Bi gf wants to open up for her to be with girls

MrMark

New member
We have been together for 6 years now. Our relationship has been a good one but now we have hit a problem. My gf wants to date girls. I don't feel very good about it especially because she does not want me to see other girls.

This has been dragging us down for a while and I think there is a chance that our thing will blow up unless we come up with a fair solution.

So please, give me some advice on how to make this as fair as possible. I really don't want to break up over this but I can also see that if I agree on this, it will make me feel really bad.

Thanks in advance.
 
Hello MrMark,

The most fair solution I can think of, would be for both of you to be free to date both other men and other women. I take it you are not bi. Maybe your girlfriend feels that she should have special rights (as a bi partner) that you (as a hetero partner) should not have. However, it is not fair for her to be dating other people when you don't have the same freedom.

I know you don't want to break up with your girlfriend, but you can't move forward unless she agrees to whatever you suggest. Right now the two of you are at an impasse.

I hope you can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hello MrMark,

The most fair solution I can think of, would be for both of you to be free to date both other men and other women. I take it you are not bi. Maybe your girlfriend feels that she should have special rights (as a bi partner) that you (as a hetero partner) should not have. However, it is not fair for her to be dating other people when you don't have the same freedom.

I know you don't want to break up with your girlfriend, but you can't move forward unless she agrees to whatever you suggest. Right now the two of you are at an impasse.

I hope you can work something out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Hey,

Thanks for your reply.

That does not sound fair at all as I am totally fine with being closed. There might be some point for letting her date girls but guys, no thanks. I would rather break up than go that way.

I don't know if she is feeling entitled to something. Interesting thought. If that is really what she thinks, this will not work out.
 
What have the last 6 years been like for the two of you?
Is she just now realizing her attraction to women?
Maybe her asking for the permission to explore this could be taken as a testament to the stable relationship she has with you?

I suggest taking this one step at a time and slowly. Figure out your why's before making decisions.
Knowing yourself will aid in creating your boundaries, same goes for her.

Fairness is not a word I would choose to use, bc life isn't fair.

You do, however have every right for your needs to be met and so does she.
 
Does she actually want poly? Or is poly just the "solution" so she can date women while not breaking up with you?

I don't feel very good about it especially because she does not want me to see other girls.

Would you feel better about it if you too could date girls?

I can also see that if I agree on this, it will make me feel really bad.

Or even if you could date other people... you would still feel bad because the relationship shape you like best is 2 people only?

If that's what you like best, I think all you can do is speak your truth. You don't want to be doing that. And you don't love the idea of breaking up either.

Yet you have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

Perhaps ending it so she can be free TO pursue poly and you can be free FROM poly things you do not want IS the fair solution.

I encourage you two to talk. Lean INTO it and sort it out one way or another. I think it is better to part ways politely, even with regrets than to be bending yourselves into pretzels or one or the other doings stuff they don't really want to be doing.

Parting ways? That's an unfortunate situation.

Doing stuff you really don't want to be doing? That's not self-honoring or self-respecting.

Galagirl
 
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That does not sound fair at all as I am totally fine with being closed. There might be some point for letting her date girls but guys, no thanks. I would rather break up than go that way.

I don't know if she is feeling entitled to something. Interesting thought. If that is really what she thinks, this will not work out.
It's not any more fair that she denies her need either, just because you're fine being closed.

I don't think the concept of "fairness" helps in these discussions. Just realize that you are two different people with different needs. Your task as a couple is to honour both perspectives while together, or else part ways.

I'm sorry this is so hard.
 
Hey again.

It looks like we found a decent compromise. She gets to date girls and I get to have casual sex with girls. Also she suggested a friend for hers for me to have fun with.

I think this is reasonable enough.
 
What have the last 6 years been like for the two of you?
Is she just now realizing her attraction to women?
Maybe her asking for the permission to explore this could be taken as a testament to the stable relationship she has with you?

I suggest taking this one step at a time and slowly. Figure out your why's before making decisions.
Knowing yourself will aid in creating your boundaries, same goes for her.

Fairness is not a word I would choose to use, bc life isn't fair.

You do, however have every right for your needs to be met and so does she.

She has been bi as long as I have known her. Fairness is needed, if there is not fairness then there will be a discontent person on a relationship. That is not good.
 
Does she actually want poly? Or is poly just the "solution" so she can date women while not breaking up with you?



