Partner encouraging me to date outside our marriage

[Stevek]

Howdy,
This is my first post here and I hope I am not making any mistakes.

To give some background, I am Steve (37) and I have been with Emma (35) for the past 13 years. We have been married for 12 years and have two sons, Jospeh (12) and Logan (9). Life is as good as it can be.

A few weeks ago, a woman (Amy) approached me at the gym and asked for some help with an equipment. We go to the gym at the same time and said hi when we saw each other. I am fairly extroverted and there was no flirting ever (at least from my side). I am a small business owner and gave her my card. She actually came to my shop and got her car fixed. Everything was alright but a couple of weeks ago, she asked me out on a date. I was flattered obviously but told her that I was happily married. I do not wear my wedding band on my ring finger, but it hangs around my neck as it could be a workplace hazard. So I assumed that she would back off after I told her my marital status.

She then informed me that she doesn’t mind me being married. I responded immediately that I was not interested and wished her the best. I thought the story ended there. But a few days ago, I told my wife that a client had asked me out. I was not feeling guilty or anything. But when we were a bit younger, sometimes, my wife used to tell me that someone at work hit on her. This was all in jest and we always laughed it off. But this time my wife suggested that I should take Amy up on her offer and go on a date. I thought she was joking and just smiled. She repeated that she was serious. I just ignored her. Meanwhile I just give curt nods to Amy in the gym.

Now coming back to Emma and me, we get along well. We do have some issues, like most married couples, but nothing earth-shattering. The biggest issue is our mismatched libidos. I have pretty high sex drive and Emma’s doesn’t match mine. We still have sex like twice a week but she is not the most enthusiastic partner. This was not the case in the beginning years. Even after we had our first son, we were pretty sexually active for a few years. But during the last five years, she has not been very enthusiastic about sex. I begged her to see a doctor, but she said that it is just psychological and nothing related to her body. We then went to therapy and ultimately we were able to work things out. Emma would work a bit less and I stopped being too pushy about sex. As the years passed by, I became happy with our arrangement now. While I can always appreciate getting more intimacy, I am not a fool to lose the love of life and my handsome boys. So i never once stepped out of my marriage.

Emma asked me again a few days ago if I wanted to go on a date with Amy. I finally asked her what was happening and she said that it was just a date and I should give it a try. I asked her if something was wrong with our relationship. I kind of insinuated if she wanted to date other men. She said that everything was okay and she didn’t want to date anyone else.

So, I am confused now. Gun to my head, I would like to go out on a date with Amy. My wife is okay and Amy is okay too. But somehow there is something that is not allowing me to say to either that I want to go on a date.

 

[Kynde]

Greetings! Before I reply to your content I want to encourage you to not use real names of yourself and family members, if those are real names you have used.

 

[Stevek]

Thanks for letting me know. I have used pseudonyms now.

 

[Magdlyn]

We have been married for 12 years and have two sons. Life is as good as it can be.

Wow, things were good until they weren't, huh?

I wonder if Emma has met some polyamorous people, or read some articles online about polyamory or other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM). Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT ask Amy on a date. Please discuss this much more in depth with Emma. You were hit out of left field with her idea for you to see other women, and you don't know why. It is NOT "just a date."

Please see our list of resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

Most formerly monogamous couples who wish to succeed at swinging, an open marriage, or polyamory spend at least one year, if not two, reading and informing themselves about the subject. Otherwise you are headed for poly hell, and perhaps a divorce.

Maybe Emma has some "cuckqueen" fantasies. Who knows? Either way, there's no rush into you asking Amy or anyone else on date.

A few weeks ago, a woman approached me at the gym and asked for some help with the equipment. We go to the gym at the same time and say hi when we see each other. There was no flirting ever (at least from my side). But a couple of weeks ago, she asked me out on a date. I told her that I was happily married. I assumed that she would back off after I told her my marital status. She didn’t mind me being married. I responded that I was not interested.

She was being pretty pushy! If a guy hit on a woman, who told him she was married and not interested, he'd be a jerk for pressing her. How odd to come home to your mono wife, mother of your kids, trying to coerce you into dating someone else, without giving you a reason. That must be very unsettling!

I told my wife that a client had asked me out. When we were younger, my wife used to tell me that someone at work hit on her. My wife suggested that I take Amy up on her offer and go on a date. I thought she was joking and just smiled. She repeated that she was serious. I just ignored her. Meanwhile I just give curt nods to Amy in the gym.

