Personal Summaries

Hi, all. I'm 33 and came to polyamory by following a former boyfriend and always close friend. I wasn't ready to let go of the "romantic" (whatever that means) and thought that following him into polyamory left the door open for us to have a sexual relationship. I can't get very far into discussions about this area of my life without running into terminology problems. So many terms seem wrong or just don't make sense. I'm also in the middle of trying to understand exactly what I want/need in this area of my life. Monogamy doesn't seem to be a good idea, though it does seem at the moment to be the easiest. But being that of the 3 people I'm involved with, only one of them is poly (and that relationship is largely non-sexual) and the other 2 put up with my ideas but don't agree, it doesn't seem that I'm on a very sustainable path. I would like to have a child, but i would like the father of that child to be somebody I have a close relationship with, and that doesn't seem likely to happen with any of the 3 in the near future. Being 33, time is of the essence for me in this regard. So, I'm now in the midst of trying to understand what relationship configuration is best.
 
New

Hi, I am Lylli and I am 22, I am married to my wonderful husband for almost a year now. The idea of being poly has always been something that we jokingly talked about and just recently told the husband that I was done joking and that I needed another to share my love with. We are now in search of the ever elusive unicorn as he is straight and one man is enough for me.

I guess that my first venture in to the poly lovestyle would have been when I was 16. I was involved in a Vee (had no idea it was called that at the time) with my ex and his sister (nothing hinky...we were never together when the other was around)...I was deeply in love with them both and am still friends with them both today.

My husband and I have had a few polyminded friends in the past and currently and I believe that seeing those dynamics work so well helped to convince me that this is what I want. So I am here hoping to find other people that I can talk to and identify with on our journey towards finding our third.

~Lylli :D
 
Hi! I'm Amanda. I'm 27 and have been married to my husband Jonathan for 6 years. We realized that poly was for us a few months ago when I confessed to my husband that I was in love with my close friend, M. Telling him started a long discussion about his feelings for me (still madly in love), his feelings for her (huge crush), and what would happen if we moved forward with the situation. She lives a few states away so we invited her to spend the weekend, it was wonderful. We had so much fun together, even though we never discussed it, the 3 of us cuddled all night. However when things started to get physical I stopped it. M had a bit to drink and I didn't want to take advantage of her. I let her go home without ever talking about the sparks that were flying, and I regret it. That night her boyfriend (a world-class jerk) decided that he was moving in with her, and that he doesn't want her coming to visit anymore or seeing much of us at all.

The feelings of that night, even though it didn't work out with M, made us realize that we want to try and expand our family. We do have 2 young sons so I think that complicates things a lot!
 
Hi, I'm Lor. I'm stepping into poly with my boyfriend and my girl, for lack of better designation. :D

Brief background on my poly-interest starts with reading Heinlein, as is fairly common, I'm seeing. I've always wanted a large house-hold, filled with people/children/pets, commune-style. I just didn't realise there was a name for it. So here I am, looking forward to the challenges I'll face and the people I'll meet.
 
My life as I see it

I am 27, my husband is 29. We've been together 8 years, married for 4. We have 2 cats. That is as close to children as we are the moment.

We have a strong relationship. While they were some hard times, I will give credit to the many times we have had to rebuild us, becoming who we are now.

We are new to poly, as far as having the term and being openness to it. We have several friends living many alternative lifestyles, so it's not new to us. We have seen several very strong and happy Vs and triads.

I have had a hard time letting go of the beliefs and morals implanted in me during childhood. I have been doing a lot of work on learning who I am and what I believe right and wrong to be, and not believing in something simply because it was how I was raised.

I came to understand that I was bisexual about 2 years ago, but I strongly feel that if we are not both involved, it is cheating. He feels this is an unnecessary rule, but supports my belief. He also feels the act of sex does not always involve emotion, and while I understand the concept behind it, I have a hard time with it as it applies to us. He is very open with his thought that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone, as long as we stay each other's primaries. I feel there needs to be something there for me emotionally to act on it, and then I feel I am cheating, even though he is okay with it.

As we've worked through things, we've agreed that we would be open to dating someone as a couple. No "private" relationships or physical acts, but dating as a couple. We follow an "as long as we are both there" rule. More for me than him.

