Torn about partner travelling overseas with other partner

Another update: I'm feeling frustrated again. Yes, in theory Pisces and I can communicate freely now because of his roaming. But in reality, the 9 hour time difference sucks. We barely both have many waking hours to really communicate, and it feels like he is texting me in snatches of moments when his other partner Blue isn't around, or when he is out and about waiting for a train, or taking photos. I know he has the good intentions, however, it's not terribly emotionally satisfying. Just now, I had slept in a bit, because I had been up late (texted with him at 1am here, 10am there), and so when I went to text with him, we got three texts in, and then he messages "Blue has just joined me for dinner, be back in a bit!".
I must admit, I don't love being bumped the second the other partner comes into the space. Logically I get it - she is there in person, and I'm not, and it's important she is the focus. But I have a mild pet peeve in poly (well, in general), that the person on the phone or in the texting side automatically gets bumped the moment the person in real life arrives. Is there a happy medium? She is with him all day & night (unless he is out on his own to take photos), so gets tons of his time and focus right now. I can't have some uninterrupted time with him where there is always the risk of someone coming in, or him having to catch a train or a sunset? She has had lots of solo/private/alone time at their hotel when he goes out, which enables her to have relaxed private time to communicate with any and all of her people back home, and he hasn't had any private/alone time in the hotel yet (for either himself, or for a relaxed chat with me in the quiet of the room). I have asked for this, and he says he will try to make alone time for a long call, but has yet to do anything about it.

Just frustrating. I know this is the first time this situation is happening with the three of us, so know that things could likely be done differently/better, but am not sure how yet. A thorough debrief is likely needed after this time. Meantime, I'm now back to feeling like I just want to cut off all communication, instead of constantly waiting/grabbing snatches of started but interrupted conversations at wonky hours a couple of times a day.... :-(
 
Another update: I'm feeling frustrated again. Yes, in theory Pisces and I can communicate freely now because of his roaming. But in reality, the 9 hour time difference sucks. We barely both have many waking hours to really communicate, and it feels like he is texting me in snatches of moments when his other partner Blue isn't around, or when he is out and about waiting for a train, or taking photos. I know he has the good intentions, however, it's not terribly emotionally satisfying. Just now, I had slept in a bit, because I had been up late (texted with him at 1am here, 10am there), and so when I went to text with him, we got three texts in, and then he messages "Blue has just joined me for dinner, be back in a bit!"

I must admit, I don't love being bumped the second the other partner comes into the space. Logically, I get it. She is there in person, and I'm not, and it's important she is the focus. But I have a mild pet peeve in poly (well, in general), that the person on the phone or in the texting side automatically gets bumped the moment the person in real life arrives. Is there a happy medium? She is with him all day & night (unless he is out on his own to take photos), so gets tons of his time and focus right now. I can't have some uninterrupted time with him where there is always the risk of someone coming in, or him having to catch a train or a sunset? She has had lots of solo/private/alone time at their hotel when he goes out, which enables her to have relaxed private time to communicate with any and all of her people back home, and he hasn't had any private/alone time in the hotel yet (for either himself, or for a relaxed chat with me in the quiet of the room). I have asked for this, and he says he will try to make alone time for a long call, but has yet to do anything about it.
Is this a working vacation for Pisces? Does he have time for a long phone call with you, or really not? I know you're not panicking, this just needs some tweaking. Three weeks is a long time for a couple who've only been together 10 months, though. I get it. You're probably still yearning for him in NRE at least somewhat.
Just frustrating. I know this is the first time this situation is happening with the three of us, so know that things could likely be done differently/better, but am not sure how yet. A thorough debrief is likely needed after this time. Meantime, I'm now back to feeling like I just want to cut off all communication, instead of constantly waiting/grabbing snatches of started but interrupted conversations at wonky hours a couple of times a day.... :-(
I can see this needs to be fine-tuned. It's the first time so it's not going to be perfect. You are both trying your best.

