Greetings!

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phoenix522

New member
Hello one and all,

I'm not real sure today if polyamory is going to work for me, or not. Of course, feedback is always welcome, but I have some issues to work out in my own mind.

Here's the deal. My wife Destiny found a boyfriend, Dakota, last November. He dumped her in January and she came clean to me about it. (She had no idea I knew about the affair.)

Now here we are in August, with an understanding that we are free to do as we want. I have a wonderful new girlfriend (Daisy) and Destiny is back with Dakota, the guy she originally cheated on me with. It gets better!

Dakota is married and cheating on his wife with Destiny! She cannot see him more than two nights a week and they don't get to do anything together, like dinner or dancing. She has openly admitted to me that she is very envious of my relationship with Daisy, because she's single and has her own place. We go do things together, both sexually and non-sexually, so Destiny isn't happy, because she can't do those same things with Dakota.

Now here is the dilemma I am facing. I promised we could live here until she Destiny out of school and has a job, two years minimum. I made this promise before I had Daisy. I had feelings of worthlessness and figured I'd die a lonely old man,so what the heck? I was also holding on to the last threads of a failed marriage.

The last time we talked, Destiny that she wanted five or six years because, "I really like the house." This is no reason to stay married, in my mind. We do things together, but we are more like friends who share a bed than anything else.

When I tried to gauge our relationship, I mentioned sex, and she said that her body was no longer mine to play with, and I could not touch her.

I know sex doesn't make a relationship, but dammit it does help to show that we do love one another and there is affection and more. I get all the sex I want from Daisy, but when I'm paying the bills, mortgage, tuition, etc. while Destiny goes to school, I just want to chuck her out on her ass.

Now I'm wondering if Destiny and I can work out an understanding on the issue of sex, if maybe a poly lifestyle might suit us better. She's been cheating on me off and on since we were first married. It has, however, been with guys that she has known for a long time, old boyfriends, etc., so I know it isn't a sexual thing as much as an attempt to relive her past failed relationships.

Now that we are both dating, our marriage is actually improving. She treats me better than ever before. But again, the whole sex thing needs to be worked out. Or am I way out in left field?

Thanks for taking the time to listen. I can't stop you from voicing your opinions, nor would I want to.
 
Welcome to the boards.

It sounds to me that your marriage is broken and not likely to be fixable. Your wife Destiny isn't expanding her life by adding a boyfriend. She's replacing you by having a boyfriend. That Dakota is married and cheating on his wife means she can't run off with him and simply leave you, so it appears she's wanting to use you for basic support until she can support herself. Or she thinks Dakota will leave his wife.

You can try counseling. The whole "hands off" thing suggests that won't do much good, though. If it were me, I'd visit my attorney and file for divorce.
 
Welcome.

I pretty much agree with SeventhCrow on this, mainly because your post provides little reason to believe that you love Destiny, or that she loves you.

Sex is no substitute for real love and affection. Sex with these is great! But sex without them is ... ho-hum.

Was there real love between the two of you at one time?
 
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Shafted

Man, it sounds like you're really getting shafted here. 5 years of keeping someone financially when she has repeatedly taken advantage of you, and told you hands-off, sounds like a prison sentence.

What do you get out of this? Your needs are the most important thing for you to evaluate as you make this decision. What you have described is not poly. It just sounds like you're being scammed.

I suggest you erase Destiny's manipulative ideas from your mind and think about what you would like to see happen in your own life. If you don't think she will love you and help you get there, then you are holding yourself back from the opportunity for happiness outside this confusing relationship.

I have been guilty of cheating and lying myself, so I'm not on my high horse about that. But if there is no desire to make amends, work through it, and find happiness together-- connection, deepening of love, true concern for one another's well being and growth-- than it's just time to move on, and believe that if you do the right thing for yourself, others will do right by you.
 
I also think it sounds like time to file for divorce. She is using you for financial support and nothing more.
 
If she's cheated on you right from the start of the marriage, something is very askew here. Why has she cheated? Maybe she never loved you in the first place? Was this a marriage of convenience at the time? How old are you both now?

I love solving problems that no one else can; it's my forte. While I would personally divorce her in a NY minute, rather than hang with her for 5 more years, maybe there's more here than we know. Maybe it's salvageable for you two.

Who knows? It sounds like you two have some figuring out to do.
 
You don't even have a relationship to lose, IMO. This is not a poly situation in any way. You are being used. You both need to move on and out.
I wonder what has kept you there for this long.
 
