The Blog of the Mono Wife

ak2381 said:
Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped. I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?

I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.

I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.;)
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ak - you are an amazing woman! Knowing your story and the things you have gone through - and hearing how you sound tonight is awesome! You and I have very similar stories (minus the cheating) and it helps me more than you know to hear that it is possible to get to a good place. Do you still struggle? Yes. Do you let it destroy you? No. The way that you are able to reach out to J and really be friends is motivational. It does help that you were friends prior to this - but the strength you have shown by forgiving her and trusting her again is amazing!

As far as getting a flirtatious comment tonight at the gym - woooohoooo! I bet that felt great! I can't remember the last time I had anyone, other than my DH give me a flirtatious comment. I'm sure that put a little spring in your step tonight and helped you feel confident while he is out with her.

MG and DH went out for the day - and I was ok. A little jealous - because him and I don't get that quality alone time that they get. When we are together we always have the kids with us. We don't get 5-6 hours of time alone to go out and do things together. Alot of our conversations are done via texts. So yes, I do get jealous about that. But I'm trying not to....

Enjoy your husband when he comes home to you! ;)
 
You're braver than I feel I could be

I admire your fortitude but struggle to imagine being conscious of the moment my spouse is having sex with someone that's not me.

Last night my wife said that having seen the effect her desire to continue to have sexual relationships with other guys is having on me (basically I'm consumed with guilt, jealousy, passion, I'm drinking too much, can't concentrate at work, irritable with the kids... shall I go on?), that she's prepared to abandon the idea.

But I'm not convinced that's what I want, as I will constantly be suspicious of whether she's actually cheating on me again.

So, do I want to give her the opportunity to live out her desires? Can we chart a more neutral course and try swinging together? Or do I take her word for it and try to rebuild my trust in her?

Lots of questions, few answers. I've started a blog to help me express what I'm feeling and review how my sentiments evolve. http://upsidealreves.blogspot.com/
 
Merging into compersion

With all the talking about compersion lately I sat down to some serious self evaluation this weekend. Originally, when DH and I started with this poly lifestyle about three months ago I put out a bunch of rules so that I could feel safe and secure. I mentioned this on a previous blog how I asked that he give me a couple days notice before he goes over to J's so that I can make sure I am in a good place. Through much thinking and consideration as to how I am doing with accepting all of this I decided yesterday it was time to get rid of that rule. They can't always do that. Sometimes they need some unexpected time together. And I feel I am ready to make the next step in all of this of not needing so much time before hand to be ready for them to be together. Sometimes you can't predict when you need someone and all the parties involved need to work together to make sure all the needs are met.

Go Me! I know that I am getting somewhere. I am not ready to lift all the requrements I have asked for right now. I still need my nights afterwards, but I think I am getting better there. But knowing that I don't need quite an extended period of time to prepare shows that I am moving forward with all of this. I hope to be comfortable enough to lift more in the next couple of weeks. But I realized this weekend I can't just keep these rules in place permanently. There needs to be room for growth, otherwise we are just standing still and no one is learning anything and that will eventually lead to a rut and misery. I hope I am on the right track to compersion here. I simply told him and her if there comes a night where they need or want to be together I will be fine with it. Just let me know he is headed over there so I don't worry when he doesn't show up at home and I have no idea where he is at.

J and I have done alot of talking this weekend. I won't get into major detail but I want MG and KT to know that even we have our off times. We still have our struggles. And we still have our miscommunications. We took a few steps back, gave each other some space and by the next day we were fine again. I guess it is all a matter of putting that girly way of cattiness as you two call it aside and try to approach it with an open mind and try to see through each other's eyes. I hope I did that well myself.

I learned that I am asking them to listen to my wants and needs. Really listen. But I am not hearing them when they say I am loved and cared about and wanted and enough. I don't hear that my husband isn't going anywhere. I brush what they are saying aside and continue to sit in the electric chair and wait to be shocked to death.

I have another analogy for you all. I drove through a major rain storm this weekend with my tipsy husband in the passenger seat and my baby girl in the back asleep. It was around midnight and I started using this toward my life.
It's hard. The rain got so bad at times I couldn't see. But I had a family to take care of and they were counting on me to get them home safely. A couple of times I had to pull over and take a moment to adjust my eyes. One time I even managed to accidently get off an exit without meaning to. But I got home. I made it.
This I put to this journey I am going through with my husband. The pain gets hard enough that I can't see straight. So I have to stop, I have to regain self control and readjust how I am looking at things with this poly life. I have a daughter that needs me to keep control and a husband that still depends on me to be there for him. Its about getting safely home. Its about reaching that goal with a smile on your face and everyone calm and together. I have gotten off on an exit without meaning to. I have tried to give up. But I made that U turn and got right back on and kept going without looking back. I didn't give up on the road and I am not giving up here. Driving through that made me feel so strong as a person. And I am a strong person. And I am going to be ok. And so is my family.