Coming back to Emma and me... the biggest issue is our mismatched libidos. I have a pretty high sex drive and Emma's doesn’t match mine. We still have sex like twice a week, but she is not the most enthusiastic partner. During the last five years, she has not been very enthusiastic about sex. We went to therapy and ultimately we were able to work things out. I became happy with our arrangement. I am not a fool to lose the love of life and my handsome boys, so I never once stepped out of my marriage.

Emma asked me again a few days ago if I wanted to go on a date with Amy. She said it was just a date and I should give it a try.

Again, it's not just a date. That seems like such a silly thing to say. Her/your whole life together would change if you and/or she started "just dating" others. What the heck?

I asked her if something was wrong with our relationship. I kind of insinuated if she wanted to date other men. She said everything was okay and she didn’t want to date anyone else.

I am confused. Gun to my head, I would like to go out on a date with Amy. My wife and Amy are okay, but somehow, something is not allowing me to say to either that I want to go on a date.

Your good common sense is telling you something is off, and to hold off on this wild idea of Emma's It might be time for more couples therapy, if Emma won't say anything more than, "It's just a date." What does that even mean?

 

[Stevek]

Magdlyn,

I am not sure how to quote here but honestly I just want to tell my wife that I do not want to go on any dates with anyone other than her (which is kind of lying) and forget about everything, and pretend that this never happened. I now feel stupid for bringing it up in the first place.

But I think you are right. There is something in her heart that she is not saying out loud. My wife is a best example of a people pleaser. I think i will have a chat with her and ask her if everything is okay.

​

 

[Magdlyn]

I am not sure how to quote here

Just click on "reply" at the bottom of the post of the person you want to quote.

I want to tell my wife that I do not want to go on any dates with anyone other than her (which is kind of lying)

Well, it's not a great thing to lie to your wife. Of course, one can fantasize about "dating" or having sex with someone else from time to time, and still not want to go to the great effort of opening one's marriage and making the many changes that would be required.

and forget about everything, and pretend that this never happened. I now feel stupid for bringing it up in the first place.

You just told her Amy hit on you. You expected you'd both have a giggle and move on, like when Emma had someone from work hit on her. You weren't seriously bringing up dating someone else, and you certainly had no idea Emma would encourage that.

I wonder if Amy is even poly, or if she delights in breaking up marriages? Ugh.

There is something in her heart that she is not saying out loud. My wife is a best example of a people pleaser. I think i will have a chat with her and ask her if everything is okay.

I'd definitely encourage you to draw her out. Tell her that you're surprised and concerned.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think this is where you get to say the same thing to Emma that you said to Amy.

"Thanks but I am not interested" and you let it go.

 

[Stevek]

"Thanks but I am not interested" and you let it go.

Truth to be told I am interested. But I agree with you that some fantasies should just be fantasies.

 

[GalaGirl]

"Interest" is not "willing" and "able," like you've had all the necessary talks with your spouse, and have your interpersonal skills together already. It's just "interest." And yes, some fantasies are best left that way.

She then informed me that she doesn’t mind me being married.

That's not Amy saying she's poly. That's her saying she "doesn't mind you being married," like she is ok with having a cheating affair.

Even if you ARE interested in poly, you could pick better dating partners than this.

But this time my wife suggested that I should take Amy up on her offer and go on a date. I thought she was joking and just smiled. She repeated that she was serious.

WHY is she serious? What brought all that on? Was she hoping for group sex?

Emma asked me again a few days ago if I wanted to go on a date with Amy. I finally asked her what was happening and she said that it was just a date and I should give it a try.

Toward what end?

I asked her if something was wrong with our relationship. I kind of insinuated if she wanted to date other men. She said that everything was okay and she didn’t want to date anyone else.

Given the problems you described, and the counseling and all that... is Emma looking for a soft exit out of the marriage, so if you are set up with someone new, she doesn't have to feel bad about leaving?

Is she wanting less sex, and thinking if you had someone else for that, she could be more honest about it?

Is she not happy with the "arrangement" and getting tired of it all?

None of those is her wanting to date other people. And you can't just keep on guessing. Emma could explain.

