Sleeping Arrangements and Beds: Merged Threads, General Discussion
- Thread starter EywaUK
- Start date
lemniscate
New member
I hear ya about that! I'm 6 feet, which is tall for a lady, and I'm also somewhat, er... fluffy. My hubby is 6'2" and my boyfriend is almost 6'6." His wife is average height, but also of the somewhat fluffy variety, as is my husband's girlfriend. (Do we see a pattern here? lol) So sleeping together, at least on a queen-sized bed, isn't always so comfy! We do manage it occasionally, however. Great news is, boyfriend and wife got a NEW KING-SIZED bed today. I'm so excited! No more being squooshed into the wall! 
That being said, we don't all sleep together, certainly not all the time. I will generally sleep on the couch when my husband's girlfriend comes over, as a) the bed isn't really big enough, and b) I like to give them the opportunity for alone time, because they don't get it very often. She has kids and another SO, so when my husband goes there to visit they don't get much time to themselves.
When I go visit my boyfriend and his wife, we sleep together about half the time, and occasionally one of the two of them will sleep on the couch if they want to sprawl a little.
That being said, we don't all sleep together, certainly not all the time. I will generally sleep on the couch when my husband's girlfriend comes over, as a) the bed isn't really big enough, and b) I like to give them the opportunity for alone time, because they don't get it very often. She has kids and another SO, so when my husband goes there to visit they don't get much time to themselves.
When I go visit my boyfriend and his wife, we sleep together about half the time, and occasionally one of the two of them will sleep on the couch if they want to sprawl a little.
redpepper
Active member
I think part of the reason triads/unicorn relationships don't work out is because there is no room to move, to morph into what works. Generally there is an imbalance of time, depth of connection, interests, etc., and I find that people seeking triads and unicorns are naïve in thinking that there will be a complete balance. Generally this ends in one person suffering from that delusion and getting hurt because they had that fantasy. If it's to work, I think all expectations and assumptions need to be dropped. That and working on yourself for yourself, not for "the couple" or anyone else, but because it comes down to the health and awareness of those involved.
*I* think it's because those couples have no clue what they're doing. They THINK they do, but they don't. They usually see themselves as "one" entity and expect the triad to be "one" entity. If you were intended to be a "one entity" triad, god would have made you conjoined triplets when you were born. It just doesn't fucking WORK that way.
IrisAwakened
New member
I agree with many of the PP. I feel that it is near impossible to find a person who wants to be an addition to a couple, and if you do, you always have to take them into consideration. They may not have the same designs as you do, they may not be attracted to both of you, there are just way too many possible things to factor in. Don't get me wrong, I would SOO love a unicorn to help us form a triad, but I am not going into this looking for one. I am just looking for someone to love, much like mono dating. If that someone happens to want to be with my spouse as well, BONUS!
Good luck with your unicorn hunt!
Good luck with your unicorn hunt!
Portable bed ideas
When I visit my partner at her home, we don't sleep in her bed, they have limited space available, and no formal guest room.
We have a terrific sex life and have basically destroyed a futon frame, and gone through about a half a dozen air mattresses in the past couple of years. Mostly they leak slowly and we must re-pump or end up on the floor.
Has anyone got some good ideas and or experience with a functional bed that can be stored away when not in use?
I considered some of the BYO-bed designs, but some are inflatable mattress units that I fear wouldn't be something one could use once or twice a week without fear. Thanks.
When I visit my partner at her home, we don't sleep in her bed, they have limited space available, and no formal guest room.
We have a terrific sex life and have basically destroyed a futon frame, and gone through about a half a dozen air mattresses in the past couple of years. Mostly they leak slowly and we must re-pump or end up on the floor.
Has anyone got some good ideas and or experience with a functional bed that can be stored away when not in use?
I considered some of the BYO-bed designs, but some are inflatable mattress units that I fear wouldn't be something one could use once or twice a week without fear. Thanks.
How much room is there to store this portable bed?
There are foldable memory foam mattresses that are easily stored, but still take up a bit of space. I've used one that was "MemorRest" brand and it was lovely, but I don't remember if it would comfortably sleep two adults. If you go that route, you may need two next to each other.
That's all I could think of that wouldn't rely on a frame or being inflated to keep it up.
Keith and I actually stopped having sex on our old bed because we were wearing down the frame... Have you considered just changing the location of your sex so that the place your sleep survives?
