Not Dead Yet!

opalescent

Active member
I actually have some poly news to report!

An old friend and I went to a show a little while ago. My friend is a lightweight in terms of booze, as am I. I was driving so did not have much to drink. He had a couple of beers.

After the show, while chatting at a coffee place, he let out that he thought I was attractive and sexy.

I didn't think much of it - he was tipsy. I figured he was being kind. Also I'd propositioned him shortly after we met. He declined and we've been platonic friends since. I'd assumed that ship had sailed some time ago.

Still it was nice to hear - as you all, my board friends know, dating has been unfun lately.

I did tell him later on how nice it was to hear those kind words from him. We talk more frequently and discuss our backgrounds, etc. It gets more explicit, more flirty, until he just comes out and says he is interested. He had been interested for a while but because of life circumstances didn't say anything.

So we've been discussing what's possible. It's exciting but complicated for lots of reasons. I've had a crush on him for years. Since he declined years ago, I'd put him firmly into platonic land and have been content there. Also, I am good friends with his wife. They are both very dear to me. And they have a young child. I've never dated someone with children. It has not been on purpose - my 'crowd' tends toward the child free. So that's new to me and something to consider. He doesn't have a lot of free time or energy between child, wife and job.

And there is internal stuff going on with me I need to sort out. Fallout and old patterns from past relationships I'd really like to avoid from now on. So I'm pausing on starting to see this man.

I will have to fill in more later. Time to eat!
 

River

New member
It gets more explicit, more flirty, until he just comes out and says he is interested. He had been interested for a while but because of life circumstances didn't say anything.

So we've been discussing what's possible. It's exciting but complicated for lots of reasons.

Is his relationship open?
 

opalescent

Active member
@River, it is. They’ve been poly for years. Neither of them have other partners now because of the demands of caring for a young child.

And that is concern of mine - and his. Neither of us are sure - him on what time and energy he can really give to another relationship and I am not sure if I will be able to deal with the lack of time.

And I’ve been identifying some patterns I’d really like to end. I accepted less than I deserved and tolerated behavior that, while not abusive, was also not kind or in my best interests in some of my prior relationships.

I told him I could not date him right now - not because of anything about him - but to get a handle on my own stuff. I do have concerns about being with him - the time thing most of all - but dealing with some internal concerns is why I’m pausing now.
 

River

New member
I told him I could not date him right now - not because of anything about him - but to get a handle on my own stuff. I do have concerns about being with him - the time thing most of all - but dealing with some internal concerns is why I’m pausing now.

I can totally relate! Now, more than ever in my life, I am learning to honor and give due respect to the risk aspect of intimate, loving relationships. There is a bit of gambling involved, or risk taking, always. We are, after all, human beings -- not gods.

And we have needs. And preferences -- and there is a zone where these two overlap quite significantly, and that's worthy of our respect, too. Time is definitely one of these. If we get in deep with someone, opening and bonding at the heart, it can be damn hard not to have more ready access to our beloved than what we need and/or prefer.

Good on you for looking after yourself. :)
 

opalescent

Active member
Update time!

After some thought, I decided I was in good enough shape to start dating my old friend. I'm going to call him Midwest and his wife, Chicago. Midwest was still interested so we've continued to chat. We haven't had a date yet but we will soon. I am really looking forward to those dates. I still don't know how I will handle being a secondary but so far so good.

I've been getting information from the universe, for lack of a better term, on maintaining balance in my life and around this relationship. I've been paying attention to that. I'm still looking for a primary-type relationship. I'm still focused on various aspects of my life that I want to improve. My friendships and family are still critically important to me.

It's been great so far. Midwest is actually interested in sharing his thoughts with me, and listens carefully when I do the same. That's been a change from some of my prior relationships. It's been really exciting! The NRE has been really strong, which I haven't experienced in some time.
 

opalescent

Active member
I've been realizing more and more just how little I settled for with Oak and Willow. It's been mortifying to really understand how little I valued myself and my time and effort. *sigh* Well, now I know better, for sure.

Midwest was so appreciative and thrilled about being sexual with me. I realized it had been awhile since I'd had a partner who was openly excited about being with me specifically. I didn't realize it was a thing I'd been missing and really wanted.

Reminded me of what relationships should be like. It's too early for me to label this a romantic connection but I don't think it will hard to go there with Midwest.
 
Yay!
 

opalescent

Active member
Rather a down NYE. Just about everybody I know is sick, recovering from being sick, or dealing with the aftermath of being sick. Including me. I had a stomach flu thing recently. So lots of my friends are having low key NYE at home because of illness.

And I'm fed who is furloughed. I am so angry about that. One consequence is that I did not want to spend money on a play party that otherwise I would have gone. Not the biggest deal but it does bother me.

So I am bummed that my NYE is pretty dull. I'm feeling antisocial and declined to go visit my friend with a toddler who I adore. However, I'm trying to keep perspective. Last year NYE was a fantasy for me - spent it with Oak and Willow. But now I know that it was only a fantasy, not real at all. Those relationships imploded not even a month later.

Midwest has been sick too. I think things are settling into what they will be like. Not as frequent texting or emailing, NRE fading a bit. It's still good. We set some tentative plans for our next date. (My schedule is so tentative because of the furlough.) I'm a bit bummed about the drop off in communication but I also know that how often and how intensely we were talking was not sustainable. I do hope we will talk more in person too.

So I have plans for what I will do when furloughed. And I have some New Year's 'resolutions'. They are all about my pleasure and growth and not really resolutions in the traditional, self-punishing sense. They are:

Set up and maintain a daily spiritual practice;
Have more sex;
Date a lot more;
Explore my sadomasochistic side.

I can't wait for 2018 to be over. It was not a pleasant year. While there were positive things, overall it has been incredibly stressful and I am over it.
 

opalescent

Active member
Ugh, just paid some bills. It was extra stressful because of the US federal government shut down. I don't know if I will be able to pay these next month.

I've really bought into the mission of my particular agency, and serving the US people in general. That's important to me. But honestly it is becoming increasingly not worth it.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Sorry about the shutdown. What will you do? Are you thinking about looking for a different job?
 

opalescent

Active member
My job is highly specialized and limited to some very specific kinds of organizations. Also I can't make the money I make anywhere else. So I'm stuck that way.

I am thinking of applying of unemployment or looking for a second job. Dog walking maybe. *sigh*

I was calling around to see what options I had to defer or skip payments. It was very discouraging.
 

opalescent

Active member
I am finally back to work. Yay! Hopefully there will be no new shutdown. I think that is doubtful at this point.

I am looking for part-time work though. I do not want to be this vulnerable again. I'm looking for proofreading, editing, and writing work.

Things continue to go well with Midwest. A bright spot during the shutdown was being able to spend more time with him than I otherwise would have been able to. That was lovely.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Longest shutdown in U.S. history. Damn ... :eek:
Glad things are looking up now.
 

Leetah

Member
I'm sorry to hear about Glow! ((hugs))

Leetah
 

opalescent

Active member
Leetah, kdt,

Thank you. It has been really shocking. My friends are all reeling, as am I still.

I don't regret not having much contact with Glow after we broke up. I didn't trust her to tell me what I needed to know, even in the context of a friendship. Still I am so sad. She was really young.

So far, 2019 has sucked ass.
 
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