The journey to myself

Our poly situation is pretty insane right now.

Last year in counselling with me and Idealist we decided we could imagine a future with two homes next door with Idealist splitting time 50/50 (roughly), so that I could have something as close to a traditional couples' cohabitation as possible and Idealist would have something as close to one joint home as possible.
We're basically figuring out ways for him to have two families and still be present - for I'm not gonna share space with Meta. A hallway is as far as I'm willing to go.
Whether Meta is going to accept the shift or not is an issue that we have started addressing. If she won't, I might make him choose. I'm getting closer to being ready to walk despite the couple relationship actually only getting better.

Meanwhile, Meta has started to do holotropic breathwork, which is an intense method of exploring one's psyche, meaning that after years of stagnation she's actually doing personal development work. This allowed us to talk in the first place. But it lead to a rather serious personal crisis. Healing crisis it may be, but crisis nevertheless where she's in need of emotional support and struggling to keep up with her work commitments.

Postponing poly issues till she's more stable may not be an option. First, poly issues probably play a role in her crisis. Second, I'm not willing to risk that either 'more stable' takes a year, or that she gets more stable at the cost of not being willing to try solving anything again.

They (Idealist and Meta) have been to couple therapy too, and they told me I should come along next time, which is Friday. Apparently, the therapist wants to hear it all.

I think I'm just going to be blunt.
 
They (Idealist and Meta) have been to couple therapy too, and they told me I should come along next time, which is Friday. Apparently, the therapist wants to hear it all.
Well that was a rather intense experience.
I must say, they found a really good counsellor. He had the session firmly in his hands so that - with three people all diverging from the topic at hand - the important stuff could be said. I think he's got a good idea about the situation now, and more importantly, Meta does.
They're gonna continue with counselling for their communication issues for a bit and then we do another session to talk about the triangle and it's future in May.
 
I'm a little emotionally shaky today (geez, as if it was an exception). There's just a lot going on on the inside. Again.

So first, poly news ... are non, really. We had another counselling session with all three people present. Finding a way from a place of competition to a place of sustainable cooperation does seem pretty hopeless to me. (Unless one argues that we have, with our four years together, already proven sustainability of even THIS arrangement. Well it does not feel like that. ) The reality is I see conflicting needs for time, and for a certain kind of security in the relationship which seem - well, not zero-sum, but - still not really satisfiable by one person.

I actually was very close to breaking up in April, once more. I think it had to do with me being depressed and anxious overall (which had to do with yet another round of antibiotics). Needless to say I didn't follow through - when I scrolled the 'ok, what next' film before my eyes, I saw that I still wasn't able to. I'd miss it so deeply - the touch, the intellectual conversation, the emotional and spiritual closeness, his optimism and the ropes. In the end, if anything, this episode made me appreciate the relationship more.

I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't and I have to make the very best out of the situation.

Then there is work. Don't get me started on quantum field theory. It's a deeply mathematical and deeply confusing subject - philosophically it pretty much says there are no particles. And it takes two semesters of three 1,5 lectures per week + homework to get the very basic introduction. You're guessing right, I have an exam coming up ;)
Couple that with the rather boring article I was working on for the last several months (which originally should have taken several weeks) which is finally on the finishing line, and you get the idea. It's exciting and utterly exhausting.
I put in some long hours to finish the article asap and have my boss read it before he leaves for most of june, but I can only do that for a couple of days until my body and psyche puts up a wall and makes me work half the time instead. So that's what's happening now.

Speaking vacation, bad luck on that front. I've been very much looking forward to a rope event at the end of June, our first international trip. We were going to travel to France. We had a bus booked.

...
(Trigger warning for this bottom half of this post - bdsm and consent violation.)
...

Well, they are cancelling the event, because of a consent violation affair. Apparently, the organizer, also a leader of a French "sex-positive" space, did some pretty nasty manipulative things to say the very least. I read the testimonial and that's probably the real reason why I'm so emotionally volatile right now.

Sexual consent in general, and in bdsm especially, is pretty tricky if you take into account the fact that sometimes the things you don't really wanna do rationally are the ones that are most arousing when the game is on. Some games lose half of their appeal if you ask for them. Submissivity almost by definition has an element of "I get aroused if you overpower (force, manipulate) me". Helplessness (when supported by trust) is arousing. And power is both appealing and terrifying.

All this means negotiation is not always done in the detail needed. It means good dominants play do push boundaries. It means people are using intuition and accidents are unavoidable.

