The Blog of the Mono Wife

:) This is an encouraging statement/observation on your part. Thanks for sharing it. Just reading it made me feel good about my future with KT and 2R. Much appreciation for your continued posts.
 
ak - I have been thinking about you and I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I know the feeling - it sucks! But you will come out of this - and you'll be stronger for it. I cannot begin to imagine how painful it is to have your husband lie and cheat - mine is honest to a fault. You say he hasn't lied in weeks - but until those weeks turn into month, then years - you won't fully trust him. He needs to earn your trust back little by little. Considering what you have been through - you have every right to feel the way you do. It's ok to feel concerned, worried and angsty - for a little while. Have your pity party - we all need one once in a while - but don't let it last too long. You will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and become that strong, calm woman you have been.

Have you guys gone to or considered marriage counseling? I think it would be a good idea. Just a thought.

Hang in there and PM or call me if you need to talk.

{{{{hugs ak}}}}

Kat
 
KatTails said:
angsty
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Hey that is my word! I should have trademarked it...did 2R tell you Hannity used it the other night!

AK- I get losing yourself a bit in a relationship. I think most women do that and sacrifice some individuality to make our partnerships work. It causes much frustration and we always wonder would they do this for us...of course we never challenge them in that way or push the envelope so to speak, and so we always find ourselves in this vicious circle of doubt and anxiety and anger at both them but also at ourselves. (Not saying some men don't go through this...just saying historically speaking women give-up their self-identity in many love relationships/marriages).
Negative thoughts and doubt will creep in and I completely agree with Kat that it sucks but as Ari advised me, "find strength in your vulnerability" and when you feel the need for some reciprocal attention or commitment tell him so...tell him the words are great but aren't enough, show me the money! Thoughts and best wishes for you and your family. I think we are all pulling for eachother, we want to see more success stories on here!
 
AK-we have a card on our mirror in our bedroom. I thought of it reading your last post. One of the KEY solutions to your immediate issue-is living in NOW. Very very few people REALLY do this. It's not easy to do-God knows I struggle with this daily.
In fact I finished the book I was reading (The Seven Levels of Intimacy) and I am now reading a new book JUST about THIS issue! It's called, "The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle". It's not an easy read (the last book was and I recommend it to everyone, mono and poly alike!).
But it does address this issue.

The quote on our mirror is this,
"We should never attempt to bear more than one kind of trouble at once.
Some people bear all three kinds-all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have."
Edward Everett Hale

It's so true.
We focus on "what might happen" and "what did happen" A LOT in our lives. But all we have control or ability to deal with is what IS happening in our lives in this moment.


I haven't had much time to write this last two weeks or so. I will be around though.
I'm thinking of all of you.
 
LovingRadiance said:
AK-we have a card on our mirror in our bedroom. I thought of it reading your last post. One of the KEY solutions to your immediate issue-is living in NOW. Very very few people REALLY do this. It's not easy to do-God knows I struggle with this daily.
In fact I finished the book I was reading (The Seven Levels of Intimacy) and I am now reading a new book JUST about THIS issue! It's called, "The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle". It's not an easy read (the last book was and I recommend it to everyone, mono and poly alike!).
But it does address this issue.

The quote on our mirror is this,
"We should never attempt to bear more than one kind of trouble at once.
Some people bear all three kinds-all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to have."
Edward Everett Hale

It's so true.
We focus on "what might happen" and "what did happen" A LOT in our lives. But all we have control or ability to deal with is what IS happening in our lives in this moment.


I haven't had much time to write this last two weeks or so. I will be around though.
I'm thinking of all of you.
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LR- Great quote and so appropriate. I think we all missed your notes on here. I agree it is very "self-fulfilling prophecy like" to fret about what "might happen" and it isooo easy to fall into the insecurity of the unknown Your example reminds me of the Serenity Prayer. Thanks for this. Love to Maca and GG and kids. Hope everyone is coping this week and enjoying being in eachother's lives. Nothing like a tragedy to emphasize how special what you have ias a family. Hope you are well too AK!
 