Thank you again everyone.
 
AK, just want to acknowledge the excellent work you are putting into this. Fantastic the steps you have gone through :)

Congratulations
 
ak - your post literally gave me goosebumps!! I said it before - you are an amazing woman!! Knowing how you were a month ago - and seeing where you are now is incredibly inspiring and motivating!!! You have had to overcome and accept so much and yet you stay strong and positive. I have so much respect for you! I hope I can get to where you are - and soon. DH and MG were together last night after work - and I couldn't stop crying. I kept picturing them together and it made me crazy. I hate that! I don't want to feel like this. I LOVE your analogy of driving in the rain - it's so true! THAT is what I need to keep remembering - I AM loved, I AM needed, I AM wanted! In this situation - it's not always easy to remember!

Thank you for sharing your story!:)

Kat
 
This is quite the experience to share Ak2381. Thanks for your openess and making yourself vulnerable so others in the same situation can know they are not alone.

This is what the forum is for me..a safe place to grow buy simply sharing.. and clearly others feel that as well :)
 
ak2381 said:
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So he does what I ask and brings home some of the excitement of BDSM and the whole dom lifestyle. We are purely in bedroom with that stuff. I know some make it a full lifestyle but outside the bedroom we don't so we can show our daughter that we are equals and I am not less than he is.
Through bringing home the dom/sub life he has asked me to call him sir in the bedroom and wear the garters and such again. I do as I am asked because that comes with it. But I almost feel like a copycat, a second thought.
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Being in a poly family that my partner desires is something I've struggled with for years to a point that it has torn us apart, but are finally getting to where we should have been so I can't comment on most things regarding those aspects. However, I was basically raised surrounded by D/s and that is a lifestyle I've lived everyday of my life. So this I can speak on!

I think this is the thing that bothers me most about D/s being misunderstood. Of course there are so many people just dabling in BDSM and calling themselves Masters while they hardly know how to control themselves little long others that I can understand why society has this misunderstanding. Never think that just because you call him Sir or are the sub in the relationship that that makes you any less of a person and if ever your kids do catch wind of that part of your life it wouldn't be a bad thing to explain that to them. Just because you're submissive doesn't make you a doormat. Actually it makes you stronger than most because there is nothing harder in this world than to submit regardless of what it is your submitting to. I've seen the best of the best and the worst of the worst in all my years and I promise that even the best Masters would say to anyone other than his sub that really it's the sub who controls everything because if she didn't submit then he couldn't Dom her. ;)

The other thing I wanted to comment on is that you shouldn't consider yourself a copycat. You should consider yourself the trend setter. After all you said he first got into that with you, but it fizzled down until after she entered the picture. So that leads me to think you gave him the interest, but he wasn't ready yet. Perhaps he didn't feel adequate at taking on such a role with you back then, but now that he has had a little more trial and error time with her he feels more capable to do so with you.
 
It feels very good

More developments today folks.
J and I are working towards more progress. I am trying to understand some things about her. I have a couple of questions in my mind I need to remember to ask her tomorrow.
I have been rereading my posts since this whole thing has started. Wow did I have alot of anger when this first started. I didn't know which way to turn and it was so easy to blame everything in the world. I don't hate these people anymore. Well maybe L. I never like her. Never will. But the rest, not so much.
DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.
I am feeling a real high the last couple of days by the progress I have made. I know I have had some real rough patches. But this whole compersion thing has been a good concept for me to grasp. I had never really heard about it and it feels like it is a small goal I can work on while I wait to really be ok with everything again.
I felt myself slipping a little today. I started getting scared again. But I remembered the advice I had been given. I remembered the smile on my husband's face when I was able to do things for the both of them and open my mind and let everyone feel free and relaxed. And that helped. Images of them being together threatened at the tip of my imagination. I pushed it out with ideas of my next lunch with J. Our next night of the three of us. My next date with DH. Wow, positive images are just as powerful, did you know that?

