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Samantha2021

New member
I am new to this concept - sort of. It was explored with swinging 20 years ago, which we found quite enticing, but left it due to careers and children. Now, my husband wants to have permission to have liaisons when he chooses. At this point, I do not wish the same for me, but allowing him this desire has created a closeness within us that is intoxicating. He is being so gentle and loving. He is taking complete care of my emotions, which is making me want him more. At this point, it is all just discussions. Will it change when it really happens? Am I fooling myself?
 
Greetings Samantha2021,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would hope that the closeness you are enjoying now would continue after you open your marriage, but I can't guarantee that. I think maybe the thing to do is open slowly, a little at a time, and take stock of the situation within your marriage as it evolves. If your husband starts to neglect you, well, you'll know then to stop. That's my opinion anyway.

Hope you'll enjoy your stay here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

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Welcome aboard!
 
Hi and welcome!

Are you two working on exactly the same definition of "liaisons"?

And I mean exactly, because almost everyone who reads your post will have a different nuance to the word. In that respect, it's kinda hard to answer your query.

Has your husband also done any research into open marriage or poly relationships and does he eventually wish to have a girlfriend, or would those liaisons be more like a friends with benefits thing? Perhaps he could intend the latter but it grows into the former...what then? Many people discover that the first toe in the ethical non monogamy waters can end up evolving into a lot more than was originally planned for. Each new adjustment along the way requires personal growth, and emotional growing pains are real.

Lastly, for now, how much do you want to know about his liaisons and how much would you respect the privacy of that other person?

See how there are waaaay more possible questions. Will he keep loving you in the way you are both enjoying right now? Again, it really cannot be predicted. No relationship comes with any guarantee.

Someone will hopefully be along with the recommended reading list soon, I'm just on mobile so it's a little harder to copy them from elsewhere.

All the best and I hope you and your husband are successful in opening up. It can be a wonderful way to live.
 
Hi, and welcome to the forum!

In addition to what @kdt26417 and @Evie have said, I also recommend this podcast by the Multiamory folks:

www.multiamory.com

Start Here — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com


I would also take your time in making the leap into this. It's a lot of information to take in and digest, so there really is no hurry. Besides. What is the saying? Poly in haste, repent at leisure. :)
 
Evie said:
Hi and welcome!

Are you two working on exactly the same definition of "liaisons"?

And I mean exactly, because almost everyone who reads your post will have a different nuance to the word. In that respect, it's kinda hard to answer your query.

Has your husband also done any research into open marriage or poly relationships and does he eventually wish to have a girlfriend, or would those liaisons be more like a friends with benefits thing? Perhaps he could intend the latter but it grows into the former...what then? Many people discover that the first toe in the ethical non monogamy waters can end up evolving into a lot more than was originally planned for. Each new adjustment along the way requires personal growth, and emotional growing pains are real.

Lastly, for now, how much do you want to know about his liaisons and how much would you respect the privacy of that other person?

See how there are waaaay more possible questions. Will he keep loving you in the way you are both enjoying right now? Again, it really cannot be predicted. No relationship comes with any guarantee.

Someone will hopefully be along with the recommended reading list soon, I'm just on mobile so it's a little harder to copy them from elsewhere.

All the best and I hope you and your husband are successful in opening up. It can be a wonderful way to live.
Click to expand...
Good morning,

Thank you!

At this point liaisons means a flirtatious hook-up without strings.
HaloOnFire said:
Hi, and welcome to the forum!

In addition to what @kdt26417 and @Evie have said, I also recommend this podcast by the Multiamory folks:

www.multiamory.com

Start Here — Multiamory

www.multiamory.com www.multiamory.com


I would also take your time in making the leap into this. It's a lot of information to take in and digest, so there really is no hurry. Besides. What is the saying? Poly in haste, repent at leisure. :)
Click to expand...
Good morning,

Thank you for the podcast and the quote. =)
 
Evie said:
Hi and welcome!

Are you two working on exactly the same definition of "liaisons"?

And I mean exactly, because almost everyone who reads your post will have a different nuance to the word. In that respect, it's kinda hard to answer your query.

Has your husband also done any research into open marriage or poly relationships and does he eventually wish to have a girlfriend, or would those liaisons be more like a friends with benefits thing? Perhaps he could intend the latter but it grows into the former...what then? Many people discover that the first toe in the ethical non monogamy waters can end up evolving into a lot more than was originally planned for. Each new adjustment along the way requires personal growth, and emotional growing pains are real.