Several months ago he met a young woman that he enjoyed spending time with and flirting with. This was no big deal as he has several very close female friends. But soon after meeting her, he began acting weird, and when finally confronted with it, he said he had gained deep feelings for her and was torn. He believed something was wrong with us. How else could he feel for her what he did? He said he couldn't name anything. He didn't know of anything I wasn't giving him, and began to wonder if it was emotional whiplash from dealing with childhood traumas. He felt he was doing me an injustice by falling for someone else while still loving me.

I'm not sure why, but I was okay with this. I wasn't okay that he had hid it this long, but his feelings for her didn't bother me. He had cheated in the past, before we were married, and he kissed someone once while we were married. I think after living through my reactions to those, he was fearful of how to bring this up, which was why he waited so long. I surprised him and myself by being okay with the whole thing. I think it was more the lies that bothered me in the past, not the actions. So the fact that he was honest with me made things easier to accept, with the understanding that our rules were in place, I got to spend more time with her, and he stopped hiding all their conversations from me.

The first time he told her he loved her in front of me, I thanked him. I really appreciated him not hiding it anymore.

There are a lot of other things going on in all of our lives, but we have made time to date her as a couple. She is aware of and okay with our agreement, and is interested in dating us both and seeing where things go.

It is slow going, but that is okay for all involved.

So basically, I am here to continue to sort things out, learn more, and meet others like us. Maybe things with her won't work out, maybe they will. Maybe we are both poly and one day I will be more comfortable with relaxing the rules. I don't know yet. It'll be an interesting journey as we all travel this path together. Who knows? Maybe we met our unicorn without even trying.

However it works out, these are our first steps onto a new path in our relationship and it is very nice to know there are others out there.
 
I am female, straight, 25 and married. My husband is 32 and is currently my only relationship, although I am developing feelings for another man, age 27. I have discussed polyamory with my husband before, but feel another good talk is in order.

Update, August 28, 2010: I am now (since July) the hinge of a V with my husband and my boyfriend, S, aged 26. I am still in love with the man previously mentioned. My husband is also interested in someone.
 
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I am 26, female, married to a wonderful man. We have one child (a 5-year-old boy) and are hoping to have another at some point. I am submissive by nature, and extremely so with my husband.

I am in a new relationship with a second equally-wonderful fellow. (B, for the purpose of these forums.) He brings out the part of me that enjoys being in control. The men are becoming friends, which is helpful.

We're working on building a family. My husband has talked with a couple of people he is considering becoming involved with, but thus far it's just the three of us. We've been open with our son, and introduced our extended family to our (now ex-) girlfriend.

I'm big on being open about my life, and not making a big deal out of being 'different.' Hubby is a little more on the conservative side, and would rather not tell people until it's 'safe.' B seems to be fearful of the judgment his friends and family will make about us. This puts me in the awkward position of being much less open than I am comfortable with, but I'm willing to take things so to make my men happy.
 
Hi!

I'm 34 and a fellow Canadian to some of you. I am single, and a single momma to my wonderful son.I use the single momma term rather loosely as my sons father is still a huge part of our life.We still spend time together as a family and as friends, pretty damn lucky if I do say so.

I do many things...jill of all trades, master of a few. I am a small business owner and work part-time as a personal assistant. I'm crafty, a pretty fab cook, an aromatherapist, too many things to count really.

The possibly poly part of me is pretty new, the not so straight part of me isn't. I got a card from my aunt and uncle for my 19th birthday that said they would love me no matter what I chose. I consider myself fortunate that my love is not limited by gender... I've had male, female and a few partners occupying varying degrees of the space in between.

I am single, have been for a while. At this point it would be nice to meet people to spend time with, although I'm not in a hurry. I live with my son and don't plan on living with anyone else anytime soon.I like my space a lot as my life is very busy.

Passionate, compassionate, weird, shy,a pain the ass, easy going, difficult,..complex, but hopefully I don't have any complexes!
 
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One from the far north

I'm a 50+ Norwegian, super-nerdy I think someone would say, but with a lot of interests and activities. A time of relief in my life was when I first found polyamory mailing lists and sites on the emerging Internet in the mid-90es.

