Torn about partner travelling overseas with other partner

WestCoastRedhead

WestCoastRedhead

Active member
Hello all!

The backstory: I have been with my partner, Pisces, for nine months. He has been with his other partner (we will call her Blue), who is married and lives elsewhere with her husband and teen daughter. My guy, Pisces, was married for a long time to another woman (we will call her Copper), but she ended their marriage in the summer of 2022. He and I met and started dating this January, and without the rules/restrictions/iron law of Copper, he was free to build new poly relationships in healthier, less restrictive ways, both new with me, and with his other, Blue. The three of us wanted to really build a healthy poly triad (her husband and his GF are part of the polycule, but not really emotionally/sexually as part of things as me, Blue and Pisces).

The current situation: my guy Pisces, loves to travel, and has done a lot of it for work and vacation. Today he is flying off to Amsterdam and Italy for three weeks, with his other partner, Blue. I knew this was coming for a few months, of course, but have still been aware that I might struggle with it some. I don't think it would have been workable for me to be able to travel with him just yet, in part because of me being a mostly full time mum to my 16 year old (his dad lives nearby), and other sensible reasons. I know this, rationally, but it's been a bit hard for me leading up to this, and could be a bit of an emotional struggle while the two of them are away with each other. My compersion side says that after all this time, Pisces and Blue totally deserve this trip together, as this is the first time they are able to travel together (his ex wife wouldn't allow that, would only allow him to travel with her or on his own - yeah, I know...), so I am happy that they get to do this.

The second part that is on the happy side is that Pisces and I are planning to travel ourselves, for our first bit trip together, in April of 2024, to Costa Rica. So it's not like I'm being left out at all. Both of our relationships are happy and strong, and Pisces does his best to be a great partner for both of us. Leading up to him leaving today, he spent several days with me, and we had lots of very loving, bonding time. I feel very secure and loved.

So my conflict? I've been trying to figure out how to "be" leading up to and while he is away. I'm feeling torn between my natural inclination, and what I think I *should* be doing/acting/reacting. My natural inclination (and this has happened other times when he is with Blue) is to withdraw/not communicate much or lovingly/be neutral. For some reason, it's what feels "protective/safe" for me. I'm not entirely sure why I feel this as a necessary way to react. Yes, I know that him being away gives me time to focus on me, my fun things here, my friends/connections here (I don't currently have any other romantic relationships), and I will definitely do that. In the meantime, the natural inclination to withdraw, communicate minimally, and not be all gushy/happy in my communication with him remains.

When I feel this inclination, I challenge myself on it - why can't I be more enthusiastic in my support, be all chatty when we do communicate? Am I being unsupportive as a partner by withdrawing? I want him to enjoy his time there, to no worry or stress about me, but I'm finding it tough at the thought of being all happy/enthusiastic when he wants to communicate. Should I force myself to be cheerful for him, even when I don't feel it? I have told him from the beginning that I won't fake things - if I don't feel/believe it (including emojis), I won't do it/say it. To add this this, while the "withdrawing" inclination is dominant, I also secretly want to have him send me sweet messages sometimes, when he is thinking of me. Not rational at all....

I've warned him that I may very well be more quiet/withdrawn in my communication while he is away, but also stated that if I am, it is not at all a reflection of my love for him, the strength/health of our relationship, or that he is, in any way, doing anything wrong in this. I am feeling the need for support, but oddly, during this time so far, not from him. I'm seeking it more from other sources, like my friends (poly or not), and others.

Feeling torn... This part of poly is fairly new to me, so I am unsure how to process/proceed.

Thoughts?
Thanks

EDA: thanks so much for all your thoughts so far! I will respond to each as I can :)
 
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I think that you rationaly know you can't punish him for going away, but this is a subconscious way of almost saying "well it is up to you, but go and there will be consequences". The consequences being that you will emotionally distance yourself to give him a taste of what life without you will feel like.

What i would do is keep communication to texts. That way, he can't hear your voice. Choose positive words, you can choose what you write before you send, and just wait for him to get back.
 
