The Blog of the Mono Wife

Things are looking up again

Ok latest update.

It took things coming to an all out fight this weekend but we are finally on good terms again around here. All the tension and hurt feelings and stubborness blew up on Friday. We had a huge fight just yelling at each other about random things from poly life to stress at work and home. Saturday we just went our own way to cool off. I cried, he huffed and by the time it was time to go to J's wedding renewal reception we were good again. We were hugging and kissing and telling each other how much we loved and have missed each other.

Yesterday was a wonderful day that we spent with each other and watching our daughter play in her kiddie pool. We relaxed with some pizza and chocolate. What a wonderful combination. And by last night we had a very passionate and might I say rather wonderfully aggressive night. And we woke up in exceptionally wonderful moods this morning.

Thank you all for your help and advice. Last week was just a bad one. There were so many emotional issues and we were both so stressed out. And I know this isn't the end of it. But hopefully we can get on a better track now and continue working out our problems. I need to be more supportive of what he is going through. And he needs to remember that even though he is having a hard time I have needs as well. And we both seem to recognize that Saturday evening and Sunday. Hopefully we can give it a few days before we let this get to us again. One day at a time right. Just focus on the fact that today we are happy. Today we feel good and today we can't wait to get back to bed tonight :p.

As for my triathlon, my training is going strong. I did a good swim yesterday and am planning to do another one today. I am proud that I haven't missed a training session yet. Of course it has only been the first week. But I feel refreshed after each round. And I can usually think more clearly and am ready for the next part of my day.

TTFN!
 
Why is it that when I am near him I am fine. Life is great and I am in complete bliss. But if he isn't within arms reach, even just to go to work I get worked up and insecure and question everything possible out there. Why can't I just be better at holding onto the good feelings instead of my head filling up with images and uncalled for hurt feelings from past actions and worries. Ugh! Just need to take a deep breath and gather back those happy tingly feelings from this morning.
 
ak2381 said:
Why is it that when I am near him I am fine. Life is great and I am in complete bliss. But if he isn't within arms reach, even just to go to work I get worked up and insecure and question everything possible out there. Why can't I just be better at holding onto the good feelings.
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I was literally just thinking the same thing! A year ago - I was deeply in love with 2rings, but we were stuck in a rut. He would go to work - and I was indifferent or relieved at times. Sure I wanted to see him - but it was easy to let him go. We could go from Sun to Fri without seeing each other because of our different shifts. Now - since he fell in love with MG - I feel needy, clingy, dependent upon him. I hate when he goes to work. He hates Sundays because I tend to get emotional that we have 5 days of not really seeing each other. I miss him incredibly now when he's not with me. I crave his touch, having his arms around me, and just seeing his smile. I have started staying up late at night just to see him - usually only getting 4-5 hours of sleep if that. I hate feeling this needy.

If your marriage is anything like ours, which, from talking with you, I think it is - then this whole thing has brought you guys closer together. 2rings and I are closer, more in love, more appreciative of each other, more open and honest, communicate more and are more committed to our marriage than we were before. To me - going through all of this, while hard and painful, has actually been a blessing for us. So I think the feelings I'm having are a combination of insecurity and jealousy about MG - but also a type of NRE - since we have fallen in love all over again. Whatever it is, I just hope this sad, dependent, clingy feeling subsides.

I hope you find a way to hold onto your happy feelings, intense love and tingles. What you and I are feeling is normal - but not healthy. We are both strong women who should be able to stand on our own two feet and be ok when our husbands aren't with us.

{{{{hugs!!!}}}}

Kat
 
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This is not something only you have experienced my friend. It can get better. i used to be wracked with insecurity and fear of the unknown when me and Redpepper were apart. Now I have an incredible sense of security and have very little of those old feelings. Hang in there :)
 
I fully acknowledge that your situation is different then mine however, so I am not assuming to know how you are feeling in many ways...just to clarify :eek:
 
On a good path this week

So life is pretty good at the moment. DH and I seem to be getting well this week. I have been able to talk myself down off of some insecure moments. Reminding myself that when he talks to me about his poly life it isn't about it being a threat to me. He is just trying to be open and share what is going on in his life. And once I realize there is nothing to feel threatened over I feel good again.

I had a day where nothing happened. There was no trigger. And yet I was just tired of dealing with all of this and just didn't want to do it anymore. And of course that was a day he worked late and I couldn't be near him so all my negative thoughts were hitting the surface.