I think you two need to talk, and since you can't be a mind reader, and have already been asking Emma, and Emma is not actually disclosing, but still keeps pushing this dating Amy idea, I think you are best off NOT adding more things to the pile. You are best off NOT dating new people right now.

You could choose to wait until Emma decides she want to talk about where this is actually coming from.

Or you could believe her, that she's fine, and carry on as usual with your monogamous agreements.

GG

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Steve,

You said there is something that isn't letting you tell either woman that you want to date Amy. Have you any idea what that something might be? Is it monogamous conditioning? You have been taught that polyamory is something you just don't do, and you have absorbed those teachings? It seems obvious to me that you do want to date Amy, you just aren't able to say so.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Stevek]

"Interest" is not "willing" and "able," like you've had all the necessary talks with your spouse, and have your interpersonal skills together already. It's just "interest." And yes, some fantasies are best left that way.

That's not Amy saying she's poly. That's her saying she "doesn't mind you being married," like she is ok with having a cheating affair.

Even if you ARE interested in poly, you could pick better dating partners than this.


WHY is she serious? What brought all that on? Was she hoping for group sex?

Toward what end?

Given the problems you described, and the counseling and all that... is Emma looking for a soft exit out of the marriage, so if you are set up with someone new, she doesn't have to feel bad about leaving?

GG! I owe you a lot of gratitude. I was texting a friend of mine yesterday about some car stuff and Emma causally asked me if I was texting Amy. After reading the responses here, I was just planing to not bring this stuff up again and just continue. But when she asked me if I was texting Amy, I got annoyed a bit. I told her that we need to talk and actually used some of the questions you have raised in this discussion.

The first thing I asked was if she was unhappy in the marriage and if she she planning to leave me (just paraphrasing here).

She insisted that the marriage is great and she has no intentions of leaving me.

Is she wanting less sex, and thinking if you had someone else for that, she could be more honest about it?

I can not believe how prescient you are. During our previous therapy appointments, Emma indicated that she is a bit overwhelmed with work and household chores and taking care of the kids. I do contribute to the chores and take care of the kids, but she was a bit burned out after our second son turned 4. She agreed to switch to part time work (2.5 days a week) and things have improved a bit. Due to some circumstances back then, I couldn't scale back my work.

Coming to the current day, after beating around the bush a bit, now that the kids are a bit older, she said that she would like to go back to work full time. She really likes her work and I am supportive of her going back to work full time. I can also work a little bit less and have more flexible working hours. I am very happy that she wants to go back to work full time.

But then she told me that sex feels like a chore to her. She apparently still enjoys it, but she said that matching my libido is becoming a problem for her. I asked her if we could try some more therapy or some medication (not even sure if they have viagra for women ) but she refused. she said that we are just wasting money on therapy and she told me that she is okay with me dating other women.

I the told her that dating Amy doesn't mean that I go to a park or a restaurant with her, but actually involves sex and maybe even feelings. She told me that she understands and accepts this, as long as I do not check out from our marriage. (I am not sure what that even means.) She insisted that she loves me and wants me to be happy. I protested again and said that I am happy with just her. We had some more discussion about our current sex life and came to the conclusion that I am actually not getting everything I want or need.

I asked for therapy again and she said that she will actually leave me if I suggest therapy again (she was mostly joking/smiling).

So there you have it. She wants to do more work and less sex and sees Amy as tool that can help her.

 

[LoveBunny]

I highly recommend the book Come As You Are about women's sexuality. A woman who is overwhelmed with childcare & housework, not feeling romanced at home, and/or unfulfilled in her life will turn off to sex, often thinking the problem is her body, instead of the fact that sex has become another chore.

There are things you can do besides sleeping with a woman at the gym to improve your sex life and let your wife enjoy sex more. Help out (a lot) more at home. Let her return to work if that fulfills her and energizes her. Date her like you would a stranger.

Good luck!

 

[Stevek]

There are things you can do besides sleeping with a woman at the gym to improve your sex life and let your wife enjoy sex more. Help out (a lot) more at home. Let her return to work if that fulfills her and energizes her. Date her like you would a stranger.

Thanks for the recommendation. FWIW, I have been trying lot of things you mentioned. I am actively encouraging her to go back to work. I help a lot with our kids (again not bragging, every man should do this). My parents are close by and are delighted to have their grandkids often. Once a week, we have date nights where we go to one her favorite spots. I also try to book a small romantic getaway once every 6ish weeks. I am trying to keep the spark alive.