I know all this yet I'm still pretty bummed by my local community's reaction to consent-violation reports.
I mean, I don't consider a teacher(!) offering to tie a girl for her to experiece rope-bottoming, than inviting her home for the scene, offering alcohol and having sex with her during the scene an accident. I consider that rape. Frankly I don't even care very much if she managed to tell him a no in that moment or not.
She wrote she feels manipulated and that's what I see. Power abuse and hypocrisy.
But the riggers in our small group? They'd all be like "ah, it's just her side of the story, we don't know what kind of communication they had with each other", and "she's incredibly naive she should have recognized that he wants to fuck her". The girls are like 50-50.
Idealist also thinks that "she should be able to have boundaries, if she didn't tell him a no that's her failure", and well, that's probably right, but also that's where the power differential is at play. Damn, if I'm any experienced as a top I can't expect people to hold boundaries properly if they bottom for the first time. It's my responsibility to go slow, full stop.

So yeah, I'm angry about my community's reactions.

The French people seem to be in a different place, although they must have been overlooking the destructive attitudes. Since it's not the first hint about this guy, although likely the most explicit one, they refuse to work with him and the place he founded and ran will be shut down.
That must be a pitty and a loss for the community. I hope they recreate it, like, much better.
And, well, my vacation is cancelled. Too bad.

All this brings memories, of course. Memories of my teenage years when I was not aware enough and didn't have boundaries established yet. I assume nearly everyone has that, the learning experience where they let someone go too far. I had it with a friend... repeatedly, for almost a year. Not sex, fortunately, but close. Yeah, I do feel stupid for that timeframe. He was an important person for me at that time, and arousal was quite an unknown. I didn't know how to say "yeah I do like it on some level but I'd still rather not". And if I did... I sure as hell didn't know how to respond to "why not?". He was older, he should have known better.

I don't exactly need support on that (I care more for you real opinion). The emotions are strong but manageable.
It's more to say, I know power abuse dynamics. It doesn't take much.
There's a deep sadness in that statement.
 
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I had Idealist spend an evening with my parents. For the first time, I believe, though they have met. In fact at one point my mom told me she doesn't want to know Idealist, because I'll surely break up, and she already misses my previous boyfriends. Well, I'd say that's kind of cute. But if we don't break up... are they going to avoid each other for year after year? So I had them meet. They talked about politics and still survived. I think it went great overall.
 
Oh my god, it seems there might be a replacement for our cancelled vacation, with the czech people who intended to go to that event.
And that would be SO GREAT, since I wanted to get closer to the others who do shibari badly. And also, I hate not having plans.
So now I just have to convince Idealist that the programming even he was going to attend instead is not that important ;)
 
I really hope you get to your event!
 
Thanks, Evie. I'm no longer so sure anymore after talking it over with Idealist. We might do well socializing with the group or not, and the venue is quite isolated, not many alternative program options.

Sorry people for the missing words and random changes in word order in my latest posts! It's a bit funny and surely annoying too. It happens to me when I'm tired and reformulating my sentences.
 
.... .....

So I went on adventure exploring my dominant side, after quite some time. I invited out a friend of mine whom I know to be submissive and single.
We did a very short rope scene. He's a sweetheart. He's been wonderful in his inexperienced innocence. I loved him helpless.
I wanted to go all in, not holding back on emotional intimacy, and he went with it bravely.

Seems I succeeded - I could feel myself kinda falling in love the next day. Except I know it's not a really good idea to start a relationship there. So I'm holding myself back. It feels really bittersweet.
 
Seems I succeeded - I could feel myself kinda falling in love the next day. Except I know it's not a really good idea to start a relationship there. So I'm holding myself back. It feels really bittersweet.
I went on posting in the relationships corner about how to handle this, and I even arrived at a decision, but as soon as I wrote about it, I realized what's actually so painful about the situation. It's knowing that this man could offer me exactly what's so hard to achieve with Idealist: A stable home, reliability in practical matters, "a future". What he can't offer me is exactly what I have: sexual dominance, a sense of strength and ownership and a place to be weak in, a sensitivity to the spiritual and a passion for growth, the unwavering safety of being with someone who can meet my darkest sides non-judgmentally. They are in a sense very complementary. Yet missing the second set of qualities in a life-partner is still unacceptable to me. I know from previous experience that with time I would feel confined by the one who's reliable yet has a rigid outlook on what life should be like, and I would in effect mistreat him badly. Been there done that. So I absolutely can't have both in these different people. Yet it's so painful to reject the stability and reliability I've been craving, the good family life without the obstacles of a metamour in the mix, in favor of what I currently have (and need!) in terms of being seen, accepted and owned.