After all, I was not just another dysfunctional monogamist, there were probably thousands like me out there! I knew I wasn't that dysfunctional relationship-wise, in fact I had understood that I had some talents and skills in that field. But that tendency to always be, in principle, open to new relationships, in spite of being in a good one.. I knew it was not just male fucking-around behavior. Because in that pattern, men tend to avoid the relationship part, while that always was important to me.

For years, I followed discussion groups, made some modest attempts at polyamory myself (didn't work... you can't do it halfway), but was by no means sure about how important this was to me. I had found myself a diagnosis of my "deviant" inclinations, that was what mattered most.

Three years ago, I decided now was the time to try it in a more serious way, and I'm still in the V we formed then. One leg is my life partner of 30+ years, she is personally not very poly-inclined, but has acknowledged how this has boosted the development of our (very) long-term relationship. The other is a woman with very much the same inclinations as me, poly-wise, though we have lots of differences in most other fields. We have a blog together, in Norwegian, "Magic Penny", dedicated to polyamory and relationships: http://polyamori.blogspot.com.

Feel free to contact me if there is something you'd like to talk about. I'm not always in the mood for sex, but more or less constantly in the mood for communication, with seemingly insatible needs there ;-)
 
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Lost No More

Let me apologize up front for the length. When I recently discovered what I feel I am had a name, and a community, my heart opened up, and this is the first place I’m pouring it into.

I am a 38-year old white hetero male, with an unfortunate history of relationships, who has lived the mono lifestyle out of fear and confusion for decades. I have felt myself to be what I now know is polyamorous most of my life, but I have also had a hard time articulating my beliefs and inclinations about relationships to others and have been judged harshly by (most) of the few people I have ventured to share those beliefs with.

So when I discovered you all... Oh-Emm-Gee, WOW. That was my first reaction when I came across this site and headed right into this thread. I'm utterly flabbergasted. I'm also realizing that for a person who has prided himself on being able to boldly proclaim his beliefs about every fundamental topic (religion, existence, politics, etc.), I have kept my poly nature very close to myself and have outwardly (shamefully?) lived as if I were mono all my life. (Is there a poly closet?)

I don't know if it was because I just felt odd about my beliefs internally (upon my own reflection), or because I felt odd for external reasons (yielding to the oppressive majority, or yielding to the threat of ostracization I felt after the few times I began to share my beliefs about my views on intimacy), or both. But I lived a lie. Now, after reading the well-articulated, honest and heartfelt thoughts on the subject from many of you all, I feel SOOO relieved that MY subjective version of how I wanted to live and love was objectively validated, not simply because there were others who lived and loved this way, but because such a large group of very intelligent and thoughtful, nay, philosophical, people whom I know I would respect hold these same beliefs.

I didn't want to think I was that odd. I didn't think it was crazy to wonder why we humans relish what variety offers in so many aspects of life (food, music, careers-- shit, almost everything!), yet one of the two most assumed fundamental aspects of humanness, love (the other being cortex-sentience), MUST be shackled to a format that locks people together two-by-two for life (huh?), regardless of how individuals wish to love and experience lust. This was utterly baffling to me in my teens and twenties. But even more baffling was how absolutely widespread this notion was (and is) accepted (oh the power of inculcation!).

I don't want to beat up on monogamy. In fact, the discussions of why most people identify as mono have been enlightening, and I don’t see it as so “bad” anymore (as long as it’s honest, self-reflected monogamy). I’m also very impressed with how respectful, inquisitive, open-minded and even empathetic you all are towards an overwhelmingly majority view that is so hostile to our way of seeing relationships. I've held parts of these discussions in my head too. It's just real nice to see others discussing/arguing about these topics that I felt so alone in contemplating for so long.

BACKGROUND

I was raised in a hodgepodge-religious family-- Mormon, Jewish, Catholic, Buddhist and Atheist. (I know, it sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.) I was with my first girlfriend for 9 years. Then I dated for a year-and-a-half. I next began my current relationship of 11 years, which will be coming to an end soon.

I'd never attempted anything but monogamy. I was raised to believe in what I now call the "conveyer belt" view of life: finish high school, go on to a higher education, meet a "nice woman," marry her, make babies and money, go to church and worship, teach those kids how to ride the conveyer belt themselves, and then die, having being "faithful" to the wife for life.