But he came home and we had a terrific night. We have actually had a terrific week. We have been very close with hardly any arguments. We even felt like kids again during a water fight while we washed the cars last night. I think the closest fight was I was trying to ask a couple of questions and he got a bit impatient with me. He roled his eyes and started raising his voice but he caught himself when he saw I backed off and wouldn't talk at all and went timid a little bit on him. The rest of the night was a little awkward but we worked through it.

It is amazing to see the difference in us lately. If something happens he doesn't just immediately blame me anymore. When we were having trouble a few months ago that is what he would do. I would get mad and defensive. Now we both take a step back and evaluate ourselves. I use to not talk myself back to be logical and real. I would just let my feelings spiral out of control. I am still really bad at this but I am doing better at owning how I feel and dealing with them and trying to share with him how I am actually feeling.

He doesn't just get mad at me anymore and make me feel inferior. He calms down and looks at the situation at hand. He realizes that not everything is my fault and he takes the blame for his actions. He also owns up to his feeling as I have done nothing wrong, it is him. He is just in a bad mood and he needs to make himself feel better.

I am happy with the progress we have made. Especially this week. Last weekend we had a huge blow up fight and now we are happy again. I guess that is the typical story for most couples. I am sure there are more ups and downs to come but for now we are on an up and enjoying it.
 
ak2381 said:
It is amazing to see the difference in us lately. If something happens he doesn't just immediately blame me anymore. When we were having trouble a few months ago that is what he would do. I would get mad and defensive. Now we both take a step back and evaluate ourselves. I use to not talk myself back to be logical and real. I would just let my feelings spiral out of control. I am still really bad at this but I am doing better at owning how I feel and dealing with them and trying to share with him how I am actually feeling.

He doesn't just get mad at me anymore and make me feel inferior. He calms down and looks at the situation at hand. He realizes that not everything is my fault and he takes the blame for his actions. He also owns up to his feeling as I have done nothing wrong, it is him. He is just in a bad mood and he needs to make himself feel better.
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These changes are HUGE and I am very happy for you AK! You both have really learned so much over the last few months...about eachother and what is successful for you as a couple. I am smiling for you right now.
Have you been in contact with J? Is she ok too?
 
Baby Steps

First of all -
MG - J is doing well. Very well from the looks of things and was surprised to see you asking about her. Thank you for your concern.

Ok on to the latest updates. It has been an interesting couple of days so bear with me. Last night J and her husband invited DH and me over for a movie night. J's husband it seems has been tryin to plan a double date with the four of us for awhile. We were surprised but took this as a good sign that he was coming around accepting DH as at least a good friend of J even if he couldn't be more.

So we go and watch Hangover, hilarious by the way. And the four of us end up just spending two and a half hours on the couch afterwards talking and swapping stories and laughing and having a great time. DH and J's husband were getting along great. DH admitted in the end that he did feel a little awkward because of his feelings for J but that aside had a wonderful time. On the drive home he was ready to plan the next double date. J's husband seemed more comfortable with who DH is and that he is less of a threat. It is still a long shot of him accepting their relatioship for what it really is but the fact that he is reaching out trying to be friends is a huge step. And we are taking it slowly from there. Right now DH and I are trying to plan a double date that the four of us can do while J is recovering from knee surgery. We have a few ideas. :)

Today apparently things were going very well. About mid day DH comes to me and says that J is allowed to have him over that night. No sexual relations planned. Just some talking and cuddling. It was an interesting feeling as I looked at him. He was excited. Thoroughly excited. It was like a little boy at Christmas. I know that is such a cliche analogy but there is nothing else to compare it to. He was glowing with excitement. He was ready to jump off of his chair as he pondered the possibilities of having some alone time with J outside of work with the approval of her husband. How could I say no. I could tell he was holding back his excitement and how much he missed her for my sake but it was pointless. He couldn't hide it.

It was interesting because there is no other feeling like knowing your husband misses another woman. And is glowing in eagerness at the chance of being reunited with her when things looked so bleak and hopeless for so long. Even if there wouldn't be any sex. Love doesn't have to be sex. It is a dull aching feeling that hurts a bit. But it is also a feeling that you have come to accept and you have a bubble of pleasure and happiness for them as well as the hurt. It hurts because you know it isn't you. And you monos out there know what I am talking about. Especially those who started this after a well established relationship. It use to be you. And now it is someone else. But he is truly happy. And he isn't asking to get away from me. He just misses someone he cares about deeply and loves. And it is a happiness he lost and has been struggling to get back. And seeing that light come on in his eye again was rewarding for me. I let that give me a light as well. So while half of me was hurting because I wasn't the one making him glow. The other half was relieved and delighted to see him smile from the inside out again. To see him look complete again. Even if it only stays as friendship. It is a friendship on fire for the two of them and that much has at least been approved.

