Too New

polynewb said:
In a brief conversation yesterday with Kile, he said he and his primary have decided l can see Kile once a fortnight. l wasn't included in the conversation. I know for me to make it a meaningful connection it won't be enough.
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Yeah, that's the amount of time he can dedicate. It was bad hinging on his part telling you "they" had decided. This means he doesn't decide what he does with his time in relationships. If you do see him every 2 weeks, and over the next year it does grow, she will be "helping" him make decisions. I'd nope out of that one, because chances are good he would end it with you anyway, when things got too close.

It sounds like they aren't polyamorous, but are more "open"-- open to having things on the side that don't become meaningful. If you are cool with that, then enjoy! If not, end it now before wasting your time.
 
Kile & l have spoken, i told him that once a week is required to build a meaningful relationship. He said the fortnight was to start so he can work out his new job & shifts, to set the weekly get together. As l am giving the adjustment time, weve agreed to sustain our times apart with phones calls & texting. I do have another guy Gerald l am only seeing for chill & sex. I am preparing myself. Kile seems genuine about nurturing our polything.
 
Bobbi said:
Yeah, that's the amount of time he can dedicate. It was bad hinging on his part telling you "they" had decided. This means he doesn't decide what he does with his time in relationships. If you do see him every 2 weeks, and over the next year it does grow, she will be "helping" him make decisions.
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Well, yeah, generally when you're polyamorous, but in a nesting partner situation, with jobs, bills to pay, a house to run (cleaning, organizing and maintenance), responsibilities to others, such as elders or kids or siblings with health issues, etc., other people's needs will dictate how much time you have for your poly partners. I mean, that's just common sense-- reality.
Bobbi said:
I'd nope out of that one, because chances are good he would end it with you anyway, when things got too close.

It sounds like they aren't polyamorous, but are more "open"-- open to having things on the side that don't become meaningful. If you are cool with that, then enjoy! If not, end it now before wasting your time.
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polynewb said:
Kile & l have spoken. I told him that once a week is required to build a meaningful relationship. He said the fortnight was to start with, so he can work out his new job & shifts, to set the weekly get together. As l am giving the adjustment time, we've agreed to sustain our times apart with phones calls & texting. Kile seems genuine about nurturing our poly thing.
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I don't think it's out of the question to only see someone every two weeks at the beginning of a relationship, or in a time when life is very busy. Definitely if you two keep clicking and circumstances on Kile's side calm down a bit, this time together could increase. :) Sometimes patience pays off. Try to keep an open mind, listen to your gut, keep reading poly resources, work on your own communication skills, and encourage Kile to detangle from his wife to the extent that she doesn't come up in your conversations with him all the time.
 
Thanks, Mags. I don't mind being patient. And resources are helping. Kile's life has many layers and my life has its own challenges. We have potential. I like idea that it takes time for things to calm & settle. We have established the value of a consistent time. We will be talking about reducing referencing his wife. I am unsure how l can encourage his unentangling from NP. I am always looking at different topics to chat with him to create our own vibes. I also understand that his work changes come with adjustments. I just have to remember my own emotional well-being is important. Kile understands regular meetups are vital to maintaining & nurturing our poly relationship.

You always sound like a voice of reason in the wilderness of my poly journey. Thank you.

Warm regards,
Tania
 
Hi Kevin,

I am getting a feeling Kile is fully entangled by NP. But what can l do or say to change it without becoming overmanipulating? Ask about detangling?

It almost felt like it was flowing. What's the point of me reading the material if he isn't managing to do this too? I think he just doesn't have the bandwidth. l want more and he says he is willing to try. Frustrated.
 
Yeah, sometimes you have to wait for the right time to bring something up, like it has to flow with the conversation, and not just come out of nowhere. I don't blame you for being frustrated, it is hard to see him entangled with NP, and not know how to steer him in another direction. He is in a time of transition, try to be patient as he slowly eases into a new normal.
 
Kevin, it does feel like he is consulting with her. I really adore him. & now there is more shift changes. I keep bringing in the idea of that once a week is vital. I have considered walking away. And yes l know l need him to normalize. Ive booked myself into a workshop on poly.
 
That's unfortunate that he is consulting her, his relationship with you should be between you and him, he should not be asking her what to do. It is frustrating for you, you do not know whether to give him time to normalize, or walk away. He needs to understand that once a week is vital.
 
Hey Kevin
As she is more polyexperienced, she has a strong influence, & l have been respectful towards her as have not established if she has veto. So how do broach a conversation re: becoming less tangled. As they work close around their Shiftwork, hectic household etc. Kile & l getting that once a week with a possible additional time.
 
It is hard to broach a conversation on becoming less tangled. Really the only thing you can do, is ask him to read the Most Skipped Step when Opening a Relationship. It does a good job of putting entanglement into perspective. But how to bring that up in a conversation, I don't know.
 
Challenging yes. Getting him to read the skipping stuff will be a challenge too. Currently due to different attachment styles, his communication style doesnt match mine even though l have told him how anxious l become when l dont hear from regularly. Makes me sound like a broken record. Ive decided if l cant sort this, may have to leave this relationship.
Thanks for being supportive.
 
It is hard when you have to determine whether this relationship is viable for you. You need him to set aside time once a week, but I can't tell whether he is just stalling while getting used to his new work schedule. Also you need to establish whether she has veto, if she does that puts you on thin ice.
 
He keeps saying how important it is to set the once a week. Currently its all words. Last week was ok. This week family issue. Which came with legit reason. Now says next Wed is good. But now l am unsure. I dont know bout the veto. That puts me on the edge. But because the shifts have changed l dont know if he is stalling, what can l ask to clarify. Yesterday l was ready to walk away today l am weary, annoyed & frustrated, sad.
 
I am sorry you are feeling weary, annoyed, frustrated, and sad. Ask him if he is just stalling, or if he is serious about once a week. Point out that it's mostly just words at this time. You need more than that.
 
Hi Kevin, l'd rather be in the same room to ask but at this point its not happening. Maybe a phone call. Though he says we have next week Thursday & Sunday. So do l sit tight. As l dont feel calm, going to see a therapist who specializes in polyamory. Thank you again. Its a pity this forum doesnt have a Zoom like chatroom. Place to bounce things around in real time.
 
That's sadly ironic, that you need him to talk to you in person more, but you can't tell him that as you couldn't do it in person. Sorry Polyamory.com doesn't have a chatroom, to be honest we are short of a participating admin as it is. If you could contact him via Zoom that would be awesome, but I know that might not be possible. Just tell him you need to talk to him more if possible, tell him whenever you can.
 
Thanks Kevin. It feels like he is stalling. Perhaps he cannot admit its not possible for him to meet my needs, he doesnt like giving up, he has taken more responsibilities around the house as well.
If we meet on Thursday, & l am saying "if".. I will have to ask what he expects from me or l can ask what is it that l give you?. I very much adore him. I went to movies to give my overthinking brain a rest, awakening moment, if he has such a full life what does he want with me? He has said he & his Np wanted to open their relationship, & would each seek one other person to focus on & adore.
I am flummoxed. Hoping my therapist will provide me some insight.
 
It sounds like he is stalling, maybe he wants more than he can fit on his plate. You have told him he needs to see you once a week, that isn't going to change. Maybe he is in denial about that. I know you adore him, he is probably perfect for you in every way except this one little thing. Only it's not so little.
 
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