I just reread you OP and you said you, Pisces and Blue are a "triad." Do you mean you have a deep emotional/sexual connection too? Has this been going the whole time you and Pisces have been together? Do you miss her too, or just Pisces? Could you three schedule a group video date amongst the three of you? I don't know if that would help, or just make things worse.
 
Is this a working vacation for Pisces? Does he have time for a long phone call with you, or really not? I know you're not panicking, this just needs some tweaking. Three weeks is a long time for a couple who've only been together 10 months, though. I get it. You're probably still yearning for him in NRE at least somewhat.

I can see this needs to be fine-tuned. It's the first time so it's not going to be perfect. You are both trying your best.

I just reread you OP and you said you, Pisces and Blue are a "triad." Do you mean you have a deep emotional/sexual connection too? Has this been going the whole time you and Pisces have been together? Do you miss her too, or just Pisces? Could you three schedule a group video date amongst the three of you? I don't know if that would help, or just make things worse.
Heya, thanks for the quick response. For clarification - sorry, we aren't that kind of triad. Triad in that we both date him. I have a friendly metamour relationship with her, but nothing else. Maybe "triad" was a poor choice of term to use.

And no, this is not a working vacation for Pisces. He likely would have time for me, if he actually could insist in having alone time in their hotel room, as she has had hours of, and he hasn't. She is quite capable of going out on her own for a bit to give him hotel room privacy.

Yes, three weeks (technically almost four since I've seen him in person last - Sept 26th, and maybe having him come to see me on Oct 20 a few days after he is back, if he feels recovered from the travel) is a long time for us as a new couple. We are distanced partners currently as it is, and as "quality time" is my main love language, I don't do well not being around my love for longer than a couple of weeks stretches.
 
Another update: I'm feeling frustrated again. Yes, in theory Pisces and I can communicate freely now because of his roaming. But in reality, the 9 hour time difference sucks. We barely both have many waking hours to really communicate, and it feels like he is texting me in snatches of moments when his other partner Blue isn't around, or when he is out and about waiting for a train, or taking photos. I know he has the good intentions, however, it's not terribly emotionally satisfying. Just now, I had slept in a bit, because I had been up late (texted with him at 1am here, 10am there), and so when I went to text with him, we got three texts in, and then he messages "Blue has just joined me for dinner, be back in a bit!".
I must admit, I don't love being bumped the second the other partner comes into the space. Logically I get it - she is there in person, and I'm not, and it's important she is the focus. But I have a mild pet peeve in poly (well, in general), that the person on the phone or in the texting side automatically gets bumped the moment the person in real life arrives. Is there a happy medium? She is with him all day & night (unless he is out on his own to take photos), so gets tons of his time and focus right now. I can't have some uninterrupted time with him where there is always the risk of someone coming in, or him having to catch a train or a sunset? She has had lots of solo/private/alone time at their hotel when he goes out, which enables her to have relaxed private time to communicate with any and all of her people back home, and he hasn't had any private/alone time in the hotel yet (for either himself, or for a relaxed chat with me in the quiet of the room). I have asked for this, and he says he will try to make alone time for a long call, but has yet to do anything about it.

Just frustrating. I know this is the first time this situation is happening with the three of us, so know that things could likely be done differently/better, but am not sure how yet. A thorough debrief is likely needed after this time. Meantime, I'm now back to feeling like I just want to cut off all communication, instead of constantly waiting/grabbing snatches of started but interrupted conversations at wonky hours a couple of times a day.... :-(
I know how hard this is. I cannot speak for him but I traveled this summer with a partner and we were going from the moment we woke up til we crashed at night. We didn’t even have time for sex…..once, the entire week on the last morning. I wanted and planned to share pics with partners and check in with them but there just wasn’t time. I managed twice the entire trip. Just try to remember, his lack of communication and connection with you right now is not a reflection of his feelings for you.try to look forward to connecting with him when he gets back. See if you can plan that with him next time you chat so you have something to look forward to. Good, long, Quality time just you and him.


edited to say other posts happened as I was writing this so I didn’t have all the info :)
 