I understood the efficacy of the pattern. The meme of monogamy has been honed over thousands of years, with each generation of leaders defining relationships to encourage notions of “safety” and “stability” in a way considered important to avoid the uncertainty and even chaos threatened in once very small and biologically-connected clan-communities, with the unfortunate vestiges of such thinking inherited to this day. There is, of course, a natural explanation for the prevalence of monogamy (and its continued acculturation) too, namely, our basic feelings of jealousy, insecurity and the belief of ownership associated with our relationships. But I started to wonder why I could separate my urges from these notions drilled into me from childhood.

At the same time, I was also questioning my faith, and when I saw that institutions (like formal religion) could have easily been invented solely by humans, rather than inspired by something divine, I began to question the institutions themselves, and even the tenets those institutions were based upon. God, marriage, even the biological imperative of children, all became mere options for me, rather than the givens I had been trained to accept. This wasn't as simple as I'm making it sound. Acculturation is powerful (arguably evolved in our very complex brains). It took more than paradigm shifting... actual cognitive dissonance, to see the world entirely differently. But I'm so glad it happened.

With these revelations also came my reconsideration of monogamy. The notion that we are all to be simply paired like Noah's animals on an ark called Earth became silly. People love all kinds of people all different kinds of ways throughout their lives, and circumstances dictate that a least some of these various loves MUST overlap along the timeline (including the in-love types of love!). I began to disdain the social construct and what I saw as extreme self-insecurity that results in “monogamy.”

However, I am learning now, after reading and experiencing more, that monogamy can be healthy if done freely and honestly without coming from a place of religious/social constraint.

Back then, I felt it could not have been that our nature was so illogical, but more likely that the mono hey-you-one-at-time, please, philosophy of finding a mate was more likely DECIDED and TAUGHT to each generation. So, I thought about it long and hard, and a couple “truths” emerged for me:

- Most people fall in love more than once during their lifetimes;

- We don't control who we fall in love with; it’s a FEELING, not a CHOICE;

- We don't control when we fall in love;

- Life is super short and limiting relationships to one and one only by definition halts the possibility of discovering new and/or stronger/different loves.

I considered these facts, compared them to everything I had been taught about the "importance" of monogamy, and decided that the benefits (reality?) of being polyamorous substantially outweighed the benefits of monogamy. WHAT NOW?

I told my first girlfriend about my newfound views, and she was hostile to it (monogamous to the core). Moreover, someone I had known all my life started to affect me romantically (but she was too young, middle teens). I thought I had my confirmation by having feelings for two women at the same time. But I slowly realized I had never really been in love with my girlfriend, so we broke up. The young girl and I also lost touch.

I began began dating like crazy, with varying degrees of (emotional and/or physically intimate) success. I found the first person I knew for sure I was in love with during this time and we became very close. But romance was not to be. It was extremely painful and I broke off our relationship.

I then met my current girlfriend, who I thought I was falling in love with. But by the time I realized I wasn't, it was too late: she suffers from a serious mental illness and my leaving her would have destroyed her (and all the professional goals she had worked so hard all her life for) so I've spent years staying with her (unhappy and unfulfilled) to help her get better enough to be without me, which is finally happening. I also have never told her about my poly tendencies. But I plan to after I'm formally out of the picture. This relationship is currently winding down, like a marriageless divorce. (Just in time to discover and begin exploring the poly community?)

However, to make things worse (for me), that young girl I'd known all my life, who lost touch with me, came back into my life recently, now an adult, and I realized very quickly those romantic feelings I was having for her when she was underage were real. I am head-over-heels in love with her. She has, unfortunately, jumped on the conveyer belt (husband, kids, house, the whole nine yards) and I don't know if she has any poly tendencies. (I'm deathly afraid to ask). She agrees that we have a “special” kind of love and she cares about me a lot. But I don’t think it goes beyond that, because she seems very happy in the life she built while I was out of her picture. I think about her with the joy of love and the heavy remorse of unrequited love in my heart every day :( (or should I say NRE and depression at the same time?).

That is my history with love.

Now, I'm not the type of person that loves lightly. When I fall in love, it's for real and forever. So I'm stuck in a place now where I've spent 20 years (more than half my life) with two women whom I loved but wasn't in love with, and am (still) in love with two other women, both of whom are unattainable, for various reasons.