Compersion doesn't come naturally for many poly people, and guess what? It's not a requirement! You don't have to fake anything. If him going away for three weeks to two wonderful European countries is making you feel uncomfortable feelings, that is valid for you. I think I'd at least feel envious that they were going to cool places, and having romantic bonding times.

I'm remembering when my mom and sister went to London in the early 2000s. I was envious. I did feel compersion, but I'd known them all my life (of course) and could take pleasure in their fun even though I couldn't get away.

If poly is still pretty new to you and your partner and your metamour, it's OK to not be 100% on top of your game. You explained that to Pisces. You can also request he keep sending you cute loving messages, even if you're kind of quiet in return.
 
FWIW, I think you answered yourself.

I've warned him that I may very well be more quiet/withdrawn in my communication while he is away, but also stated that if I am, it is not at all a reflection of my love for him, the strength/health of our relationship, or that he is, in any way, doing anything wrong in this.
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That's fair, especially on first trip. It's a learning process. You have to learn "trip mode" now, when you are not the traveling companion.

I have told him from the beginning that I won't fake things - if I don't feel/believe it (including emojis), I won't do it/say it.
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So don't fake happy/cheerful, if neutral is the best you can do. Why bother faking?

When I feel this inclination, I challenge myself on it - why can't I be more enthusiastic in my support, be all chatty when we do communicate?
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You could challenge yourself the other way. Why do you have this idea that "supportive" can only look a certain way, and if you aren't doing a happy dance, that's "not supportive?" What's wrong with neutral and ok enough?

Should I force myself to be cheerful for him, even when I don't feel it?
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Why? What would that solve for you?

Who taught you this? Or how/when did you learn this -- to force yourself to be things you are not?

To add this this, while the "withdrawing" inclination is dominant, I also secretly want to have him send me sweet messages sometimes, when he is thinking of me. Not rational at all....
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It sounds like what you want to do is have a talk about before-care, during-care, and aftercare. So why not actually talk to him about that directly?

Can you do something special before he goes, and after he comes back? What about during? Like, you don't want to intrude on their trip, but is this gonna be no communication at all, the whole time he's away? Ask him about the things you want to know. Set clearer expectations.

Galagirl
 
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I’m curious what your relationship would be if he was just traveling for work or on a vacation with friends rather than as a romantic trip - do you think you’d also want to withdraw then?

Honestly in some ways this tendency may actually be useful - I don’t know how much you two tend to communicate when he’s not physically present and/or when he’s spending time with Blue. I tend to get quiet when either of my partners travel with other people, but that also lets them focus on the person they’re with (and I expect the same level of focus on me when I travel with them).
 
I would have a hard time with this also. Maybe for different reasons than you, maybe not. Just know your feelings are valid.

I would encourage you to really dive deep on what the feelings are actually caused by. Think of different scenarios and see what your body feels.

Is it FOMO? (You are on a very cool trip!) Is it envy? (You really wish you could have gone.) Is it resentment? (Kids and other priorities do not prevent this feeling just because they are the most important priority for you.) If there is resentment, do you also feel guilt for feeling the resentment? (This is normal as well, but not fun.) Is it hearing details of things they are doing without you? Is it because she is getting all of this dedicated time with him? (Just because you’ll be getting your time next year doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel cheated from this missing time.) Is it because you are missing him (intimacy, touch, quality time, etc.)?

Identifying what’s going on can help you deal with it better.

You want the loving texts that make you feel loved and missed and thought of, so maybe ask for that. But ask him to share nothing about the trip until he’s home with you. You both can keep communication down to just loving each other. You don’t need to hear about the trip or fake happiness about it. Maybe once they are home and you get to have good time with him, then you can hear about it and actually be happy for them after the fact. Maybe not, but the chances are better.