I know how hard this is. I cannot speak for him but I traveled this summer with a partner and we were going from the moment we woke up til we crashed at night. We didn’t even have time for sex…..once, the entire week on the last morning. I wanted and planned to share pics with partners and check in with them but there just wasn’t time. I managed twice the entire trip. Just try to remember, his lack of communication and connection with you right now is not a reflection of his feelings for you.try to look forward to connecting with him when he gets back. See if you can plan that with him next time you chat so you have something to look forward to. Good, long, Quality time just you and him.
Thanks. And wow! That sounds like an exhausting trip - not sure I would have the energy for that much "on the go".

And yes, I do know it's not reflective of his feelings for me at all. I just think that this could be done in a different way. We did speak of it ahead of time, but when he said he could do calls while away, he didn't say that they would be outside, out on the move with him, with no level of quiet/privacy. I feel like the calls with me while he is out and about is a "two birds, one stone". Hard to feel like a priority.

And yes, we are planning to see each other a bit after he gets back, but not sure exactly what day and for how long. I will get the quality time, but I have another ten days before he is home, and I'm feeling like I have run out of patience. Sigh
 
Heya, thanks for the quick response. For clarification - sorry, we aren't that kind of triad. Triad in that we both date him. I have a friendly metamour relationship with her, but nothing else. Maybe "triad" was a poor choice of term to use.
Okay. To avoid confusion, in poly jargon, you are in a V, or vee. You and Blue are the legs of the V and Pisces is the hinge. A triad is where all three people are at least deeply emotionally, but usually romantically/sexually involved.
And no, this is not a working vacation for Pisces. He likely would have time for me, if he actually could insist in having alone time in their hotel room, as she has had hours of, and he hasn't. She is quite capable of going out on her own for a bit to give him hotel room privacy.
Some people have trouble being assertive like that. This is something that can be worked on when he gets back, I'm sure.
Yes, three weeks (technically almost four since I've seen him in person last - Sept 26th, and maybe having him come to see me on Oct 20 a few days after he is back, if he feels recovered from the travel) is a long time for us as a new couple. We are distanced partners currently as it is, and as "quality time" is my main love language, I don't do well not being around my love for longer than a couple of weeks stretches.
It's hard. My gf Pixi is a director of a summer camp in the next state, and she barely gets any time off from mid-June through mid-September. We spend a ton of time together in late fall, winter and most of the spring (we live together half the week, when we're not living with our bfs) so I just soak her in as much as possible then. She isn't working much in the off-season, and I work from home. I do visit her at camp some in the summer, which helps, but it's still not easy. Poly comes with its challenges! Transitions are especially hard for her. Even in the winter she sometimes sheds a tear when she leaves me to go to her bf's house in the next town over!
 
Okay. To avoid confusion, in poly jargon, you are in a V, or vee. You and Blue are the legs of the V and Pisces is the hinge. A triad is where all three people are at least deeply emotionally, but usually romantically/sexually involved.

Some people have trouble being assertive like that. This is something that can be worked on when he gets back, I'm sure.

It's hard. My gf Pixi is a director of a summer camp in the next state, and she barely gets any time off from mid-June through mid-September. We spend a ton of time together in late fall, winter and most of the spring (we live together half the week, when we're not living with our bfs) so I just soak her in as much as possible then. She isn't working much in the off-season, and I work from home. I do visit her at camp some in the summer, which helps, but it's still not easy. Poly comes with its challenges! Transitions are especially hard for her. Even in the winter she sometimes sheds a tear when she leaves me to go to her bf's house in the next town over!
Challenges instead. This is my first time having to go through having a partner be away with their other partner, so that makes it especially challenging. I'm guessing it will get easier and we will all figure out better ways to work together on it, but for now, I'm feeling kinda yucky.
 
Update: I let my partner know my concerns, and he seems to think that I have been and am asking for two much. Sigh. I have suggested we take some time away from each other. Maybe think on what he is willing to give and I am willing to work with. Back to feeling sad/unsettled.