I think for the first time, oddly enough, I don't feel threatened by his feelings for her. That says something I am sure. I just accept them. He can finally admit to me he does miss her. He does love her. And that makes a world of difference to me. I know he will still come home to me. And just because he misses her and loves her and gets a little boyish grin at getting to be with her tonight does not mean he loves me any less. Maybe if I can tell myself enough I will believe he loves me more for allowing him to be who he is and not stand in the way of his happiness. I am apart of that happiness. I am still working on that part. But typing it here on this forum is a big step forward.

DH is my very best friend. And tonight for me is about him. I am a little quiet with deep thought. But they are good thoughts. Tonight is about giving him this chance he has been missing for weeks. Just to cuddle her in his arms and maybe do nothing but watch some television. Yes I did tear up a little. Its never easy to admit this is my life now. But like I just said. This is about him. And I am happy for the both of them. I have lived through some of my worst nightmares over the last several months and have come out clean. This is nothing compared to what I have had to witness the last several weeks. It has been anxious torture, wondering when the next downfall for either will be and how I can help them get through it. They were worse when I had to watch him because I was right there silently begging for him to realize how much I loved him too.But he always knew that. And it was never anything about me or against me. It was just working through the pain.

He will come home tonight and we will talk and we will kiss and we will fall asleep in each others arms. Tomorrow morning I will check on J. And we will talk and joke and have a good conversation.

TTFN. Thanks Folks.
 
ak2381 said:
It was interesting because there is no other feeling like knowing your husband misses another woman. It is a dull aching feeling that hurts a bit. But it is also a feeling that you have come to accept and you have a bubble of pleasure and happiness for them as well as the hurt. It hurts because you know it isn't you. And you monos out there know what I am talking about. Especially those who started this after a well established relationship. It use to be you. And now it is someone else. But he is truly happy. And he isn't asking to get away from me. He just misses someone he cares about deeply and loves. And it is a happiness he lost and has been struggling to get back. And seeing that light come on in his eye again was rewarding for me. I let that give me a light as well. So while half of me was hurting because I wasn't the one making him glow. The other half was relieved and delighted to see him smile from the inside out again.

I think for the first time, oddly enough, I don't feel threatened by his feelings for her. That says something I am sure. I just accept them. He can finally admit to me he does miss her. He does love her. And that makes a world of difference to me. I know he will still come home to me. And just because he misses her and loves her and gets a little boyish grin at getting to be with her tonight does not mean he loves me any less. Maybe if I can tell myself enough I will believe he loves me more for allowing him to be who he is and not stand in the way of his happiness.

DH is my very best friend. And tonight for me is about him. I am a little quiet with deep thought. But they are good thoughts. Yes I did tear up a little. Its never easy to admit this is my life now. But like I just said. This is about him. And I am happy for the both of them. I have lived through some of my worst nightmares over the last several months and have come out clean. They were worse when I had to watch him because I was right there silently begging for him to realize how much I loved him too. But he always knew that. And it was never anything about me or against me.

He will come home tonight and we will talk and we will kiss and we will fall asleep in each others arms. Tomorrow morning I will check on J. And we will talk and joke and have a good conversation.
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AK - I am so happy to hear that things are going better for you guys. Knowing that your husband is in love with another woman isn't as painful as watching the pain in his eyes when he thinks he has lost her. It is the hardest thing to watch and to experience. So I do understand how seeing him happy at getting a chance to spend some time with J. makes you feel good. But it is a bittersweet good: you feel good for him, but its hard for you to watch.

I still struggle daily with understanding how his feelings for her are not a reflection of his feelings for me - but I am sure in time that will be easier to understand.

Congratulations on this nice turn of events - I am very proud of the way you have handled and accepted this! You are an incredibly strong woman and your DH is lucky to have you!