I'm really looking forward to getting out there and meeting some like-minded people, and finding women who see the world as I do. (Before I could even articulate poly, I thought the idea of a female archetype such as what I now know as polyamorous was simply a myth!).

Thank you all so much for expressing your beliefs, thoughts and advice. I feel MUCH less alone in the world now.
 
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Hey, I'm just 34, and married for just 9 years. Husband has been making noises about possibly having another lady join our family, and I'm warming up to the idea. As my screen name suggests, I'm pretty sheltered when it comes to experience. We're people of faith and have two small children, so that can complicate things a bunch.

At this point, we're both exploring what's even available, and or possibly comfortable for us. Lots of discussion, and learning going on. Our marriage is a wonderful relationship, but both of us are considering things.
 
Thanks

Hi,

I started having a cruise around your forum a couple days ago when I was feeling particularly sad about my relationship. You guys have helped a lot. Now I feel much better about things and my relationship has improved already!

I think this forum is really important for people exploring poly issues because a lot of us live in world that is still at odds with it. So we have no other avenue for support at times when we really need it.

I have been "poly attuned" philosophically for a long time, but since my marriage broke up and I fell in love with my new partner, I have found it really difficult to accept his continued love for a secondary. But now, with the help of the forum, I am confident that I can grow into the life and my relationship with be all the better for it.

Thanks again,
sage
 
Just wanted to post SOMETHING...I was just fascinated by the idea of polyamory, and I wonder if this would have been something that would have saved our marriage. Then again, perhaps not.

I am not in a relationship at all, and at the moment am not looking for one, I am just amazed at the idea of this.
I used to think that a lifestyle like this would be the ultimate idea if it existed (and recall telling my second husband that, too:D), but, well, anyway....society's mores and ideas and such get in the way, hehe.

Well, little did I know. This does exist. Pretty cool.

So, I hate to lurk around without letting others at least know who I am, ya know?

I am 47, have a son, am separated, but still married. My husband lives in another state with his GF of oh, what, 6 years now? Yeah...think so anyhow.

We have no relationship at all save for the occasional e-mail contact. I have full physical and financial custody of my son, by verbal agreement. Nothing is legal.

I live in Philly, and work as a respiratory therapist.
 
In a nutshell, I'm 34 years old; I have been poly in two relationships (one in around 2001 and the other from 2005 up until today). I have had quite a few things that I/ve had to work on in poly that are at enough of a low roar that I wouldn't point them out as current issues, jealousy, worry about being "left out" (FOMO) because of other partners, etc. The current thing I was trying to work through until very recently was that I hadn't been able to find any form of secondary/tertiary/OSO (whatever term you might prefer).

After some things that happened recently I decided to focus much more on self work then on looking for a secondary. I hope to start looking again, maybe by the end of 2010, but probably closer to about this time next year.
 
My name is Lex ~

My name is Lex,I've been in a poly relationship for almost a yr.I am married to my Hubby for 23yrs & my poly friend is married as well.His wife is not poly & this type of relationship between her Hubby & I ~ I will call him JJ~ was eating her up.His wife & I are close friends I will call her ML.ML broke our poly relationship up 3 wks ago.I'm still trying to deal with my feelings on this.I no JJ has deep feeling for me as well as I do for him.ML & JJ don't have a close Marriage bond like Hubby & I do.So I think JJ chose to stay with ML & try to work on his marriage. JJ has not sat down with me I feel lost,hurt.I'm not mad at JJ cause I know he's not strong enough to face me I think he would break down & he's trying to avoid me for that reason.My Hubby has been wonderful.He is the one who has been there to support me.He's not a poly person but he does believe in poly for other people.I know ML has feeling for me as well as JJ does.That is a whole other story.She also wants all 4 of us to stay friends.She still wants to hang out like the good old days.We tried doing this last wk but things feel different.I don't think we can ever be like we use to be.ML doesn't want to believe that JJ & I had feelings for each other.She wants to believe it was sex driven.That is not true- there were many time where we didn't have sex.I'm not sure what to think how to feel.I'm a lost soul right now.I want to believe that this is not over that JJ & ML will work things out & JJ will come back.......