ETA: I think I have realized what the issue might be - he was never explicitly clear on what he could offer in terms of communication while away, so *I* wasn't clear either. I think we are now facing that lack of clarity, and the now obvious mismatch of what the other's expectations were. Makes so much sense to me now. So I've messaged him to say this, as well as to be explicit on exactly what he is willing/able to offer so I can decide if that's what I can work with. It's night time there now, so I won't know anything until later.
 
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Update: I let my partner know my concerns, and he seems to think that I have been and am asking for two much. Sigh. I have suggested we take some time away from each other. Maybe think on what he is willing to give and I am willing to work with. Back to feeling sad/unsettled.

ETA: I think I have realized what the issue might be - he was never explicitly clear on what he could offer in terms of communication while away, so *I* wasn't clear either. I think we are now facing that lack of clarity, and the now obvious mismatch of what the other's expectations were. Makes so much sense to me now. So I've messaged him to say this, as well as to be explicit on exactly what he is willing/able to offer so I can decide if that's what I can work with. It's night time there now, so I won't know anything until later.
I think it's unreasonable to ask to clear the room so someone can have privacy with a partner.

I think vacation time is set time where the people travelling with you are the priority. However, I would make the choice to check in "at home" more than with other partners.

One of my fears for you, and this is based on other conversations, is that if you accept this is how he does things in this instance is how he will do things when he is away with you. And you'll be expecting exactly the same in terms of him checking in with Blue only when you're not together. The reality is that he might feel more need for contact with Blue than he does with you. He might not but you'll have to wait and see.

Truthfully? Right at this point, I'd only be willing to spend 3 weeks in focused vacation mode with 1 of my partners. Others, I'd go away for a shorter time because I'd both want to be in vacation mode, but not for so long due to the separation from that partner.
 
I think it's unreasonable to ask to clear the room so someone can have privacy with a partner.

I think vacation time is set time where the people travelling with you are the priority. However, I would make the choice to check in "at home" more than with other partners.

One of my fears for you, and this is based on other conversations, is that if you accept this is how he does things in this instance is how he will do things when he is away with you. And you'll be expecting exactly the same in terms of him checking in with Blue only when you're not together. The reality is that he might feel more need for contact with Blue than he does with you. He might not but you'll have to wait and see.

Truthfully? Right at this point, I'd only be willing to spend 3 weeks in focused vacation mode with 1 of my partners. Others, I'd go away for a shorter time because I'd both want to be in vacation mode, but not for so long due to the separation from that partner.
Unreasonable? Really? I don't think so. I guess my part in being flexible in poly is that if a partner needed something like this, they could ask, and I would likely be open to do this. When Pisces and I go to Costa Rice next year, there will only be one hour time difference from home, and if his partner Blue needed a phone call, if it made sense and we were relaxing in the hotel room, I'd be happy to go for a walk or a swim if they needed private conversation time. I would be willing to do that for them. But apparently not all are willing to do that for their metamours, etc? Huh, good to know what people think is reasonable and not, and how flexible people are for this sort of thing...

As to your second idea/concern - I suspect he and Blue will have a conversation or two ahead of he and I leaving to Costa Rica, in terms of what communication needs she will have, and that he will let me know what that looks like. I suspect, based on how much communication they have when he is with me here in BC (our time together), it would be less than what he is giving me while away now. I think because he didn't clearly set the goalposts for me, my expectations were definitely different. I'm getting a much clearer picture now, and gradually adjusting accordingly.
 
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So, I'm seeing that the Pisces-Blue dyad probably operates differently to the Pisces-Redhead dyad when travels are concerned. You expect you'd be totally chill with going out and creating space for Pisces and Blue to have a private conversation in the hotel room. You're not experiencing this on the other end and probably wondering how they can be so oblivious to what this feels like for you.