Lastly, for now, how much do you want to know about his liaisons and how much would you respect the privacy of that other person?

See how there are waaaay more possible questions. Will he keep loving you in the way you are both enjoying right now? Again, it really cannot be predicted. No relationship comes with any guarantee.

Someone will hopefully be along with the recommended reading list soon, I'm just on mobile so it's a little harder to copy them from elsewhere.

All the best and I hope you and your husband are successful in opening up. It can be a wonderful way to live.
Click to expand...
Good morning,

Thank you! You have given me a lot to think about. Here is some more background information.

At this point, liaisons means a flirtatious hook-up without strings.

My husband has done a lot of research into polyamory. I've read a book he recommended back in February.

Growing pains are real. It is important to note that this concept is coming off the heels of some emotional euphoria and turmoil we have experienced in the last 10 months. A threesome (never happened) with my good friend was brought up last fall, which somehow morphed into wanting a "2nd wife" by January, in which I was to have a sexual/emotional relationship with this person as well, but I could not do that because although having sex with another female is doable, I do not have the emotional attraction to females needed for an emotional/sexual type of relationship. The threesome and the polyamorous relationship never materialized because he said that if I wasn't going to be a part of it then he did not want to do that because he loves me and would feel this would be wrong. As this was polyamorous idea was being discussed amongst the two of us, we were also in counseling to help me adjust to the idea. I kept feeling something was not right, which I mentioned to both my therapist and husband. I did not feel I was getting the whole truth from him, but he kept denying there was something else. He stopped seeing the counselor in early April, and I stopped in mid-May. In late June, I discovered that something else was going on. He had been seeing escorts since January (before I knew about the polyamorous desire) at least once a month. One of those times, I knew about because when he suggested the polyamorous idea, I suggested (never knowing he had already been seeing someone) him seeing an escort because I wanted to see if him sleeping with someone else triggered an emotional melt-down. He told me when he was going and when he was finished. I saw the email exchange between them. It did not create an emotional breakdown because I truly could just think of it as "just sex". Do I like the idea? No, but I also know you can have sexual desires and still be madly in-love with your significant other. You just have to adjust the jealousy issues. The last 10 months have been painful (at times) for me because he would treat me so lovingly and then just NOT. I thought I was going insane and he let me feel that way to cover his infidelities. BUT, now here we are, less than two weeks after I found out, discussing his ability to be able to have liaisons. It seems very surreal. He truly sounds and feels like the man I have missed. As stated, we were swingers when got married. We met at a strip-club; we are not unfamiliar with sexuality. I always felt how deeply he loved me - I guess because there were no lies at the time. But, due to the lies: his affair ten years ago, the desire to be with someone else to the point you want a "2nd wife", the escorts I do not trust this new found love place too much EXCEPT for the fact he gets to be who he was without lying to me. It makes him feel closer to me. I do appreciate this so much. I do not want to lose it.

We are writing a contract to help process these thoughts.
 
I'm really glad you were honest about not wanting to try and be in a relationship with the same other person as your husband. Aiming for that set up tends to not be a great start. You could be friends with them and have a "kitchen table poly" setup, but generally it's better to at least start with keeping relationships separate. He'd be the hinge and neither you or her would feel pressured to "like like" someone they just aren't that into.

But for now, you're just talking about NSA sex, a fuck buddy if you will. (Although there's always the possibility this could morph with familiarity, human beings have the potential to develop feelings for someone they repeatedly have sex with).

Or keep it at the escorts, they're extremely highly unlikely to become more than a service provider.

All the best with the next step.
 
Welcome. Thanks for more info.

I'd tread with caution now that you gave more background.

Let me try to sum up what I understand in my own words. You correct me if I get it wrong, ok? Blue just to visually block it off.

Early 2000s to 2011 ish.
  • You were a swinger.
  • DH was a swinger.
  • You met at a strip club.
  • You eventually got married. Then with kids and careers, you both stopped swinging.
  • During this time you felt deeply loved.
  • During this time there were no lies from DH.
2011 ish somewhere.
  • DH has an affair.
  • Lies begin.
  • You feel hurt when you discover this.
  • (There may/may not have been other affairs apart from the escorts.)
Oct 2020 to Present Day = Lots Turmoil.
  • Sometimes DH would treat you lovingly in the last 10 mos, and other times just NOT.
    • You thought you were going insane
    • He let you feel that way to cover his infidelities.
  • You recently discovered all the lies 2 weeks ago. Now he wants NSA casual sex.

