From
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=414623
Thanks for the question, Magdlyn.
You are right to point out anxiety, I'm sure some of the distrust is distrust in myself, however, there are big structural problems in the relationship.
For one, Idealist is a man with a huge bandwidth of emotion and behaviour, ranging from great and sensitive to very disagreeable and downright disrespectful. People tend to love him or hate him, and the feedback I get from my friends is also mixed - the most common critique being that he's stepping over people's boundaries. Which he is, and he doesn't see it as such, which is a real problem. It means at times I have to put in considerable effort and things have to really escalate into conflict and tears before he understands/believes a limit of mine. Saying is just not enough. This is demanding, and one big reason to distrust.
I don't think Idealist is unique in this, how we need to bash men over the heads to get them to understand our boundaries. I've had to do this with my ex h, and I've just been speaking to a woman today who also has this problem with her bf! You need to repeat the same request over and over, and say it and say it, and yell it, and cry and make a big fucking deal, sometimes for years, before they believe you, that no, you really mean it, it's not minor, it's not negotiable!
In my case, one smallish thing stands out. My ex h used to do this thing: I'd be at the sink washing dishes, zoning out, and he'd sneak up behind me and wham! dig his fingers into my ribs, shocking me and tickling me. He thought it was such fun! I HATED IT! So fucking annoying. Just because I shrieked and laughed did NOT mean I found it fun! He thought of it as affectionate teasing. I guess my hourglass figure just looked too good from behind for him to resist? I know this went on for 20 years because I can remember him doing it at our second house which we bought in 1995. And we met in 1974. But finally finally somehow in our final years together, I got him to stop doing it.
So, men. are stupid. Not just Idealist. One reason I so love living with a woman. (But I am bi, dunno if you are lol) Women can take a hint. We pick up on subtle clues... Anyway, no advice, just commiseration. Men can't take a hint, and even straight talk and even yelling can take years to get a message through their thick skulls. It's extremely frustrating.
The second reason is the poly situation. I guess my biggest sticking point is: "I would like to live with him, but not her" ... and they live together. And he isn't fond of back and forth between homes. And I'm thinking about children too (although I don't feel quite up to it yet), and I'm worried that he can't be there as a father if he has another home. And yes, there is competition between me and Meta, because we do want the same stuff (like a man who's present at night and as a father). In short, I'm not very fond of the poly arrangement.
Yes, if you want a husband every night all night, poly isn't the solution. There is a degree of sharing and compromise necessary. Although I was mono with my husband, and he'd get home... eventually. But his job required very late nights at crunch times, and sometimes he'd get so busy he'd just sleep at the office on a couch. And that was NOT fun at bedtime, once we had 3 kids! It would take me an hour and a half or more to get the kids to bed, when they were 5, 3 and a newborn, and all needed different kinds of care, baths, books, potty, diapers, nursing, singing, rocking... I just couldn't be in 3 places at once. And then he'd be upset if I was exhausted when he got home and too tired for late night TV, or sex?
I dunno if Idealist and Meta are planning on more than one kid? She's 44? Maybe just one kid is enough. So bedtime won't be that complicated. One parent can handle one kid OK. Of course the first year is a lot of work even with one kid, but it shouldn't be that horrible. Maybe a couple nights a week he can still spend the night with you. Not in the first 6 weeks (if the baby is term and healthy), but after that, once Baby is "settled" a bit.
Third, I have a lot of insecurity about my life in general. I don't know if I'll continue my physics career, but if I do, that probably means going abroad for some time. Which is at conflict with having children, and also at conflict with the relationship, since he's not coming along. Overall, I have no idea how really I want to live my life, which is a source of insecurity.
I'm also unsure if I'm still me next to him, or if I'm adjusting too much.
We all spend our 20s and 30s figuring out how to live our lives, and it doesn't really end in our 30s. I did twist myself to be with my ex h though, and make myself smaller to try to help his insecurities. It's a regret in some ways, but life is never perfect, on the other hand.
Most significantly, there's a huge opportunity cost involved with this relationship.
If he was monogamous (if I dated someone monogamous), for sure we would be living together now (and he would be paying half of the costs, not just contributing).
Well, that's wishful thinking. There is no "for sure" about you having found a mono and live-in partner who could afford a 50-50 financial split, by now, if you weren't with Idealist.
It would be us thinking about having a child.
He might be more open to changing his ways of life to accommodate my career, like moving to some other country for a year or two (as physics graduates usually have to do).
You "might" have met a man who wanted a kid, who would be willing and able to move, there's no definite.
You could still be dating others while being partnered with Idealist? Or not. Could be Open on your side and his side both? Not just his side?
And perhaps I'd have a better relationship with my family of origin. And possibly, having a simpler life (relationship) would even help my mental health.
I love this man, but is it really worth it?
My most real answer to this question is, it doesn't matter, because I can't leave. I would be destroyed if I did. I seriously doubt I could function. I've contemplated breaking up for every one and all the above-mentioned reasons, and I've never been able to.
There's a part of me that wants him no matter what (I think she's about 13). I know this is based on a need, not adult love. She doesn't care about career and kids and compatible life goals and even poly.
I also know he has a part like that too. We're two lost kids who have found each other.
It's beauty in hell. Have you, dear readers of my blog, ever felt that way?
I'd have to say all life is parts heaven and parts hell. My partner Pixi is heavenly (she's not perfect, but pretty great, and I'm not perfect either!) and sometimes I taste heaven with men, but often I feel dissed and violated by them (just recently it's been extremely difficult, with 3 guys I've dated or attempted to date, in fact). And my life with my ex h was sometimes great and sometimes sucked. I think it's unrealistic to expect constant bliss, ever.
I've lived a pretty long life at this point. Being with my husband in a mono arrangement wasn't being 100% true to myself, but it was a phase I needed, I guess? There's always time for change, to move on to better partners...
I've done a lot of therapy to learn to be true to myself, to take chances and risks for a better life. I'm sure I'd still be stuck with that man if I hadn't done some hard work with my last therapist, and started exploring more healthy options.