Over the last few months, I have been unhappy within our relationship, but I still believed that Lena and I would be together through life. Even when I started this thread, I was still hopeful that that would be the case. However, after the last few days, I believe that Lena and I might be finished.
I'm sorry. It sounds like you are dealing with anticipatory grief, like, you know you want to break up, and you don't want to break up, but you know it's pointing there, and you are nearing acceptance.
Tread with caution though. If you make her pick you or Grant, what will you do if she says, "Ok, I pick Grant. Get out of my house," if you haven't planned for that eventuality?
She's already said she wants polyamory, and won't budge. I don't get why you would give her an ultimatum of "me or Grant." It's not like if Grant is gone you will do polyamory with her and other people. You just plain don't like polyamory. And that is ok. But the bottom line is, if you don't want polyamory, and Lena does, you are not compatible anymore.
I get why you'd be tempted to offer an ultimatum. You sound really hurt. She's not listening to you. It seems like you want to raise the volume to finally be heard. Perhaps you just want an answer, and for all this agony to be over.
But if you cannot afford to move right now, don't give ultimatums that may leave you homeless with no place to go. You are responsible for your own emergency preparation.
She says that this is temporary, and that she needs some space for a week or so, and that it is all my fault.
That is blaming you for having a preference of your own.
It is ok for you not to like polyamory. You don't have to. You don't have to be up for everything she's up for.
She doesn't want to accept this, and is acting out, cajoling you, trying to get her way. That is kinda mean.
She insists that I have to trust her, and that she can make the three of us work. She also says, "We will cross that bridge when we come to it" a lot now.
When someone runs right over you, doesn't listen, ignores your concerns, how does that inspire trust?
When there is no reasonable plan, and it's all fly by the seat of her pants, "cross that bridge when we get to it," I can't imagine that inspires trustworthiness either.
However, she has decided that she wants a polyamorous relationship that is out in the open, and is not willing to budge on that. She says that Grant loves her and is willing to take a chance on it, so why am I not?
If she cannot see you as a whole person, in and of yourself, that's her problem. You and Grant are
different people. You do not both have to be up for the same things. Right now you are getting steamrolled by Lena, a lot. So no, you are
not excited about it.
"If you really loved me you would do X...." is a mean kind of thing to say. Love is
shared. It doesn't have to be "proven" all the time, and it isn't used as a means to make people do stuff they don't want to do.
If you don't want polyamory, you are no longer compatible with Lena. Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. Sharing a kink is also not enough.
You don't have to bend yourself into horrible pretzels, clinging to something you don't actually want, just to be around her. You don't have to do stuff you don't like just to "prove" you love her. She can do polyamory with Grant and a new person. You don't have to be there in her poly network, just suffering.
She has also admitted, after me bugging her about it a lot, that when she is ready to have a baby, she wants Grant to be the father; that Grant is a great dad, and that she is in the process of trying to build a loving relationship with his son, and that it makes sense, given that I am her cuckold, and Grant is her bull and dom, that he will be the dad, and that that is the reason that she stopped me from having PIV sex with her. I'm very hurt by this, because at the time she made out that it was part of our kink, and that it made me more of a cuckold, which is what she liked and wanted.
Is this how
you want to enjoy cuckolding? Is this the kind of kink pain you enjoy, or is this crossing the line into PAIN pain?
I think when this all blows over, if you like the cuckolding as a kink, you might learn about what are healthy kink boundaries, and what are not, before trying to have that dynamic with a new partner.
A dom exists only at the consent of a sub. There could be an agreed framework, like, "Within this scope you can do things to me. Outside this scope, no. This kind of hurt is ok, but that other stuff is
harmful to me. "
She talks about still loving me very much, and I love her more than I've loved anyone in my life, but I can't go with what she wants. I just can't.....
It's ok that you have reached your limit. You can't go on and on just putting yourself in harm's way. You have to be able to say, "I love you a whole lot. But no, not even for you will I do or stay in stuff that harms me. I have to care about and love myself, too."
When she comes back, I am going to tell her that it's got to be Grant or me. I don't feel comfortable doing this, but now feel I have no choice.
You don't have to give Lena the power anymore, where
she picks what happens to you.
You could decide for yourself what happens to you. If this situation has become awful to you--
- It you can afford it right now, you could go find a flat and quietly move out while she's gone. Just stop participating here.
- If you cannot afford it yet, you could decide you are going to leave (privately thinking it in your head), and start discreetly looking at rent/friends/family/shelters. Then quietly start saving for moving day. And when that day comes, be gone.
In your healing time, I would encourage you to find a kink-friendly counselor.
Galagirl