Just a quick note

So I am not goin to type much. Just a quick a hello to show I am still alive.
Things are going well for DH and me. And folks be proud. I have decided it was high time I did something to help my self confidence and will power. One of my workout friends has convinced me that I need to try and do a triathlon and by golly I am going to do it. So for the next six weeks we are going to be training together.

There really hasn't been anything new on the poly front. Just on the working on my self worth front. And I really want to do this and I know in the end I will really be happy with myself. J has been very encouraging in me finding something to help myself. DH feels that it is time I did something with all of my hard work at the gym.

DH and J are still set in their friendship mode. I know it is hard for them but it was worse before they were at least talking again. We are all using our kids and family and outside activities to get by and build who we are again. It has been nice to see that all of our friendships were strong enough to survive all of this. To me that shows we were all more connected than we thought.

Well that is all for now. I will keep you updated the best I can.
 
That's awesome Ak!!!

I'm training for that too. :)

My goal is to do the Ironman in Coeur d'Alene in 5 years. :)

Have fun!!
 
Tomorrow we are taking our daughter and hitting the waters with Kayaking and picnicking before I start training for my triathlon.

Sunday DH is going to his brother's place for the night. I am a little nervous about it because this was the place that alot of the bad stuff in our marriage happened at. This would be where he went to cheat. But that isn't why he would normally really go. It is just a college town so it was easy to do so there.

But I know he is just going to visit his brother. I know I can trust him. If something happens then I know he will talk to me about it. Chances are nothing will happen. He isn't a sex addict. Or a pathalogical cheater who can't keep it in his pants. He is a wonderful man who loves me and has been more honest with me in the past four months than our entire relationship. And we both know more about each other now. I trust him and am fine if he does meet someone there. I know he would never do anything to hurt me or our marriage now.

Then Monday starts my training! That will take the edge off any left over stress from the weekend. A nice run down a shaded dirt path and then ending at the swimming pool with my husband and daughter. Sounds like a perfect day.
 
I am starting my training this week. I am two days into it and feel great and clear in the head afterwards.

I am feeling a little insecure this week and am working through it one thing at a time. Its been hard but I am learning to accept my feelings as my own and understand I need to work through them. I can't depend on DH to just make them go away. I can't ask him to give up who he is just because I am feeling vulnerable. I know he empathizes with me and is here to help me. But giving up this part of him would not help either of us. And I will come out stronger on the other side as long as I continue to acknowledge who I am and own up to the fact that DH can't control how I feel. Only I can. And only I can work through this part of the pain and hurt. There really isn't much anyone else can do for me on this one. I need to come to accept myself and who I am and where I fit into this life.

Today is a swim day and I can't wait to hit the water!
 
Training is still going well. I am hitting a Zumba class tonight for a bit of a break.

I had some hard struggles this weekend but DH and I have worked through them and I am getting back to where I need to be. As long as I know that he continues to hold me at night I will be ok and happy.

Tomorrow is playgroup for my daughter and a 45 minute bike ride. I am getting really excited about this race. DH even bought me a water pack and we are buying me a new bike helmet. Lookout Triathletes!
 
what am i suppose to do now

Some more of my worst fears are coming true. DH just can't seem to get past his break up and I don't know what to do. I hold him at night. I let him cry. I listen as he tells me about the hole in his life and he doesn't understand why. He has no desire for sex. Our sex life has gone downhill since the break up. Almost non existent. It was something we talked about wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let this affect us. But he can't seem to focus. He gets into funks weekly now. And I just don't know what to do. I'm here. I'm right beside him. He says he wants to feel that wanting again. I have that for him. But it isn't enough. I'm almost afraid he had started to love her more and I was just an obligation. I am trying not to think like that but its hard. Right now the sex is about me getting it. It was strongly about us and his desires and my desires and just a wonderful mesh. Now its gone.

Right now I am swinging on my front porch, just letting the tears flo while I give him some space. Just waiting to turn the laundry around. Because I just don't know what to do. I feel like its too late for my marriage and I have lost my husband. If he doesn't talk with her he is angry and hurt. If he does he misses her and is hurt but there is a small smile. I don't give him that smile anymore. And I can't seem to stop hurting and wishing for the life I had before, where I knew how to make him happy with just me. But I can't. He is so miserable. And I can't let him see me cry or how much I am breaking down watching this. That's why I had to come to the porch. I am trying so hard to be strong. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't want you.
 
