The Struggling Mono Thread

Another thing to think about -- people respect people who respect themselves. You feel like you don't have much to offer as a partner... that's not true, everyone has a unique and valuable heart, body and mind to share, BUT... if you're incapable of standing up for yourself, you actually *do* have less to give because you're not building a two-way relationship you're just passively accepting what you're given. It's a little counter-intuitive, because standing up for yourself can in fact lead to rejection, but it makes you a far more valuable partner in the end. And if he does reject you for expressing your needs then what sort of person is he, really?

No one can give you the right words to say, unfortunately, because we're not in the situation ourselves. However, you can probably find many good starting places for conversations by reading through www.morethantwo.com, which covers a myriad of poly topics. It may also help to spend a little time defining what you each mean by various terms. "Primary" or "lover" might mean different things to each of you, and if you don't know that you're not really communicating.

Good luck!
 
Thanks, Annabel.

I really like that site you showed me. Maybe I'll send him the link to it so maybe he can read some stuff for himself. ( as he likes to show me a definition list and then tell me that's what poly's about, maybe it's time I show him what I've learned!)

:) Signing up for this site has been the best thing I've done. I'm really glad that I'm not only getting to talk to people who may have been in my situation, but others from other aspects who can help me out.

It was really tough trying to figure things out on my own, with no reference.

I'm going to try and speak with him when I see him, and discuss where our relationship is going, and ask for some compromises to help me out in this difficult situation.

And, I'm hoping I get a positive reaction from him, and I hope he is willing to really make the effort to try and help me through his lifestyle, and create something I can feel a little more comfortable with.

It has always been about me making things better for him, but never for myself. It's time I try to actually get something done for me.


Thank you all. :) I'll keep you guys updated.
 
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A boundary is more like an agreement to me, rather than a guideline. When someone tells me what their boundaries are they are asking me to agree not to cross them. I can either agree not to or say what my boundaries are and see if we can meet in the middle. If we can't, as is the case with a lot of mono/poly relationships, then that is compromising to me. I can compromise my boundaries for only so long. Compromising feels uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable doesn't feel good for long periods of time. Ultimatums are, as was said before, "either you do this or its over." There is no room for ultimatums in poly I don't think... or vetos... which are essentially saying the same thing as an ultimatum but are usually mutually agreed upon before anyone needs to make an ultimatum.

I don't find morethantwo any better than a whole slew of other sites on line. I'm not sure I get the constant reference. I think it should be in your sig Annabel. It kinda makes you look like you are the writer or something though... I'm not sure I understand your investment in Franklin's stuff. :confused: For another thread perhaps? Sorry for the derailment.
 
Mookitten, I'm glad to see that you're seeing the wisdom in standing up for yourself. A relationship with someone is a two-way street: you give to him, and he gives to you.

If, as a result of standing up for yourself, the relationship ends, then it ends. It will hurt for awhile, but the world will keep turning, the sun will keep coming up, and in time, you WILL find someone else. It most certainly does NOT mean that you are any kind of failure or that you are unworthy in some way.

Remember what I told you earlier? A confident woman is *sexy*. Confident women make me melt. Confident women make my knees go wobbly. Confident women take my breath away. Just the thought of kissing a confident woman sends a frisson through me.

Be a confident woman (but do it for yourself, not for some schmuck on the internet whom you haven't even met!).

MT
 
Does anyone know the status of Sage? I haven't seen her around in while.

Last I heard she was going to fully embrace the poly lifestyle and find an additional partner(s).
 
Hi dinged heart
I'm busy with work and study so polyamory has taken a back seat. I tried ok Cupid but it made me very unsettled and I could see it threatening my relationship with Z because part of me still longed for that perfect mono love. So both of us took down our profiles and Z agreed to keep his polyamory as minimal as possible. He has his long distance love who he sees a few times a year and that's it. It's a compromise for us both but it seems to be working, hence I really have nothing to write about. Best wishes to all xxx Sage
 
When i meet my husband I told him as his friend I was poly. I loaned him books, read him MANY of my postings on it and he knew before marriage i partispated in Poly support groups/dinners. He also knew i don't do one night stands , hooks ups, or casual sex well at all.

All during our dating, and eventual marriage , Never did i ever pretend to be mono, or would be. But in his head he thought marriage meant I would change who i was.

After marriage I still kept my blog and shared videos, articles, videos, and went to my support meetings. I never dated anyone during our marriage. i just hadn't met anyone I bonded with. However when I told him of one gent who was already partners with 2 women i adored, I exspressed interest to see if we clicked deeper...he accused me of cheating.


I never once cheated, on any level. I never pretended to be something i was not. We are seperated now. Live apart..ironically it was him whom cheated on me several times. LONG before the discussion of the other gent was brought up.