No matter what you are feeling, I encourage you to allow yourself to feel it fully. Don’t fight it. Research shows if you allow yourself to fully feel emotions, that they will go away in about 90 seconds. If any part of us is trying to be strong or doesn’t believe we should be feeling that way, it can drag on for months, or even years, if unresolved. Let yourself cry, or scream, or whatever suits the feeling and you’ll recover from it quickly.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I think that you rationaly know you can't punish him for going away, but this is a subconscious way of almost saying "well it is up to you, but go and there will be consequences". The consequences being that you will emotionally distance yourself to give him a taste of what life without you will feel like.

What i would do is keep communication to texts. That way, he can't hear your voice. Choose positive words, you can choose what you write before you send, and just wait for him to get back.
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Yes, I think you are spot on - emotionally distancing isn't really meant to be punishing, but could be seen as that, by him, and by my, as you say, subconscious mind.

I will think on if limiting to texts instead of also having a few calls/video calls. He and I are both avid photographers, and have bonded over that very strongly, so if he reaches out on a dawn street photography shoot via video to show me what he is seeing, I will likely be very happy to check things out vicariously. He has offered to send me some of his raw photos to edit (I adore editing photos, and he does not).
 
Bobbi said:
I would have a hard time with this also. Maybe for different reasons than you, maybe not. Just know your feelings are valid.

I would encourage you to really dive deep on what the feelings are actually caused by. Think of different scenarios and see what your body feels.

is it FOMO? (You are on a very cool trip!) Is it envy? (You really wish you could have gone.) Is it resentment? (Kids and other priorities do not prevent this feeling just because they are the most important priority for you). If there is resentment, do you also feel guilt for feeling the resentment? (This is normal as well, but not fun). Is it hearing details of things they are doing without you? Is it because she is getting all of this dedicated time with him? (Just because you’ll be getting your time next year doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel cheated from this missing time.) Is it because you are missing him (Intimacy, touch, quality time, etc.)?

Identifying what’s going on can help you deal with it better.

You want the loving texts that make you feel loved and missed and thought of, so maybe ask for that. But ask him to share nothing about the trip until he’s home with you. You both can keep communication down to just loving each other. You don’t need to hear about the trip or fake happiness about it. Maybe once they are home and you get to have good time with him, then you can hear about it and actually be happy for them after the fact. Maybe not, but the chances are better.

No matter what you are feeling, I encourage you to allow yourself to feel it fully, don’t fight it. Research shows if you allow yourself to fully feel emotions, that they will go away in about 90 seconds. If any part of us is trying to be strong or doesn’t believe we should be feeling that way, it can drag on for months, or even years, if left unresolved. Let yourself cry, or scream, or whatever suits the feeling and you’ll recover from it quickly.
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Just a quick note: I had forgotten, I had told him one of the main reasons I felt/feel motivated to "withdraw"/disconnect/not message much, or not as lovingly, is that I have NO say over their trip, or anything to do with their time, etc. But I DO have say over what I do, communicate, act/react, etc. So my withdrawal and being more silent is me exerting the ONLY control I have over this whole situation. Rightly or wrongly, sometimes when I only have control over my own part (which is most of the time), I will exert that control in the only way I can, even if it's not terribly rational or kind. Withdrawing is me saying, "I have no control here over your situation, but I have control over my part in it, so I will do it, if I need to, because I don't know what else to do here."

Make sense?

I do very much appreciate your thoughts on this, you've given me ideas to chew on, as have the others.
 
Magdlyn said:
Compersion doesn't come naturally for many poly people, and guess what? It's not a requirement! You don't have to fake anything. If him going away for three weeks to two wonderful European countries is making you feel uncomfortable feelings, that is valid for you. I think I'd at least feel envious that they were going to cool places, and having romantic bonding times.

I'm remembering when my mom and sister went to London in the early 2000s. I was envious. I did feel compersion, but I'd known them all my life (of course) and could take pleasure in their fun even though I couldn't get away.

