Playing with friends

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Pigwidgeon

Member
What are your thoughts on dating mutual friends?

My husband and I are at the beginning of opening up our relationship. We have a friend that I’d like to play with but my husband isn’t keen. (Not quite a veto but a “I would find that very difficult but it’s your choice”). I obviously get on with with this person and have some sexual chemistry with him, but this also feels like a logical choice/desire based on his circumstances. My husband’s response seems more of an emotional one (it would feel too much in his face). So whilst I accept he doesn’t like the idea of this and I have no intentions to hurt him, I can’t quite let the logical argument go.

I’m not particularly looking for advice, I’m happy with how our discussions are going and will accept a no. I’m more interested in your stories and experiences about dating friends, making it work within a group where most of your friends don’t know, breaking up and staying friends and that sort of thing.

Also - have you managed to stay away from someone who has been vetoed (where you still see them as a friend) or has it just made the desire stronger? I can’t just switch off my crush because I’ve agreed not to act on it! I guess my main concern is that, even if we do decide nothing can happen, my husband still knows that I like this guy and has to live with that knowledge. He’s ok with me hanging out with him and openly flirting and trusts in our agreement that it won’t get physical (and he’s right to). If I’m honest, if I find a stranger to play with (which would be harder to find but easier for my husband to handle) then at least part of me would be doing it to get my husband used to the idea with a hope that he then might change his mind.
 
I see you consider this "playing with" your friend, not anticipating starting a full on romantic relationship.

I also see you anticipate a time when the sexual chemistry might lessen, and you might want to transition back to "just friends."

Most experienced poly people agree with their primary partner on a "messy list," people you'd rather they didn't date. Along with relatives, colleagues, and bosses, close friends are often on this list. It can be hard to remain friends if the romance/sex doesn't work out. Quite often there are hard feelings. Your h is wise to anticipate this possibility.

I have had crushes on friends, and it is difficult to focus on staying platonic when the attraction is strong and maybe is returned. But usually it is best to just enjoy the tingles and not act on them.

However, your h needs to deal with his own emotions around you crushing on a mutual friend. These kinds of crushes are universal and billions or trillions or more people have experienced them in the course of human history. It's just a fact of life. Part of the fun of poly is being able to admit to crushes on friends and not get shit for it from your primary.

My primary and I crush on our friends a lot! They are all so cute and smart and fun. And we aren't asexual, so those feelings and thoughts are just going to arise. But we don't take things further with friends. One can only handle so many romances, nurture so many relationships. So we keep things platonic, and keep our friends as friends.
 
Thank you, that is helpful. I have actually already had some one off fun with this friend (in May) and we’ve managed to maintain a platonic friendship since then, in fact he and I have become closer and so have he and my husband. My husband doesn’t have any issue with my crush, we often hang out with him and he’ll see us flirting and it’s all good. I do think this would be truly friends with benefits and not romantic and that would work for me and friend. Friend has been in a monogamous relationship since our fun but has now come out of it which is why this has reared its head again now!
 
So, when Friend meets someone new and starts dating them, you'll go platonic again?

I've had this kind of FWB before, it can be very doable. But I've also had that friend's new gf be snippy at me, which can be unpleasant.
 
Yes I would see this as a temporary thing whilst it’s convenient for us both. It would be totally honest and upfront from the start. He could be dating and if something got serious he could tell me about it without worrying about consequences. It might be hard on me but that’s what I’m signing up for.

Personally I’d much rather play with friends, because they’d know us and believe me that I’m happily married and plan to stay that way. I think there’s a danger meeting new people that, no matter how honest you are, they might not really believe or understand it unless they’re in a similar situation. And I live in the countryside. There’s not exactly a thriving poly community here! Also I know everyone so chances of meeting anyone new are very slim!!
 
In my experience, dating or playing or anything with friends has always ended badly. Either someone wants more than the other(s) and friendship is ruined or new partner is uncomfortable and friendship is ruined or one person wants it to end while the other(s) do not and friendship ruined.