Would you feel better about it if you too could date girls?



Or even if you could date other people... you would still feel bad because the relationship shape you like best is 2 people only?

If that's what you like best, I think all you can do is speak your truth. You don't want to be doing that. And you don't love the idea of breaking up either.

Yet you have to be able to say "I love you a whole lot. But not even for you will I do things that hurt me."

Perhaps ending it so she can be free TO pursue poly and you can be free FROM poly things you do not want IS the fair solution.

I encourage you two to talk. Lean INTO it and sort it out one way or another. I think it is better to part ways politely, even with regrets than to be bending yourselves into pretzels or one or the other doings stuff they don't really want to be doing.

Parting ways? That's an unfortunate situation.

Doing stuff you really don't want to be doing? That's not self-honoring or self-respecting.

Galagirl

I don't know what poly is, exactly. Isn't dating me and someone else within the definition of poly?

It would make me feel better to be dating a bit for myself. I would prefer us to be closed but that option is becoming harder to get every day.

Anyway, I think we found our solution. It is workable for me. Thanks for your reply, :)
 
It's not any more fair that she denies her need either, just because you're fine being closed.

I don't think the concept of "fairness" helps in these discussions. Just realize that you are two different people with different needs. Your task as a couple is to honour both perspectives while together, or else part ways.

I'm sorry this is so hard.

I don't understand this. She is not entitled to open up just because she is bisexual. We have agreed on our rules and staying within those rules is fair. Changing them to benefit just one person is not.

We have a solution now, I think it will be ok.
 
None of the things that you feel will be protected by keeping it to women will be protected. She could just as easily leave you for a woman as she could a man. If you can't accept her dating whoever she wants and vice versa, stay closed or split up.

That is not factually correct.

Let's assume that she would date a guy and get pregnant in couple of years. What if the baby is not mine? That would be 8 wasted years and I would need to find another partner to have a life with.
 
What if YOU get someone pregnant?

What if you fall in love?
 
That is not factually correct.

Let's assume that she would date a guy and get pregnant in couple of years. What if the baby is not mine? That would be 8 wasted years and I would need to find another partner to have a life with.

She could date guys with a vasectomy. Or, like many non monogamous networks, you could help co-parent a child who isn't biologically related to you. She could refrain from vaginal sex without 2 methods of contraception. If you and her want to try for a baby, she could keep to oral, manual and anal sex with other male partners to ensure paternity.

I know a good few guys who would be fine with a partner who only has oral and anal sex with them. They'd find it hot as hell in fact.

I think you'd both be better served by facing your insecurities and opening your relationship without gender restrictions or keeping it closed.

What about a transwoman? many trans women (even with penises) cannot conceive a child. Or someone non-binary. Where would they fit into your rules?
 
What if YOU get someone pregnant?

What if you fall in love?

If I were to catch feelings, I would just end the thing and get over those feelings. Just like you do with crushes. I have plenty of experience with fwb:s before I met my gf and I have never before been in love. I think that the chances of that happening are slim at best.

More interesting is that if I were to get someone pregnant. Well, I am not the one who would be carrting the child for starters and if we were to be married, there would be a test to determine if the kid was mine for that other woman. But the funny thing is that if my gf/wife would get pregnant, the kid would atuomatically be mine. If my gf/wife would refuse the test, I would have nothing left to do than become a father. Even if I tested the kid myself, it does not matter.

Also a guy will not get custody over the mother even if he wanted to. If I don't want the custody and the woman would not want that either, then there would be abortion.
 
She could date guys with a vasectomy. Or, like many non monogamous networks, you could help co-parent a child who isn't biologically related to you. She could refrain from vaginal sex without 2 methods of contraception. If you and her want to try for a baby, she could keep to oral, manual and anal sex with other male partners to ensure paternity.

I know a good few guys who would be fine with a partner who only has oral and anal sex with them. They'd find it hot as hell in fact.

I think you'd both be better served by facing your insecurities and opening your relationship without gender restrictions or keeping it closed.

What about a transwoman? many trans women (even with penises) cannot conceive a child. Or someone non-binary. Where would they fit into your rules?

This is somewhat irrelevant, because there is no need for me to buy what you are trying to sell. It was a factual correction for you.

Anyway I will respond.

Vasectomy is not at all common here. Very, very few guys go that route.

Why would I want to coparent someone elses kid? I want my own family, thank you.

