Torn about partner travelling overseas with other partner

WestCoastRedhead said:
Pisces did admit having me along via video chat with him outside wasn't ideal, but it was all he could (is willing to?) do. I asked for private hotel chat, he doesn't seem willing, so yeah, I can only control myself and my reactions/actions. So I will.

And I agree, quality time IS essential, and half measures can be worse. He says he is wanting to focus on his time there, and his time with Blue, which I respect.
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I'd say this was the crux of it. It seems like he's considered what you're asking, and what he's offering is what he wants to do. When you mentioned you expect his contact to be less with Blue than it is with you based on how he normally operates, I even see It's a general thing, rather than about your relationship.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
I'd say this was the crux of it. It seems like he's considered what you're asking, and what he's offering is what he wants to do. When you mentioned you expect his contact to be less with Blue than it is with you based on how he normally operates, I even see It's a general thing, rather than about your relationship.
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Gotcha. I've tried not to take this personally. It is what it is. He is letting me know his boundaries, and I can then decide what I'm okay with, and place my own boundaries.
 
A final update: I took slightly drastic action, but something I felt was my only choice for my own peace of mind - I sent Pisces a long, considered message essentially saying that I need radio silence until he returns. Even waiting for him to message a good morning or good night with the time difference was making me lose sleep, and I was exhausted. I decided yesterday to take a break from our communication so I don't have to deal with all of this time difference/limited communication stress. It was just too much, and I have been feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.

I sent this in the last hour, and he read and acknowledged it. I've asked him to let me know when he is back home next week, and we can speak then. I feel bad about insisting on radio silence, but I needed to make myself the priority here, and I've felt more peaceful since making that decision. I am hoping I'll sleep better.
 
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Sounds like a solid plan to me. You are giving him (and Blue) the whole remainder of the trip. And you are treating yourself right at the same time. Here's hoping you can get some sleep.
 
Hello all,

An update on this thread from last fall. Sort of.

It's my turn now to be travelling with my partner (hinge) Pisces. We are headed to Costa Rica next week for two weeks, and will be together in person for three weeks total (most of this month). The time difference is only about two hours from here, so we will both be able to communicate with people back home fairly easily if needed.

Because our hinge has had to drastically change the transparency from our initial KTP to a very parallel poly, instead of the detailed info I had when he and Blue went to Europe (cities, hotels, some activities), she will know almost nothing about our time away. She knows we are going to be in a couple of different areas of the country, when our flights are, and that's it. And honestly, given how she so dramatically cut me out of her life (and still refuses to communicate with me or have anything to do with me), I am quite relieved that she will know nothing for the foreseeable future. It is truly parallel.

As to their communication, I believe it's likely to be a phone call with each other once every four days or so. I don't have another partner, though I am speaking/spending a bit of time with a couple of different people, so I don't have a need for a regular call with anyone back home. My boys and my mother will be likely the main people I'll keep up with, as well as sending photos to some friends. It feels uneven, but oh well. It is what it is, and really, none of it matters as I am quite happy to be having focussed vacation time with my love!

Will keep you all posted as to how it goes! 🙃
 
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WestCoastRedhead said:
Because our hinge has had to drastically change the transparency from our initial KTP to a very parallel poly, instead of the detailed info I had when he and Blue went to Europe (cities, hotels, some activities), she will know almost nothing about our time away.
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How do you know what she knows and why does it matter?

WestCoastRedhead said:
, I believe it's likely to be a phone call with each other once every four days or so.
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Why do you know this? Why is it relevant to you?

WestCoastRedhead said:
It feels uneven,
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How? Why?
 
@SEASONEDpolyAgain Surely it's relevant to know when he's going to be on the phone (to Blue) so Redhead can make a plan to go do something alone during that time. If you're suggesting he should just have vaguely said he'd be on the phone to *someone* every four days or so, is that somehow preferable to just letting Redhead know that it's Blue? Seems to me that would be taking parallel just a bit too far as to be silly. It's Redhead and Blue that don't interact, Hinge can share small relevant information with either.
 
