New, want it to work, but struggling at times
- Thread starter RobertCourage
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I think you are doing very well with this at the moment.RobertCourage
New member
Doing as well as I can. All morning I can't stop thinking about her and him, what they are doing, talking about, etc. It feels like I am being punched in the chest over and over. But have to deal with that and hope she is there for me later. Took a nice long run this morning to try and clear my head.
The honest truth is that the best way for me to deal with her being with him is to think about the sex and not the relationship. The sex the three of us had was amazing, the best in my life. The sex she is having with him is a huge turn-on for me. So when I get really depressed about the two of them, I focus on the sex, and the fact that in a little while she will be home looking to have sex with me, and will be all sweaty and sexed up from her time with him this morning. Thank god I am crazy enough to be turned on by that, because it's a great coping mechanism.
One day at a time. Today it's one hour at a time.
The honest truth is that the best way for me to deal with her being with him is to think about the sex and not the relationship. The sex the three of us had was amazing, the best in my life. The sex she is having with him is a huge turn-on for me. So when I get really depressed about the two of them, I focus on the sex, and the fact that in a little while she will be home looking to have sex with me, and will be all sweaty and sexed up from her time with him this morning. Thank god I am crazy enough to be turned on by that, because it's a great coping mechanism.
One day at a time. Today it's one hour at a time.
RobertCourage
New member
I can't take this anymore. She spent the whole morning with Trent, and came home miserable. She is tired of all the responsibilities of the kids. I offered to hire a nanny and she said, 'The kids will like the nanny more than me,' or 'I don't have the energy to interview anyone.'
What the fuck am I supposed to do? We have kids. They need a mom. And Mom doesn't want to do the job anymore. And I pay the price emotionally as she beats me up. And I get beat up while I try as hard as I fucking can to support her new relationship with Trent.
I think she needs medication. I can't do this anymore. It's not about the poly thing. It's about taking responsibility for the world you chose to create.
I fucking hate this. I think I am better off with someone who isn't so self-centered, immature and fucked up.
I want to leave her as of this moment. There's nothing else that I do that seems to help. Fuck this.
What the fuck am I supposed to do? We have kids. They need a mom. And Mom doesn't want to do the job anymore. And I pay the price emotionally as she beats me up. And I get beat up while I try as hard as I fucking can to support her new relationship with Trent.
I think she needs medication. I can't do this anymore. It's not about the poly thing. It's about taking responsibility for the world you chose to create.
I fucking hate this. I think I am better off with someone who isn't so self-centered, immature and fucked up.
I want to leave her as of this moment. There's nothing else that I do that seems to help. Fuck this.
dingedheart
Well-known member
I'm sorry to say this, but I think you just got a little taste of my fucking world. I stopped trying to make her life better/easier. Concentrate on yourself and the kids. Good luck.
MonoVCPHG
New member
I think you just found the true core of this problem. Sounds like a mid-life crisis. Therapy might be a good option.
SNeacail
New member
This!
sage
New member
I thought you and Dinged might have a lot in common. I agree that this is much more than a poly issue. This is his "Restless Heart Syndrome" and a life gone crazy.
You guys need therapy. If your wife isn't getting support and feeling any better with her lover, she really should consider putting that relationship on hold for a while.
Has she said what she does want? Reflective listening could be a good technique for you here. When she talks, don't try and have a conversation. Just keep repeating back to her what she's saying. It goes like this:
She says, "I can't deal with the kids. I haven't got the energy."
You say, "You must be feeling really worn out. You haven't got much left for the kids."
I know you want to fix the situation, but it seems too broken to fix right now. The best thing you can do is help her to feel understood. When a couple is in so much pain, one person has to get their head above it and focus on the other, while letting go of all their pain, even if you have to set an egg timer to do it.
I know the pain of having to live each day an hour at a time. But you can do it. It feels really painful because you probably haven't felt much for a long time. Your heart has been cracked open by all this, but I don't think you would be feeling this much pain if you didn't still love her.
That being said, you can't make her happy. You can only make yourself happy. Although from where you are right now, I'm sure all you want is some peace. Maybe take each hour and think about how you can be at peace with it.