There are foldable memory foam mattresses that are easily stored, but still take up a bit of space. I've used one that was "MemorRest" brand and it was lovely, but I don't remember if it would comfortably sleep two adults. If you go that route, you may need two next to each other.
That's all I could think of that wouldn't rely on a frame or being inflated to keep it up.
Keith and I actually stopped having sex on our old bed because we were wearing down the frame...
Have you considered just changing the location of your sex so that the place your sleep survives?I saw a design for a bed that could be taken apart. It was a modern take on an old design used by nobility when on campaign. Collapses down, the frame that is, into roughly 6 boards and a piece of plywood or two. Just add a mattress and your set. I'll see what I can do about digging up the how to for it. My friend uses one when he goes to period events and uses an old futon mattress in it .
Nudibranch
New member
Totally off topic...but I read the header to this thread as
Portable bad ideas
and my first thought was Justin Bieber on a '70s-style boom box.
Outsider, there are inflatable beds that have these inflation/deflation control dials built in which you can use to harden or soften the mattress, which comes in very handy, IME, during various play activities. In fact, they can be built into the play session. It can be really amazing how a difference in surface resistance can enhance many sensations/movement options.
The really sturdy/herky ones will cost a bit...but in my experience with one or more partners, they hold up, so to speak.
Boyd Specialty Sleep makes a portable bed frame:
http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/...SPG-3-GOOGLE&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cse
Not sure how easily deployable that is, and you'd still need a mattress/squishy thing.
The only other option I can think of is a Murphy bed. For example:
http://www.murphybedsonline.com/products/bi-fold-system-wbh?utm_source=google-product-search
I'd be inclined to build it myself.
Portable bad ideas
and my first thought was Justin Bieber on a '70s-style boom box.
Outsider, there are inflatable beds that have these inflation/deflation control dials built in which you can use to harden or soften the mattress, which comes in very handy, IME, during various play activities. In fact, they can be built into the play session. It can be really amazing how a difference in surface resistance can enhance many sensations/movement options.
The really sturdy/herky ones will cost a bit...but in my experience with one or more partners, they hold up, so to speak.
Boyd Specialty Sleep makes a portable bed frame:
http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/...SPG-3-GOOGLE&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cse
Not sure how easily deployable that is, and you'd still need a mattress/squishy thing.
The only other option I can think of is a Murphy bed. For example:
http://www.murphybedsonline.com/products/bi-fold-system-wbh?utm_source=google-product-search
I'd be inclined to build it myself.
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sleeping arrangements
I became part of a triad relationship (FFM) a year ago after my marriage broke up. The couple I'm with have been together for over 15 years and have four boys. I have three kids. The youngest, my son, 11, lives with me every other week. Our relationship has had its trials, jealousy being the main one.
My main concern is the sleeping arrangements. I live downstairs in a room of my own. On the weeks I don't have my son, I really want to sleep in my partners' bed with them, or have one of them sleep with me. Sometimes, because of my shift work, it is my only opportunity to have close time with my boyfriend. But my girlfriend can't sleep with me in their bed. She tries, but can't. And so I am the one who waits downstairs, lonely, hoping he will come down to me. It's a difficult situation. Anyone got any ideas? I can't help feeling like an outsider.
I became part of a triad relationship (FFM) a year ago after my marriage broke up. The couple I'm with have been together for over 15 years and have four boys. I have three kids. The youngest, my son, 11, lives with me every other week. Our relationship has had its trials, jealousy being the main one.
My main concern is the sleeping arrangements. I live downstairs in a room of my own. On the weeks I don't have my son, I really want to sleep in my partners' bed with them, or have one of them sleep with me. Sometimes, because of my shift work, it is my only opportunity to have close time with my boyfriend. But my girlfriend can't sleep with me in their bed. She tries, but can't. And so I am the one who waits downstairs, lonely, hoping he will come down to me. It's a difficult situation. Anyone got any ideas? I can't help feeling like an outsider.
In my relationship, my partners take turns sleeping with me in the big double bed. It works out really well. We are a V, with me as the hinge. But maybe you could adapt the rotation to suit your relationship so that everyone gets a similar amount of sleeping with their other partner at night.
sparklepop
New member
The practicalities of poly can be tricky. I find that the best thing we can do is look at them in the same abstract way that we look at love and sex.