Romance, you're being plain cruel today.
 
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We went on vacation with Idealist.

We did some cycling and a holotropic breathwork seminar. I did lot of emotional work there, attempted to release some family trauma. Idealist has his own stuff. It was nice to support each other. Then we went on cycling. Life is good.
 
I have to spend some more time thinking about the intent and boundaries I have with my dear Friend, with whom I decided to explore DS.

We did do a second scene a week ago, and we're getting somewhat more relationship-y since. Like exchanging texts and emails, and seeing each other in a public setting today, and now he's asking to do a specific scene which is probably not quite my kink so it feels confusing.

The most confusing part is, the romantic part of NRE has mostly vanished, so now I feel him like a friend whom I want to touch, but not necessarily meet more often then once in a week, or two, or three. Like, we've exchanged two texts a day and it already feels like too much too fast :eek: So back to sentence one, I'm gonna have to figure stuff out.
 
I broke up the relationship with Friend last Thursday. There was not enough passion on my side to continue at the level of closeness he wanted. I felt immediately relieved, however, I do miss him daily, and I was also deeply sad.

Also, in the past week(s) profoundly difficult emotional topics are surfacing for me, the issue of loneliness, and the issue of not being able to meet expectations. I feel maybe I was leaning on Idealist little too much, which right now leaves me this forum for a vent.

I just unexpectedly ran full speed into the feeling of not being able to ___ . In this case I'm expected to master a computer code that has little to no documentation ... and of course my colleague is sure that I can manage because after all he managed. Doesn't matter that I already tried and more or less failed. Doesn't matter my programming background is more or less zero. Doesn't matter this is the kind of problem that's endlessly frustrating to me.

I guess I'll have to speak up, but that's not easy, because there's so little work behind me. I was hoping to FINALLY get to do analytical calculations, but I don't have confidence even there. I feel that's what I like, but definitely not something I excel at in comparison to others.

Oh, to hell with that. I signed up for a physics phd. I guess it's part of the package, although my volatile emotions make it all much more of a struggle then it is for more stable people. I really need an alternative plan for my life (even if I happen to not use it after all). I haven't been able to come up with any, not really, but that's not a thing I can give up on.
 
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Wild, wild country

This is an incredible documentary series.
http://oshorajneesh.com/wild-wild-country-watch-free-online/

I deals with the 80's Osho commune in Oregon, an attempt of setting up a whole CITY for Osho and his followers, and how some of the community leaders went off the path into organized crime.
Wanna see a clash of cultures and collective ego's? How about an adorable lady who attempted murder speaking honestly of her crime? The most foolish attempt to misuse the voting system?
Moral: If you're building a 'spiritual' community, don't leave your followers unsupervised ;)

It seems the documentary does a good job in showing both sides (although none of osho's teaching is presented). Highly recommended.
 
Changes on the horizon ... or maybe not

Meta is pregnant.
Yes, at 44.
It was no surprise, thanks to science, she had eggs donored.
Although I knew, it's still taking me by surprise.
She's three months in, and I'm only now having an emotional reaction. Previously, I haven't been able to respond. It was almost as if always when I started to think about the child or how it's going to affect us a cloud of unconsciousness came down on me and the mind distracted itself immediately.
The response I had these past two days was one of intense emotional pain. I must have hoped (well, sometimes at least) that Idealist will choose me after all. Now, even if their relationship breaks down (which it periodically looks like it will, but never does), she's always there as a co-parent.

I'm not sure what will come out of this, whether I'm finally breaking up, or whether I'm accepting the (polygamous) reality.

Now, before everyone starts to remind me that I should not stay in a relationship (shape) that doesn't suit me, let me put straight that Idealist (with all the occasional distance) is the closest relationship emotionally I've ever had, including my relationships with my parents. It feels like he's been the first and only one ever to accept me including my sorrow, my passion, my anger, my submissiveness, my weakness, my overthinking, my contradictions and my attachment. He has his flaws (huge ones), but he's pretty unique in that ability. To just go find someone else... doesn't work that well. It's more like I risk losing that forever. Which feels like I'll suffocate.

... help?
 
Meta is pregnant.
It feels like he's been the first and only one ever to accept me including my sorrow, my passion, my anger, my submissiveness, my weakness, my overthinking, my contradictions and my attachment.