Evie said:
@SEASONEDpolyAgain Surely it's relevant to know when he's going to be on the phone (to Blue) so Redhead can make a plan to go do something alone during that time. If you're suggesting he should just have vaguely said he'd be on the phone to *someone* every four days or so, is that somehow preferable to just letting Redhead know that it's Blue? Seems to me that would be taking parallel just a bit too far as to be silly. It's Redhead and Blue that don't interact, Hinge can share small relevant information with either.
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No, it just seems all a bit too much of a "thing". Usually, if my partner is busy with something, I'll just potter off in the moment. I don't need them to specify that they'll be engaged some time in advance so I can plan something to busy myself for an hour.

This is actually happening as we speak because I'm waiting for Jules to finish on the phone to her brother so we can leave the house so I came to browse here.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
How do you know what she knows and why does it matter?
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Because I asked, since things are quite different from their trip last October. I wanted to know what she had been told because it's private for me, and because she had cut me out so completely that I didn't want her to know much (at this point). As he is keeping things parallel, he has kept the info minimal.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Why do you know this? Why is it relevant to you?
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Again, because I asked, and wanted to know, especially as this was causing some conflict last fall, and I wanted to know what was to be worked out between them for calls while we were away. This is still information our hinge shares - if the other has asked for a call. All three of us still agree that being notified that he is taking a call with one of us when in person with the other is necessary information to share. Why do you challenge this? It's just how the three of us do info around phone calls. I didn't share to be challenged, just to share the overall outcome.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
How? Why?
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It feels uneven to me because he has a partner to call while away, and I don't. Period.
 
Evie said:
@SEASONEDpolyAgain Surely it's relevant to know when he's going to be on the phone (to Blue) so Redhead can make a plan to go do something alone during that time. If you're suggesting he should just have vaguely said he'd be on the phone to *someone* every four days or so, is that somehow preferable to just letting Redhead know that it's Blue?
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Exactly - sneaking off to for a half hour walk every four days would totally raise my suspicions. This isn't a Dont' ask, don't tell. Phone calls with a partner while with the other partner is always communicated clearly, and we all agree with that arrangement.

Evie said:
Seems to me that would be taking parallel just a bit too far as to be silly. It's Redhead and Blue that don't interact, Hinge can share small relevant information with either.
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Their calls will likely be in during our quiet time at the Air BNBs, when either I'll be out swimming at the beach or pool, or he will go for a walk. He wouldn't ask me to leave the Air BNB unless I wanted to, just so he can call her. I appreciate that.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
It just seems so... burdensome. Rigid.
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Burdensome to let us know he is calling the other, to be polite and considerate? Not at all. It's polite and considerate.
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
And like hostile and petty. Tit for tat.
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My time with him is private, it always has been, even when we all got along. That's how I do things. I prefer a more parallel style anyway.
 
Do you see the difference between having to announce exactly how frequently you'll be calling your other partner so the other person immediately clears the room

And

Taking and making calls as and when you want to and communicating right then that you'll be on the phone a while?
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Do you see the difference between having to announce exactly how frequently you'll be calling your other partner so the other person immediately clears the room

And

Taking and making calls as and when you want to and communicating right then that you'll be on the phone a while?
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I'm not sure why you're hammering this point home. This couple and his OSO can decide if they want to plan phone calls or not.

Vacations are about quality time. Most of us encourage poly couples to leave their phones off during quality time, and make/take calls and texts only when it doesn't interrupt that time.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Do you see the difference between having to announce exactly how frequently you'll be calling your other partner so the other person immediately clears the room

And

Taking and making calls as and when you want to and communicating right then that you'll be on the phone a while?
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Yup, and we are doing both, and it is what all of us has agreed to and are fine with. :)
 
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