  • Here is the detailed version.
Somewhere but no date​
  • DH does lots of research on polyamory.
Oct 2020​
  • DH wanted to do a threesome with your friend that would become a poly relationship with him, her, and you. It never came to pass.
Jan 2021​
  • DH secretly starts seeing escorts.
  • DH brings up the poly idea.
  • You suggest he see an escort (not knowing he already was) because you want to know if him sleeping with someone else would trigger an emotional melt-down.
    • He goes to see escort.
    • You don't love it, but you find you don't melt down. You thought it would be the one time.
      • Instead, DH secretly keeps seeing escorts regularly once a month.
  • DH says he wants a "2nd wife" and you are supposed to have an emotional/sexual involvement with this 2nd wife also.
    • You decline. You can share casual sex with a woman like a one off, but you can't deal with a GF.
    • DH says he is giving up on the 2nd Wife idea because he doesn't want to do it if you aren't involved with the other wife too.
Feb 2021​
  • You read a poly book DH suggested
​
Feb or March 2021 (??)​
  • DH and you start counseling to help you better adjust to the poly idea because turns out he still wants to do poly
    • (Why poly? Rather than swinging? )
    • You get the vibe he isn't being totally honest about something. You ask.
      • He says he IS being honest.
        • Actually he is lying.
April 2021​
  • DH quits counseling. (Why?)
May 2021​
  • You quit counseling. (Why?)
Middle of June 2021 ​
  • Two weeks ago, you found out that he's been lying and letting you feel like you are going crazy all this time to hide his infidelities.
  • You are mad. (??)
July 5, 2021​
  • DH now wants the ability to have liaisons with your consent -- basically no strings attached casual sex.
  • DH is treating you nicely right now while you two are discussing this option.
    • You appreciate the nice treatment. (But don't entirely trust it? Like he's buttering you up to get his way?)
  • You appreciate him being himself around you without the lying
    • He says feels closer to you that way
    • You appreciate truthfulness and would like this part to stay. You don't want more lies.
    • You aren't sure this "new him" matches what you want from marriage/romance/casual sex.
      • He wants .... Swinging? Casual NSA sex? Escorts? Polyamory up to and including having a 2nd wife?
      • You want.... No lies. To be treated nicely. What else?

So much of this post is about DH and what he wants. And whether or not he was being sneaky and lying or if he being honest and forthright about it.

I'm concerned you are getting lost in the forest here. What do YOU want?

I'm worried you are going to say "ok" to whatever he suggests just because he's being nice to you right now and/or because just you want the lies and things to stop. Not because you esp want to do swinging, open, or poly marriage.

Apart from DH being honest with you and not lying to you any more.... what do YOU actually want from a marriage? Romance? A spouse person? And does DH still make the cut? Or does he not meet your personal standards any more?

I think that's the heart of it right there. I would not agree to change anything til you have a chance to REALLY reflect on that.

Sometimes people grow apart.

allowing him this desire has created a closeness within us that is intoxicating. He is being so gentle and loving. He is taking complete care of my emotions, which is making me want him more. At this point, it is all just discussions. Will it change when it really happens? Am I fooling myself?
Click to expand...

I could be wrong, but to me it sounds like you enjoy being treated nice. I wonder why this isn't the general standard in your marriage? He can't be nice to you all the time? Why not?

Sounds like you also don't totally trust his being nice to you. You sound like you are wondering "Is this for real then? Or is he just buttering me up to get his way and then he goes back to treating me poorly once he has it?"

I'm not hearing much work on asking forgiveness, healing, making amends. Even at the counseling? He wasn't being fully present with a goal of trying to heal things with you. Sounds like he was mostly clocking time there to get you to do want he wanted -- for you to agree to do poly.

I could be wrong in my impression but this whole thing sounds really messy. :(

Ethical non-monogamy and ethical polyamory can be lovely ways to be and live... provided the participants all consent and can be trusted. I don't know if you have that here. The ethics sound wonky.

Galagirl
 
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Re (from Evie):
"Someone will hopefully be along with the recommended reading list soon, I'm just on mobile so it's a little harder to copy them from elsewhere."
Click to expand...

Here's a recommended reading list:
Check out any that call to you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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