I have no words to help. I don't know if his shutting down should be taken as he doesn't want you. I wonder how Redpepper would react towards her husband if we split up? I suspect she too would isolate herself for a while. Stay strong :(
 
I read this and I really felt for you

ak2381 said:
Some more of my worst fears are coming true. DH just can't seem to get past his break up and I don't know what to do. I hold him at night. I let him cry. I listen as he tells me about the hole in his life and he doesn't understand why. He has no desire for sex. Our sex life has gone downhill since the break up. Almost non existent. It was something we talked about wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let this affect us. But he can't seem to focus. He gets into funks weekly now. And I just don't know what to do. I'm here. I'm right beside him. He says he wants to feel that wanting again. I have that for him. But it isn't enough. I'm almost afraid he had started to love her more and I was just an obligation. I am trying not to think like that but its hard. Right now the sex is about me getting it. It was strongly about us and his desires and my desires and just a wonderful mesh. Now its gone.

Right now I am swinging on my front porch, just letting the tears flo while I give him some space. Just waiting to turn the laundry around. Because I just don't know what to do. I feel like its too late for my marriage and I have lost my husband. If he doesn't talk with her he is angry and hurt. If he does he misses her and is hurt but there is a small smile. I don't give him that smile anymore. And I can't seem to stop hurting and wishing for the life I had before, where I knew how to make him happy with just me. But I can't. He is so miserable. And I can't let him see me cry or how much I am breaking down watching this. That's why I had to come to the porch. I am trying so hard to be strong. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't want you.
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I think you are being far too hard on yourself. It's great that you are supporting your partner but don't do it at your own expense. I have done this in the past and it doesn't work. He is showing his honest feelings for the way things are. You need to do the same. Why can't you let him see you cry? He's your partner, surely letting him see how much this is hurting you will let you know one way or the other whether or not you have lost your husband. If he does still love you deeply he will care for you. I think one of the big mistakes we monos make in this whole poly thing is thinking that we have to to suppress our feelings. You wouldn't want him to put on a front for you and hide how he is is really feeling, so why are you doing that for him? I think this could be an excellent opportunity for you guys to reach a deeper place in your own relationship.

Let us know how it goes.

Sage
 
I agree with Sage. While I think there's always a "better" time and place to express our feelings, you should never keep them bottled up. It will take time for your husband to heal (and it's great that you are giving him room to do so) but it will only hurt your relationship with your husband if you continue to hide these feelings. And maybe expressing yourself will help him to realize that he needs to refocus some things and remember that he still has a relationship with you. A good relationship needs open and honest communication, even when it's hardest to do so.
 
I think you should allow your husband a little more time to process the breakup. As upset as you are, imagine that exponentially increasing if your relationship with him was over. His mood has nothing to do with his love for you. He needs to feel that loss. Reread Kat's post on grief. They love/loved eachother and it is over. So give him some grieving time. Not that your feelings aren't valid. He does still have you but to jump right into carefree life isn't really a possibility for him. Sex probably isn't anything he can get into now. So just keep being supportive and give him the hugs and caresses he needs. How long was their relationship? I wouldn't shoulder that melancholy as rejection of you but rather rejection of intimacy right now. You are a pretty great wife in alot of ways and he knows and feels that so don't assume responsibility for his unhappiness right now. Try not to be over-dependent on his approval or recognition as a guage of your self-worth. He just needs some space and you cannot help him get over it. That is something he needs to do all on his own. I hope being able to vent here helps you keep it together until he is over her. Hope that helps...I am no expert but often I am one that isolates or shuts down when hurting. Just my perspective here. best of luck to you AK.;)
 
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Now you're getting conflicting advice Ak

It is interesting to note that 'members' are giving your different advice to a 'senior member'. You are described as a 'member'. In my experience expecting senior work from a less experienced person doesn't work very well. I come from the other side of the globe so forgive me if I haven't got the terms quite right but it's a bit like expecting a junior high student to cope with college concepts.