 

[Stevek]

Is it monogamous conditioning? You have been taught that polyamory is something you just don't do, and you have absorbed those teachings? It seems obvious to me that you do want to date Amy, you just aren't able to say so.

Hi! i am not sure what monogamous conditioning means but looking at the phrase, aren't we all taught that monogamy is the best? I think the most cases of polyamory I have any experience is usually when one of the spouses cheating on the other.

I feel conflicted. I love my wife very much. I don't have any intention to cheat on her. But I also feel like if I date Amy, I feel like I am cheating on Emma.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the recommendation. FWIW, I have been trying lot of things you mentioned. I am actively encouraging her to go back to work. I help a lot with our kids (again not bragging, every man should do this). My parents are close by and are delighted to have their grandkids often. Once a week, we have date nights where we go to one her favorite spots. I also try to book a small romantic getaway once every 6ish weeks. I am trying to keep the spark alive.

It sounds like you are doing the right things.

I think we can all understand that a couple's sex life has highs and lows. It sounds like, from what you said about your younger child's age, that the past five years have been a low as far as her enthusiasm for sex. Twice a week isn't bad frequency, as long as it's good sex. But it sounds like perfunctory "maintenance sex."

Sometimes we all can put sex lower on our list of what is important to us. Emma is into being a good mom, but she's excited about fully reviving her career now that your younger child is approaching tweenagerhood. She's been all in taking care of the boys in their neediest years, but now she wants to expand professionally. Sex is just not a priority for her.

She seems to be pretty sanguine about consenting to you getting sex elsewhere. I mean, that's better than the alternative, I guess. I have an ex who has remained a friend, and his wife almost entirely stopped having sex with him after their one child was born. I'm talking, he gets it twice a year, if that. This has been going on for seven years. And having dated him, I know how important sex is to him. He has brought up opening their marriage but she shuts him down immediately. There's nothing left for him but to masturbate or to cheat! Although he could press the issue and insist on couples counseling and opening the relationship, she'd probably divorce him first, and he is really loathe to do that for their daughter's sake. He feels stuck between a rock and a hard ... place.

Anyway... there is a lot more to opening up your marriage than just happily starting to date. Emma doesn't want you to "check out" of the marriage. You don't know what that means? She wants your help raising the kids, earning an income, maintaining your house, yard, cars. She probably enjoys your date nights and getaways. She wants your companionship and participation.

No one knows if Amy is poly, poly-friendly, just thinks you're cute, or is a "cowgirl," interested in roping you away from your wife and marriage. But now is not the time to find out.

If you do decide to start dating others, mostly to get sex, please do at least a year of research into it! Have a lot of discussions with Emma. Couples counseling helps, but if she won't do that, you could seek individual counseling.

As far as material to read (plus a great podcast), we have an excellent list of resources here:

https://polyamory.com/threads/most-commonly-cited-advice-articles-master-thread.155304/

The book Opening Up is the best, most comprehensive place to start. It's based on responses to interviews by hundreds of polyamorists.

Read The Most Skipped Step, to start to learn what it would mean for you to start spending X days a month dating others.

Even if Emma isn't much interested in sex with you, know that if you start dating, she can too. NRE might cause her to crave sex more with someone else that with you! You probably haven't even considered this, but it happens.

 

[Stevek]

The book Opening Up is the best, most comprehensive place to start. It's based on responses to interviews by hundreds of polyamorists.

Is this book okay if only I am planning to be in polyamory but my wife is going to be in a monogamous relationship with me?

 

[Stevek]

No one knows if Amy is poly, poly-friendly, just thinks you're cute, or is a "cowgirl," interested in roping you away from your wife and marriage. But now is not the time to find out.

sorry what does cowgirl mean in this context?

 

[Magdlyn]

Is this book okay if only I am planning to be in polyamory but my wife is going to be in a monogamous relationship with me?

Yes. Being in a mono/poly arrangement is one way to do an open relationship, among many. Opening Up is pretty comprehensive about all types of open relationships.

Then there is a way to do polyamory that isn't even open. It could be a closed "poly-fidelitous" V, where all three partners agree to not date anyone else besides the current partners.

