Sailing Solo

Mr Lime has booked himself a one week vacation with the new GF. I feel quite hurt and rejected. I tried to get him to go to anywhere but his "go to" vacation spot and he refused. He is going to one of my vacation idea spots with the new GF. He is also going in my last block of time that I had without my kids. He apologized that he got the dates mixed up ( I had put them on the google calendar that he asked me to set up ) and tried to explain the reasoning for the new spot. The up-shot is...he didn't want to travel with me and I have to accept that and process the emotions. Stupid emotions.

According to my therapist I am very disconnected from my emotions and need to work a bit more on processing through them and not ignoring them to just " get on with it".

The past couple of months with Mr Lime have been disconnected. We barely saw each other for nearly a month while he was NREing and Sushi Syndroming. We did just spend the 4th together, one night last weekend, and he wants to come and see me before I leave on my vacation so things are little better.

I am really quite jealous over his holiday even though I am heading off with Prof for nearly 3 weeks. Mostly because he kept refusing to go anywhere but his favorite place and is now going elsewhere. I really wouldn't have cared if a) it wasn't in my last kid free time for the year and b) if he was taking her to his favorite spot, because really I don't have any interest in going back there. And I should add there is no way I could afford to do another trip this year. So yes, I feel snippy and irritated because there are many ways it could have worked out that I really would have been fine with. He did apologize for both the timing and the going to of a new place but also pointed out that we were not in a good place when he planned it.

Things with Prof are fine, and fine is a good place to be.

I went on a Tinder date last week with a very nice man who was about 5 inches shorter than me and overall very small. The two times when we both stood it up felt weird. He was shorter than my oldest kid. He didn't put his height on Tinder and I get why, but my height is on mine. It did feel like quite the waste of time.

I have since deleted Tinder and will focus on the two half relationships that I have.

I would be quite happy with two halves if Mr Lime could settle into it. The whole dealing with a poly newbie situation is unsettling. I am probably his post-divorce bridge person. He still hasn't filed yet. But damn if this doesn't bring out my competitive side.

And I have been having sex with 2 different people in the same day. That is something that I really enjoy doing so there are still some upsides all of this.
 
(Pardon - what is "Sushi Syndrome"? Google has failed me!)
 
When a partner refuses to do or try something, like try sushi.
They hate fish, hate the idea of raw fish, don't ever want to go into a sushi restaurant ever even if it is your birthday and you have given up asking because they make retching sounds anytime you mention it.

Then they meet someone new who likes sushi, and suddenly they are all into sushi, and did you know they have a little plates, and some place serve the plates on a train, and you pick what you want! And so and so and I love this new sushi place and new person and I are going to try all these sushi places.

This is Mr Lime and traveling anywhere outside his one and only vacation destination place. Now he is going to one of the places I suggested as an alternative to his one and only spot.

NRE and newbie poly. Ugh.
 
So trip plans are as good as they are going to get. I have a few more things to do tomorrow but my house is almost Airbnb clean for Mr Lime plus kids to stay.

I do this rampant cleaning any time I plan to go away for a while. Someone has a key and is going come in but this is the form time I have people going to stay so I am going super nuts.

Mr Limes kids had a quick peek a couple of weeks ago and said the rooms are already clean than theirs at home so that is good, I have also been boxing up as I have been painting my kids rooms so it looks almost hotel like. Mr Lime says not to worry but I take some pride in having things look clean and organized for guests.

In an effort to not be doing nothing but cleaning and painting whilst my kids are kids are with their dad, and while Mr Lime is on his vacation with GF, I am looking at going to staying with my retired colleague who lives many miles away.

He retired last year from my previous job. We always had a hilarious banter and people in meetings would look at us and say WTF? The two most reserved people would be blasting crap across the table at the most ridiculous points. Super, super low key. There is no fun in being obvious. He is about 20 years older than me and I absolutely adore him. He never married and has no kids. I have no idea if he is gay because I have no gay-dar and don't fuck a shit if he is. He is that level of hysterically funny if you have the wit to pick up on it. He is beyond super smart and I have missed him this past year though we text fairly regularly.
I think I will have enough airmails plus a little cash to make the trip happen. We will do stupid tourist and drink and gossip for the rest of the time.

My heart and soul exists to travel. I am experiential person. I don't really give a shit about " Stuff". stuff is just stuff.

