Primary partner denying sex after childbirth

Evie said:
Take another lover?
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I have other lovers. I have been resisting mentioning this, because to me it's not the point. Primary's first question when Hinge communicated to her that I was looking for clarity was 'Can't she just have sex with someone else?' and my response was, that's not the point.

But maybe it is. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe the point is that I'm asking Hinge to meet needs that he is stating clearly he can't meet, and my only choice, really, is to continue having them unmet, or to seek to have them met elsewhere.

That feels very scary to me. I have invested years in this relationship. So to say, 'It can't meet my needs, I must look elsewhere,' feels very heavy.
 
OP, I'm not sure if this was already mentioned somewhere, but when you say your partner is not allowed to "have sex" with you, what does that mean exactly? Does it mean just PIV/genital penetration, or all forms of sexual expression?
 
Hi PolyQ,

So what happens if the sexless situation between you and this partner goes on for a year? five years? fifty? What if it's permanent? How long are you willing to wait? What happens when you've waited that long? These are not rhetorical questions, it seems like you need time before you can switch over to a platonic relationship, but really isn't it already platonic? You may want to set a timetable for yourself and just inform this partner about the timetable. Just a thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Bobbi said:
This is the thing I’d have a problem with: him saying his choice is out of his control.
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This might seem like semantics, but I feel there is a different between saying the choice is outside his control (clearly it isn't-- this is the choice he is making) and saying he is making that choice in response to circumstances outside his control (the fact that Primary is making this request in this way).

One thing I'm still feeling into, in trying to be very honest with myself about what is going on, is whether or not I actually accept that the circumstances are out of his control.

Part of me wants to say: absolutely that is what Primary wants and she is being clear about it, and there is nothing Hinge can do about that, he can only make choices in response. And part of me (perhaps a more authentic, but less skilled part of me) wants to say: That's not fair, Primary shouldn't be doing that, and Hinge should be telling her that it's not okay.

And I guess the second option falls into the category of a Secondary trying to tell the Primary couple how to run their relationship, and that seems like the kind of thing that has a giant No sticker on it.
 
ref2018 said:
OP, I'm not sure if this was already mentioned somewhere, but when you say your partner is not allowed to "have sex" with you, what does that mean exactly? Does it mean just PIV/genital penetration, or all forms of sexual expression?
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No physical contact. We are allowed to see each other but not touch.
 
My question for this group is, drawing on the language and skillset of people experienced in working with poly dynamics generally, and hierarchical poly specifically, what other options do I have?
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From my POV? I think:
  • You choose to keep on waiting.
  • You choose to date him, but with no sex, a firm decision.
  • You choose to date him, but view him more like a "once-in-a-blue-moon-comet partner," and not like a secondary partner, like sex might still be on the table, but there will be very few and far between sexual encounters.
  • You part ways because this no longer works for you and you are tired of waiting.
    • Be plain exes only.
    • Be plain exes for a while and see if later, after healing, you can be exes and friends.
  • You do/do not get back together when child is older and Hinge is not in infant mode.
I don't know if there are any other options YOU can do/control/decide.

Sharing sex with other people is not the same as sharing sex with your HINGE.

No physical contact. We are allowed to see each other but not touch.
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Like not even hold hands? Hug? Kiss?

Part of me wants to say: absolutely that is what Primary wants and she is being clear about it and there is nothing Hinge can do about that. He can only make choices in response. And part of me (perhaps a more authentic, but less skilled part of me) wants to say: That's not fair, Primary shouldn't be doing that, Hinge should be telling her that it's not okay.
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Does it matter? The bottom line is the same: You aren't especially happy with your current circumstances.

Maybe the point is that I'm asking Hinge to meet needs that he is stating clearly he can't meet, and my only choice, really, is to continue having them unmet, or to seek to have them met elsewhere.

That feels very scary to me. I have invested years in this relationship and so to say, 'It can't meet my needs. I must look elsewhere,' feels very heavy.
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It kind of sounds like you are experiencing anticipatory grief. Are you?

Galagirl
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi PolyQ,

So what happens if the sexless situation between you and this partner goes on for a year? five years? fifty? What if it's permanent? How long are you willing to wait? What happens when you've waited that long? These are not rhetorical questions, it seems like you need time before you can switch over to a platonic relationship, but really isn't it already platonic? You may want to set a timetable for yourself and just inform this partner about the timetable. Just a thought.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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It has been a year. That, it turns out, was how long I was willing to wait. Now I have to do something else. I have to decide what that is.
 
So you know you don't want to be stuck in limbo forever. The time has come to branch off of the path you were on.

Your partner has very few options, and you have even fewer. You tell him you have waited long enough -- and then what?
 