Everyone so far has given great advice and I agree with all of it. If I were you I would say this to her, "Destiny, I'm changing the locks tomorrow, so you better get what you need and leave. I will be filing for divorce as soon as possible and will not support you one moment longer. Tonight you can sleep on the couch and I will have the bed. Furthermore, I suggest that you take a long hard look at your relationships with people, as I think your cheating ways will catch up with you and you will die a bitter old woman who has never given love in order to receive love."

I would take the time to be sure you know what your rights are beforehand, and be very sure you are ready, as she sounds like a fighter who figures the world owes her something.

I am sorry you have experienced this. It is abuse, imo. But you had a part to play in letting her walk all over you. Don't do it again! No one should ever let anyone for one second feel they aren't worthy of love and respect. Once you start on that path, it is hard to come back from it.

Make sure that Daisy treats you with respect, and that you do the same. If she doesn't, then get out fast. You will be sad, but it is so worth what it does to your self esteem. Hopefully you will see that as you blindside your wife and overturn the hurtful, self-centered, selfish, cruel and self-righteous world she has been living in.

I would love to be there to smack her upside the head, personally, not to mention the man she calls hers and has the gall to call her boyfriend. What is that? It degrades the word! It disgusts me to no end the pain people cause one another. Really it does!
 
It just sounds like you're being used. She is going to get everything she can from you for as long as you'll give it to her, or until she finds someone else to actually move on to fully. Not only do you no longer have what I'd consider a marriage, but she is destroying her Dakota's marriage as well, with cheating rather than honesty with his wife.

Poly is about love, trust, honesty, and mutual respect for needs/desires. Destiny doesn't seem to know what "mutual" means. Please don't put yourself through this any longer.
 
It sounds like she has changed the relationship from lovers to roommates. You are trying to see if you can go back to being lovers.

I think you should decide if you enjoy her as a friend and as a roommate. If so, is it worth supporting her? If it is, then maybe long term, you could change back to being lovers again. But it doesn't really sound like this would be good for you. Destiny cheated on you before, and it doesn't really sound like she has changed, so you would have a hard time trusting her.

I think she is just biding her time until she find another relationship to go to. I have been in a similar circumstance. However, I was ok giving money to help my ex-girlfriend move out and be with her new boyfriend. I even gave her $500 a month for half a year to help out. I still cared for her, but we were not getting along.
 
redpepper said:
Everyone so far has given great advice and I agree with all of it. If I were you I would say this to her,

"sweetheart, I'm changing the locks tomorrow so you better get what you need and leave. I will be filing for divorce as soon as possible and will not support you one moment longer. Tonight you can sleep on the couch and I will have the bed. Further more I suggest that you take a long hard look at your relationships with people as I think your cheating ways will catch up with you and you will die a bitter old woman who has never given in order to receive love."

I would take the time to be sure you know what your rights are before hand and be very sure you are ready as she sounds like a fighter who figures the world owes her something.

I am sorry you have experienced this kind of abuse, it is abuse to me, but you had a part to play in letting her walk all over you. Don't do it again! No one should ever let anyone for one second feel they aren't worthy of love and respect. Once started on that path it is hard to come back from it.

Make sure that this next woman treats you with respect and that you do the same. If she doesn't then get out fast. You will be sad, but it is so worth what it does to your self esteem. Hopefully you will see that as you blind side your wife and upturn the hurtful, self centered, selfish, cruel and self righteous world she has been living in.

I would love to be there to smack her up side the head personally, not to mention the man she calls hers and has the gaul to call her boyfriend. What is that? It degrades the word! It discusts me to no end the pain people cause one another. Really it does!
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Could not have said it better myself.
 
Quath said:
I have been in a similar circumstance. However, I was ok giving money to help my ex-girlfriend move out and be with her new boyfriend. I even gave her $500 a month for half a year to help out. I still cared for her, but we were not getting along.
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Quath, why would you do this? I don't get why anyone would get to the point where they needed me to support them, or let things get to the point where I needed supporting. I can see borrowing money to get on my feet, or lending it to an ex to do so. But for the long haul, I don't get it!
 
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phoenix522 said:
Wife said last time we talked that she wanted five or six years because, "I really like the house". This is no reason to stay married in my mind.
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Agreed. Lame excuse.


phoenix522 said:
We do things together but we are more friends who share a bed more than anything else.

