Poly on purpose

Freetime said:
I've been both spectator and player in this dance. I am quickly coming to realize that "poly" is used as a descriptor for a wide variety of relationships, some of which look a lot more like swinging than poly.

I don't get the "let's date everybody" attitude. It ends up limiting the time we have with those who we already have relationships with. I'm watching those around me in hot pursuit of new/different/more, while barely spending time with those they've just started getting involved with. Weird.
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You're not alone in not getting the "let's date everyone" attitude. I can't date a whole bunch of people willy-nilly because, for me, it cheapens what it means to share a romantic relationship with those I hold dear. I'm not judging those who do date many people; it just doesn't work for me.

I think the benefit of groups like this is that it gives you somewhere that you can talk freely about your relationships and not be judged. You're right that there are so many variations of poly that you're not always going to see eye-to-eye with how others live and love. If you've found some people whose company you enjoy, that's what's important.
 
Derbylicious said:
I can't date a whole bunch of people willy-nilly. It cheapens what it means to share a romantic relationship with those I hold dear. I'm not judging those who do date many people, it just doesn't work for me.
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Agreed. But then, maybe that's why you are my sweetie.

The thing is, there are bound to be people there that are like you, but also trying to feel like they fit in somehow. Poly isn't mainstream. All we have starting out is groups. Then, hopefully, we narrow it down to like-minded friends and lovers in time.
 
redpepper said:
Hey! You promised a visit to the island. Come camping next weekend?
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Okay, I'm in. I need to work out the details, but I need out, and this sounds like the perfect thing.

I am very much looking forward to meeting you and the clan. If I like it there, do I have to come back?
 
It ain't working

FUCK!!!!!

Don't stop
Don't slow down
Never back up
Always forward

I wish I were in the forest again, or on a bike taking a road trip.
 
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Uh-oh. Breathe, but

Talk it out.
 
My best friend from back home is out here visiting this week, and was telling us last about some of the relationships struggles he's been going through. One of them being that there's been conflicts he's had with his gf when they're both tired, and not processing well, or let their tempers get the better of them. In the heat of the arguments there's contemplation's of breaking up, and such...I don't know if some of this might sound familiar.

So I reminded him of something from basic first aid....especially important knowledge for us Canucks too...they aren't dead, until they're warm and dead! (passive audience can wiki Hypothermia or something if you need to know where that came from)

The point I was getting to was that being tired, mad, drunk, distracted, etc, are not great times to make any decisions that are easy to regret. A relationship should not be dead, until the people involved are rested, sober, and ready to make sound decisions.

This bit isn't just for you Freetime, but hopefully it'll help remind you occasionally that these periods of things looking impossible have been transient and shall pass...and not do anything rash in the meantime.
 
Big weekend is here, and other assorted noise

My gf Tilly, and Tess's bf Mike are coming over for the weekend. Four months into this, and yet another step along the path. I plan to have the time of my life this weekend. Fun and frivolity are sure to ensue. I'll be giving a full report, if I survive it.

I've had people point guns at me in anger, been in fights where I've had bruises left in the form of boot prints, seen horrible shit no one should ever see, and yet polyamory scares me more then any of that.

Broken ribs, hand, nose, cracked cheekbone, etc., and sometimes poly seems more painful then anything I can compare this to.

I must be getting old. The fear of loss is overwhelming at times. Watching Tess move further away from what we had, and deeper into poly, scares the fuck out of me, which is why I organized this little adventure, truth be told.

I figure living neck deep in Polyworld for three days will hopefully settle me down some and help me get a better grip on my new reality.

I find it humorous that the only thing I seem to be having trouble with is me.

Tess, her boyfriends, poly, and all of the changes are not what keeps tripping me up. It's how I feel and think that's at issue here. The good news is that I know what the problem is. What to do about it is another story. Oh well, this should be interesting.

On a side note, I met a very beautiful woman who I'm pretty sure could hurt me in ways I canna imagine, and who likes that sort of thing.

My life is really weird. Some of the people in it are just as odd, and frankly I'm happy to have them along for the ride. I like odd. I like different and strange. Which is a good thing, as I'm getting more then I could have imagined.


My apologies for the rambling.

Be well,
Freetime
 
Freetime said:
Broken ribs, hand, nose, cracked cheekbone, etc., and sometimes poly seems more painful then anything I can compare this to.
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Physical pain makes a lot more sense, I think. You can see and physically feel exactly what hurts. You also have a vague timeline of how long it will take to heal. Emotional pain doesn't work the same way. It will get better. It is early days yet, my friend. Take care.
 
Derbylicious said:
Physical pain makes a lot more sense, I think. You can see and physically feel exactly what hurts. You also have a vague timeline of how long it will take to heal. Emotional pain doesn't work the same way. It will get better. It is early days yet...
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Can't I take the express lane?
 
Hey FT,

I've been wondering how you have been doing. I see you are still on the rollercoaster. I have been, too.

I apologize for being absent from the forum. Wife and I were down in FL for vaca. Had a great relaxing time and really enjoyed each other's company. Lots of great discussions too.

We are still talking about taking the step to poly, but want to make sure we take baby steps. This weekend we are going to sit down and write out some rules and boundaries to follow. We are also going to review and possibly sign the poly contract. I will keep everyone posted as we progress. I'm still here, but moving at a snail's pace.

I am still really amazed and the thoughtfulness and kindness of everyone on this board. It has certainly helped me as I move forward.

Have a great weekend, FT, and everyone else!
 
Weekend of fun and frolicking, followed by...

The players:
Freetime, husband of Tess, boyfriend of Tilly
Tess, wife of Freetime, girlfriend of Mike
Mike, boyfriend of Tess, husband of Tilly
Tilly, wife of Mike, girlfriend of Freetime

The weekend was amazing. Tilly and Mike spent the weekend with us. I saw Harry Potter, the play Wicked, and two women having... a great deal of fun. (I'll leave it at that.) As a side note, being in love with both made it that much better. :)

Seeing Tess and Mike together all weekend caused me no grief, jealousy or fear. I saw them being passionate, loving each other and having a great time. I was happy for them, truly joyful that Tess was so in love and having fun.

Tess did break her toe though, and ended up in the hospital Saturday night, but Sunday still turned out to be a fantastic, amazing, awe-inspiring day.

We laughed, we talked, we connected. Mike and I got closer and much more comfortable with each other, which is an accomplishment in and of itself.

Tilly and I had many a bonding experience and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company. Walks, talks, kissing and laughing, it was a most enjoyable time.

Tess and I also had time alone, which was new for us. Normally when Tilly and Mike come over, we split into separate couples, and don't spend much time together. Being able to spend time with Tess as well really helped make the weekend perfect for me.

We had a few challenges, but those were the normal kind of relationship events you see when you start to spend more time together.

Thread edited by request.
 
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I'm not sure I understand. Are you upset, too? And why is it not also Tilly's responsibility to communicate these things with you? How did all of this fall on Mike?

It seems like a bump, but not a big one. Not worth throwing everything away over, unless there's more to it than this. :confused:
 
I think I would blow it off, and chalk it up to a bump in the road. With that, I would make it very clear that there is absolutely no reason to be secretive. Its not necessary. Perhaps they got caught up in thinking that their thrill of having other couples in their life was so great that they couldn't possibly be so open about it. Well, you can assure them that it's fine, and actually becomes NOT fine when they don't keep their agreement to tell you.
 
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