I don't do messy people (close friends, coworkers, etc) anymore. Lol
 
Hi Pigwidgeon,

Playing with your friend seems to me to be the logical thing to do; after all, your husband will know that you are crushing on your friend even if you don't play with him. You could just be friends with benefits for awhile, then go back to being friends after the NRE wears away. If you already have feelings for this friend, why deny them? Your relationship with your friend has actually deepened after some one-off fun with him. Of course, some people do put (mutual) friends on their messy list. Perhaps this is what your husband has done.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Pigwidgeon said:
Yes I would see this as a temporary thing whilst it’s convenient for us both. It would be totally honest and upfront from the start. He could be dating and if something got serious he could tell me about it without worrying about consequences. It might be hard on me but that’s what I’m signing up for.

Personally I’d much rather play with friends, because they’d know us and believe me that I’m happily married and plan to stay that way. I think there’s a danger meeting new people that, no matter how honest you are, they might not really believe or understand it unless they’re in a similar situation. And I live in the countryside. There’s not exactly a thriving poly community here! Also I know everyone so chances of meeting anyone new are very slim!!
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Oh, so you've already had a "one off" fuck. Well, it wasn't "one off," was it? You stopped because he got a gf, but now you want more. Think about that.

You're not looking for polyamory, exactly. You're not open to falling in love with Friend. You think you can keep this on a temporary FWB plane, and just break it off if/when he gets a "real" gf.

What if sex added to a good friendship deepens to real love and a certain intensity that can't be brushed aside?

Some of our members have the personality to put people in the FWB box, and keep things light. Personally, I am polyamorous. I don't want to fuck someone unless falling in love is perfectly OK, great, awesome. I would hate to break up with someone because my feelings became "too deep." That just seems counter-intuitive.

Go for it, if you want, just be prepared for reality to be different than what your fantasy is.

Have you read Opening Up? A good book that can help predict some issues that might arise, and prepare you for how to deal with it.
 
Pigwidgeon said:
It would be totally honest and upfront from the start.
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Not picking on you, Pigwidgeon, but how is it that so many people think that this will inoculate them from their human feelings? When human beings are involved, expect messy feelings. Being upfront about the intention not to develop deep feelings assures absolutely nothing. How has this fallacy persisted all these years?
 
I guess it’s more “I might fall in love with you, but that doesn’t mean I’ll leave my husband. I can feel that way about both of you (in different ways).” I’m only ever going to have a hierarchical model, my husband will always be my primary and public relationship.
 
Just as a counter-example: I am one of those people who pretty much only dates, plays with, falls in love with ... friends. They are the only people with whom I am ever going to be close enough to have any sort of relationship. (I am also fine with casual sex - or one-off flirtations, but that is not likely to go any further.) If people want to put themselves in the FWB role - that's fine, if they want more and that works for both of us, that is fine too.

VV and I have been long-distance FWBs for over 20 years, sometimes platonic friends if she was trying a monogamous relationship, sometimes sharing partners if they were game. Then again, I also don't really distinguish between "types" of relationships - each one is unique and whatever it is. I'm not good at "roles" and "definitions" (or "expectations" for that matter).:eek:
 
Pigwidgeon said:
My husband and I are at the beginning of opening up our relationship. We have a friend that I’d like to play with but my husband isn’t keen. (Not quite a veto but a “I would find that very difficult but it’s your choice”). I obviously get on with with this person and have some sexual chemistry with him, but this also feels like a logical choice/desire based on his circumstances. My husband’s response seems more of an emotional one (it would feel too much in his face). So whilst I accept he doesn’t like the idea of this and I have no intentions to hurt him, I can’t quite let the logical argument go.
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Your “ logical “ argument is based on feeling, history and chemistry ??? And hubby’s is emotional???:D

AND this is the same guy you accidentally had sex with / PLAYED WITH in a communication foul up that almost took down you marriage correct ???

So I can see a PTSD trigger type response / emotional argument to that guy.

Wouldn’t be LOGICAL not keep picking at an old scab ??


