The "How Are You Doing" Thread (redux)
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A2Poly
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It takes as long as it takes. My last one took years. As long as you are feeling like you are making progress, just allow yourself the time!
A2Poly
New member
I'm really struggling emotionally right now. A mis-step at work 5 years ago is coming back to haunt me, and it has me worrying about what other surprises there are in the past that I don't know about.
On top of that Djinn had a pretty bad reaction to Mal's being with me for Valentines Day. It had all been agreed to and discussed to death before, and she really didn't expect to react at all. But now it has happened I wonder what other landmines there are that we aren't expecting.
So I'm feeling unsettled on both major fronts in my life and coming off surgery last week... I just don't seem to have the capacity to deal with any of it.
On top of that Djinn had a pretty bad reaction to Mal's being with me for Valentines Day. It had all been agreed to and discussed to death before, and she really didn't expect to react at all. But now it has happened I wonder what other landmines there are that we aren't expecting.
So I'm feeling unsettled on both major fronts in my life and coming off surgery last week... I just don't seem to have the capacity to deal with any of it.
InfinitePossibility
New member
Not surprising that you are feeling particularly vulnerable, A2Poly. That's a lot to be going on.
I hope that Djinn finds some peace. It must be harder in some ways with you and she being such close friends. I can understand why she wants to talk to you about her anxieties and surprising problem feelings. At the same time, maybe you are not an appropriate confidante for her or for Mal for these moments? You guys all signed up for this relationship. You do lots of prework before doing new things.
It seems a bit unfair to me in some ways to ask the new person to be the listener when it comes to problematic emotions.
It's understandable that problematic emotions come up but maybe Djinn and Mal could talk them through and deal with them with somebody not so heavily involved?
I know that it helps me to talk through difficult emotions regarding my relationship with somebody other than my partner sometimes. Especially when the difficult emotions are my own - insecurities that have nothing to do with his behaviour or yearnings to be free and single again that come up sometimes (the spring is a common time for me to experience this sort of thing). I feel it would be unfair to share these sorts of passing emotions with my partner - hard for him to hear and upsetting. Also - passing and not really indicative of anything other than the weather in my own head.
IP
I hope that Djinn finds some peace. It must be harder in some ways with you and she being such close friends. I can understand why she wants to talk to you about her anxieties and surprising problem feelings. At the same time, maybe you are not an appropriate confidante for her or for Mal for these moments? You guys all signed up for this relationship. You do lots of prework before doing new things.
It seems a bit unfair to me in some ways to ask the new person to be the listener when it comes to problematic emotions.
It's understandable that problematic emotions come up but maybe Djinn and Mal could talk them through and deal with them with somebody not so heavily involved?
I know that it helps me to talk through difficult emotions regarding my relationship with somebody other than my partner sometimes. Especially when the difficult emotions are my own - insecurities that have nothing to do with his behaviour or yearnings to be free and single again that come up sometimes (the spring is a common time for me to experience this sort of thing). I feel it would be unfair to share these sorts of passing emotions with my partner - hard for him to hear and upsetting. Also - passing and not really indicative of anything other than the weather in my own head.
IP
A2Poly
New member
Well, in fairness, I'm dumping all my current insecurities on her. At least right now we are taking turns! She says that 'the poly' is going well, and I think it is too. Most of the time. But hard emotions are hard. Sigh. It's not the particular incident - which we dealt with - but the idea of this happening again and again. And the unpredictablity of it. We talked a LOT before he came. And it was all going to be fine. And then it wasn't. I want to trust her to know herself better than that, and right now I don't.
I agree about having other confidants. And she does. But I feel more secure when I'm in the loop. Part of my negative reaction around Vday is that while I knew she's was having a hard time I didn't know just how hard a time. I might have made different choices. But I guess it worked out in the end. A week later she was offering to put him back on a plane or come herself to be with me after surgery.
They really do love me. And I them. It's just getting it all sorted out in my head/heart seems so hard right now.
I agree about having other confidants. And she does. But I feel more secure when I'm in the loop. Part of my negative reaction around Vday is that while I knew she's was having a hard time I didn't know just how hard a time. I might have made different choices. But I guess it worked out in the end. A week later she was offering to put him back on a plane or come herself to be with me after surgery.
They really do love me. And I them. It's just getting it all sorted out in my head/heart seems so hard right now.
YouAreHere
Well-known member
Three years (and change) later, I've been reminded just how painful filling out child support paperwork is. Added bonus, now that we're modifying the support order: the need for financial affidavits. Shoot me.
On the plus side, taxes will look easier in comparison.
(Also, RIP Leonard Nimoy... )
On the plus side, taxes will look easier in comparison.
(Also, RIP Leonard Nimoy...
)
nycindie
Active member
Exhausted right now.
Last night, when I got home, I had received my Downton Abbey Season 5 DVD in the mail. I no longer have cable and can't watch TV without it, so I need DVDs to keep up with the show. Anyway, I ordered dinner parked myself in front of the TV, and had my own little Downton Marathon! I watched every single episode, and some bonus features. OMG, the gorgeous clothing! I started about 8pm and finished about 4:00 am. Slept a bit but had to get up at 8-ish to go to work.
Then work today was challenging. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I am so tired.