Hugs
You guys need therapy. If your wife isn't getting support and feeling any better with her lover, she really should consider putting that relationship on hold for a while.
Has she said what she does want? Reflective listening could be a good technique for you here. When she talks, don't try and have a conversation. Just keep repeating back to her what she's saying. It goes like this:
She says, "I can't deal with the kids. I haven't got the energy."
You say, "You must be feeling really worn out. You haven't got much left for the kids."
I know you want to fix the situation, but it seems too broken to fix right now. The best thing you can do is help her to feel understood. When a couple is in so much pain, one person has to get their head above it and focus on the other, while letting go of all their pain, even if you have to set an egg timer to do it.
I know the pain of having to live each day an hour at a time. But you can do it. It feels really painful because you probably haven't felt much for a long time. Your heart has been cracked open by all this, but I don't think you would be feeling this much pain if you didn't still love her.
That being said, you can't make her happy. You can only make yourself happy. Although from where you are right now, I'm sure all you want is some peace. Maybe take each hour and think about how you can be at peace with it.
Hugs
I agree wholeheartedly with Mono. It sounds like she's unhappy with herself and her life, so of course adding more people isn't going to fix it. A good counselor that she can talk to and gain some perspective would help immensely.
IndieSolo
Active member
Don't blame her for wanting an out from her responsibilities -- we all want an escape sometimes. It doesn't mean you give in to it -- remember, she is venting, don't take it at face value, necessarily. She actually sounds depressed to me, but I don't know if medication is the answer. Could be a type of low-grade depression (Dysthymia), which is often undiagnosed for years. Maybe 5-HTP rather than anti-depressants would help. Could also be a form of ADD, which usually remains undiagnosed in women until adulthood. Hormones play a part, and symptoms for women usually include being easily distracted, disorganized, forgetful, and daydreamy. Women with ADD may have a low tolerance for stress, and extreme sensitivity to criticism
Well, I'm not going to diagnose her, sorry if I look like I am making assumptions, but just wanted to give you some ideas. I understand your anger and frustration but she sounds like someone in an emotional crisis who needs compassion and healing. Anyway, I think therapy should be a priority -- and maybe put poly on hold until she regains equilibrium and your relationship feels more strong at the core.
Well, I'm not going to diagnose her, sorry if I look like I am making assumptions, but just wanted to give you some ideas. I understand your anger and frustration but she sounds like someone in an emotional crisis who needs compassion and healing. Anyway, I think therapy should be a priority -- and maybe put poly on hold until she regains equilibrium and your relationship feels more strong at the core.
sagency
New member
It sounds like a psychiatrist is in order.
If you have family in the area, you may want to enlist their help with the kids. A nanny or au pair would be a good idea in any case. That person could help the wife if she overwhelmed. And let's be frank, if the wife bolts or RC needs to move on, having a nanny in place already would make the transition easier.
I can see why you're so frustrated, RC. It's not sounding like she's giving you any breaks.
*hug*
If you have family in the area, you may want to enlist their help with the kids. A nanny or au pair would be a good idea in any case. That person could help the wife if she overwhelmed. And let's be frank, if the wife bolts or RC needs to move on, having a nanny in place already would make the transition easier.
I can see why you're so frustrated, RC. It's not sounding like she's giving you any breaks.
*hug*
RobertCourage
New member
Thanks for the responses. I do think there's depression/mid-life crisis going on here.
She is seeing a counselor. I asked her to ask the counselor this week if itnwould be ok if I joined a session (she had been our marriage counselor in the past ). I don't think she can work through her depression/search for happiness completely independently. I think I need to have a small part in that process.
In terms of the rest of today, I disengaged and cleaned the house, yard, pool, etc. She found me and apologized and said she's just feeling crappy and she will be okay.
Up and down, up and down. So hard to deal with.
She is seeing a counselor. I asked her to ask the counselor this week if itnwould be ok if I joined a session (she had been our marriage counselor in the past ). I don't think she can work through her depression/search for happiness completely independently. I think I need to have a small part in that process.