I can’t just switch off my crush because I’ve agreed not to act on it! I guess my main concern is that, even if we do decide nothing can happen, my husband still knows that I like this guy and has to live with that knowledge. He’s ok with me hanging out with him and openly flirting and trusts in our agreement that it won’t get physical (and he’s right to). If I’m honest, if I find a stranger to play with (which would be harder to find but easier for my husband to handle) then at least part of me would be doing it to get my husband used to the idea with a hope that he then might change his mind.
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What’s your true goal in this?? To find new and exciting sex partners. To have More sex ?? Or to be truly free and date and screw whoever you like or this particular guy? Your last sentence above suggests it’s all about the long term goal of conditioning hubby to accept you having sex with this particular guy.

To me it looks like there are strong feeling and crush that’s developed in this relationship and using casual terms like play or hook up is an attempt to downplay what’s really going on or how strong your feeling truly are.
 
dingedheart said:
Your “ logical “ argument is based on feeling, history and chemistry ??? And hubby’s is emotional???:D

AND this is the same guy you accidentally had sex with / PLAYED WITH in a communication foul up that almost took down you marriage correct ???

So I can see a PTSD trigger type response / emotional argument to that guy.

Wouldn’t be LOGICAL not keep picking at an old scab ??




What’s your true goal in this?? To find new and exciting sex partners. To have More sex ?? Or to be truly free and date and screw whoever you like or this particular guy? Your last sentence above suggests it’s all about the long term goal of conditioning hubby to accept you having sex with this particular guy.

To me it looks like there are strong feeling and crush that’s developed in this relationship and using casual terms like play or hook up is an attempt to downplay what’s really going on or how strong your feeling truly are.
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Yes this is the guy that caused us some major marriage problems, but husband agrees that it was a miscommunication and they get on fine now, better than before if anything (as do me and husband). It was the catalyst for a lot of good.

What I mean by logical is that I have had other crushes but they are on people who are married, or are single and looking for marriage/kids, this guy is neither of those. I want it as much as I do at least partly because it just makes so much sense to me and he’s right there! Why waste time looking for someone else?
 
Pigwidgeon said:
Yes this is the guy that caused us some major marriage problems, but husband agrees that it was a miscommunication and they get on fine now, better than before if anything (as do me and husband). It was the catalyst for a lot of good.
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Does your husband have the same feeling about all the good that’s come out of that event. And if so why would he find it very difficult and too much in his face If they get one so well now ??? You make it sound like their relationship has gotten better as a result of you having had sex with this guy. So how would more sex / play be a bad thing ? Wouldn’t it just build on all that good ?
 
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Yes that is exactly my thinking!

Their relationship has grown from this but it’s not always clear to me when my husband is genuinely fine with it or if he’s sometimes putting on a brave face or trying to be mature and not being honest with me that it’s difficult
 
Pigwidgeon said:
Yes that is exactly my thinking!

Their relationship has grown from this but it’s not always clear to me when my husband is genuinely fine with it or if he’s sometimes putting on a brave face or trying to be mature and not being honest with me that it’s difficult
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The thing is, it's not the sex with the other guy that brought on the growth, it's the communication, compromise, and vulnerability that brought on the growth. The sex with the other guy was just the catalyst for those things. Respecting your husband's boundaries in regards to this guy will hopefully build more trust between the two of you. It may be in doing so, he'll eventually open up to you being with other guy....or not. Only time will tell.

As for whether sex with friends is a good idea or not, I think it depends on the person and the situation. My personal boundary is if it's *my* friend, it's *my* friendship that is at risk if the relationship doesn't work out so it's me and *my* friend's decision whether we pursue a romantic/sexual relationship. OTOH, if it's my partner (Blue)'s friend, then if I pursue a romantic/sexual relationship with the friend and it ends badly, then it's Blue who potentially loses a friend. That doesn't feel fair to me so I don't pursue the relationship.

On the flip side, Blue would be willing to date my friends but he respects my boundaries and doesn't pursue relationships with any of my friends, even if he wants to. I have one friend that every year or two he'll ask again if she's still on my messy list. I say yes and he respects that even though he'd like to date her.
 
Here’s what your husband posted a few months ago.