If poly is still pretty new to you and your partner and your metamour, it's OK to not be 100% on top of your game. You explained that to Pisces. You can also request he keep sending you cute loving messages, even if you're kind of quiet in return.
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Yeah, compersion is still a WiP for me :) But I do actively find reasons to feel it, like these two really deserving a holiday together after a decade together, nine of those years under his ex-wife's thumb.

I'm envious that they are going to those places for sure. He has assured me that we will have our turn to do a trip like that, as they are both areas he returns to regularly. I could also, at some point, have another partner or other circumstances were I could go on a trip to those areas.

I'm not brand new to poly (opened my marriage in 2015, which ended a year later) but new enough that I'm still working through some things, and pretty used to other areas. Pisces and Blue have both been doing poly for about 15 - 20 years, but this version for the three of us is fairly new-ish, without restrictions and rules/vetos, etc. Really, it's all case by case basis. He says he is still trying to navigate this with me, and with her, in our current configuration. We still have conversations and negotiations to help build this stronger and healthier. The spirit of cooperations feels great.
 
Hi WestCoastRedhead,

I don't necessarily think you need to force yourself to be cheerful for Pisces when you don't feel it. I think it is okay to admit to him what you are feeling: that you are having your struggles and that the struggles are yours, that you support him and Blue doing this trip even though you are struggling emotionally, and just ask him to let you figure that part out for yourself.

But really, you are already approaching the situation in that fashion, so you don't need me to tell you what to do. I am just here to say that I think you are doing a fine job, and to encourage you to continue with that. That doesn't mean you won't have any bad feelings, but at least you know the right actions to take in response to those feelings. Hang in there, you will get through this.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi WestCoastRedhead,

I don't necessarily think you need to force yourself to be cheerful for Pisces when you don't feel it. I think it is okay to admit to him what you are feeling: that you are having your struggles and that the struggles are yours, that you support him and Blue doing this trip even though you are struggling emotionally, and just ask him to let you figure that part out for yourself.

But really, you are already approaching the situation in that fashion, so you don't need me to tell you what to do. I am just here to say that I think you are doing a fine job, and to encourage you to continue with that. That doesn't mean you won't have any bad feelings, but at least you know the right actions to take in response to those feelings. Hang in there, you will get through this.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Aw, thanks Kevin! Yeah, it's been a mixed bag for me. Made even trickier because instead of him doing the "Roaming charges" for being able to have wifi/data all the time, he tried getting a local SIM card that isn't working properly for him. So all I get is a few minutes a couple of times a day when he can be in the hotel lobby tapping into their wifi. Not thrilled about that, but the technical glitch isn't in his control, unless he moves to the more expensive roaming. Not sure I want to be "hanging around" waiting for him to spare me those few minutes, and have said so. Now feeling a bit frustrated by the time change/technical limits, along with his busy schedule. This has me feeling that if this limited stuff continues, it may be better for me to not have much communication with him at all, except maybe a call once in a while. I'm not interested in being his "beck and call" girl.
 
Oh that does make a difference. I don't blame you for being frustrated with the technical situation, and I don't think he could blame you for withdrawing under the circumstances.
 
I am someone who withdraws as the way I process emotions (Enneagram type 5 if that means anything). It totally works for me, and it's not meant as punishment or consequences. It's just me dealing with myself.

So in your place I would tell him that I might appear a bit withdrawn while he is on his trip, but not to worry, and that I look forward to reconnecting with him when he gets back.

Also, it is totally okay to feel envious that they get take this trip and you don't. Three weeks in Amsterdam and Italy? That would be many people's dream trip! I would feel pretty bummed out about it, and I don't think you need to worry that you're "supposed" to feel supportive.

I would be withdrawn in order to NOT express my envy at him/them--NOT to punish him, but to manage my feelings on my own, as I do.

Might be similar if I had two best friends who went on a dream trip to Europe and I couldn't go with them for logical, sensible reasons--I'd be happy for them, but I don't know that I'd be following their Instagram pics of the trip. I might keep to myself and feel a little sad or sullen. But in the long run, I'd plan a different trip with them later, or my own trip to Europe another time, or whatever. In a few months or a year I'm sure I'd be happy to see their photos and listen to their gushy stories of the trip.