You read about deathbed messages and quotes. People say they wish they had worked less. cleaned less, spent more time with the people that matter... well, I want to die thinking that I did went to all kinds of places and meet all kinds people and saw all kinds of parts of the planet. I would also like my kids to think my mum did pretty good and this is the kind of parent I want to be.

But fuck I love getting on a plane, train or automobile and getting out there.

So the second trip would be for me. Not Prof and business meetings, not family and grandparents and sibling and cousins, this would be mine. Lions and tigers and bear , Oh my! Actually it would be buffalo on plains. Imagine! Wild wondering herds of buffalo. for fuck sake.

On a plane tomorrow to do ancient and aged with my kids who might get it this time. Humanitty is old but the planet is waaaaaaaaaay older.

Ps. Good Omens in Amazon Prime is worth a look. I love Sir Terry's writing ( heart broke a little when he died ) and David Tennent ( second best doctor after Tom Baker).

I am far more Azirapheal than Crowley, though I wish to be more Crowley.
 
Things are fine. Vacation went super well. Prof and I did a side trip for 4 nights and get he got a bit of a home country eye-opening! We did some GoT stops, he is not into at all but I enjoyed seeing some of the locations for real.

Mr Lime is heading off on his trip at the end of this week, to try and work out what he wants to do regarding poly/mono her and or me. I have told him I am not willing to be friends. I have no sexual interest in my male friends and there is no way I can turn off my perving over Mr. Lime. I told him that I have have a strong sexual attraction for him and that is not what friends is about for me.

I am still kinda sorta contemplating me pulling the trigger on the relationship but I am curious to see what his decision is and if we can find a middle ground. I really do think he is going to try mono with Ms Cowgirl but he insists he has not decided and wants to the trip before making any decisions. I wonder if she will find the odd sleep patterns irritating. Dating someone who has to nap every afternoon or they turn into a even grumpier meltdown might be a challenge when there are sights to see. He also tend to sleep around 8:30pm. That will be hilarious with the time difference. Bitchy and jealous???? Me????? Nooooo:D:D:D
I do find him a bit grumpy even on a good day and not ever terribly passionate or excited about anything. The sex is mostly fine but I would not want to commit to having him as my only lover. He has a really great body and he loves that I love it but there needs to be a bit more than just that.

I had 2 OLD meet-ups in the past week. The first was in a poly relationship. He was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but had some interesting thoughts on power in poly relationships. The second lives in the wrong direction, his ex-wife is still living with him and I simply didn't find him physically or mentally interesting. He talked "at" me for most of our walk. I might do a bit more OLD when the kids go to their dad for a week. I really need to not swipe on those living in the wrong direction s my lease car can't take any extra miles.

Other stuff; I am painting the kids bedrooms. I have 2 walls left to go and then touch up the trim in the whole house. I am listening to audio books to keep myself entertained. Also, working on losing some weight. Middle-age keeps spreading!
 
I was laying in bed this morning thinking about Mr Lime heading off on his vacation with Ms Cowgirl and thinking I was quite glad not to be going anywhere with him for a week. That was a bit of a realization. Prof is very easy to travel with. He let's me come up with things to do and also has some of his own ideas. We are happy to spend quality time apart when traveling. We had a couple of times on our recent trip where we both went off to do our own thing that the other one wasn't to interested in but also we both agree that not being together 24/7 is healthy. Prof and I have been good travel partners for over 6 years. He says I am the easiest person he has ever dated to travel with as long as I am not expected to be chatty when I first wake up :)

Mr Lime can be hard work. His sleep pattern is odd, he can be rude to service people without any reason to be, he does not get excited about much. He could also do a bit better with being on top of nose hairs.

It was good to think over what my sleepy brain came up with although I have been thinking it over in the day time too. One full week with him would be too much. I am pretty settled with the idea of keeping him as a casual partner but not much more than that. As I said before, I think he is likely to break up with me once he gets back from his trip and I am quite ok with that now. There is no way I want to go mono with him and no way I want him to be semi-permanent resident in my house.

I did a bit of intoxicated texting ( thank goodness it was pretty short and not a big rant ) the other night and told him again that I would not be doing the friends thing with him. He keeps saying we will be friends whatever happens. Ummm no.
I don't want to have sex with my male friends.
 