Dangermouse said:
Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been discussing poly relationships for the best part of 2 years and after lots of research I believe that she is poly and I am mono. She uses this forum but may or may not want to identify herself as my wife, I’ll leave it up to her to choose.
The bottom line is that I am really struggling to accept this lifestyle change of hers and although I want her to be happy, I can’t in all good consciousness be in a mono/poly relationship. The trouble is we have both said to each other that we want to be together forever. Not sure what to do.
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To me he’s sort of saying the same thing now just less forcefully. “ Not keen and
I would find it VERY difficult but it’s your choice “ < this taken from your original post. Have you and he sought out any counseling independent of each other or as a couple in the intervening months??
 
Myself, I don't have friends wild enough to do stuff like this. If I did, I'd be wary of involving them for casual sex- too complicated for maintaining both the friendship(s) and the primary relationship. I'd feel differently though if I saw potential for a serious romantic relationship with the friend, not just sex, but true polyamorous love, and this wouldn't mess things up with my spouse. I'd be much more willing to risk trouble for something major as opposed to just a good f--k. Anyhow, all of this is purely hypothetical for me.
 
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I’m more interested in your stories and experiences about dating friends, making it work within a group where most of your friends don’t know, breaking up and staying friends and that sort of thing.
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I've only ever dated friends. I have to know someone a bit before I want to date them. My few experiences with dating strangers? It's too hard/boring.

I didn't “have to make it work.” I just went about my business.

I'm still friendly with my exes. If they wanted more, I would put more energy into it, but they don't. So occasional holiday cards it is.

I can’t just switch off my crush because I’ve agreed not to act on it!
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So enjoy it from afar. Then you can still keep your agreement.

We have a friend that I’d like to play with but my husband isn’t keen. (Not quite a veto but a “I would find that very difficult but it’s your choice”).
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How's it kind to your spouse to put him in a difficult place? :confused:

My husband’s response seems more of an emotional one (it would feel too much in his face).
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Ok, he doesn't want you involved sexually again with his friend even though you all recovered from the past dalliance. It's too “in his face.”

You could respect that and not date Dude again. Leave it be.

it’s not always clear to me when my husband is genuinely fine with it or if he’s sometimes putting on a brave face or trying to be mature and not being honest with me that it’s difficult
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Well, he sounds clear he doesn't want you taking up with this guy again. Ok being friends with Dude, but not you sharing sex with him again.

Have you asked Husband to please be clear about the whole "mono-poly" thing? Because if he prefers monogamy and doesn't want to be in a mono-poly thing where you have other partners? Best to know it now rather than later. It's better than you trying to poly date and then it blowing up in your face.

I have had other crushes but they are on people who are married, or are single and looking for marriage/kids, this guy is neither of those. I want it as much as I do at least partly because it just makes so much sense to me and he’s right there! Why waste time looking for someone else?
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Because you do not sound totally clear with your husband on whether or not he wants to be doing mono-poly to begin with so it would be jumping the gun.

And “he's right here” and "handy" is not a good reason to get entangled with Dude again.

My husband and I are at the beginning of opening up our relationship.
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If your husband verifies that he is ok doing mono-poly? Looking for someone else that is less “in his face” isn't a waste of time. It's an investment in maintaining harmony with your spouse during the transition time so opening the marriage can GO WELL.

There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy or difficult ones. Over time, as spouse learns to trust that you can handle yourself? As spouse learns meta skills? You could see about dating closer friends, even Dude. But to date his friends for a FWB thing... that can mess stuff up. Esp if things go south and then what friends does your spouse have to turn to for support? Not gonna be Dude.

Why start with the hard ones first? :confused: Just cuz they are handy? That sounds kinda lazy, TBH.

Back up a bit and talk to spouse. Does he really want to be participating in a mono-poly thing with you from a joyful place? Or is this more like " well... if I have to... if the only other choice is breaking up...." or similar?

You were fortunate the previous miscommunication smoothed out. Don't miscommunicate again. Talk to spouse and get clear.

That would be my suggestion. And def leave some friends "off limits" on both sides. Because even if you want to be together forever, if things should go horribly wrong, each of you will need your friend support people.

Galagirl
 
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