I'm like you, except my circumstances are a little reversed. I'm permanently in a LDR with time zone differences, and when Puck and I get together in person, I recognise and intentionally make it realistic for him to have time with his other partners. It irked me that one forced the issue with meltdowns, but it was because they hadn't sorted out a bunch of stuff before I got there that neither of them anticipated. Next time I'm there, we'll all know to plan for them to have catch up time. When he's here, I'll give him private time in the accommodation to make calls. On the other extreme, when Puck used to go away with Iris, I'd get radio silence for however long he was away for, it was just how they operated when away. It took me a bit to get used to it but, mercifully, Iris was also the one who didn't bother him even once when I was there. What's good for the goose was indeed good for the gander.

So I've learned to live with these different dyad dynamics in the polycule. If I ever feel like I'm getting crumbs, I actively push that thought away and focus on all the good bits - how open and honest he is with me, how great we are when we're together, how much I enjoy him as a person. I also pick a good time (i.e. LATER) to discuss with him how we can make things easier next time. Charli melted down more than once when I was visiting and that pissed me off so much that she simply couldn't respect my 8 damn days there when she sees him every week. I'd never do that and I struggled with understanding why she was so awful about it since that's just not my style. But that's the point, every dyad has a different dynamic. My metamours are not my clones, we don't all have the same value systems, and it's not in my control. Pisces and Puck could both be better hinges about things, but it sounds like there's some experiential learning going on for your polycule right now, just like Puck and I and Charli and even Renee didn't know what it would be like that first time there was international travel involved.

So, it's up to you how you manage your behaviour and if you escalate drama during the trip or if you shelve it and work it out later in faith that you and Pisces will talk it out when he's back.
 
Hi WestCoastRedhead,

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's just that you and Pisces have differing standards of what you are willing to do. It's just a question of whether there's any room here for compromise. As the hinge of the V, Pisces has two partners to please, and it is his solemn responsibility to do so. That goes with the privilege of being a hinge. Not that you and Blue have no responsibility, it's just not as much in some ways.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
So, I'm seeing that the Pisces-Blue dyad probably operates differently to the Pisces-Redhead dyad when travels are concerned. You expect you'd be totally chill with going out and creating space for Pisces and Blue to have a private conversation in the hotel room. You're not experiencing this on the other end and probably wondering how they can be so oblivious to what this feels like for you.
Yes, you are right - in theory I would like to be accommodating, especially in a beautiful outdoor place like Costa Rica, but won't know for sure until I'm there. I suspect that Blue doesn't even know there is an issue around me wanting to have a private hotel room chat with Pisces and me feeling that things are unfair there. He may not have said anything. He did mention on our short call earlier today that she has been having ongoing health issues while travelling (she has been having GI issues for many months this year, and they are impacting her there too), so I am guessing that's also a reason he is hesitant to ask her to find something outside to do for a half hour, or bring up my struggles at all (that, and wishing to respect my privacy).

I'm like you, except my circumstances are a little reversed. I'm permanently in a LDR with time zone differences, and when Puck and I get together in person, I recognise and intentionally make it realistic for him to have time with his other partners. It irked me that one forced the issue with meltdowns, but it was because they hadn't sorted out a bunch of stuff before I got there that neither of them anticipated. Next time I'm there, we'll all know to plan for them to have catch up time. When he's here, I'll give him private time in the accommodation to make calls. On the other extreme, when Puck used to go away with Iris, I'd get radio silence for however long he was away for, it was just how they operated when away. It took me a bit to get used to it but, mercifully, Iris was also the one who didn't bother him even once when I was there. What's good for the goose was indeed good for the gander.

Wow, that must have been challenges in many way. I don't blame you for feeling grumpy about that.
So I've learned to live with these different dyad dynamics in the polycule. If I ever feel like I'm getting crumbs, I actively push that thought away and focus on all the good bits - how open and honest he is with me, how great we are when we're together, how much I enjoy him as a person. I also pick a good time (i.e. LATER) to discuss with him how we can make things easier next time. Charli melted down more than once when I was visiting and that pissed me off so much that she simply couldn't respect my 8 damn days there when she sees him every week. I'd never do that and I struggled with understanding why she was so awful about it since that's just not my style. But that's the point, every dyad has a different dynamic. My metamours are not my clones, we don't all have the same value systems, and it's not in my control. Pisces and Puck could both be better hinges about things, but it sounds like there's some experiential learning going on for your polycule right now, just like Puck and I and Charli and even Renee didn't know what it would be like that first time there was international travel involved.