When I tried to gauge our relationship, I mentioned sex and she said that her body was no longer mine to play with and I could not touch.

I know sex doesn't make a relationship but dammit it does help to show that we do love one another and it is affection and more. I get all the sex I want from girlfriend but when I'm paying the bills, mortgage, tuition, etc. while wife goes to school, I just want to chuck her out on her @$$.

Now that we are both dating, our marriage is actually improving. She treats me better than ever before but again, the whole sex thing needs to be worked out. (or, am I way out in left field?)
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I'm sure you're not the first guy ever to be stuck in a sexless marriage, and while I'm with many of the other posters, I'd agree with you that your marriage is broken, failed, however you want to put it. However I'm going to go against the grain here and offer something less confrontational....just because there's always another option...

You need to ask youself...do you need to have sex with her? Is there something else about your relationship worth salvaging? You say your marriage is improving so is it really an essential element of your relationship, or was it a bone of contention that was just causing friction? (Dare I refer to another thread and suggest lube?) For the moment at least....if you are getting what you need from your girlfriend, can you wait out the next couple years to see if your marriage can be brought of life support on it's own terms or cordially disolved on schedule? How comfortable are you on renegging your previous agreement to support her through school? (regardless of the your initial motivations for making it)

Now...it sounds like she's lacking in the ethics department, so I'm not sure I'd trust this woman as far as you could spit her....she's cheated on you, which once you're open allows her to be honest about that with you...but she's with another cheating spouse, and nothing good can come of it. She's already acknowleged that in commenting on your own relationship with the gf. I suspect if you do keep your marriage in play, you might start making moves to have it disolved by the time she's finished school in two years, and start talking to a lawyer now about the implications of the house, the boyfriends/girlfriends, and what not....especially since it sounds like she might want to keep part of it. The marriage is a legal bond which can be a b*tch to sevre...but it sounds like there's nothing left in this that'd be worth keeping that link. Do you really want to wait 5 years, or even 2 before you start the process? If the bed sharing relationship you have with her isn't worth having her tied to your house, finances, pension, possible kids, etc....then you will need to cut loose eventually. And let's face it....poly or not, just by the numbers it's easier to find prospective mates if you get to select from the whole pool of available people....and not just those who can accept that you're already married in fact if not in name.

Ask yourself the hard questions, and be very honest with yourself about the answers. Try to detach yourself from the emotions long enough to make a calm rational decision,...this is the step most people seem to miss, and I'm convinced it's what causes a lot of the tears and heartache. It sounds cold, but you need to make your calculations with a level head to decide where you want to be in a year or two, or five, and how you want to get there.

Good luck.
 
redpepper said:
Why would you do this? I don't get why anyone would get to the point where they needed me to support them, or would let things get to the point where I needed supporting. I can see borrowing money to get on my feet, or lending it to an ex to do so, but for the long haul, I don't get it.
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Well, I brought her from Georgia to California when I got a job here. She wasn't having much luck getting a job. After about a year here, things between us were getting worse and worse. She had multiple personalities and I think some of them were not liking me anymore. Plus she had two children. So I saw it as a kind of mixture of alimony and child support, even though the kids were not mine. We still loved each other in the end, but it just was not working out.
 
ImaginaryIllusion said:
Ask yourself the hard questions, and be very honest with yourself about the answers. Try to detach yourself from the emotions long enough to make a calm rational decision. This is the step most people seem to miss, and I'm convinced it's what causes a lot of the tears and heartache. It sounds cold, but you need to make your calculations with a level head to decide where you want to be in a year, or two, or five, and how you want to get there.
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Awesome advice. This is good advice for any situation, let alone this one. I can think of many poly situations where this would be useful. Thanks, Imaginary.
 
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Your wife has repeatedly broken your marriage committment through deception and disloyalty. She is now engaging in deception that could very well result in the destruction of another marriage. She is starving you for affection, which also violates your vows (if you promised to love, honor and cherish each other). Any one of these would be reason enough. You are free to leave whenever you're ready.
 
Quath said:
Well, I brought her from Georgia to California when I got a job here. She wasn't having much luck getting a job. After about a year here, things between us were getting worse and worse. She had multiple personalities and I think some of them were not liking me anymore. Plus she had two children, so I saw it as a kind of mixture of alimony and child support, even though the kids were not mine. We still loved each other in the end, but it just was not working out.
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Wow, complicated and intriguing. I can see where you are coming from.
 
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