In a V, there is a hinge, and both arms of the V might date only the hinge. If they aren't fidelitous, and the arms of the V aren't mono, they might each want to date others, becoming hinges themselves in their new Vs. Then you end up with a poly network. Some of the people in the network might be mono, and some might be poly.

(In my own current set-up [see my sig] I have two partners. My gf Pixi has two partners, her bf Malachi only has her. (He is technically poly, but in their many years together he hasn't been motivated to date others.) My bf Aries and I have been together three years, and he's been dating others all along without a ton of success. He's been seeing one other woman now for a few months, but she's not polyamorous, she's a married swinger, and doesn't seem to want to become a real gf to Aries.)

You might not be polyamorous. You want more sex, higher-quality enthusiastic sex than Emma is desiring right now. So you might only want casual sexual relationships. You might not "catch feelings" for a sex partner.

And if you do eventually choose someone to date, there's no guarantee the new dating partner will be as enthused about sex as you are. Or she may be, for a time, during NRE, but then become less interested. And then you'd end up in the same boat.

Then, one never knows, if you start having sex with Amy (or whoever), Emma might feel the pressure is off her to satisfy you sexually, and her own sex drive could increase, since she can have sex when she feels like it, and not because of a feeling of obligation to you. This was the case with Pixi and me at one point.

 

[GalaGirl]

I can not believe how prescient you are.

I'm glad it helped you some, but really, it's common stuff that happens.

It sounds like Emma wants to go back to work full time and doesn't want to share sex as often as you do.

But WTH? If Amy never asked you out and and you never mentioned it to Emma, was Emma just going to keep doing "sex chores" with you and never mention it or her desire to go to work full time?

Why did it take some outside third person (me giving you some common things as prompts) and then you having to "go fishing" with them before Emma communicated with you about what was going in in her inner life and put cards on the table PLAIN?

How is communication in this marriage? Emma says the marriage is great for her... but is it great for you?

But then she told me that sex feels like a chore to her. She apparently still enjoys it, but she said that matching my libido is becoming a problem for her.

How often are you two sharing sex now? Is it the sex, or is it her attraction to you? Was she going through postpartum depression with the last kid and it went untreated?

I the told her that dating Amy doesn't mean that I go to a park or a restaurant with her, but actually involves sex and maybe even feelings. She told me that she understands and accepts this, as long as I do not check out from our marriage.

Polyamory means "many loves." I'm glad you understand that it could involve sharing both feelings and sex with another partner. What open model would it even be? Eventually working toward coprimary? Something else?

Models of Open Relationships by Kathy Labriola

If Emma ends up not liking it, is she going to ask you to dump the new partner? And would you oblige, or tell Emma, "No, thank you. You don't get to decide what happens in my other relationship(s)," or similar?

Given how she is "hovering" now with the "theoretical Amy"... is Emma going to "hover" like that if you do change to poly and date other people? Always wanting to know if you text, what you text? Wanting to know things that aren't her business? The other dyads get no privacy?

Not being mean, ok? But what's so great about maintaining the marriage, rather than separating and being coparents? Then Emma dates or does not date how she wants, and you date/don't date how you want. You'd still be family, but perhaps that's a more sustainable and realistic relationship shape?

Are you coming to polyamory as a "crutch" or "bandaid" thing to help you endure a wonky marriage or avoid a breakup?

Would you do poly even if you were divorced?

She insisted that she loves me and wants me to be happy. I protested again and said that I am happy with just her.

So... could you be happy with less sex in this marriage, then? Why's it on Emma to take meds to "ramp up" her sex drive, rather than you taking meds to "ramp it down?"

Could you two be happy as exes, friends and coparents? You've changed many times already. There was a time you didn't know each other, then became friends, started dating, got engaged, married, pregnant, etc. What's another change?

Does the change HAVE to be changing to a mono-poly thing, rather than changing to divorced coparents? Would this be like going the long way around? All this work to change to poly and then ending up divorced anyway?

I asked for therapy again and she said that she will actually leave me if I suggest therapy again (she was mostly joking/smiling).

I think you could continue individual therapy on your own. And honestly, if you are going to do poly, get some poly counseling.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

This kinda joking/kinda not thing she's doing... I don't find it actually funny. And I'd vote "no confidence" on doing mono-poly with her. She doesn't want you checking out of the marriage. But what is she doing with these jokes and wanting to outsource sex? That doesn't sound like coming together to me. It sounds like her checking out.