So, it's up to you how you manage your behaviour and if you escalate drama during the trip or if you shelve it and work it out later in faith that you and Pisces will talk it out when he's back.

Yeah, I've said all I needed to as of today's video call, and he has let me know the max he can manage, so I won't be making any further fuss while they are away. Truthfully, now I'm back to feeling like withdrawing and minimizing or pausing communication until he gets back on the 18th. I'm so exhausted, emotionally and physically (not sleeping well, in part because of staying up late to communicate, or getting up early to do a video call with him during his later afternoon), and feel like I have nothing left to say or give in terms of support or cheerful commentary on their fun activities. Feeling like I need a break.

I'm sure we will have further conversation once he comes to see me in a couple of weeks. Right now I'm still feeling a bit angry, so think it best I say nothing at all.
 
Hi WestCoastRedhead,

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it's just that you and Pisces have differing standards of what you are willing to do. It's just a question of whether there's any room here for compromise. As the hinge of the V, Pisces has two partners to please, and it is his solemn responsibility to do so. That goes with the privilege of being a hinge. Not that you and Blue have no responsibility, it's just not as much in some ways.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
True. He appears to have different standards in this, and I think a further conversation is needed in order for us to both understand what the other is willing to compromise on. I hate to say it, but if he isn’t willing to compromise/accommodate in certain things there, then I may withdraw my willingness to accommodate when it’s my turn. No sure I’m willing to give what the other two are not.
 
Well that's only fair. And I don't blame you for wanting to withdraw (for the remainder of his trip), it is your next option when he withholds quality time from you. I certainly don't think you should miss sleep while waiting for him to have an available moment. Just tell him you'll talk with him after he gets back and the two of you have some quality time together. That's reasonable, especially given his reluctance to do right by you during this trip.
 
Well that's only fair. And I don't blame you for wanting to withdraw (for the remainder of his trip), it is your next option when he withholds quality time from you. I certainly don't think you should miss sleep while waiting for him to have an available moment. Just tell him you'll talk with him after he gets back and the two of you have some quality time together. That's reasonable, especially given his reluctance to do right by you during this trip.
I think he is trying his best to "do right" by me, or close to his best. I don't know fully how things are between him and Blue during this trip, so there could be other factors at play that I am unaware of. I'm trying not to place blame fully on him - I think we both play a part and both could do better. The first time is often the hardest, no? I guess I am now realizing that I had absolutely no guidance or support on how to even navigate this, even from him (well, he gave me support in being loving, but not the other kinds of support I needed). I think that's why I'm here, conversing with all you lovely folks - you've been my only source of guidance during this new experience for me. I also thought he would have a better sense of all of his, as he has travelled abroad before with his (now ex) wife, while Blue was here in BC, but there he wasn't really allowed to communicate with her much. So this is all new to him, to Blue and to me. It is, unfortunately, a case of the blind leading the blind. Hence part of my frustration. I've had to seek guidance and support from other parties, like the peeps here at this forum, plus my friends (including poly ones).

This has, on a positive note, spurred me to contact a local therapist team, most of whom are very experienced in ENM. I've been missing (well, for years, not needing) having a poly-positive therapist, so I am going to get myself set up with one. I do need guidance in different poly issues, like this one, and I'm hoping to have a breadth of support and ideas from various sources.

Thanks :)
 
he didn't say that they would be outside, out on the move with him, with no level of quiet/privacy
That would make me feel like the dirty little secret….that he has to escape her for a few moments to call. I get why that would be hurtful. If it was me, I’d be better off without any contact at all other than a text here and there saying I love you, I miss you, or I’m thinking about you. For me, quality time is essential and half measures are worse than no contact at all. I wish for you to get what you need.
 