:)Kat:)
 
Hey AK! How is the training going? Trying to increase my own exercise/activity level. Just moving into running, I have been walking/hiking for exercise but just started some weight training and added a cardio workout class. Offered at work, may as well take advantage of the opportunity. Hoping 2R and KT join me sometime. The hubs will walk with me once in awhile but if it isn't competitive he isn't interested in most exercise...and he is a smoker! UGH! But anyway I know it always makes me feel so much better. Hope the training is going well! It is AWESOME you are doing a Triathalon:cool:
 
Morningglory629 said:
Hey AK! How is the training going? Trying to increase my own exercise/activity level. Just moving into running, I have been walking/hiking for exercise but just started some weight training and added a cardio workout class. Offered at work, may as well take advantage of the opportunity. Hoping 2R and KT join me sometime. The hubs will walk with me once in awhile but if it isn't competitive he isn't interested in most exercise...and he is a smoker! UGH! But anyway I know it always makes me feel so much better. Hope the training is going well! It is AWESOME you are doing a Triathalon:cool:
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The training is going great. I just did my first combo in training the other day. A half hour run followed by 45 minutes of riding around town on my bike. And when you live in WV there are hills everywhere! So my legs were dead. And of course I have to walk around town to get to and from work (including while on my lunch break) So I crashed pretty hard that night. This weekend I am suppose to up it to a 60 minute bike ride and 30 minute run. But it is worth it and I am having a blast!
 
Just Here

Nothing much to update. Its been a long week and I can only hope things get better from here. My training is coming along quite nicely.
J, her DH, my DH and me all seem to be getting along with each other rather well at the moment.
Fathers Day was great for DH and our daughter. The goal was to give them the perfect day and I think I succeeded somewhat in there. I will write some more later. Sorry. Not a whole lot to say right now. Just letting everyone know I am still alive.
 
Glad your still alive....I don't know if monogamous people can exchange mouth to mouth but I wouldn't let you die ;)
 
Updating

Here are some updates on our little group here.

First my training is coming along nicely. I have pinpointed my swimming as my weak point in the triathlon but with some hard work I can hopefully pull through on that one. Any pointers there are welcome!

J, her DH (we will call him M from now on. It is easier.) and my DH are all getting along great. J recently had surgery on her leg. So DH and I went over with our Wii game system and we all played video games and had pizza while all the kids, including our daughter, slept. It was alot of fun. J and I were even curled up on the couch together while the guys had their own seats. Everyone seemed very comfortable. M and DH seem to be doing very well on their own relationship. DH has even told me he has come to consider M a good friend and care about him. We are still a ways from putting all the pieces together but we are on a good road.

The goal right now is to keep up the double dates. I am going over to J's house tonight to help her while M is at work tonight. I don't know if DH is going to come over after his kickboxing class or not. He has been wanting to go visit his brother for awhile so I think he is on the fence on whether to go there or come see the two women who are in love with him, lol. Hard choice I am sure.

DH and I have had a few fights here and there as any married couple do. We had a very close call last weekend where we started talking divorce and discussing how it was just time to get the papers. We weren't getting along. All we were doing was fighting. I was tired of all the changing I felt like I was having to do. I even walked out of the house and left for five hours. A little extreme. The rest of the night and the next day was divorce talk. How to handle child custody. Where each of us would live once we separated. Who owed who money. It was like it was really happening. Then by Sunday night he wanted to know why I was wanting a divorce. I told him it wasn't that I wanted a divorce. Its that I loved him too much to give him my father's life. My mom makes him miserable with constant nagging and bitching and negativity and having to have everything her way. She once told me she makes him do so many house projects so that he is too tired to cheat or have sex. That way she gets a nice house and doesn't have to have sex. That is a HORRIBLE attitude and I didn't ever want him to be that miserable. I would never make him feel like he was trapped in a marriage and too tired to do something with his life. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE sex. But its that unhappiness I don't want for him. I could never do that to him.

We agreed to give it six months. If we can't turn things around in our marriage then that was that. We didn't want our daughter to grow up with the attitude of someone holding her back and happiness is something you can't have. And it has been a hard week. We have both been trying to be considerate of each other. Walking on egg shells almost just to make sure we are thinking before we act or talk. Especially me. I love him so much and want to do anything I can to make this work. But if he is happier elsewhere then I would do that too.

J has been very supportive of keeping my marriage together. And that has really been a big help. I wanted to just give up all together last weekend. I just was tired of trying. But this has been a slow and careful week and I hope we are on some kind of right path. We have fought this week and it was very hard not to let the thoughts that he loved her more enter my mind as the cause. But I quickly let the sane side start working and got myself away from that mindset and got back on track. That was the easy thing to blame instead of figuring out what was actually wrong. And it worked. We fought even after that. But J never was mentioned. It was a fight between us and our marriage about our marriage. And it was no one's fault but our own and we both recognized that. And I am glad we are finding some ground to work with.