On a happy note I'm not giving up on Polyamory.I would luv to meet more people that live this life style & learn from you!!

Thanks for reading,Luv Lex :)
 
me...

Well a little about me. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for almost 3 and have a 1 year old. When we first started dating he was very up front with me about his sexuality and thought on relationships. He is bi sexual and have always liked the idea of polyamory. He had been upfront with prior girlfriends though it never worked out. I had told him that I was not closed to the idea but I believed that a primary relationship had to be strong first to ever think about it. I did tell him that I was not in to random threesomes and that I didn't enjoy having sex with women. After this he decided that I was not interseted in polyamory nor would I ever be. (Sometimes he doesn't listen well)

We have had a very open relationship in our bedroom as much as you can between 2 people. I am very open to his bi sexuality and he knows he is welcome to have a boyfriend at anytime. He has never taken that route though, just having some random, non sexual encounters.

He is very loyal and a very wonderful person. He has had it in his head that I was and would always be a monogamous person.

After our child was born I had a lot of health problems that pretty much killed our sex life. Him being a very sexual person this was disastorous (did I spell that right?) Well that being said almost all communication was lost and we became just people living together and resented eachother most of the time. I had mentioned that he needed to find a girl friend or I thought it would be the end of our marriage. As he never took me up on it my health has started to improve and our marriage is much better then it was.

Well we had the polyamoures talk again and I again told him that a relationship would have to be strong in order to take it on. We also began to talk about what kind of relationship would work best for us. We do believe it would be a quad.

Though we are not at a point to take another couple on, we are talking about it and communication had been very open with us and good. We are building our marriage stronger and better. As I know this conversation will continue and I am sure that we will have questions I figure this would be a good place.

Whew... I talk a lot.
 
I'm 28 and living in Saskatchewan Canada.
I was part of a serious triadic relationship for a year until he and I totally messed it up (she felt insecure and did not want us sleeping together with out her and we did anyway) and she gave me the emotional boot until I caught on and physically left. Well I've missed them like I couldnt even imagine was possible and am positive I have learned my lesson. It's three years later and she has forgiven us, on here she will be Y and he will be J. I have never been so happy. We've only been back together since May 29/10 and though they currently live two provinces away they are planning on moving in with me by next spring. I wanted to join here because I'm hoping with a little support maybe we can manage not to break it this time, and I'm just soooo darn happy I want to shout from the rooftops... though not even my brother wants to hear about that. I thought you all might not mind as much. :cool:
 
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I'm Edward. I'm 52, and have been in poly relationships for around 23 years with two women (A and A2), legally married to one. I have one daughter (19).
 
non-mono, poly-curious; ehyeh asher ehyeh

I am what is called philosophically polyamorous, but I am also open to purely monogamous relationships if conditions are right.

I am new to the poly community, this being my first real venture, but I am not new to the idea of polyamory, nor have I ever questioned myself as polyamorous after first being introduced to the concept about four years ago. I am also pansexual, though I have not yet fallen for someone not of the opposite gender.

As for my relationship history, it is extremely brief. I have one current partner, who is the only partner I've ever had, and we have been together for over a year now, though we have been friends and interested for over six. My partner is a mono, but he is gradually understanding and opening up to me being poly. I established with him, early on, that I may not be exclusive to him in the future.

As a side note, it was Robert Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land that first introduced the concept of polyamory to me.

Though I know I am polyamorous, I still consider myself poly-curious because of my lack of practical experience with polyamorous relationhips and the polyamorous community, as well as because of my openness to monogamy.

To explain my title, I am pretty secure in my own orientation (as secure as someone my age can be), and am simply searching for that tag which encompasses them.
 
Hi! You can call me Charlotte, I'm 30 and left my homeland 2 years ago, and I've been living with a guy since then. We're not married, but we do are committed to each other. Since the beginning, we agreed to have an open relationship because we both think that it's best for us than traditional monogamy.

(By the way, english is not my "primary language", so I apologize for any mistake)

I met my partner on the internet, when I was planning my trip to his country (I wanted to study something here). We chatted almost everyday during a year, in a friendly way; but when we actually met we realized we were in love and decided to give it a try.

We are learning how to develop an open relationship, and I'm sure I will learn lots thanks to the people around this forum! ;)
 
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