First, I want you to know that I relate to your feelings. I am in a poly V with my gf and her husband. I choose not to sleep in the same bed as them. Practical reasons? I can't sleep with three in a bed. Also, their room is a complete mess. It feels strange to me.
My gf sleeps with her husband a lot more than she sleeps in my bed. Practical reasons? She finds my bed uncomfortable. She likes the comfort of the bed she's had for 10 years. She's used to waking up next to her husband. Her husband can't stand it when he has to sleep alone. Like you, I became upset. I felt like I was always waiting. There was no schedule. She'd just come to my bed when she felt like it.
I think a schedule can solve the problem, as unromantic as it sounds. It means that everyone knows when their time is and nobody feels guilty or pressured about where they sleep.
How often do you get to sleep with your partners in one week?
Would it be practical to have your boyfriend with you for one night and your girlfriend with you another night?
Something like this:
Mon - you and gf, bf sleeps alone
Tues - you and bf, gf sleeps alone
Wed - you sleep alone
Thurs - you sleep alone
Fri - you and gf, bf sleeps alone
Sat - you and bf, gf sleeps along
Sun - you sleep alone
You - 2 nights a week with bf, 2 nights with gf, 3 nights alone
bf - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with gf, 2 nights alone
gf - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with bf, 2 nights alone
Or if that's too much, one night each during the week where one of them sleeps with you. Then alternate weekends.
Or you could skew it so that they see you more when your child isn't living with you.
Or do you not actually want to sleep alone with gf, just bf?
Sometimes it's not always about getting an exactly equal amount of time, but getting what works for everyone. If everyone makes a compromise, things are happier and more fair.
Is sleeping with you important to your bf, or does he prefer his own bed?
First, I want you to know that I relate to your feelings. I am in a poly V with my gf and her husband. I choose not to sleep in the same bed as them. Practical reasons? I can't sleep with three in a bed. Also, their room is a complete mess. It feels strange to me.
My gf sleeps with her husband a lot more than she sleeps in my bed. Practical reasons? She finds my bed uncomfortable. She likes the comfort of the bed she's had for 10 years. She's used to waking up next to her husband. Her husband can't stand it when he has to sleep alone. Like you, I became upset. I felt like I was always waiting. There was no schedule. She'd just come to my bed when she felt like it.
I think a schedule can solve the problem, as unromantic as it sounds. It means that everyone knows when their time is and nobody feels guilty or pressured about where they sleep.
How often do you get to sleep with your partners in one week?
Would it be practical to have your boyfriend with you for one night and your girlfriend with you another night?
Something like this:
Mon - you and gf, bf sleeps alone
Tues - you and bf, gf sleeps alone
Wed - you sleep alone
Thurs - you sleep alone
Fri - you and gf, bf sleeps alone
Sat - you and bf, gf sleeps along
Sun - you sleep alone
You - 2 nights a week with bf, 2 nights with gf, 3 nights alone
bf - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with gf, 2 nights alone
gf - 2 nights with you, 3 nights with bf, 2 nights alone
Or if that's too much, one night each during the week where one of them sleeps with you. Then alternate weekends.
Or you could skew it so that they see you more when your child isn't living with you.
Or do you not actually want to sleep alone with gf, just bf?
Sometimes it's not always about getting an exactly equal amount of time, but getting what works for everyone. If everyone makes a compromise, things are happier and more fair.
Is sleeping with you important to your bf, or does he prefer his own bed?
Thank you for your input. My girlfriend doesn't want to sleep without her husband. The only time she and I sleep the whole night together is when he is away. I'm a bit hurt by this, but have accepted it. My boyfriend doesn't mind where he sleeps, but feels guilty to be away from her bed for too long. She can't sleep with three of us together, but she also can't sleep very well without him. Luckily, I can sleep well alone, but that doesn't mean I like being lonely. It's really hard. And this is a closed triad, btw, so I don't sleep with anyone else.
I think you might want to revisit the subject with your partners. A triad is about everyone's needs being met, not just one person's. And this seems very much as if your girlfriend is expecting everyone to put her needs first. I can sympathize with not wanting to sleep alone, but I am sure she can cope one or two nights a week.
sparklepop
New member
Okay, I can absolutely see why you are upset. I think you guys need to sit down and look at your relationship rules again. Are you all meant to be equals, or are you seen as a secondary to the both of them? Do they love you, or do you only have a sexual relationship?