In terms of the rest of today, I disengaged and cleaned the house, yard, pool, etc. She found me and apologized and said she's just feeling crappy and she will be okay.
Up and down, up and down. So hard to deal with.
redpepper
Active member
She came home and wasn't rejuvenated? That could be a number of things. She could be overwhelmed by the massive amounts of energy it takes to control her emotions, she could have a hard time transitioning from one place to another, she could be feeling guilty, resentful and yes, depressed.
I totally remember what that felt like. I went through all of that. I thought I was going insane. I needed an hour to come home and ease back into my home life when Mono and I were in my first year. I would come home grumpy and miserable just because I had had a nice rest, and was back to the reality of my home life. I needed transition time. It felt like I hated being at home until about an hour passed, and then I was fine again. I negotiated an hour of no family responsibility when I came home in order to facilitate the change. It really helped a lot!
I totally remember what that felt like. I went through all of that. I thought I was going insane. I needed an hour to come home and ease back into my home life when Mono and I were in my first year. I would come home grumpy and miserable just because I had had a nice rest, and was back to the reality of my home life. I needed transition time. It felt like I hated being at home until about an hour passed, and then I was fine again. I negotiated an hour of no family responsibility when I came home in order to facilitate the change. It really helped a lot!
She should also have a full medical checkup. Make sure she has her thyroid function checked. Low thyroid is common in mothers and can really cause some problems.
Symptoms
Feeling tired, weak, or depressed.
Dry skin and brittle nails.
Not being able to stand the cold.
Constipation.
Memory problems or having trouble thinking clearly.
Heavy or irregular menstrual periods.
Your kids are school age, but off for the summer now, so she has to spend time entertaining them? It seems to me a full-time mom with school-aged kids would usually have lots of time to herself during the day.
And I know you're away during the week, but you seem to do a lot on the weekends, cleaning and kid care.
I'm glad she's in therapy. Get the physical stuff checked too.
Adding a bf now seems more like a band-aid for her issues, a kind of running away from responsibility, not a healthy choice for now... even if the sex is great for all concerned.
Symptoms
Feeling tired, weak, or depressed.
Dry skin and brittle nails.
Not being able to stand the cold.
Constipation.
Memory problems or having trouble thinking clearly.
Heavy or irregular menstrual periods.
Your kids are school age, but off for the summer now, so she has to spend time entertaining them? It seems to me a full-time mom with school-aged kids would usually have lots of time to herself during the day.
And I know you're away during the week, but you seem to do a lot on the weekends, cleaning and kid care.
I'm glad she's in therapy. Get the physical stuff checked too.
Adding a bf now seems more like a band-aid for her issues, a kind of running away from responsibility, not a healthy choice for now... even if the sex is great for all concerned.
RobertCourage
New member
Yes, you have the story correct. School-aged kids home for the summer, and me traveling. She has a part-time job to basically get out of house. It also gives her an excuse when she wants to meet with him. When school was going on, she had more flexibility and freedom. Now that it's summer she is freaking out.
Her time with Trent was supposed to be fun, but she thinks she's in love. I have a hard time with this. He doesn't have a home. He shares an apartment and sleeps on a couch. He has no responsibilities. He works the night shift and makes very little money. So my wife is running away from the person who teamed with her to create a family and a life to a guy who is basically a child. (He is 12 years younger than her.) It's like my wife is trying to start life over, but has these annoying kids and husband in the way.
I am stuck. Either I stay and work through all the pain. Or I leave and start my life over. Too hard a decision. It's killing me.
Her time with Trent was supposed to be fun, but she thinks she's in love. I have a hard time with this. He doesn't have a home. He shares an apartment and sleeps on a couch. He has no responsibilities. He works the night shift and makes very little money. So my wife is running away from the person who teamed with her to create a family and a life to a guy who is basically a child. (He is 12 years younger than her.) It's like my wife is trying to start life over, but has these annoying kids and husband in the way.
I am stuck. Either I stay and work through all the pain. Or I leave and start my life over. Too hard a decision. It's killing me.
IndieSolo
Active member
She may want an escape, but she's not really running away, and it does sound like she's overwhelmed or suffering from some medical or emotional issue and needs some sort of remedy. Why would you leave her now when she needs you most? You haven't had to deal with this for very long. Are you that impatient and short-fused?