Even though I knew all about compersion (and in this case compassion) intellectually, it wasn't until I accepted that this is still all very new to me and gave myself permission to accept my feelings as valid for where I am right now, that things started to improve with my poly partner and his secondary relationship. If your experience is anything like mine there quite a lag between the intellect and the heart. I'm not saying don't be compassionate to your partner I'm just saying that you deserve the same.

Good luck
 
Sage-

I don't disagree with your point, but I do think it would be useful to note-that just because someone is a senior member on this board, doesn't mean that they have experience much less more experience in Polyamory and Just because they are only a "member" on here doesn't mean that they don't have experience, or more experience in poly.

It simply means that they have a certain number of posts on this forum. As soon as you reach a certain number of posts you get "promoted" to "senior member" on the board.

Just a useful "fyi". ;)
 
ak2381 said:
Some more of my worst fears are coming true. DH just can't seem to get past his break up and I don't know what to do.
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Let him grieve. Do as you have been and hold him, let him know you are still there for him. The loss of ANY relationship can be devastating and we all need time to get past it. Let him grieve the loss.

Grief is a powerful, POWERFUL thing. It's a whole lot of different emotions which cycle through repeatedly without any warning as to which emotion will be next or how long each emotion will have a say. If you can try to get him into grief councelling.
I hold him at night. I let him cry. I listen as he tells me about the hole in his life and he doesn't understand why.
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Keep doing this. He will appreciate you all the more for it down the road, even if you can't see it right now.
He has no desire for sex. Our sex life has gone downhill since the break up. Almost non existent. It was something we talked about wouldn't happen. We wouldn't let this affect us. But he can't seem to focus.
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It isn't you, honest. Grief affects different people in different and unpredictable ways. Just be there for him and let him know you care and are there no matter what.
He gets into funks weekly now. And I just don't know what to do. I'm here. I'm right beside him. He says he wants to feel that wanting again. I have that for him. But it isn't enough. I'm almost afraid he had started to love her more and I was just an obligation. I am trying not to think like that but its hard. Right now the sex is about me getting it. It was strongly about us and his desires and my desires and just a wonderful mesh. Now its gone.

Right now I am swinging on my front porch, just letting the tears flo while I give him some space. Just waiting to turn the laundry around. Because I just don't know what to do. I feel like its too late for my marriage and I have lost my husband. If he doesn't talk with her he is angry and hurt. If he does he misses her and is hurt but there is a small smile. I don't give him that smile anymore. And I can't seem to stop hurting and wishing for the life I had before, where I knew how to make him happy with just me. But I can't. He is so miserable. And I can't let him see me cry or how much I am breaking down watching this. That's why I had to come to the porch. I am trying so hard to be strong. But how do you do that when your husband doesn't want you.
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You need to grieve the loss as well. Things won't be the same, they will be different, they will be better than before, once the grief has run its course. You do need to tell him how you're feeling though. Recognize your feelings, validate them to him. Telling him how you're feeling might just help HIM work through his emotions a little better because he'll recognize (hopefully) that he's not the only one who's hurting which, in turn, might let him open up to you a little more about how he's really feeling. His emotions are running on high right now and maybe opening up even more will help bring them down a notch or two
 
LovingRadiance said:
Sage-

I don't disagree with your point, but I do think it would be useful to note-that just because someone is a senior member on this board, doesn't mean that they have experience much less more experience in Polyamory and Just because they are only a "member" on here doesn't mean that they don't have experience, or more experience in poly.

It simply means that they have a certain number of posts on this forum. As soon as you reach a certain number of posts you get "promoted" to "senior member" on the board.

Just a useful "fyi". ;)
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Great clearing that up for Sage...meant to do that last night...I am by no means "senior" in experience. I just chatter alot.:eek:
 
oh sweety I am so sorry things are so hard right now, but in my little experience, I have to agree with the others. Let him see you cry. Sometimes others need to be reminded that their loved ones are hurting too. Hold him and let him hold you. The husband and I being honest about our emotions, whether they make sense or are in agreement with eachother, is one of the best things we do. It's something that has helped us through so many many things and still helps us now. He needs to grieve. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He just needs to process. The best advice I can give is for the two of you to be honest with eachother about your feelings and be open to the others emotions. You don't have to agree with them, but you do need to understand where they came from and try to be suppotive and he needs to do the same. I'm here if you need to talk.
 
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