Again, there is no reason for me to consent on that. I don't want that so it will not happen. It would absolutely not be good for me. That is just ridiculous.

And lastly, that is a huge no. Even worse than a guy. I could not live with a person who would be dating a [removed by moderator].
 
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More personal questions, you don't have to answer publicly: If you can sleep with girls, is the problem of her dating girls solved for you? Or will you still get resentful with time? Will you still blame her for not wanting to stick to your original monogamous agreements?
 
More personal questions, you don't have to answer publicly: If you can sleep with girls, is the problem of her dating girls solved for you? Or will you still get resentful with time? Will you still blame her for not wanting to stick to your original monogamous agreements?

It is not solved, it would be a compromise for me. I don't know if I would be resentful but there is at least a chance that I would not be.

If I agree on something, then the blame is on me for agreeing.
 
This is somewhat irrelevant, because there is no need for me to buy what you are trying to sell. It was a factual correction for you.

Anyway I will respond.

Vasectomy is not at all common here. Very, very few guys go that route.

Why would I want to coparent someone elses kid? I want my own family, thank you.

Again, there is no reason for me to consent on that. I don't want that so it will not happen. It would absolutely not be good for me. That is just ridiculous.

And lastly, that is a huge no. Even worse than a guy. I could not live with a person who would be dating a [removed by moderator].

Okay. I see the last bit has been addressed. Moving very swiftly on. The reason I'd argue that you do need to buy what I am selling is because of what you originally said wasn't fair.

Firstly, it's important to understand that your mindset about this isn't anything new to most of us. Most of us have heard every single reason why people feel they must have gender based restrictions and seen where and why they work out over the long term for only a minority of people.

With your case, I'm guessing that your partner doesn't want you to date women for pretty much the same reasons you don't want her to date men: Fear of replacement. You feel that another man would naturally threaten your positon as her man in ways that a woman would not. She feels the same about other women. The thing is, she is bi and you are not. So that leaves her with the option of dating women and you the option of learning to be attracted to men to achieve some sort of equality in an open relationship. You said you don't feel this is fair. You can't help that you aren't bi.

That's why I am suggesting that the way forward is to both accept that a gender based restriction will not protect your relationship. Monogamy won't even guarantee that neither of you will fall out of the love with the other or in love with someone else. If you can both work on developing a different mindset, it will allow you both the freedom to date who you are attracted to rather than creating an unequal situation where you are forced to accept a One sided open relationship due to your sexuality.

You might be interested to know that I have known of bisexual people in heterosexual relationships who have tricked their partner into doing emotional labour that they were not prepared to do by encouraging them to pursue these lines of thought. What they ended up with is a monogamous partner taking care of the house and family duties while they got to have fun and sexy nights with other people of the same sex. Some of those would become deeply entangled relationships. I'd make sure that isn't happening to you.
 
It is not solved, it would be a compromise for me. I don't know if I would be resentful but there is at least a chance that I would not be.

If I agree on something, then the blame is on me for agreeing.
I have no problem with the gender restriction if she's fine with it. It depends on her motivation. If she, in fact, wants to date guys too, then I'm not sure it will work.

But I'm not sure 'compromise' without deep understanding and acceptance is enough here.
I see you're taking on responsibility for making the agreement. That's nice, and it helps conflict resolution later. But if you DO become resentful, then what? Do you expect yourself to suck it up? And if she can't handle the first time you're with another girl and she can't handle it, do you expect her to suck it up?

I hope not.
Poly doesn't work under such a rigid mindset. Every rigid unchangeable agreement you make will come back to hunt you - just as your monogamous agreements aren't working for your girlfriend now.

What I encourage you to do instead is baby steps.
Maybe your "open just for girls" agreement will work for you eventually.
But for now, go slow and commit to doing inner work as you go on - both of you. Try to understand with an open mind what she's missing in a monogamous relationship. Read up on open relationships more. Visit a poly meeting and a swinger's club and just talk to the people there, see what good stuff they get out of being open. Go to a kink event, if that's your thing. Invite a girl out just for dinner. Let your gf snuggle with a friend (if they are up for it), and just see if anything about your relationship changed. Disentangle a bit, think about granting each other more independence. Examine your beliefs about sex and why sexual exclusivity is needed.

Keep a goal in mind (like partially open with both people happy), and work towards it, always just stretching as far as possible at the moment.
 
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