Truthfully, now I'm back to feeling like withdrawing and minimizing or pausing communication until he gets back on the 18th.
This is totally valid! I’m not sure withdrawing is a term I would use as it has negativity attached to it but you can absolutely wait til he gets back.

for the first several months to a year of my relationship to my life partner, he was not good at texting. I wanted at least once daily check ins or even a thoughtful statement. when I would text him he wouldn’t read it til sometimes 24-36 hours later or would read it and give no reply. I felt out of sight, out of mind. It was NOT what I was used to. I talked to him about how it felt many times and things didn’t change much. I was programmed to believe that “if he loved me…” because I love him and want to talk to him daily, it was easy to conclude that my thinking was sound that he should behave the same. After months of feeling very hurt by what I thought was his inaction and inattention, I got hooked on a podcast called Unf#*k Your Brain and realized that my own thoughts were making me feel horrible about the situation.

I stopped texting him and the emotions I was feeling completely went away. Now I only text him to give him info or just to say something where I don’t want or expect a reply. I’m much happier and our relationship grew to a space I never could have imagined. It was worth changing my behavior to have the relationship I have today. What once was a dealbreaker is now a microscopic speck. Do what makes you feel okay, even if it’s against what comes naturally. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. Find out what you can do or not do to make yourself feel better.
 
That would make me feel like the dirty little secret….that he has to escape her for a few moments to call. I get why that would be hurtful. If it was me, I’d be better off without any contact at all other than a text here and there saying I love you, I miss you, or I’m thinking about you. For me, quality time is essential and half measures are worse than no contact at all. I wish for you to get what you need.
I personally don't feel like a dirty little secret, but I can appreciate your sentiment. I am used to Pisces go elsewhere for his call with me or her, when he is with one of us in person. It's a privacy thing that I totally appreciate/get. I just wished for a private hotel video call from him, a couple of times over the three weeks, as she has been able to do with her daughter/husband/other BF. Doesn't seem right/fair, so that's where my grumpiness came from. Pisces did admit having me along via video chat with him outside wasn't ideal, but it was all he could (is willing to?) do. I asked for private hotel chat, he doesn't seem willing, so yeah, I can only control myself and my reactions/actions. So I will.

And I agree, quality time IS essential, and half measures can be worse. He says he is wanting to focus on his time there, and his time with Blue, which I respect. I just wished we had set up something more concrete and mutually satisfying. That may or may not be possible in the future.
 
This is totally valid! I’m not sure withdrawing is a term I would use as it has negativity attached to it but you can absolutely wait til he gets back.

for the first several months to a year of my relationship to my life partner, he was not good at texting. I wanted at least once daily check ins or even a thoughtful statement. when I would text him he wouldn’t read it til sometimes 24-36 hours later or would read it and give no reply. I felt out of sight, out of mind. It was NOT what I was used to. I talked to him about how it felt many times and things didn’t change much. I was programmed to believe that “if he loved me…” because I love him and want to talk to him daily, it was easy to conclude that my thinking was sound that he should behave the same. After months of feeling very hurt by what I thought was his inaction and inattention, I got hooked on a podcast called Unf#*k Your Brain and realized that my own thoughts were making me feel horrible about the situation.

I stopped texting him and the emotions I was feeling completely went away. Now I only text him to give him info or just to say something where I don’t want or expect a reply. I’m much happier and our relationship grew to a space I never could have imagined. It was worth changing my behavior to have the relationship I have today. What once was a dealbreaker is now a microscopic speck. Do what makes you feel okay, even if it’s against what comes naturally. We cannot control others but we can control ourselves. Find out what you can do or not do to make yourself feel better.
Interesting take, and yeah, wow, a lack of good, timely texting communication from my guy would be a dealbreaker. Mind you, we live in different cities, so text and video chats are our lifeline. He is good with both, when home here and alone (he lives alone).
 
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