Consider better conversation skills.
I could be wrong in my impression. I will give a story in case it gives you another POV.
Her: are you upset about something?
Me: Yes. I saw a picture of you having sex with your other partner in my favourite position, a position that you won't let me have sex with you in. That seems unfair.
Could have said "That bothers me" rather than "unfair."
I shared some kissing and digital sex with a guy I was dating. He called me drunk to ask how come another guy I was seeing "could poke you but I can't? Not fair."
I was SO pissed and offended. It was MY body, and I share sex when *I* am ready to share sex. I'm not into strict monogamy or being exclusive. But that doesn't mean I am available to all any ol' time!
I was more willing to share sex with the guy who was closer to my own age back then because I could "get" him sooner. I knew what he wanted and expected, and he treated me with respect and didn't rush me. His physique was also easier to deal with. He was taller but we had a similar build. If it got ugly, I thought I could take him.
I needed more time to get to know the other guy because he was so much older than me. And his physique meant he was a LOT bigger than me. And you know what? Sometimes women like me worry about size. Not penis size, but size. Cuz sometimes sex can start out "yes" and then you change your mind or whatever. A way bigger guy than you can pin you down and it can go to the rape-y place and get ugly. So... it takes longer to work on trust and be willing to share sex and be vulnerable like that.
Maybe I would have kept on developing the relationship and moved on from digital sex to other activities. I WAS interseted in sharing other sex with him. I just wanted slow.
But when he called and made it be about him getting some PIV sex? Like "hurry up with the toast, lady!" And I was supposed to be sympathizing/validating how haaaaard waiting for sex was for him? TOTAL TURN OFF. I was no longer interested. And I dumped him.
So... you might not be getting the empathy you seek because of how you talk. Her body belongs to her. She doesn't not "owe" you sex in any position. She's gone defensive with that start up and I would too.
Now, at this point in the conversation what I wanted her to say was something like "Oh. That must have been hard for you. Here's some explanation about why I did that."
When you come at it like "He gets sex that I don't. Whyyyyyy?" because you want to feel close and connected to her? That startup might seriously be turning her off and you don't find ways to be close/connect.
And if you talk like everyone just knows what "that" is? You think you are being clear but the other person doesn't. It might end up in other conflict. What is the THAT? Like...
"(It's very hard for me to see these sex pictures at random.) I find them triggering. Could you be willing to understand that? Could you please be willing not to leave them just laying around and keep your private pix put away where you can enjoy them but I do not stumble on them?
OR like...
"Thank you. I appreciate it when you notice when I struggle and ask me if I am ok. (I need to feel close and connected to you right now. I feel adrift, sad, lonely.) Could you please be willing to add other kind words like ___? Give me a hug? "
There (what that is) has been articulated. Don't make people mind reader you.
NOT surprised the conversation went there. That would be my knee jerk response also. I don't like it when men seem to assume I'm a sex toaster.
It is MY body, and MY choice when I'm ready to share my body in sex with someone. Just their it is THEIR body, and their choice. Sharing sex consensually is a "two person yes." It ain't happening unless both people (or whoever the people) are all saying "yes."
Me: Yeah, but I don't understand your choice, and I feel personally insulted by it because I don't see any reason why you won't do this thing with me if you obviously have no problem doing it with him.
I cannot speak for her. But the guy who called me?
The reason I did not share sex with him was that I needed more time to bridge the age gap and build trust because he was so much bigger. I told him I needed more time. Then after that drunk phone call? I gave up.
I thought "Dude, I'm dumping him. Not worth it. I was willing to work with him, but he is not willing to work with ME and what I need. I am not used to dating older, bigger guys -- I need time to adjust. For him? It was about him getting into my pants ASAP.
Now he's calling me DRUNK to whine about how hard life is for him because he's not getting PIV fast enough? It's not about me being a PERSON and what I might need. It's about what he GETS or not. I'm a sex toaster to him."
I was not a candy bar where everyone gets a bite just cuz. I was not a magic sex toaster that dispenses sex whenever anyone pushes a button. I am an actual PERSON. I'm was not a free therapist to help him work out his emotional baggage.
So I ask you... why are you
personally insulted that she wants to share her body with you in X ways only? What do you think she should be doing with her body?
Her: I'm upset with you. I need space to think about this. (Which means she'll be back when she's figured out what I need to apologize for.)
Not surprised she's upset.
This conversation happened in a context where she had already been expressing for months that our relationship had become too much work for her and that maybe it wasn't worthwhile.
Might be true. If you guys are incompatible in a lot of ways -- end it. Stop dragging it out.
If she's doing lots of emotional labor for you and she's burning out? That's another turn off.
I'm also struggling to reconcile the idea that she loves me with the reality that she consistently appears not to give a shit about my pain, my needs, or my desires.
One can care about you and your pain, but at the same time not want to "carry" you all the time. "Help you" is one thing. "Do it all" is another.
She could have prevented all of that with a simple statement acknowledging that she sees my suffering.
Or YOU could prevent all that by taking a step back and considering your "start ups" in your conversations better.
A better, clearer start up stating what you would like as in the
blue examples above might have gotten you what you needed.
Going on about sex as your start up? Like she OWES you some toast too since she's off dispensing toast elsewhere?
That kinda of start up can be seen as depersonalizing her and reduces her to a sex toaster. And THEN you want the sex toaster to dispense empathy and cuddles and whatever to honor
your personhood, validate your feelings, emotions, etc? When you have dishonored
her personhood?
Dude, that approach is not gonna be a winning approach.
Her: I'm upset with you. I need space to think about this. (Which means she'll be back when she's figured out what I need to apologize for.)
She could have prevented all of that with a simple statement acknowledging that she sees my suffering.
Examine those again. If this is your habit? To be passive and expect her to do all the work? She has to be looking out for you in all sorts of ways and even
telling you what to say? Then no wonder she says she's tired of doing so much work in this relationship.
You guys might really be incompatible. Or she may be fed up with "carrying" you.
So now I'm sitting here waiting for her to break up with me.
Why so passive? This approach is not serving you well.
You could go apologize to her.
Actively partictipate. Rather than being passive waiting for her to tell you what to apologize for. That's her carrying you. That is not
you participating in the relationship. Could say something like...
"Look, I realized how I talk might come off like I don't respect your body autonomy and I think you owe me sex. I do respect it is your body and your choice. I do know you do not owe me any sex. You are your own person.
What I really wanted was for you to say that you know poly is hard for me sometimes. And that you appreciate my trying my best. And please not leave these pix around like that where I can run across them. It's really hard to see those just laying around when I already have other poly hard.
I am sorry if I hurt you with how I talk. I will try to work on that. Please forgive me if I stumble with it again -- talking about stuff like this in the right way is also part of the hard for me.
I heard you when you said this relationship is a lot of work for you. I'm trying to learn how to carry more of my fair share."
It might still be workable. Or it might be too little too late and all you can hope for is an amicable parting. But at least you know going into the next relationship what skills you could improve.
But the lack of validation has been a relationship issue for years and I just feel like I could let go of so much if she would just really GET what I'm feeling and why. Or at least TRY
Why keep staying there so long so it is YEARS of not getting what you need? I encourage you to be more ACTIVE, and actually PARTICIPATE in your relationships. If a thing isn't working, get out sooner. No point in passively being with people who are not really compatible. Not everyone you date is a long haul runner.
I also encourage you to articulate what you
actually need and watch your start-ups in conversation.
My 2 cents,
Galagirl