PolyQ said:
No physical contact. We are allowed to see each other but not touch.
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Oh screw that. Sorry, but that's just bullshit. Not being able to hold hands, hug, kiss, dance, etc. - that's control freak level of cock blocking. No sex, okay, sometimes we just suck it up and go platonic. But no nothing? For an unknown amount of time? That's not respecting you and that's not loving behaviour towards you.
 
PolyQ said:
'Can't she just have sex with someone else?' and my response was: that's not the point.
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Exactly! You cannot get from someone else a need that is lacking from another partner. You could be having sex 5 times per day but you aren’t having sex with him. You need it from him. His sex is irreplaceable.

I learned this myself through a different, but similar, not getting sex from a partner situation. That’s when I ended our sexual relationship and it made a HUGE difference for me. That’s why I recommended that option. Me taking sex off the table also took off the stress, isolation and insecurity I felt about us not having sex.
 
Bobbi said:
Exactly! You cannot get from someone else a need that is lacking from another partner. You could be having sex 5 times per day but you aren’t having sex with him. You need it from him. His sex is irreplaceable.

I learned this myself through a different but similar, not getting sex from a partner, situation. That’s when I ended our sexual relationship and it made a HUGE difference for me. That’s why I recommended that option. Me taking sex off the table also took off the stress, isolation and insecurity I felt about us not having sex.
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I really hear that. Thank you for sharing 🙏
 
ref2018 said:
So she wants de facto monogamy.
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Yes and no. It is common ground that Hinge and I have an ongoing sexual relationship that is not currently physical.

But I have also said to Hinge that he and Primary need to decide whether what they actually want right now is to indefinitely be in a monogamous relationship (which is arguably in practice what she is asking of him), or if they want a different form of open relationship, without secondary partners (also a valid choice but not something I am willing to participate in) or, if they do want to practice hierarchical poly, to accept that that means creating space for conversations about how everyone's needs can be met, and that asking me, as a secondary, to accept that my needs will remain indefinitely unmet until they decide otherwise is not fair.
 
Exactly: it is not fair. What they're doing is not fair.
 
PolyQ said:
Yes and no - it is common ground that Hinge and I have an ongoing sexual relationship that is not currently physical.

And that to ask me as a secondary to accept that my needs will remain indefinitely unmet until they decide otherwise is not fair.
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It's totally fair for them to ask that. You get to decide if it's fair to yourself to agree to it.
 
PolyQ said:
To imagine everything that sits behind Hinge's decision as a black box
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Yes it's not realistic. It's cognitive dissonance.

"I've never been vetoed."

"Uh, yes you have,. You just chose not to understand you were, because you told your partner to frame it as his choice."
Bobbi said:
... him saying his choice is out of his control. He needs to accept that it is his choice.
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It is. He can't control when the wife will be ready. So he can't give an end date. His choice was to wait until wife was ready, which can't be predicted.
 
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PolyQ said:
I have other lovers. I have been resisting mentioning this because to me it's not the point. Primary's first question when Hinge communicated to her that I was looking for clarity was 'Can't she just have sex with someone else?' and my response was: that's not the point.

But maybe it is. 🤷‍♀️

Maybe the point is that I'm asking Hinge to meet needs that he is stating clearly he can't meet, and my only choice, really, is to continue having them unmet, or to seek to have them met elsewhere.

I have invested years in this relationship and so to say, 'It can't meet my needs. I must look elsewhere,' feels very scary.
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It's okay to need regular sexual intimacy with all partners.
 
Thanks everyone. This has been incredibly helpful.

Boiling it back down to the options, I think it really comes down to: be with him on the terms he is offering, or don't. I guess that's the choice we all have, always. 🤷‍♀️

Thank you for helping me see through the noise of uncertainty and other people to that basic truth.
 
I wish you'd have said this has gone on for a whole year at the beginning of this conversation! I was thinking it had been maybe 3 or 4 months. But since an entire year has gone by, it seems to me your Primary and Wife ARE probably already having sex (one would think), but Wife is feeling incredibly territorial for some reason, and doesn't want Hinge to have a physical relationship with you at all.

Does Hinge have other partners besides Wife? Is he having sex with them? (Probably not, just curious if Wife hates you specifically, for some reason.)

I also wish I would have known earlier that not only can't you have sex (whether PiV, or oral, or even kissing or hand stuff), but can't touch IN ANY WAY! Good grief. I would not want to date a man who agreed with his wife that he couldn't touch his girlfriend IN ANY WAY for an indefinite time period. That's just.... ew. Gross. Icky. She doesn't trust him to hold your hand or snuggle on the couch when you're watching TV? What the heck? Why not?

It makes me wonder just how controlling she's been all along, in your apparently long-term relationship!
 
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