Ah, I missed the whole picture. My apologies.
It is easy to put our heads in the sand. The "if I ignore it, it will go away" attitude (and its little brother, "if I ignore it, it isn't happening") is the enemy of actually working through our internal "gotchas". At least acknowledging some of the things that bother him is a step. Hopefully, he continues to work on the WHY these things bother him, rather than trying to avoid them all.
But I'm a bit of a digger, so I'm kind of biased toward that. Even when the reason for doing so is sucky, and I'm hurting, I LOVE finding out new things about myself and trying to get a little bit closer into finding the butterflies that start the emotional storms. That sure isn't everyone's cup of tea, though.
I do agree with IP, that you both have valid positions, which makes this so much harder for the two of you. All I can do is offer an ear and a hug, and some positive thoughts that you'll come out of this, however you do, feeling better.
Oh! You see; I think that is one of the things that makes things hard for us (he and I).
I am a digger too. I explained it to him as being driven. I am driven to solve a problem. Like a rubix cube, I won't remove the stickers, I will keep going until I figure it out-for hours, days, months, years.
If I encounter a problem, I will keep at it until I figure it out-endlessly. Pathologically probably.
I am driven to keep digging. Even if I have to use a temporary fix for a moment, I can never be satisfied with a temporary fix. I have to keep seeking the permanent resolution.
He is not that way ESPECIALLY in terms of internal, emotional, relationship stuff. Not at all.
It frustrates him that i can't be happy with "it's good enough" and let it go.
I feel guilty-because even when I try to do that-my mind won't let it go.
I read on average 1 book a week-outside of everything else I do. Often non-fiction books. I watch history movies, I watch documentaries, I am continuously doing school work-even when I'm not enrolled in school. I am constantly seeking more knowledge, better understanding of the world, how it works, myself, other people, how I work, how they work....
and most especially how to make things work most smoothly and efficiently.
:/
And it drives people crazy.
My professors and when I was working my supervisors LOVE LOVE LOVE that in me.
My family (except for my son) hate it.
My son is the same way.
This summer I overheard him explaining to someone something that brought me to tears.
I was in the kitchen. Remember-before May he and I have never spent more than 2 weeks apart at any given time and nearly that was only once or twice a year. But this year, between May 19 and Sept 27 we only spent 2 weeks total together (and not consecutive).
After we were both home-he says to someone;
"I just need some time with my mom. The thing is, she's the only person who really understands me. We get each other. Everyone else has some sort of issue with us, either the way we think or the way we talk or what we find funny or something. But we, well we just get each other. We don't have to explain ourselves to each other, we just know."
It's true.
It hurts sometimes.
Because he's my son and I worry that he's going to have the same struggles I have; being surrounded by people who just DO NOT "get" him.
I see it already.
He's VERY social and friendly and outgoing (just like me) but he's getting burned by the complete inability of others to accept him for who he is. They love his compassionate nature, but they want to claim it for themselves (he's does NOT do "possessiveness"). They love his fun-loving "go for broke" silliness; but they get upset because he also has a serious side and expects a certain amount of respect and civility to people who are different.
They love that he's protective of the underdog-when they are the underdog; but they are offended when he's not accepting of their use of derogatory terms and treatment of people who are another race, religion, sexuality etc.
They are thrilled when he gives them a gift. But unhappy that he does that for everyone he cares for.
Yeah-I "get" him.
But God it's a difficult road. Being so many counter intuitive things all at once.
People want you to love THEM> They don't want someone who loves indiscriminantly.
People want you to want THEM> They don't want you to want close bonds with anyone you have in your life.
People want you to protect them> They dont want you to be protective of everyone.
People want to make a claim. It's not enough that you are in their life and devoted and loyal and caring and considerate. They want to possess those things, claim them and be able to brag that those things are for THEM and them alone.
When that isn't you-when "you" is someone who just IS those things always.... That results in you being the outcast.