How very fortunate you are to have that. Many people live their whole lives and never experience (and feel) being so completely loved.

... help?

I don't think I have anything in particular to offer which may be of help. I haven't read all of the relevant posts and don't really know the back story. But I can say you're blessed to know you are loved in all of your various feeling and mood states and so fully accepted and appreciated for your whole person-ness. I hope that emphasis will help. It's what I've got.
 
This is an incredible documentary series.
http://oshorajneesh.com/wild-wild-country-watch-free-online/

I deals with the 80's Osho commune in Oregon, an attempt of setting up a whole CITY for Osho and his followers, and how some of the community leaders went off the path into organized crime.
Wanna see a clash of cultures and collective ego's? How about an adorable lady who attempted murder speaking honestly of her crime? The most foolish attempt to misuse the voting system?
Moral: If you're building a 'spiritual' community, don't leave your followers unsupervised ;)

It seems the documentary does a good job in showing both sides (although none of osho's teaching is presented). Highly recommended.

I binge watched the entire series during the summer -- in ONE day. Yes, I really did do that! It was amazing.
 
That's a very big change to your life, to your lives. I am not surprised it's been a blur until now.

Since you're all living together, a baby is going to be a massive impact on your life. I'm not surprised you're having an emotional reaction. Another person is being added to the whole relationship, and right now it's all very much an unknown as to what that will look and feel like in 6 months. I'd be distressed, too. I hope Idealist is doing all those emotionally supportive things, and accepting that you are feeling strongly about this. And the timing, ugh. PhDs are hard enough without other massive changes. I hope you're enjoying it, though. I guess my only actual suggestion is to also put some focus on building or renewing your in-person social circle, among other grad students or the poly etc. communities around you. Therefore you'll have more adults to hang out with when baby becomes a huge focus at home.

As for hoping Idealist would choose you, I take it that means exclusively? So, with baby on the way and Meta always going to be at least a coparent then you have some grieving to do. I suggest diving headlong into that grief, IME it speeds up the process if you don't try and fight it or berate yourself for it.

P.s. I hope that computer code is making sense by now.
 
I can say you're blessed to know you are loved in all of your various feeling and mood states and so fully accepted and appreciated for your whole person-ness. I hope that emphasis will help. It's what I've got.
Thanks :) I am well aware. Of course there are also still areas in which I'm not being accepted, so that remains my job ;), but Idealist has helped my wholeness incredibly.
 
That's a very big change to your life, to your lives. I am not surprised it's been a blur until now.

Since you're all living together, a baby is going to be a massive impact on your life.
We're not living together, which is part of the problem. I don't want to live with Meta. So the baby is making any long-term living arrangement that much more difficult. Also while I didn't mind asking Idealist to split time when it was between partners on kinda equal footing (it's his time to offer, I can take it or leave it, she can take it or leave it), 'pulling away' a father from his family (him being willing or not) feels that much more ethically questionable.
I guess my only actual suggestion is to also put some focus on building or renewing your in-person social circle, among other grad students or the poly etc. communities around you. Therefore you'll have more adults to hang out with when baby becomes a huge focus at home.

As for hoping Idealist would choose you, I take it that means exclusively? So, with baby on the way and Meta always going to be at least a coparent then you have some grieving to do. I suggest diving headlong into that grief, IME it speeds up the process if you don't try and fight it or berate yourself for it.
Yes, that's spot on. Thanks.
And the timing, ugh. PhDs are hard enough without other massive changes. I hope you're enjoying it, though.
Oh no, the timing is fine. A PhD is four years, you can't put life on hold for that long. I'm not writing up yet, that's next year. It's stressful because of all the self-doubt, but in terms of deadlines my Master's was harder.
P.S. I hope that computer code is making sense by now.
No way :D I'll find a way to drop that task sooner of later. Thanks for asking.
 
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P.S. I hope that computer code is making sense by now.
No way :D I'll find a way to drop that task sooner of later. Thanks for asking.
I'll drop it 'easily'. I'm quitting, or at least taking a good break from my phd.



I just spent a month ill in bed and I still feel tired when I think of work. So today I wrote an email to my supervisor saying I'm going to finish my state examination in February and then I'm gone, as is my passion for science. I think I'm totally burned out.


The idea behind still taking the exam was that I'll be able to get back and finish it after I give my head and body a good rest - although now I'm thinking about not even finishing this last exam and just calling it quits for good, whatever may happen, happens.
I'll sleep on that.
 
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