I want J to know, in case she reads this, her place is right here. She needs to stand beside her husband and beside my husband and me. She is an equal in my book. She wasn't before. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to scream and feel anger. And I did. But that was in the beginning. And people change. I have changed. She gave my DH and me a song to listen to today. I want to place the chorus lyrics on here. It is beautiful.

ive changed over time
and grew stronger in life
wont give up what is mine
but sometimes even angels fall down
ive done all this right
and ive won all these fights
i grew stronger in life
but sometimes we break down n fall apart

It's all very true. She is apart of this relationship that is mine now. I am sorry if this is sappy and a bit cheesy. But I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted. Just as she has done for me. I have won fights, with both of them by my side. I fall down sometimes and say things out of hurt and anger. And I have no doubt I am not finished doing so. I will still have my rain storms and will still need to pull over to the side of the road. But as long as I have my family and my friends, her being a very strong part of that, I will get back up.

And J, if you ever read this. I am not just saying this because of that. I told you, I don't edit my blogs, I let my fingers do the talking. They are more honest where the mouth can be prone to let a lie slip out, even mine has been guilty of that.
 
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ak2381 said:
She is apart of this relationship that is mine now....... I feel really good tonight. Because I was able to help come up with a way to make her feel loved and wanted.
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This is awesome, as was your last post! I'm so happy for you. things are coming around and you are getting what compersion does! Wouldn't it be wonderful if there was more of it in the world?

I'm so happy for you, you should feel mighty proud.
 
ak2381 said:
DH and J are having some problems tonight. I have decided to take care of the house and my daughter so they can have some time to work out their issues. And you know what? I am doing great. I am not happy that they are having an off night. But I feel good because I am doing this for them. LovingRadiance once said that a good way to feel better when you are having trouble is do something for someone else. Do something for the OSO. And I am trying to do that. And I do feel great.
DH asked me a few minutes ago what he could do to make her feel more loved. I know that was awkward but he really wanted a woman's point of view. I thought for a few minutes and came up with an idea. Now I am not going to say this now. But I will say we discussed it, laid out what we both knew about her and he was very happy that I was openly helping him with this. He wanted her to know that she was more than just a sex buddy. So I told him what we females like.
It felt wonderful to come up with a way to make my friend smile. I also have another confession to make. The other day I told J how I really felt about her. How far I have come. I told her she was like my sister now. I loved her and depended on her more than some of my own siblings.
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This made me smile AND cry! You are a really special person. Your DH and J are very blessed. But so am I for having the opportunity to read through your posts. Thank you for your courage in blogging the evolution of your relationships.:)
 
Digging a little Deeper

I was discussing with J today the "rule" that I had lifted this past weekend about giving me a good advance notice before DH goes over. She was trying to stick with that rule anyways and as I was explaining things to her I realized something.
I realized why I needed that rule in the first place. I realized how I had been feeling this week without that rule. And I smiled and felt happy about being able to dig that deep into how I felt about this one small part of the situation.
I needed that rule in the beginning because without it I was a nervous wreck. What if I needed him that night? What if I wasn't able to handle it? I would sit with a jumble of nerves waiting to see if he would suddenly disappear on me. It was a fear of him leaving and not coming back. Not wanting to be with me all of a sudden. Would I have plans ready to keep myself occupied and busy.
Then the day came when I realized I was ready to step outside of that shell. This week I have not been like that. I have been great. And there has been no mentioned plans of when they will be together, although I know that there is usually plans to meet at least once a week at her place. And when it happens I will be fine as well. If I need him I can call him before he goes over and he will be there for me. And so will she. I don't need to worry in advance. I can take those nights and pop in a movie that he hates. I feel ready for this step and I like that. I know I am ready to not be selfish about needing him because of course he will come home to me. And it isn't that he doesn't want to be with me, or prefer her. It's that, this is how it worked out this week. And I am ok with that.
When she tried to keep the rule I had to let her know why I couldn't put that back in place. I know she had my interest at heart. But I need to keep that rule at way. I need to keep progressing. If I am not then I will slip back into the numbness and insecurities that I am finally conquering and start becoming scared again. I just don't even want to bear the thought of living through more of that.
I am so tired of the stress and hurt and worrying about what he thinks of me. I want to continue knowing that he loves me and has no doubt in his mind that I am his soul mate. My relationships with both of them are growing. I wanted to try taking away one of the rules. This was an easy one to handle right now. And I am doing great with it.
They both tell me they are willing to do whatever I need for me to be comfortable and at ease so I know that they are hesitant with me doing something even this small to help myself move forward. I know no one is forcing me to change the rules. But they need to change. And I know that despite me telling them I need their input, they will change when I say so and I appreciate their patience and understanding with me. But I also know I feel better about certain things lately. I am happy because I am starting to grow as a person. I am slowly beginning to trust my husband again. It has been very hard to do that. Harder than almost everything. I think the only thing harder is accepting they love each other. And I am doing better there I know that. I can actually say it out loud now. But I am also becoming closer to her, and most importantly him.
The pain is still very much there. But it is starting to subside a little. Each week it gets a little easier. I go longer without meltdowns now. If I don't keep pushing myself all I will ever feel is how hard this is. I can't live my life like that. I need to be happy again. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to smile. And I have done that this week. I have actively held my husband and helped him with advice in his relationship with her if he has asked for it. I think it is because he is trying to include me and is talking to me that helps.