Not sex not poly amory related.

I had to put my baby to sleep a week ago. not-one seems awake at this time so I will write.
She was soooooooo terribly annoying. She lost her original shelter adoption name and became Peepers. She loved an open closet, an open bag an open drawer. it was annoying. And she looked to lick plastic bags. from a behavioral persepcect it would appear to be boredom, but the patio door was open a lot and she had many hour where she could go outside.

I am not used to grief. I had no idea to would keep popping out. Like, once you cry your outs shouldn't;t it be done? Why isn't it done?

My older cat is over 18. I thought she would go first and prepared for her to go first and had dream of the baby living beywong my oldest going to college.

Well, she went first. she was 14 years old. She shouldn't have gone first. She was a rescue shelter kitten and random wild mixes are supposed to live forever. My older was cat was recently classified by the vet as an "exotic". Fuck for reel.

I got my first cat because I thought I could never have children. At that point I loathed cats. My neighbors cat used to come and visit and over time I got her used to her. An Australian Burmese. Her name was Kali.
So I thought to myself, I can tolerate an Australian Burmese. At that time I had no idea of animal shelters and homeless kittens. So I decided to find myself an Australian Burmese. And I did. It took a while a phone calls but I ended up communicating with a breeder who needed to dump the kittens fast as she had taken in her grandson who was allergic to cats. Again, I had no idea of homeless pets and how adopt a pet, so I drove with me a friend and hour and a half each way, looked at the kittens and picked the most exuberant kitten of the bunch. I ended up with a pure bred Burmese. $250 Australian dollars. I had no idea what I was doing apart from I need baby.
Well,
I fed that cat chicken necks, and kangaroo meat, and all the other stuff the breeder recommended. Can you imagine kangaroo meat being the best option? I absolutely believe in using the indigenous food sources as the best option. So that is what cat #1 ate.

We moved to the USA. I took about 1.5 years of immigration forms for her and me. She was supremely demanding.

We moved to the USA. Cat 1 would literally savage me at ever available opportunity. She destroyed the roaches and spiders in Australia. I would find dead biddies all over the place. dead I can deal with . Crawling and scuttling and wimbling is terrifying. Google Hunstman spiders. trust me, dead ones you can deal with, limb waving lives ones are terrifying.

So we we came to America, despite a semi-outdooor life she was shredding my limbs at any opportunity. I have cars on ly legs and arms to shape how angry she was. So I got cat #2.At a shelter. My gorgeous calico baby. this was 2005. I had pretty much accepter I wasn't going to have human kids and fur babies was going to be it.
 
I got a text from Mr Lime this morning asking me for my opinion of the place is on vacation. I did very well and did not reply with, "The place I wanted to go with you but you refused and said you only ever go to this one place? That place?????" How about you don't rub salt into this open wound?"
I actually replied that it was a sunny day here today and a bit windy and totally side-stepped the question. Fingers crossed he gets the hint and won't be sending me any pics or requesting ideas for things to do and see. I am definitely a touch salty about the whole situation but I really wouldn't trade the fabulous trip that I just had for a week with him. I will try to keep that thought to the fore when I am feeling pissy and jealous.

I had a good night Prof yesterday. We went out with some of his friends and then made pizza and chatted. Very nice people.

Sex with Prof has been really good recently. I set things up for a little BD play and he went along with it. It has been quite some time since we did any real BD play with a scene. But I very much enjoyed taking a small step on the path. I think the trick is for me to just set up little things. There is no particular reason we are not BD play. I think life gets busy and setting up a scene takes time and effort. So maybe doing the packed lunch version of BD and not the 4 course meal version means more actual action.
 
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I have lost my patience in one way with Mr Lime. His texting has been very sporadic ( he has a good signal, he is not camping in the outback ) and he keeps throwing out vacation updates despite my obviously not asking for them and not giving any feedback on them either. Probably why he is not texting much ;)

I asked him this morning for some kind of update on which way the fat lady is swinging. He ignored my request and gave me a vacation update. I ignored his update and gave him an A) friends or B) romantic and sexual.

I really have no idea why he won't pull the trigger. At this point I don't really give a toss either way what decides I would just appreciate a decision. I could pull the trigger myself but that does feel very unkind while he is on vacation and I would like to keep having sex with him.