Needless to say I wont regret it. I won't be mono ever again. Ive tried it. Was always faithful, loyal, loving gf. Everyone of them cheated and lied and left. I really have no interest in dating anyone mono/or poly who doesn't have the ability to love me for me.
 
Reply to a fellow mono person about sex and sharing a partner when you give yourself to only one.

"Your views on sex are the same as mine…or least were the same as mine. I compare it to when I collected comics. Value was associated with limited circulation copies. The more people who had the same issue the less its value becomes. Sound familiar? The thing is, if I was collecting for the right reasons I would have focused on the enjoyment I took from the stories and wouldn’t have cared about how many others were enjoying it. Because being able to enjoy the story is more important than keeping it locked away to preserve its “artificial value”.
I am in no way saying that a person who gives himself or herself to one person is not sharing an amazing gift – they are. But with a poly person they can share that gift with many and feel the same joy and rewards as someone who only shares it with one. They appreciate every experience as unique. YOU are unique.
I think I have worked through the value aspect of sex when it is not exclusive. For me, the visualization of someone breathing and seeing the same things I do when me and Redpepper have sex with other men is what bothers me. I’m no homophobe, but I still get a little turned off by the idea of someone else’s penis going the same place my face does…except her husband, he’s different. I want them to have sex because I think it is a sign of a healthy marriage. I think I am also working through this too.
My biggest concern is if a person has not felt love returned the same way they give it. I was married monogamously for 15 great years (the last three I lost connection and hurt a lot of people). I have that to relate to. Experienced it and enjoyed all the “normal” things associated with that poly is far away from achieving at this point.
What do you want from the relationship? Can it be achieved with a poly person? Think about this because the answers will tell you if this is worth the work. And it is a lot of work to be sure.
Hope this helps. Your relationships are destined to change over time no matter what dynamic you have. It’s just different things than partners that cause those changes."

Peace and Love
Mono
 
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Thank You For Sharing

Posted my original questions in this thread (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=70585) and having just finished the 24 pages in this one, it has certainly helped to read vodkafan, sage, and other's experiences to feel less unique. The relationship I am in now was prefaced by 4 years alone and I thought that I was in an emotional healthy place only to realize that the self-esteem issues I have had nearly since birth, are still there and need to be dealt with before I can ever truly love another. Appreciate the insight, wisdom, and experiences that all have shared here...
 
Hi Jurgenk

Welcome and I’m glad our musings, insights, tears and struggles have helped. I don’t come on here much anymore because after 6 years in my polymono relationship I can truly say that I am largely at peace with it. Ultimately for me this has come about by exploring polyamory for myself. I have had a number of poly relationships, and while each has helped in its own way my heart remains largely mono. While my poly partner is empowered and uplifted by his other relationships overall, I am inevitably drained, confused and hurt by them. Of course there are patches of joy but the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides, whereas the opposite is true for Mike.

I follow this thread so if I can be of any further help just sing out.

Sage
 
Thank you for the welcome sage and for many of the thoughts that you have written as they have helped... I know that if I was to explore an open/poly relationship for myself at this time, it would simply lead to internal conflict as I need to learn the fill the sometimes yawning chasm in myself before asking anyone else to peer over the edge in fear.
 
Yes I understand the logic of that and that was my initial intention as well.What I discovered was that it set up a resentment in me because I felt like I was prepared to do a lot of difficult self-work that Mike was not, so I just counsel you to be gentle and nurturing of yourself. There is also a very good polymono support group on yahoo groups.

Sage
 
Hi NYCindie
Yes well I have thought about doing a second edition
And include what I have discovered over the last few
Years, because the first book was very much from my
Experience as a newbie. Then I think about all the work
Involved for what is a very small market and as a result
Gave away a lot of copies to the polymonos on yahoo.

I'm currently writing erotica, which is a lot more fun ;)
 
Hi Jurgenk

Welcome and I’m glad our musings, insights, tears and struggles have helped. I don’t come on here much anymore because after 6 years in my polymono relationship I can truly say that I am largely at peace with it. Ultimately for me this has come about by exploring polyamory for myself. I have had a number of poly relationships, and while each has helped in its own way my heart remains largely mono. While my poly partner is empowered and uplifted by his other relationships overall, I am inevitably drained, confused and hurt by them. Of course there are patches of joy but the downsides seem to outweigh the upsides, whereas the opposite is true for Mike.

I follow this thread so if I can be of any further help just sing out.

Sage

So without reading the pages and pages and pages....are you saying you turned to mono? Im currently getting divorced...as is my partner (we were secondaries)....but he wants to stay poly, I don't. I don't believe in it for ME much at all anymore.
 
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