Let yourself sulk a little. Then get excited about your trip to Costa Rica next year.
 
kdt26417 said:
Oh that does make a difference. I don't blame you for being frustrated with the technical situation, and I don't think he could blame you for withdrawing under the circumstances.
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So an update.... Pisces got his roaming set up, and we have started off with a video call/chat last night (for me)/early morning (for him), where he took me on a wee walking tour of his area in Amsterdam before people were out, as the sun was rising. As we normally do video chats every few days (he lives away from me in another city normally), it was lovely and very comforting to see his face and have him show me places. We share a love of photography, so he has been sending me photos of his street shots of the city. The texting so far has been normal-ish again, and it feels great. He is clearly carving out chunks of time to message/converse with me, while his partner is sleeping, back at the hotel, while he is out and about, and I'm feeling much better about it all. Phew! It was a rough start, but I think we may have figured out a happy medium for the rest of the trip. I'm not feeling like withdrawing (for) now. He and I have been sharing our usual loving messages, and I'm still feeling very much a priority, while also knowing that he is making his other partner the priority she should be while being with him there.
It's feeling balanced now, and I'm thrilled.

Thank you all for supporting me during this weird start-up time - I so appreciate you lovely people during this struggle. :)
 
MeeraReed said:
I am someone who withdraws as the way I process emotions (Enneagram type 5 if that means anything). It totally works for me, and it's not meant as punishment or consequences. It's just me dealing with myself.

So in your place I would tell him that I might appear a bit withdrawn while he is on his trip, but not to worry, and that I look forward to reconnecting with him when he gets back.

Also, it is totally okay to feel envious that they get take this trip and you don't. Three weeks in Amsterdam and Italy? That would be many people's dream trip! I would feel pretty bummed out about it, and I don't think you need to worry that you're "supposed" to feel supportive.

I would be withdrawn in order to NOT express my envy at him/them--NOT to punish him, but to manage my feelings on my own, as I do.

Might be similar if I had two best friends who went on a dream trip to Europe and I couldn't go with them for logical, sensible reasons--I'd be happy for them, but I don't know that I'd be following their Instagram pics of the trip. I might keep to myself and feel a little sad or sullen. But in the long run, I'd plan a different trip with them later, or my own trip to Europe another time, or whatever. In a few months or a year I'm sure I'd be happy to see their photos and listen to their gushy stories of the trip.

Let yourself sulk a little. Then get excited about your trip to Costa Rica next year.
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Yea, I have and am still feeling a little bummed about missing out on this, but as my guy likes to return to those areas somewhat regularly, and wants to take me to there and to some of his other favourite places (like Turkey), and I want to take him to the UK and specifically Scotland, I think we will have plenty of time to travel and adventure together!
 
This trip was a learning experience for both of you and it sounds like you found the happy balance.
 
Thanks for this thread. Sooner or later my OS partner will come and visit me in my country. Of course I want him to have time to contact his partners back home, but I'm starting to factor in the possibility that I may have to get him a "local" phone and sim card because his international roaming might not be as easy as mine was when I was there.
 
Evie said:
Thanks for this thread. Sooner or later my OS partner will come and visit me in my country. Of course I want him to have time to contact his partners back home, but I'm starting to factor in the possibility that I may have to get him a "local" phone and sim card because his international roaming might not be as easy as mine was when I was there.
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Always good to keep these things in mind. The issue with my partner here is that we are Canadian and his Canadian phone was still "locked" under contract, and locked Canadian phones aren't compatible with European SIM cards. No one told him this until he had to speak with the IT tech support people after it wasn't working. Sigh. Now we know...
 
Hi WestCoastRedhead,

I'm glad the situation has greatly improved (even if it's still not perfect). Thanks for updating us, and I hope you have a nice trip (or three) with Pisces later on.

Cheers,
Kevin T.
 
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