Thanks all!
 
Hi Ak

I'm following your thread the blog of a Mono wife with some interest because I am one too (sort of although we aren't married :D).

I've come in quite late in the saga so I don't really understand what your underlying problem is. You seem to have accepted his poly status and enjoy your relationship with J. I know it isn't all plain sailing but to go from happy wii nights to talk of divorce papers seems a bit strange? What are you fighting about?

Sage
 
Feeling good

Last night DH, J and I spent the evening curled up on her couch just cuddling and enjoying each other's company. Eventually we made our way out to her porch to enjoy the night air...and mosquitos, lol. Gotta love summer! It felt so great. It was so comfortable.

As we were sitting on the porch I was in a rocking arm chair. they were sitting beside each other across from me, holding hands. And my mind starts going over the evening and what I was watching. And a wonderful feeling came over me. I watched them kiss and rub each others arms and necks and let it sink in how happy they seemed. And how beautiful it all was with us just sitting there. The best part is that I kept waiting to get jealous. I kept waiting to get scared. I kept waiting to wince and find the need to zone out so I wouldn't have to care that someone else was doing these things to my husband. And those feelings didn't come. Not last night while we were there. Not the drive home. And not today.

I didn't have my usual withdrawal. I didn't have my need to cry or have some time to myself like I always have in the past. I don't really know why. I had that slightest twinge that will always be in that little pouch in my gut that lets me know I am still completely and totally in love with my husband. But I don't ever want to loose that twinge so I am not seeking to get rid of that. I know that things are still worth fighting for as long as I feel that. Not that I have to fight...at least not tonight.

Those negative feelings never came not only because of my love for my husband, but because of the bond that I have created with J. I told her today I am starting to see us as more of a triad than a V because we have all grown so close. Her husband is working on his own connection with all of us. It's not really the I'm in love with you thing that we feel for our husbands and what she feels for my DH. It is a very strong emotional link that I would now find near impossible to live without. And it is a love of a different kind. And knowing how much I care about all of them, especially J and DH helped me understand why those feelings never came. Because we were happy.

I told DH all of this stuff as well. And he was elated. He and J have been trying to get me to a good point for awhile and it came last night. Just kind of creeped up on me when I wasn't noticing. I am not saying I am out of the woods yet. I never want to guarantee that. But I can say that I am happy and comfortable with J and DH and I don't think I will see myself melting down about what they have anytime in the near future. Unless I start seeing his love for her outgrow what he feels for me and I am really understanding that it isn't working like that.

I am just enjoying these good feelings. I have missed them.
 
sage said:
I'm following your thread the blog of a Mono wife with some interest because I am one too (sort of although we aren't married :D).

I've come in quite late in the saga so I don't really understand what your underlying problem is. You seem to have accepted his poly status and enjoy your relationship with J. I know it isn't all plain sailing but to go from happy wii nights to talk of divorce papers seems a bit strange? What are you fighting about?

Sage
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Sage,

First of all let me say thank you for following my blog.

Second, I don't know if you have read the very beginning of it all. It hasn't all been acceptance and happiness. It has been a very long and painful journey. somethings have even been so painful and private that only certain people have gotten Private Messages about it. From years of cheating by my husband, including with J, to coming to accept J as someone who is closer than some of my sisters to me has not been easy. It is something I have fought and cried over. I have screamed and thrown fits and wanted out many times because it just wasn't fair. I never asked for this life. I never wanted it. I even mentioned in one post I was left without a choice because the second DH cheated, with any of them, all choices were taken away. It was either divorce or polyamory. And I can't live without him. So I have studied and fought with myself to accept this about him. He fell in love with J and that has been one of the hardest things to accept and understand. Despite the post right before this, I still get a little uncomfortable with them saying it in front of me but it is all still very new for me. It hasn't even been a year. But yes, right now I feel great. you really have to go back and read my old posts on other boards to get the full feel for what I have been through with all of this.

Third, the Wii night actually came after the divorce talk. And the divorce talk I know came alot from me not hearing that my husband loves me and also that my husband has things to work on as well. And he knows that. He gets mad at things that are absurd and I freak out about things that have nothing to do with the argument at hand. We are working on it though. One day at a time.

Thank you
 
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