Sleeping together (regardless of sex) is an intimate act. If you have an intimate relationship, it's really only fair that you get that side of it too.
Is the wife trying to keep you in a box (in her mind), not fully sharing her husband with you? What's her deal here?
Incidentally, I had the same issue with my gf's hubby at first. Whenever she slept in my bed, he'd roam about the house all night, completely stressed out, not able to sleep, causing a bit of a fuss. After about three months, he slept like a baby and no longer seems to mind.
That being said, because he seems so needy, and I am stronger, I don't mind him 'having' her more than I 'get' her. I'm happy with a bit less. I just like a schedule.
Basically, if you're meant to be their other primary, if you have an intimate and not just a sexual relationship, then you have the right to have all the elements of that. If she's willing to be poly, she has to be willing to compromise. It might do her some good. It's not healthy to depend on another person so much that you can't bear even two nights a week!
Not an easy position for your bf to be in, either.
She's not going to die, to be blunt. She needs to suck it up a little and start playing fair.
----
Now that I've said this, also consider if is there anything you might get more than she does. Is it possible that she feels you two have better sex than she does with him, for example? She may not be being vindictive, perhaps she just feels like she's getting the short end of some other stick. Just a suggestion. I could be wrong.
Sleeping together (regardless of sex) is an intimate act. If you have an intimate relationship, it's really only fair that you get that side of it too.
Is the wife trying to keep you in a box (in her mind), not fully sharing her husband with you? What's her deal here?
Incidentally, I had the same issue with my gf's hubby at first. Whenever she slept in my bed, he'd roam about the house all night, completely stressed out, not able to sleep, causing a bit of a fuss. After about three months, he slept like a baby and no longer seems to mind.
That being said, because he seems so needy, and I am stronger, I don't mind him 'having' her more than I 'get' her. I'm happy with a bit less. I just like a schedule.
Basically, if you're meant to be their other primary, if you have an intimate and not just a sexual relationship, then you have the right to have all the elements of that. If she's willing to be poly, she has to be willing to compromise. It might do her some good. It's not healthy to depend on another person so much that you can't bear even two nights a week!
Not an easy position for your bf to be in, either.
She's not going to die, to be blunt. She needs to suck it up a little and start playing fair.
----
Now that I've said this, also consider if is there anything you might get more than she does. Is it possible that she feels you two have better sex than she does with him, for example? She may not be being vindictive, perhaps she just feels like she's getting the short end of some other stick. Just a suggestion. I could be wrong.
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In what area, time management?
Are you guys working on this to accommodate your need to have close time with your bf, but deal with the work schedule? If you got close time elsewhere, would you be better able to let the sleeping arrangement thing go?
Why? Is the bed too small? Room too small to fit a larger size bed? Someone snores? Sleep apnea? It gets hot with so many people? Strangled in the blankets?
Do you want/need to be in the same bed, or could you live with being in the same ROOM in another bed? Then you all could just flip which bed you are in, but all still be in the same room.
Is there too much togetherness for her comfort level, which breaks into their pillow-talk time?
Have you done your responsibility to the group to address the loneliness? Have you spoken about your wants, needs and limits? Is bf not thinking or talking about, or working on this problem because he is not aware there is a problem? Has a sleeping schedule been tried?
I'm just trying to think out loud.
GG
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BrigidsDaughter
New member
I've never actually slept overnight in the same bed with my boyfriend. He's slept here three nights this year, all of them on the couch. The most recent time was because our son was home for at least one of the nights, but the other two were because, as much as my husband would like for me to be able to have that, he doesn't sleep well without me in the bed, and our bed is not big enough for the three of us. We've tried even taking a nap before, all three of us, and it just doesn't work.
It doesn't really bother me all that much, but some of my other poly friends find it weird. Maybe it would be different if we lived together, but that isn't likely to happen.
I'm sorry that you are not able to get that need met. Hopefully you will be able to come to a compromise with your partners. I like to think that my husband would be willing to give me one night, if I really felt I needed it to be happy.
It doesn't really bother me all that much, but some of my other poly friends find it weird. Maybe it would be different if we lived together, but that isn't likely to happen.
I'm sorry that you are not able to get that need met. Hopefully you will be able to come to a compromise with your partners. I like to think that my husband would be willing to give me one night, if I really felt I needed it to be happy.
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