Hi Magdlyn,
Thanks very much for your thoughtful post.
You sound very passive. You sometimes seem to stand up for yourself, but then you back down. You continually leave things up to him, but then you think he is leaving things up to his wife. And yet, you don't want her to have control over your relationship with him. And round and round you go.
Round and round we go is about right.
You sound lonely, and so you are settling for the crumbs from a very busy married man, with a demanding job, and 2 teenagers cooped up in the pandemic. His wife resents his relationship with you. She doesn't want this poly arrangement to go on. He knows this, and yet he continues to communicate with you, at your insistence and instigation. He is almost as passive as you are.
The way they work things is and has been befuddling to me.
It's true that Winter continues to communicate with me and see me to the extent that he does today, but it's not at my insistence or instigation, but it's my choice obviously if I want to stop seeing him or stop communicating with him. As I mentioned, I took space for many years without speaking to him after ending things and asking him to not contact me, which he did not. If I asked him to do so again, he would respect that to..
But outside of that, in your personal life, you can make changes. You don't have to wait. You KNOW you are bending yourself in pretzels to grasp to the life raft of Winter, which is barely afloat. You are torturing yourself.
His wife will still resent you even if you move closer. Don't you see that? It will still suck. Winter is making bad choices. Both of you seem to be lacking in self respect.
If you really really think things will be better in a few years, when his kids move out, you could cut ties for now and give it time. Don't worry if HE gets anxious if you go no-contact. That's his feeling to deal with. I don't know if things WILL get better now. He's told you point blank he will never leave his wife. You could take him at his word.
I believe he has no intention of leaving the marriage, he has always made this clear. In addition, I want him to do what is feels best for him and for the kids too, whatever that means.
I accept that he means it, although admittedly it causes me grief at time still.
My biggest issue with things is not that he is married, because honestly I don't think I want to have a 'nesting partner' persay in general, nor do I have any intention of getting married again myself. I don't believe in lifetime commitments any longer, and am open to a number of arrangements.
I genuinely like living by myself and being completely financially independent, and I would not want that to change. I wouldn't be open to seeing anyone that wants a monogamous full-time relationship, including him. It's not as though I don't feel like I'm not worth it. I'd like to have another man to spend time with, get to know, and maybe have a sexual relationship. What I really am missing most, is having someone to have weekends with and travel, when that becomes a thing again.
Neither of us put any expectation on the other, at this point anyhow, of not seeing other people or being in committed relationships with others.
It does piss me off that Winter does want me to find a (nesting) partner as if he knows what is best for me, and I tell him so. Maybe it would make *him* feel better, but that's not my problem.
I do think he might have more room and time for his personal life outside of his married life when his kids move out.I'm not waiting to explore anything else waiting for that.
I had gone on some standard online dating sites, since meeting someone elsewhere is not doable in the pandemic, but it's just a weird time for everyone. Some of the men I spoke to over the summer were looking for something that might lead towards marriage, or a committed mono relationship. When I told them I had a man in my life, universally that was a non-starter. I guess that leaves if I want to explore things it will probably need to be via poly. It seems a bit tiring to me to think about it, especially with the current state of affairs with Winter.
All of that being said, yes I am in torment.
Space Cadet doesn't want her husband to have a poly relationship with you. But she doesn't accept he does, and then leave him to it, and split. Everyone is choosing to simmer in resentment, together but apart, in passivity, spinning their wheels. Demanding one crumb for herself, with which he agrees, to not actually fuck you. Bleh.
We only live once. Why live in misery, when you have the power to make changes for the better?
And so, yes, I don't want to live feeling the way I do today about things, which is why I told Winter I felt this way and asked him to discuss how we could get out out of this maddening loop.
If we can't find some arrangement that suits, then I rpobably will need to take a break for however long I need it, and that is what I am struggling with, especially since I don't have a real support structure in my life, because of my life issues etc.
I'm looking to change that, but am recognizing I need more support in life. I decided to look for a poly kink friendly therapist and spoke to one today and set up an initial appointment. I hadn't even considered until recently that there were options like this, although I do have to pay for it myself, it's worth it. I have a lot of need of general support and help sorting through all of this tuff related to Winter, and what model for relationships might work for me, and how to go about it.
I feel greatly relieved after I did this. I think it will be a big step in the right direction, and will help me address my mental health in general.
Anna Xx