I know that texting a polite demand is more likely to push him away at this point, but the sex is not so mind blowing that it will be a huge loss.

I have therapy tonight an the kids are away so it is a good day for me to process through any sadness or other emotions that come up. Yup therapy and emotions. I have 5 that emotions I can recognize now if I think hard about it; happy, compassionate, sad, rejected, and angry.
 
Therapist me advised to back away from entirely from text chit chat as it was only causing me pain and to let Mr Lime know I would be willing to reconnect once he had finished processing. There is no deadline or any more pushing for answer A or answer B. Either he approaches me with some sense of relationship idea or he does not. But I will not be chasing him for a yeah or nay as it will not be an enthusiastic yeah or nay but one coming from a place of being forced. We talked through the downsides of forcing answers. You either end up with someone who didn't really want to break up and will likely keep looking for contact openings or a not terribly enthusiastic yeah which is actually worse ( for me ). I feel good and settled about this.
Mr Lime did contact me to say he was experiencing "emotions" over my texts but there was no actual content about talking or meeting or what the emotions actually are,

I have not replied as it falls under the "chit chat" umbrella. When he says he is finished with processing I am willing to talk. He may never be finished so I am moving on with my life and looking forward to maybe dating a bit.
 
Mr Lime called it quits yesterday. I didn't want to speak to him so it was very simply done by text. He asked to be friends and I said no.
I am mostly relieved. He was so rude to my best friend that I don't think I would put them in the same room together again.
I don't think there needs to be much processing over this. I saw him for about 4 hours in the last 6 weeks and not much before that. I don't think I slept with him after July 4th.
I am messing a little with OLD. I will stick to my boundaries of no poly newbies and no-one with a nesting partner.
 
Mr Lime wants to talk. I have asked him very clearly a couple of times about what exactly it is that he needs to discuss. He gives vague answers about data, and our futures intersecting and no need to close doors. I told him he comes up with some very specific talking points that I will speak to him. It sounds like he wants to keep me on the back burner while he sees what happens with Ms Cowgirl.

My therapist predicted this. She says he will be very reluctant to actually let me go and even if he did/does go with Ms CG that he will try to keep in contact with me. Therefore the whole "friends" bit.

I do want to maintain a relationship with him, but mostly one that involves sex. So while FWB works, "friends" does not.

I have an OLD date set up for next weekend. Mr Dom suggests that I just get out there and do some serial dating. :D
 
Coming from a place of clarity with wants and needs certainly changes up the negotiations. I stood my ground and we will see what happens.
I'll try and hit just the key points.
Mr Lime wants a primary relationship where the couple has sexual encounters with other people together.
Me: No. I won't be your add on.
Mr Lime wants to see/date both of us and wants to "do things with me ( activities )and bang".
Me: Does that involve overnights, weekends and vacations?
Mr Lime: Yes
Me: I am open to equity.
Mr Lime: Can you wait 1 month while Ms. CG and I work some things out?
Me: No. I gave you almost 2 months and am not willing to wait any more. You work out that relationship in your time and make time for our relationship. Work out what that looks like for you and get back to me.

it was not quite as hard ass at the above sounds but it was a little hard ass :D
I mostly kept saying" What do YOU want?" because I was very sure what I am willing and not willing to do.

I picked up that he is missing activities and some kinky sex and me! There is an event on in town ( I actually planned to go myself next weekend but it is this weekend, oops ). He said he really wanted to go with me. Yes Mr Lime! Because I am really quite a fun person to do things with.

He said he had to see where things go with Ms CG because she was willing to commit to him "instantly" whereas I was not. No red flags there Mr Lime but I kept my mouth shut.

it was very interesting to mostly keep quiet and let him fudge on through ideas and suggestions. I do try terribly hard to fix things but in this case I had already let go of our relationship so had nothing to lose by sticking to my guns and I listened. I didn't offer fixes or suggestions but just let him work with my Yes and No.

He expressed concern that at the end of 4 weeks he would end up with neither me or Ms CG. I asked him why that concern. He replied that he he thought I wouldn't want to be the rebound or kind of second choice. I told him that I would not feel that way and was actually glad he was dating because for a long time I felt 'I' was his marriage rebound or bridge and that held me back. I felt he needed to go explore life post-telling-the-kids and admitting the marriage was finally over before getting into another relationship.

