While I understand and agree with this, for the most part, I have to admit that I am also guilty of being a #3 or #4 in the list of important people in my life. I put God first, then comes my wife, then my kids (these two depend on the situation at the time), then comes D, then S, then myself. I guess I'm fairly low on the totem pole.
Yeah. That's the exact same expression my ex-h used, except he said he was at the bottom.
My kids are young adults now, but of course, when they are little, their needs had to come first, because kids can't wait. But if a parent, male or female, doesn't at least attempt to meet their own basic needs, they will burn out and be lesser parents than they could be.
As guys (or the male-acting part of a relationship), we are charged with having the higher responsibility of caring for everyone's happiness and well-being. It's a societal charge, but it is ours to take on, I guess. (Not that women CAN'T do it, just that traditionally men do it.)
Really? I find it odd you feel this way. But I was a stay-at-home, breastfeeding, homeschooling mama.
My ex-h went to work and paid for our happiness, while I stayed home and made food, educated/entertained the kids, and made the holidays happen.
Can I, as a man, simply shirk my responsibilities and make only myself happy?
Where did I say make "only" yourself happy? I just said, make sure your own feelings are heard, and your own needs are met. EVERYONE's feelings are important. Not just "theirs." Yours, too.
Well, I COULD, but then I would be sad anyway. Why? Because the ones I really care about are hurt. And often times, I actually care about them more than myself. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be happy. If it's at the expense of my OWN happiness, I'm ok with that, until it becomes apparent that they could not care less about whether or not I'm happy. Then I get hurt, and I lash out at them and make sure that I'm the happy one.
There you go! That was my ex, exactly. He gives and gives and gives, and then doesn't feel "appreciated," and gets all resentful and passive aggressive. In fact, his present gf has now kicked him out of their apartment for this very behavior. And with our kids, this behavior of putting their need ALWAYS first becomes enabling and detrimental to their social development, not a benefit.
I got so frustrated with him over this. He'd do something, make a decision with me, act like he was fine with it, and months later let me know how I used him, and didn't care about him, when I just thought he was okay with whatever decision he made. Now that's one reason we are divorcing, and the main reason his gf has kicked him out!
But in every relationship, there should be give and take. It should be a symbiotic relationship. The moment it becomes all give and no take. or all take and no give, it turns into a parasitic relationship. I know how I deal with parasites.. How do you deal with them? Dazed, it sounds like your other half is being a parasite.
Yes, low self-esteem will lead you to let your partner do things that you really aren't fine with, while gathering crumbs of her dwindling affection along the way.
NRE should never let you dis your primary. When I have NRE with a new partner, I always make sure I give my gf *extra* love and talks and dates. Not out of duty, but because her love supports my ability to be polyamorous, and to grow socially, and I love the heck out of her for supporting me like this.