Therapy, a physical exam, support -- all better ideas to help this situation.
My ex moved out when I was dealing with depression and it made it worse for me-- much, much worse. I was nearly suicidal, and there I was, with no one!
Don't do that to her.
Therapy, a physical exam, support -- all better ideas to help this situation.
My ex moved out when I was dealing with depression and it made it worse for me-- much, much worse. I was nearly suicidal, and there I was, with no one!
Don't do that to her.
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I wish you could make her snap back to reality. Now knowing the boyfriend's age and the way he lives, as well as having clarification about the ebb and flow of your family schedule, makes me a bit concerned that your wife has a distorted perspective, and is not "in love," but using the boyfriend as a "vacation" from her life.
I understand that people do this, but it only works when you say to yourself, "This is part of my life, and in order to keep it, I have to make sure I tend to the other parts of my life."
Sure, I could say, "Screw the cats. I'm tired of shoveling shit. I'm letting them all outside. They can catch rodents or birds if they want to eat. Or the neighbors might feed them. I gave the past X number of years of my life to the cats; if they didn't have me all that time they would be worse off than they are now. I'm done taking responsibility for the choices I made that put me where I am today. I have this cute guy with a big dick waiting for me, and we're going camping. See you when I see you, cats."
But I don't.
Instead, I say, "I'm going to take care of the cats and make sure they have everything they need before I go out with someone. Then I can relax and enjoy my time off, knowing that when I get home, the cats will be waiting for me and we'll be glad to see each other."
I would never think about running out to see my boyfriend and expect my husband to take care of the cats because I couldn't be bothered to do so. This is what is colloquially known as "Being a Grown-up and Taking Care of Your Grown-up Business™". If you want to act like a child, expect to be treated like one.
I understand that people do this, but it only works when you say to yourself, "This is part of my life, and in order to keep it, I have to make sure I tend to the other parts of my life."
Sure, I could say, "Screw the cats. I'm tired of shoveling shit. I'm letting them all outside. They can catch rodents or birds if they want to eat. Or the neighbors might feed them. I gave the past X number of years of my life to the cats; if they didn't have me all that time they would be worse off than they are now. I'm done taking responsibility for the choices I made that put me where I am today. I have this cute guy with a big dick waiting for me, and we're going camping. See you when I see you, cats."
But I don't.
Instead, I say, "I'm going to take care of the cats and make sure they have everything they need before I go out with someone. Then I can relax and enjoy my time off, knowing that when I get home, the cats will be waiting for me and we'll be glad to see each other."
I would never think about running out to see my boyfriend and expect my husband to take care of the cats because I couldn't be bothered to do so. This is what is colloquially known as "Being a Grown-up and Taking Care of Your Grown-up Business™". If you want to act like a child, expect to be treated like one.
RobertCourage
New member
This isn't the first time she fell in love with someone else because of her being overwhelmed. It happened a couple of years ago too.
I don't know how I can continue to find the strength to give her everything she asks for and get all kinds of pain in return. Maybe her psychogjst will help. Maybe not.
I know I feel pain all the time and that can't last forever. I keep trying, and here I am still trying to make it work. But it's fucking hard.
I don't know how I can continue to find the strength to give her everything she asks for and get all kinds of pain in return. Maybe her psychogjst will help. Maybe not.
I know I feel pain all the time and that can't last forever. I keep trying, and here I am still trying to make it work. But it's fucking hard.
Hi, RC, I have been reading these posts for several days now, as my husband and I embark on our journey to see if poly will work for us or not. I just want to say that you really sound like you could use a good hug and a shoulder to cry on. Obviously, I can't do that in person, but I can do it figuratively. Just keep on posting and working and trying. If this doesn't work out for you guys, just remember that you have wonderful children that will need you to be strong for them.
*hugs*
*hugs*
RobertCourage
New member
Thanks Jrrmjr. You are right. I could use a hug. You seem very nice and I hope things work out for you guys. Keep reading as I keep posting so you can learn from our mistakes!