Last night, when I got home, I had received my Downton Abbey Season 5 DVD in the mail. I no longer have cable and can't watch TV without it, so I need DVDs to keep up with the show. Anyway, I ordered dinner parked myself in front of the TV, and had my own little Downton Marathon! I watched every single episode, and some bonus features. OMG, the gorgeous clothing! I started about 8pm and finished about 4:00 am. Slept a bit but had to get up at 8-ish to go to work.
Then work today was challenging. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I am so tired.
Feeling disappointed, angry, and... something I can't find a word for.
This morning, I stumbled on a few things posted online--on "special interest" groups on a dating site--by someone I'm close to. Things that cross my personal "squick" threshold. I don't generally judge others' fetishes and kinks, but when it's someone who's in *my* life and has been around *my* kids, I have a bit more reason to be judgmental.
I'm not sure whether I'm more upset about what they posted, or about finding out this way rather than them being honest with me. I feel like the person I thought I knew was a mask.
Despite the high value I place on friendship in general and on this person, I don't know if it's worth keeping them in my life. Some of those posts made me sick to my stomach. They're valid fetishes/kinks. Nothing that would harm anyone; nothing illegal; nothing that even directly affects me. But they are something that's causing me to question this person's place in my life.
This morning, I stumbled on a few things posted online--on "special interest" groups on a dating site--by someone I'm close to. Things that cross my personal "squick" threshold. I don't generally judge others' fetishes and kinks, but when it's someone who's in *my* life and has been around *my* kids, I have a bit more reason to be judgmental.
I'm not sure whether I'm more upset about what they posted, or about finding out this way rather than them being honest with me. I feel like the person I thought I knew was a mask.
Despite the high value I place on friendship in general and on this person, I don't know if it's worth keeping them in my life. Some of those posts made me sick to my stomach. They're valid fetishes/kinks. Nothing that would harm anyone; nothing illegal; nothing that even directly affects me. But they are something that's causing me to question this person's place in my life.
AlwaysGrowing
Well-known member
It's been a rough week, personally and professionally. I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though, and have been working on communication surrounding what I need when I'm feeling particularly emotional. It's been a productive dark time, at least.
Have been in daily contact with my lost love, phone calls and sometimes 80 or more whatsapp messages per day. She is in great pain and I care deeply for her and her kids that are caught up in a separation.
But I am in too much pain myself, since she broke up with me, to be able to help her. Our break up pain is too much... so I am trying a period of no contact and it is very very difficult... and im only on day two !
Does it get easier going forwards?....
But I am in too much pain myself, since she broke up with me, to be able to help her. Our break up pain is too much... so I am trying a period of no contact and it is very very difficult... and im only on day two !
Does it get easier going forwards?....
A2Poly
New member
Finally feeling like my brain is not trying to undermine me anymore. Not all better, but more stable.
I wish someone had warned me two things about surgery: drink more water, dehydration is a risk when your body is using so many resourses to heal, and post-op depression is real, and terrifying. My brain has been a pretty scary place to be for the last two weeks.
And I thank whatever g-d you do or don't believe in that I have both Djinn and Mal in my life right now. I'm not sure I would have lived through a that if I'd been alone. It was bad enough with them being so far away, if they hadn't been around at all.... terrifying.
I wish someone had warned me two things about surgery: drink more water, dehydration is a risk when your body is using so many resourses to heal, and post-op depression is real, and terrifying. My brain has been a pretty scary place to be for the last two weeks.
And I thank whatever g-d you do or don't believe in that I have both Djinn and Mal in my life right now. I'm not sure I would have lived through a that if I'd been alone. It was bad enough with them being so far away, if they hadn't been around at all.... terrifying.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
Work is still killing me. Boys are fine. Life happens.
nycindie
Active member
Been fighting a cold since Tuesday. Been taking zinc, Lysine, elderberry, and Airborne every day, and trying to stay hydrated. Not a full-blown cold yet, but I'm feeling crappy, and sniffling and sneezing enough to be really annoyed. I hope it goes away and doesn't get worse because I'm embarking on a pretty intense weight-loss regimen and want to start off healthy!
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A2Poly
New member
Had a great talk with Mal last night about budgets and money. It's hard being on the outside of their money struggles when I'm comfortable (and more than). But it sounds like they've (finally) worked out a system that reduces the conflict AND helps them meet their goals.
And we managed to talk about our travel budget too, which has been a problem for him more than me. It fits easily into my lifestyle, but he has a big 'provider' streak so feels that rarely being able to contribute himself is a problem. But I think we have a forward from there, so that's exciting too.
Talking about money with a partner is completely new to me, I've never shared a budget with anyone before so it is a huge learning experience. But I think I'm getting better at it, and more than that I think learning to talk to me about it is helping him approach it differently with Djinn too. Yay, for poly benefits
And we managed to talk about our travel budget too, which has been a problem for him more than me. It fits easily into my lifestyle, but he has a big 'provider' streak so feels that rarely being able to contribute himself is a problem. But I think we have a forward from there, so that's exciting too.
Talking about money with a partner is completely new to me, I've never shared a budget with anyone before so it is a huge learning experience. But I think I'm getting better at it, and more than that I think learning to talk to me about it is helping him approach it differently with Djinn too. Yay, for poly benefits
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