New territory, not dealing….tips please

J

Jinglebells3675

New member
Myself and my husband of 12 years have been swinging for the past 6 years. Two years ago, we spent 6 months in a relationship with another female. Which went south as they had an amazing time together while I was out of the country. We had always played together before that. I was so jealous for want of a better word and it took a lot of soul searching to recognise the problem was mine.

We currently have an interesting situation with another couple. I meet the mr on my own, spend the night together, texting constantly, phone sex, exploring new sexual kinks. My husband has the same set up with the Mrs of the other couple. We are both happy with the new additions.

He was away with her last night and I am really struggling with the emotional side. I want this for him, I am having an amazing time and I want that freedom for him too but it also makes me feel a little sick when I imagine it.

We are incredibly honest, open and secure in our relationship so I don’t really know where this jealousy stems from. It is new territory but I was an emotional mess last night despite knowing his new relationship doesn’t detract from what we have.

I am looking for coping strategies please.

I also have some unrealistic expectations that I need to navigate. When he gets home later tonight, I will want to reconnect, sex is generally how we do this. But he won’t be interested as he has been at it like a rabbit for the last 24hours. Any tips on navigating this without ending up feeling hurt and rejected?
 
Let's break this down.

You and h have been together 12 years.
You've been swinging for 6 years.
You played together at first.
After 4 years, he had a gf for 6 months while you were out of town/country.
You felt jealous that they were together and you weren't involved.
Now you're both doing a partner swap with another MF couple.
You spend X number of nights per week with the guy, and you text/sext constantly, explore kinks.
Your husband, likewise, is enjoying his new partner.

It sounds to me, just from your brief post, that you are struggling with being as independent as you need to be to swing or practice polyamory as two separate beings. It was one thing if you were both having sex with the same women simultaneously, or maybe doing a partner swap in the same room or just briefly in different rooms at a swinger event. But actually dating separately makes you feel upset.

Jealousy is generally a word we use when we are afraid of loss. Are you feeling too distant from your husband? Is he spending more time with his other partner than you feel comfortable with? Are you just missing him? Are you both spending too much time with your other partners, either in person or on text? Could you talk this over and decide to spend less time with others, and more time together, really together, date times, intense sex? Sometimes married couples spend time in the same house but aren't really interacting. It's not quality time. When you go to schedule time with your other partners, make sure to schedule quality time with your husband, as well.

Just sitting in the same room, or separate rooms, constantly texting your OSOs, is not going to benefit your marital relationship.

We get a lot of people coming here that used to swing together as a couple, but start getting more independent and also developing feelings for their sex partners, who begin to be more like lovers. This is a transition time and is going to feel awkward.

Also, look for the book Opening Up. It covers all the bases, between swinging and polyamory.
 
Magdlyn said:
Let's break this down.

You and h have been together 12 years.
You've been swinging for 6 years.
You played together at first.
After 4 years, he had a gf for 6 months while you were out of town/country.
You felt jealous that they were together and you weren't involved.
Now you're both doing a partner swap with another MF couple.
You spend X number of nights per week with the guy, and you text/sext constantly, explore kinks.
Your husband, likewise, is enjoying his new partner.

It sounds to me, just from your brief post, that you are struggling with being as independent as you need to be to swing or practice polyamory as two separate beings. It was one thing if you were both having sex with the same women simultaneously, or maybe doing a partner swap in the same room or just briefly in different rooms at a swinger event. But actually dating separately makes you feel upset.

Jealousy is generally a word we use when we are afraid of loss. Are you feeling too distant from your husband? Is he spending more time with his other partner than you feel comfortable with? Are you just missing him? Are you both spending too much time with your other partners, either in person or on text? Could you talk this over and decide to spend less time with others, and more time together, really together, date times, intense sex? Sometimes married couples spend time in the same house but aren't really interacting. It's not quality time. When you go to schedule time with your other partners, make sure to schedule quality time with your husband, as well.

Just sitting in the same room, or separate rooms, constantly texting your OSOs, is not going to benefit your marital relationship.

We get a lot of people coming here that used to swing together as a couple, but start getting more independent and also developing feelings for their sex partners, who begin to be more like lovers. This is a transition time and is going to feel awkward.

Also, look for the book Opening Up. It covers all the bases, between swinging and polyamory.
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Thank you for your comprehensive reply, certainly some very valid points.

You summary is almost spot on except the 6 month GF was both of ours.

