So, I haven't really been posting. I feel the need to post this because, well...my breakup and heartbreak had nothing to do with poly. I enjoy clarity and wanted to offer it.
I am an alcoholic. While I am not a raging, fiending, losing control alcoholic. I did in fact NEED to drink to sleep. This has become a habit and one I could not stop on my own. I was a high functioning drinker. I can say things like it didn't affect me day to day, my life was normal. I just slept well. But that isn't true.
Where this affected me in relationships was an inherent dullness. I like the analogy of a knife. I was a little dull and a lot over used, and hadnt been sharpened in years. Everyone who met me, met the real Ariakas, but in the end, I was...off. The alcohol created that affect. In the last bunch of months, even though I had cut way back, it was still affecting me in physical and depressive ways. Regardless of how much I wouldn't drink, I was sad and sick, for that matter getting sicker.
I didn't know what I needed to get better. I was losing the fight...
Sourgirl did something for me no one else could do. She held up a mirror, showed me what was happening, and then broke up with me. She loved me enough to be my friend. This is a step, last week, I despised... but this week I have learned to appreciate and love. I would not have seen the severity of my problem without her loving me enough to do that. I have had a few people help me through this and I appreciate all of their support. Thank you its been a hard road and I am only at the start.
I am not sure how much I will be posting, or what I will be able to post. I am very focussed on my recovery and being with the people I love.