So there you have it. She wants to do more work and less sex and sees Amy as tool that can help her.

Why would the "Amys" agree to be your wife's marriage-endurance tool? They might not feel great about that or being objectified like that.

How do YOU feel about your wife/the marriage if she's wanting to "outsource" sex and thinks sex with you is a chore? You might not feel great about that. You might not feel great about your wife seeing other people as "tools" or objects either.

Hi! i am not sure what monogamous conditioning means but looking at the phrase, aren't we all taught that monogamy is the best?

No, we are not.

I think the most cases of polyamory I have any experience is usually when one of the spouses cheating on the other.

Cheating is not consenting, ethical polyamory. It's just cheating on agreements.

And what prevents people from cheating on their polyamorous agreements, if not the character of the person? It's not like a poly structure is magically cheater-proof or something. People can and do cheat on their poly agreements.

I feel conflicted. I love my wife very much. I don't have any intention to cheat on her. But I also feel like if I date Amy, I feel like I am cheating on Emma.

If you are conflicted right now? Don't date anyone else at this time. SLOW THINGS DOWN.

I think you could talk to a counselor in individual therapy. You wife just told you she's been pushing you at Amy so she can outsource sex and endure being married to you. That's info you might have to process with a counselor.

Because while some can manage the change to poly, if your wife is basically checking out of the sexual/romantic part of your marriage, I think it is going to be a whole lot easier for you to change to a divorced coparenting family than change to polyamory.

You'd have an easier time dating, you won't have to deal with poly transition issues, you won't have to learn a bunch of new things, you won't have to deal with being "out" as poly or not, or make a plan for how to deal with accidental pregnancy, or deal with people finding out and assuming you are a cheater, or coping with how you tell your kids you are poly, etc.

Is this book okay if only I am planning to be in polyamory but my wife is going to be in a monogamous relationship with me?

Reading books isn't going to hurt you any. That "Opening Up" one is free to read online if you make a login.

Opening up : a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships : Taormino, Tristan, 1971- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

xxv, 346 p. ; 22 cm

archive.org

The worksheets are also here:

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Additional worksheets from another author are here.

https://fiercewaterfall.com/worksheets/crafting-open-relationships.pdf

She would NOT be in a "monogamous relationship" anymore. She'd be participating in a poly V with you as the hinge. You'd be dating Wife and X, which means Wife could date other people too. She just chooses not to. Until she does... Are you prepared for that, even if she says she never wants to date anyone else right now? If she changes her mind, what would you do then? Tell her she can't do what you've been doing? Isn't it easier for you to prepare either way? Then if she dates you aren't caught by surprise? You were already prepared for that? And if she doesn't? No skin off your nose?

Once you open Pandora's box, things change. Even if you and Emma go back to closed/monogamy, it's not the same as never having opened at all.

If your wife isn't going to do any counseling, is she going to do ANY preparation work or reading to change to a poly model? Even if she's the mono person in a mono-poly thing, this change will affect her. And in case she changes her mind and chooses to date too, what skills would she have? Or would she drive you bonkers going at it all clunky?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

How to F**k up a Poly Relationship

http://www.faqs.org/faqs/polyamory/faq-supplement/ By Elise Matthesen [email protected] Summary : This is a guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in polyamorous...

www.lovecoaching.com

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

web.archive.org

If she's leaving it all on you... to me, that sounds like checking out and putting all the burden of this marriage change on you. How is that ok?

If you wanted to practice poly, you two could break up and then you move on to do polyamory on your own, where the burden of learning would be just on you. Then it would be more fair, because at that point it IS just you.

Tread with caution and don't do anything yet. Consider talking to a counselor.

That's my suggestion to you. Jumping into dating new people when it sounds like there is a LOT more to discuss with Emma... don't make that mistake.

Once a week, we have date nights where we go to one her favorite spots. I also try to book a small romantic getaway once every 6ish weeks. I am trying to keep the spark alive.

I see you are trying to do your fair share. Is she doing the same, by courting you still? How does she keep the spark alive?

And if you change to poly... how will you BOTH be tending to the (you + Emma) relationship then? Are you tending well to it now?

Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

Cowboy, cowgirl, cowpoke -- people who want to rope you off for themselves. They have no intention of actual poly. They just want to get close and then rope you off.