I made no demands and gave no ultimatums. Just stated what I was willing to do and not willing to do. He said that being the hinge is very hard and his past experience had been nothing but the experience of being the "add-on". Yup. Do or do not.

I have not texted today since the conversation. Either he speaks up and works out a plan that we see each other in the next 4 weeks, or he does not. And if he does not then I am fine to let it go. In fact, I will firmly pull the trigger. I am not willing to do friends or be flexible and give more processing space and observe from the sidelines any more. He needs to lean into a relationship with me or be done.

And yes, I know I did not throw my heart, soul, and mind into being with him from day#1. He is a difficult human being. But I am not that insta-love person and I will not be at this age. I am the slow and steady wins the race. I don't want anyone to move in with me. I don't want 24/7. I want to have more than one significant partner in my life if there is that opportunity. For today, and hopefully tomorrow and maybe even the next day, I have clarity. I desire for the clarity continue but one day at a time. ;)

Let's see what he does.
 
I texted Mr Lime about meeting after work on Thursday for a couple of hours and he says it is too soon. I said I will leave it up to him to make a suggestion.He replied, "Thank you."
It felt like ages since we talked on Sunday but it has actually only been 2 days. oops.I should have left it a bit longer. Oh well. I am a scheduling nut and had a few open hours so...

Prof has been outstanding with the taking care of the kids and taking them to back to school orientation over the past couple of days. We all stayed with him last night to cut down on the driving back and forth. All is good there.
 
I am feeling quite settled and calm in regards to Mr Lime. I fully intend to not initiate any kind of contact now I am clear on where we are, and kind of not, at.

I do keep mentally replaying the part where he said he wants to doooooo things with me. I always thought he found my activities a bit silly at times. And often they are! But I want to be with someone who enjoys silly stuff too. Life is so serious as it is.
 
Mr Lime and I met for an hour walk and I gave him a little birthday gift. I initiated meeting. I wanted to see if I was still interested. He is just so flat. There is never much show of excitement or energy. He did text me after and said he had a " most pleasant" time. Which is our joke. It means he had as good of a time as he ever does.
I asked him he wanted to meet again soon, all cheery and chipper, and he gave a flat " there are issues," response. I smiled, gave him a little kiss and left.

I will now back away entirely. He needs to sort whatever is going on and if we meet up after we do, and if we don't... I won't be chasing him down.

I am doing a little chatting on Bumble. No plans to meet anyone at this point.
 
Mr Lime has been the only one initiating any chat. I have been responding in a timely manner with short replies. The ball is in his court and I'm happy to let it stay there. I am mostly curious about what will happen with Ms CW.

OLD has been very quiet. Someone popped up that I was chatting few a couple of weeks ago. He went out of town and I didn't bother asking if he was back. I am definitely playing it all a bit cooler. :)
 
OLD person works every weekend in retail. So rather than pretzel myself to make a meeting work, I let him know that schedules wouldn't align. Plus, I get the vibe that he is maybe not at quite the education level I am at. My therapist told me to filter better. So, I filtered.

I had a good chat with Mr Lime on my drive home from work tonight. He is still kind of waiting for Ms CG to work stuff out. He gave me a lot more details today about what is going on and I think he is nuts. But I didn't say that. He says he has been thinking a lot about a future with me and what that would look like. Hsi vision was something I could work with, it doesn't involve living together 24/7/365. The poly aspect would be a little open, but not poly open.

Why am I even contemplating this? I got into an exchange with Prof on Wednesday. I asked him about working on scheduling, we currently are not seeing other very much and he launched into a story about a party ( yet another one that I was not invited to ) and how Ms Cherry didn't want to talk to talk to one of his ex-partners that was there and how told the ex-partner not to try to interact with Ms Cherry at all because she is so sensitive. I was like, "What are you telling me?" There was no part of the conversation that invited Ms Cherry stories. It was supposed to be about making time to schedule!

I thought we had established many times before that I don't want names and particularly don't want to hear about Ms Cherry's denial that Prof has another relationship. He totally did it on purpose and I totally took the bait. I call them "Ms Cherry Bombs" because in my head she is Ms Cherry and I am saying that to myself when I insert her actual name. Quit dropping Ms Cherry bombs when I did not ask and it was in no way a discussion about other partners! I get that he enjoys me a his "grounding and stable" partner but damn it hurts to be excluded from so much. As I think as I type, maybe he has a lot of stuff planned with Ms Cherry coming. I don't know. It felt utterly random. Like Ms Text, I think she is trying to wait outing drive off all the partners until she is left with a monogamous Prof. Well, Ms Cherry, that tactic just does not work. Prof likes him a pretty lady.

