No longer feeling good

[SNeacail]

Just a quick suggestion, Bo, please create your own user ID. It is going to get too confusing if you're using your wife's account.

 

[Derbylicious]

Hello Bo,

It might be easier on everyone if there wasn't any pressure for the two women to be friends. It might happen in time, but just because you love both of them, doesn't mean that they will be able to get along with each other.

Also, you said that in the past it wasn't fair that you kept your wife in the dark, because you didn't give her a choice in the matter. I'm not really sure that she has a lot of choice in the matter now, either. It seems to me that you have sprung this on her, and just asked her to accept the whole situation as is.

Why are you uncomfortable with her seeking a second relationship? You know that you can love two. Doesn't it make sense that she would be able to be in another relationship, and still love you, too?

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Hello All,

I am Mahogany's husband, Bo. As long as I have had an interest in women, there has always been two, my main woman (in this case, my wife) and the other woman. Throughout life, my gf always knew about my main woman, but never the other way around.

Welcome to the forum, Bo.

Hats off to coming onboard and sharing with us all. You've taken some heat already. I am gravely concerned. I have a "damsel in distress" complex that makes me protective.

There is a common theme of people feeling trapped and without answers as to what to do. I have my own trap, just and you and Mahogany have yours. I hope you find the guidance and internal answers you are looking for. There are a lot of very wise people on here. Take what all of us say with a grain of salt, and prepare to be challenged. But you should not feel attacked, although perhaps you already do.

Regardless, I look forward to reading more of your journey. Hopefully you will all find what you need to be happy, healthy and anything but numb.

 

[redpepper]

I merged your threads, Mahogany and Bo. And yes, please do make yourself your own account. It gets very confusing otherwise.

I think you need to sit down and be with us for a while. There is a lot to read here, even if you decide not to write anymore.

You don't seem to know anything about polyamory. First of all, the language: your wife, you might consider calling a "primary" partner, and your girlfriend, a "secondary."

I won't go into details about all that, but if you look at the definitions thread in the stickies at the top of the "new to polyamory" main page, you will find a whole bunch of useful words to use in order to explain what is going on for you, to us, and each other. That way all of us will be on the same page.


9They are useful words for newbies. Often, with time, people abandon some of their meanings for something that fits better for them. Baby steps with all that, though.)

Take a look at those who have gone before and realize that you are not alone and poly can be and is achievable.

May I suggest looking at these two threads first?

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2858
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2755

It seems that you have some stuff to sort out for us, if you will. I am very confused about the dynamic you have, and perhaps others are confused too. From the thread Mahogany has posted, is it possible to take some ideas about what you might comment on, to bring us up to speed about what is going on for you both?

Thank you for sharing something so raw with us here. I always find people's ability to make themselves vulnerable to strangers incredibly honouring. Thanks for trusting us and reaching out.

*hugs* to both of you.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Is it me? Do I need to suck it up and go numb, hoping that in the future it will all be ok, that I will grow to be happy in this "cage"?

Mahogany, I've lived through a severe panic disorder and one thing I learned is that healing hurts. If you are numb, you are not healing. Sometimes going numb is a very valid reaction to an impossible situation, and protects you at that moment from going completely batshit-crazy. For a new mum, going numb is probably preferable to going apeshit. But you need to understand that numbness is a reaction to an emotional shock/trauma, and will always lead to major repercussions, because at some point, you will need to start feeling again.

I suggest you do some reading on PTSD or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Lots of the stuff is written for people who have experienced life-threatening trauma, but that stuff applies to anyone dealing with a major emotional upheaval.

The symptoms you described, i.e., not being able to concentrate, eat or sleep well, speak of you needing medical attention. If you are no longer breastfeeding, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on a mild anti-anxiety medication, such as an SSRI. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

I don't know how long would take for M to heal, not become numb, for this to really work, but I'm willing to wait/work it out till it becomes great, the way I envision it.

Very often, the things we hold dearest in our imaginations are completely unattainable in practice. That is the beauty of fantasy: you are not limited by real-world considerations that surround us each day of our mortal lives. To you, what does being willing to wait it out include? If Mahogany needs you to focus on her and the kids, and stay away from Bess for a while, say, 6 months, could you do that?

So I ask you, the people, for help and advice. Help her, help me, help us three to grow as one.

There is lots of great stuff to read at this forum, but one resource I've found to be of great help is Franklin Veaux's 'Making Relationships Suck'. It is in parts so true that it isn't even funny anymore. He has other great resources on his site at: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html.

 

[Rachelina]

If you are no longer breastfeeding, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on a SSRI. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve.

I have to disagree with the idea of taking drugs to deal with perfectly natural emotions. Everything Mahogany is feeling is normal. As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.

My heart goes out to you, Mahogany. I've been there and it was indescribably painful. In my case I did come to accept my husband's other relationship, after months and months of talking, crying and looking into my own heart. At times, it did seem completely impossible. You're the only one that is going to be able to decide if and how this can work, and it will probably take a lot of time and inner work to come to the right decision.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

As for it being impossible to get hooked on SSRIs, visit www.paxilprogress.org which supports thousands of people struggling and suffering in the effort to get off them, myself included. Just not worth the risk, especially now that studies are showing them to be no better than placebo.