I also realized something else. I know why I feel so insecure and inadequate about them being together sometimes, especially with how intense they get. I realized it comes from all the years of cheating. From before she was apart of this. When DH and I had everything out he admitted that during that time in our marriage part of the reason was indeed because he was bored and needed excitement in the bedroom again. And went about it the wrong way. That wasn't all his fault. I got to the point during those years that I didn't care. Sex became a chore and just another part of the day. It had lost all spark for both us. We just handled it differently. Granted his hurt alot more than anything I did. I just got new hobbies like exercise and focusing on my diet and house. But that is why we talk now. And why I am trying to rebuild my trust in him. And why I get insecure and feel like the boring house wife. I just have to keep reminding myself that we are coming away from that rough patch and rebuilding what should have been there all along.
 
lost

Tonight was suppose to be wonderful. But I pushed too hard. I hurt so many people I care about. And I fear I have lost everything. Compersion can't fix everything and sometimes it just doesn't matter at all when u are using it and it works and yet people still get hurt.
To dh and j, I'm sorry I hurt you. I was great watching u two need each other. Right now I hope someday I can forgive myself. I know they probably don't Even blame me. But I know how pushy I was for us to have tonite so we could all have some time together. Now there are people on couches, not beds. I'm sorry.
I have lost a friend, maybe a husband's respect, my confidence, my beliefs that everyone would be ok. I fear I have lost this fight.
Goodnight.
 
Please don't do that

AK...I know I told you I wouldn't post, but this last one scares me. You didn't push for last night, it was something we all wanted. You haven't hurt anyone...that one is all on me.

You haven't lost a friend...it you still want me around that is. And I am positive that the only one who lost any of your dh's respect last night was me.

Please don't blame yourself for something I did.

J
 
I think I'm going to throw up. Not handling things too well. Last nite was too soon, why did I insist just because of the progress I have made this week. No matter what I say no one will believe I am ok with the comforting. I wouldn't have been ok without it. I only wish the couch had been big enough for me to help comfort J.
Things were tense in the beginning as it was but I didn't listen. I wanted to show how good I was with everything. Play with some toys. Dh was upset with me for it later. We had all talked about it first but I guess things weren't as relaxed aas I had hoped. I just can't take this hurting. I've finally reached breaking point. I'm sorry for the readers who had hope through this. My success story has fallen. I hurt two marriages last nite. I am signing off now before I get worse.
 
My goodness, what happened? I am imaging what happened, but as it is with imaging, its rarely the story.

*hugs* I'm so sorry that you are hurting :(
 
We all make mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them and move on, improving what we messed up.

Step back, breathe, talk to the others involved, learn from the mistakes made, and go forward.

You will pull through this if you give yourself the time to do so.

I have seen many, MANY times where people say to only go as fast as the slowest member of the relationship. To me this means to only go as fast as you, and everyone else in the relationship, is comfortable going. Expect to make mistakes, we all make them.
 
J - I think it is great that you are reaching out to ak - I think it's good for both of you to support each other. I know how much your friendship means to ak!

Hang in there - things will get better!
 
KT - Please don't misunderstand...this is not the first time that I have reached out to AK, and it won't be the last - and she, hopefully ;), is well aware of that. I have been intentionally not posting on here, despite reading her posts because I felt this was her space to be free to talk without feeling like she was going to have to argue her point of view. She knew I was reading the posts, but she also knew that I saw this as her "space" to vent or scream or anything else that she needed to do when she didn't feel comfortable doing that with either her DH or me.

But thank you for the positive thoughts.
 
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