It feels like Ms Text all over again. Prof won't change. He likes drama women and just can't take me getting occasionally irritated as I am supposed to be the level one. He seems to enjoy the drama relationships with tons of rules and regulations. Ugh. Do what you like but quit spilling it onto me!

Maybe it is time to do a stable nesting thing with mutual permission for the occasional daliance.

Give me a day or so and I'll be all calm about him again. But I am currently in the mode that I am might be better of with someone more stable.
 
I was lying in bed last night thinking of Prof and the parties. I remember a time earlier in the year where I saw him and he was talking about the party at his house earlier in the week. I reminded him that I was there. There were 4 of us. To me, that is not a party, that is "some friends popped over". I define a party as something planned at least a couple of weeks out and more than 6 people?
His birthday this year ends with a 0 and I am wondering how much of the celebration I will be invited to participate in. And no, I don't really like parties. I struggle to stay up late and am crap at small talk. But for a 0 birthday I would.
 
Still not quite broken up with Mr Lime. He said he didn't have the time or energy for 2 committed relationships and was going to focus on Ms CG. I said that's fine, I understand. He says he doesn't see Ms CG as a long term prospect but feels like he has to work it through. He then said tha the still wants to see me and hang out and chat and talk. I stuck to my guns and replied that I am not willing to do that. I would be open to him and I meeting up a minimum of twice a month for sex and whatever.

He insists he still sees me as a long term prospect but is concerned that if he broke up with Ms CG and focused on me then I might change my mind and he'd be left with no-one. He says he and Ms CG have a lot of issues and "fundamentally different perspectives." What like, she wants to live with her husband, see her other boyfriend but doesn't want you to see me?????? I didn't say that. And he's right. I might change my mind. He really can be such a grumpy pants stuck-in-the-mud. So 2 nights per month with some hard fucking and lots of margaritas is just fine with me.

I really don't see Ms CG agreeing to it. I anticipate that he will have to tell me "no" at the beginning of next week.

And tonight I had a blast from the past. I was at back-to-school night and texted Eeyore ( unflattering nickname to be sure ) to see if he was there. His quite amazing response was, "too funny, I was literally thinking about you this second." He is across the planet. I asked where, he said here, I said OMG I used to live near there and XXXX was my favorite bar where we all went after work. He then sent me a pic of said bar and said his hotel is right next to it. I haven't been there is 20 something years and he was right next to it! He promised to pick me up a packet of my favorite, from there, chocolate snack. So looks like we will be meeting when he gets back to town. Eeyore is another quite miserable type person but the sex was good.

Prof and I talked about the argument from last week with a few tips from my therapist. Damn but she is good. His slightly weird angle was that Ms Cherry needs a lot of protecting, she has physical issues and needs a lot of emotional support whereas I am independent, have my career, home, and parenting all under control and don't need protecting! Ummmm not ok.

I can very much deal with discussing other partners under certain circumstances, that not-circumstance being when I am being open and vulnerable. That is not the moment to blast me with " other person is sooo needy and gets so upset and she wants to be primary and doesn't want me to have any other partners."

Aaaaand back to Mr Lime.

Maybe I need to be a needy drama bitch to have relationship success.

I do have some relationship clarity. And that is; I am fine with partners having other partners. I can't do 24/7. I don't want to hear about your other, supposedly poly, partner wishing I would disappear.

My remaining cat is losing weight. Her particular breed is renowned for being stocky. Even though she was considerably smaller in stature than my other cat, the other always weighed a lot less. She is 18.5 years old. Her kidneys are going. They have been slowly going for a while but tonight I looked at her and couldn't deny the weight loss. Yes, she is on the expensive kidney food and kidney meds and has been for a while. She better make it through till next year. I can't lose both of them in one year. I don't think she will make it. That's a tough thing to
write. She was my baby when I thought I could never have children. I might have problems with going all committed with human males, but for my family there is never a doubt or question about my absolute pouring out of heart.
 
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