I very much feel like it is a transition and I am just trying to navigate through it. We both want this but both are finding some aspects a little tricky. I don’t feel distant from him, we are close and had the most fabulous, intimate weekend together. One night a week for now with other partners, 3 nights a week together as I work away. I am comfortable with the time split but I definitely miss him, manageable so though. The texting can be a little intense but feel we are addressing that so our time together is more focused. I think that’s a really good point regarding scheduling time together and this is something we have discussed.

I thing from a moving forward perspective, I wouldn’t choose for new partners to be fellow swingers. We have all played together many times and I have a very active imagination. Thinking in pictures can be hard. I think it would be easier if I had never watched him as a lover with his other partner. Does that make sense?

Any imput on reconnecting when he returns. I feel almost emotionally bruised and would like a little bit of time before we discuss things but that’s not practical due to life!

Thank you for your help and insight.
 
You consider the former gf (let's call her Beth) was your gf even though you didn't get to spend much time with her during the 6 months she was in your life? It sounds like you and she had sex for a period of time, and then you went away, and she was just with Bob for a while. Did you veto their relationship because of your jealousy/envy?

I am not sure but it seems like you are saying your regular schedule is to work away from home for 3 days a week? Has that always been the case? Was the idea of sex with others partly to give you and Bob (your husband) sex when you 2 couldn't be together?

Why are you just now wondering how to reconnect with Bob when you've been in an open relationship for 6 years? There are many ways to reconnect. You say you usually have sex right away, but that won't be possible this time, for some reason, because he has had more sex than usual? Doesn't he usually have a lot of sex when he is with another partner? Has he told you he's completely drained? How long does it take him to recharge? You must know this after 12 years together. Meanwhile, y'all could just talk, go out for dinner or eat at home together, sleep together, and then have sex after he's recharged. Why is it so hard to be OK with him needing time to recharge? What has changed since Beth?
 
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Also, do I understand that you and Bob, and this other couple, Jane and Matt, all played together in one space, but just recently you've been each dating them separately? So, somehow, since you've already seen Bob and Jane have sex, your mind keeps returning to that image, and instead of finding it pleasant, or a turn-on, it increases your bad feelings?
 
Magdlyn said:
You consider the former gf (let's call her Beth) was your gf even though you didn't get to spend much time with her during the 6 months she was in your life? It sounds like you and she had sex for a period of time, and then you went away, and she was just with Bob for a while. Did you veto their relationship because of your jealousy/envy?

I am not sure but it seems like you are saying your regular schedule is to work away from home for 3 days a week? Has that always been the case? Was the idea of sex with others partly to give you and Bob (your husband) sex when you 2 couldn't be together?

Why are you just now wondering how to reconnect with Bob when you've been in an open relationship for 6 years? There are many ways to reconnect. You say you usually have sex right away, but that won't be possible this time, for some reason, because he has had more sex than usual? Doesn't he usually have a lot of sex when he is with another partner? Has he told you he's completely drained? How long does it take him to recharge? You must know this after 12 years together. Meanwhile, y'all could just talk, go out for dinner or eat at home together, sleep together, and then have sex after he's recharged. Why is it so hard to be OK with him needing time to recharge? What has changed since Beth?
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I don’t think I explained myself too well. Me, Beth and bob lived together in a three way relationship for 6 months. The issue came when I was out of the country for a week and they continued, with my consent, but I had a very strong emotional reaction that was totally unjustified. I felt betrayed and jealousy. I didn’t veto it, circumstances changed and it gradually became more casual. We talked together and worked through it.

Staying away from home is a new thing, the last 2 months and only temporary. Another month to go.

I guess I need to make peace with him spending his battery elsewhere. It’s perfectly reasonable when you put it like that but I would be lying if I said it didn’t annoy me. When we swing he never “finishes” we more often than not finish together, hence we have that instant reconnection.
 
I'm at a stage of my life where I'm very much accepting of the way people are without expecting much change.

That's largely because I interact mostly with people who have been the way they are far too long to change much: old people.

I include myself in this. Some things about me just "are". They're neither good, nor bad, because it's a waste of time thinking of those unchangeable things in that light.

So, my advice to you is just to accept the way you are. Accepting doesn't mean expecting others to change to enable you in any way. In your specific case, it would mean accepting that you're going to feel shit while he's away and doing whatever you usually do to distract you when you have to sit about a shitty time.

So, that brings us back to the usual advice of do something fun or peaceful or tiring to pass the time. When you can't do that, just feel like shit for a few hours/days knowing it will pass.