Ooh... *sound of a can of worms opening*

Since this is off-topic, I'm not going to delve deeply into this issue, but people who can benefit the most from SSRIs are usually the most unlikely demographic to partake in drug trials. However, everyone knows how to best deal with their special condition, and a licensed professional who knows the person is best equipped to evaluate possible need for medication, not random people (myself included!) on a forum.

It's worth a visit to a healthcare professional of any persuasion, at least.

 

[redpepper]

If I thought that my partner was feeling "numb," and actually trying to achieve this status because of me, I would be making huge adjustments to my life so that they were at least able to manage. It would kill me to think they had to take meds because of something I am doing.

 

[Magdlyn]

My husband Bo came clean about cheating on me with Bess (for 5 months before I found out). Before this we shared 4 monogamous years together.

... Bo does not feel comfortable with me exploring my end of the openness. He does not want me intimate with another man. He is not abusive or forceful about it, but he has simply communicated that he is not comfortable with it. Should I pursue another man anyway?

I am Mahogany's husband, Bo. As long as I have had an interest in women, there have always been two. My main woman (in this case, my wife) and the other woman (as gf). Throughout my life, my gfs always knew about my main woman, but never the other way around.

Hello, Mahogany and Bo.

I see a discrepancy in your first posts. Mahogany says they've had four years of monogamy, while Bo admits there have "always been two" women in his life since he became sexually mature. So, this current mistress, Bess, is just the latest in a string of women.

Bo may be naturally poly, and didn't feel he had a way to practice it, so went the common way of cheating. However strong the drive for multiple relationships is, cheating on your spouse, especially when you have young children, is a huge breach of trust. Mahogany has a ton on her plate, raising twin babies and also holding down a full-time (?) job.

I work with mothers and young babies (as a lactation specialist) and have had lots of experience with parents of twins. How much free time does Bo have to do his share of childcare and housework, work at a job, and still have time for another sexual relationship? Where are his priorities?

Bo, it seems you've been playing up the sister wives idea with Mahogany. Bess is "warm and nurturing." She'd be good with the kids, I guess you're saying. My question is, how nurturing can she be if she was willing to carry on a clandestine relationship with a man whose wife just gave birth to two babies at once? I, for one, would never trust this woman around my children.

As for the other quote I included, I never can support a "one-penis policy." Mahogany taking another lover for now, might be the last thing on her mind, but it's hypocritical and ridiculous to think Bo can have two women to love and have sex with, but Mahogany can only have one, her husband!

 

[GroundedSpirit]

If you are no longer breastfeeding, I'd recommend seeking out a psychiatrist and starting out on mild anti-anxiety medication, such as an SSRI. To focus on therapy and the healing process, you need some sort of mental focus, which the meds will help you achieve.

Hey BU, one thing I try to avoid, for obvious reasons, is giving out medical advice, especially regarding meds. First, unless you are educated and trained in the field, you are unqualified. Secondly, even if you are, you can't make an accurate diagnosis over a couple posts on an internet forum (which you would know).

The current list of modern psych meds is a very dangerous list, and there are huge problems worldwide because of abuse and inappropriate use of these (often untested) medications.

The valid advice you offered is to seek a good therapist and a (MD) psychiatrist. That will be challenge enough, finding HCPs, both truly qualified and willing to put in the time to work on helping to heal a person in a holistic way. When it comers to matters of mental health, there is no other alternative. It's an interconnected, interactive system.

GS

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Agreed.

 

[Mahogany]

I just wanted you all to know that I really appreciate your support, understanding, and insight.

I am in a horrible place right now.

I am going through what BlackUnicorn says. I am nursing bitterness (taking a slow and painful killing poison myself, while praying someone else dies from it).

I have hate for Bess, and anger towards her and Bo for what they have done to me.

I am not going to post on this thread for a while, because I don't want my involvement here to be centered on negativity (but it is all I have to give right now).

As for how as healing goes, only time will tell, right? I see many of you said that going numb is not a good idea, and that meds may be a bad idea too. Well, that is the only thing I can do right now. These are the only things I can do the escape the nightmare I am in.

Hopefully there are brighter days ahead.

I'll keep reading and responding to other posts, though. I hope to help others whenever possible.

Thank you, again.

 

[MonoVCPHG]

Take care, Mahogany.

 

[BlackUnicorn]

Lots of love.

 

[River]

As for as healing goes, only time will tell, right? I know many of you said that going numb is not a good idea, and that meds may be a bad idea too. Well, that is the only thing I can do right now. These are the only things I can do the escape the nightmare I am in.

A word of warning: There is no escaping from emotional pain. Trying to avoid the pain -- which is really there, anyway -- actually results in greater suffering. The way to get free of this suffering is to turn toward and embrace the pain, while holding all of the stories around the pain loosely, with curiosity, rather than certainty. Let the sensation of pain be as big as it is, without clinging to stories and healing insight is inevitable, as well as a release from suffering. Pain is not your enemy! It cannot harm you.

As the Borg said on Star Trek, "Resistance is futile." Luckily, that doesn't mean we have to be assimilated into the Borg hive!

 

[Mahogany]

Thank you for your love and the words of wise advice. I will take them

 

[lovemultiplied]

Honestly, this doesn't sound like a polyamorous relationship!! Poly relationships are MUTUAL agreements, not a one-sided "hall pass" to cheat. If you are unhappy, then it's NOT working, and he IS cheating.

If you'd like to talk, please feel free to message me on here, or email me at: [email protected]