Another part of accepting is just knowing that unfortunately, the expectation of sex is probably a fruitless one. So I'd push that aside, and accept it isn't going to have the outcome I want
 
Jinglebells3675 said:
I don’t think I explained myself too well. Me, Beth and bob lived together in a three way relationship for 6 months. The issue came when I was out of the country for a week and they continued, with my consent, but I had a very strong emotional reaction that was totally unjustified. I felt betrayed and jealousy. I didn’t veto it, circumstances changed and it gradually became more casual. We talked together and worked through it.
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And what was the conclusion? Did Beth move in soon after you and Bob met her? Did you feel territorial, kind of displaced? Was there a lack of trust?

Would you prefer to not live with other partners full time, just you and Bob, and see others while they maintained their own residences?

Just so you know, polyamory doesn't mean triads, it doesn't mean everyone has to live together. Some of us have large poly networks and there's no way we'd all want to live together. In my case, I have a nesting partner, Pixi, who is with me 4 days a week, and with her bf at his place 3 days a week. My newer bf Aries comes here when Pixi is away, but only for 2 nights. I get one day/night all to myself. :)
Jinglebells3675 said:
Staying away from home is a new thing, the last 2 months and only temporary. Another month to go.

I guess I need to make peace with him spending his battery elsewhere. It’s perfectly reasonable when you put it like that, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t annoy me. When we swing he never finishes. We more often than not finish together. Hence, we have that instant reconnection.
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I see. You've been used to him saving his orgasm for you. Now he's going ahead and having sex independently and you are having to make that adjustment. Well, having sex with Jane, even a lot of sex in 24 hours, does not necessarily mean he won't still desire you or want to please you, if that would feel reassuring. Even if he's not horny enough to get hard, you and he could still cuddle naked and maybe you could ask him to pleasure you with things other than his cock.

Edit: I see I disagree with Seasoned. So there you go, 2 options about what to do and expect, from 2 different people.
 
Magdlyn said:
Well, having sex with Jane, even a lot of sex in 24 hours, does not necessarily mean he won't still desire you or want to please you, if that would feel reassuring. Even if he's not horny enough to get hard, you and he could still cuddle naked and maybe you could ask him to pleasure you with things other than his cock.

Edit: I see I disagree with Seasoned. So there you go, 2 options about what to do and expect, from 2 different people.
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It's not that I think nobody wants to or physically can, it just seems like she already knows this guy is one that likes some transition time and/or physically cannot.

I've known of situations where people like the OP feel entitled to "reconnection sex" and then it all gets a bit too much pressure for that sex to be ethical, leave alone fun.
 
Is this like poly hell feelings?

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
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But in a swinging context where you swing separately now?

Or are these new relationships with the new partners more like... "We used to swing together. But now we each are each developing poly relationships separately with our former swing partners."

Maybe you could read that together and talk about how not to fall into those pitfalls?

You seem to want to transition and want these new relaltionships. And are asking "How can I ease this transition for myself? Figure out ways to reconnect with my partner after time away with other partner?"

I thing from a moving forward perspective, I wouldn’t choose for new partners to be fellow swingers. We have all played together many times and I have a very active imagination. Thinking in pictures can be hard. I think it would be easier if I had never watched him as a lover with his other partner. Does that make sense?
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Yes. It makes sense.

Like people struggling with jealousy might imagine what their partner is doing with their new person, if they are sharing sex, etc.

You actually KNOW what it looks like because you have seen them share sex in a swinging context. So there's that burden. It's not imagination to you.

I could see "No poly dating any swing partners" and keeping those parts of your life more separated. You have learned something from this experience.

Maybe you want to stop sharing swinging sex with this group of people now that it's poly dating from the sound of it?

Any imput on reconnecting when he returns. I feel almost emotionally bruised and would like a little bit of time before we discuss things but that’s not practical due to life!
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What does that mean in bold? What does a "bit of time" look like to you? Why can't you make the time before setting a time to discuss things? What things need discussion?

If part of your reconnecting ritual during a swinging encounter was for him to share his orgasm with you or "finish" with you?

Well, this is new. Finding ways to reconnect after your separate poly dates.

Presumably you have your own regular dates.

But could ASK each other and think to yourselves what you would like in terms of "after care" since you seem to need some right now as you deal with this change. Maybe you also need some "before care" too?

I think you both could talk it out and figure out what you would like for now during this transition. And be open to it changing again later on as you become more confident in this new model you are doing.
 
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