Electrons Introduction

GalaGirl

Well-known member
In a most recent conversation with her, I asked if he overheard us having sex the last time I was there. She said, he hadn't mentioned it but would ask if he did. She added that if he did overhear us, she would ask how he felt about it. . . Was it bad . . or did he enjoy it? I thought to myself . . enjoy it? Seriously?
I'm going to guess. I might guess wrong.

I wonder if you were concerned about being too loud and needed some reassurance from her that things were ok/quiet enough/not embarrassing/you are welcome in her home or whatever it was.

But you didn't articulate the need. Like why you care/worry if he overheard. You just asked if he heard.

And she was willing to go find out. From years of habit her focus was on her DH's feelings/needs rather than yours. Instead of asking clarifying questions to find out your need like... "Well, I could ask him if he overheard. Not really clear on why you need that though. Are you feeling ok about it? Did you need reassuring it was quiet enough or ok to be loud or ok that you are here in my home?"

And then you took it personally maybe? Because you are scanning for evidence to support the "He's her Mr Right. I'm Mr Right Now. I'll never matter to her like him" belief?

Rather asking her to please focus on your needs and explaining what your need is in this moment?

So then maybe it bothered you?

Is that true?

The conversation ended, but I that line stuck with me.

How come?

It is possible he feels compersion and that is it. Like... glad his wife is happy with her other partner. But no kinks around it.

Yesterday, I was explaining this situation (his seeing us together from the outset, his encouraging her for months, her wondering if he enjoyed overhearing us) to someone and they suggested that he is hotwifing. I looked it up and read about what it is and it's 100% aligned with my observations.

Maybe yes, maybe not.

All that in bold could also be him trying to be supportive and her being a newbie hinge and starting to date outside their marriage.

Don't jump to hotwifing conclusions before you actually confirm anything with him directly. Talk him directly or to both of them about it. Don't use your hinge like a go-between. That can lead to miscommunications.

And if you don't want to be overheard, don't share sex at her place when he's around. Or limit it to your place or "neutral" spaces like hotels. You DO have control over your life, you know.

Should I ask her to confirm if this is what's going on? And if so . . . is she is aware of the kink? if he is aware? have they've discussed it? when did they know? and why I'm "figuring it out" and not already been told? If anything, the most dealbreakering is if it was known, but not disclosed from the beginning. . . I'm feeling a bit "used".

Understandable to feel upset/used if you did not give consent to participate in anything like that and they are doing some sort of secret, unethical hotwife scene using you like a toy/spying or whatever.

But you know what? Roomies who are not dating or married have to deal with overhearing each other's sex noises when they have guests over. Like just regular life.

So... don't leap to conclusions just yet.

If he's straining to hear from another room, that's one thing . . but my mind goes to hidden baby monitor, perhaps video, perhaps he's outside their bedroom window peeking in? Now I've got all this in my mind to deal with too.

So... why does your mind do that? Are you good at calming your own self or do you let your feelings runaway all over the place?

You didn't meet them last night. You've been in this V with them a bit over a year. Do you not trust yourself to be a good judge of character? Does anything about his character suggest he's gonna be creeper like that? Does he treat his wife poorly? Like it would be ok to violate her privacy this way? Does he treat you poorly? Like he would violate your privacy this way?

Don't make it bigger than it is chasing anxiety thoughts like "what if this and that" and upsetting yourself further.

But do have a talk to clear some of these concerns up.

Most of what I read strikes me as ok enough for the age of the group, people are newbies but trying.

You struggling with whether or not she can give you enough of a poly GF relationship to still make this worthwhile or not. Because the NRE thing is fading and a comet FWB is not what you ultimately want.

So you either have to end it and move on and return to monogamy, end it and move on to date poly people who can give you more time/loving touch/a firmer place in their real life, or accept that's all she can give. A secondary FWB comet thing. So you keep seeing her, but in that context and don't try to remake her over into "poly GF." You seek someone else for that.

And all that is compounded by you being an anxious sort of person who worries a lot. And is looking to a newbie hinge to be the "leader" and provide stability rather than creating your own stability.

If you change your mind about letting this ride and end it? The whole hotwife worry becomes moot.

So yeah, it's a concern, but maybe you could try to deal with your concerns in order?

You decided to let this ride for now. (That was my impression.)

Ok. For how long? Give it another 3, 6, 12 mos? And in that time what do you need to be happier?

To talk to her about coming out, meeting friends and family, be more included in her life rather than "on the shelf." More time together so loving touch can happen (your main love language.) Setting some personal boundaries. You get she's a newbie too, but you don't want to hear so much about DH. You aren't dating him. You are dating her.

And for all that to happen? YOUR skill bucket to grow might involve becoming more assertive, taking up some space, and not rocking your own boat or chasing anxiety "what if this and that" thoughts.

Or if you are gonna do that, ANSWER yourself. Like...

What if I get caught in the rain? Well, that stinks, but I don't melt. I'll find a towel. And next time bring umbrella/check weather.

What if I run out of gas? Well, I have some gas right now, so I'll drive the gas station to fill up and then I don't have to worry later.

What if this is all there is? I can't have more than a comet FWB with her? I can make decisions.
  • I can leave it how it is... and not date anyone else
  • I can leave it how it is... enjoy it for what it is, and also start to date new people who can better meet my GF needs better
  • I can end it.
You are not helpless.

Galagirl
 
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Electrons

New member
It could just be compersion, as in, "Oh, I love my wife and like knowing she is having fun with someone who appreciates her and treats her well."

Well, that is a bit of catastrophizing. You may just be getting paranoid.
My understanding is compersion is about enjoying seeing your wife in love and being loved in a polyAMOROUS way. Hotwifing is enjoying knowing, hearing , seeing (cuckhold) the wife having sex and physical stuff.

Since he was encouraged her to dance, kiss, touch and explore way before anyone said Poly or Love. ... also, I was told (by one of her friends) of a previous time when they were all liquored up at a bar, she was flirting and making out with a stranger, and he there watching and enjoying it. The friend did not understand how he could permit that, but then once she and I started dating, she figured, well, that just his kink... a bit more evidence.

Might be conclusion jumping, or catastrophiczing, or paranoia. OMG i will be so disappointed if there's hidden audio or video. Yes, it would very much over at that point.
 

Electrons

New member
TBT, I'm a fun guy with not a lot of hang ups. If he or they said it is his kink.. I'd voluntarily be louder, scream her name, etc. I have a touch of exhibitionist in me, so WTF.

I don't think I really care about what he is thinking about or masturbating , while she and I are going at it

Just want honesty and disclosure. I don't want sneaky and paranoia in my brain

Let's have fun!
 

Electrons

New member
Over the weekend, we are at a party, all three of us, and she's near me, holding my hand, rubbing my shoulders, kissing, dancing, and he's off in the distance watching and smiling. At times, I did feel a little bit like a prop being used on their play. At other times, I yuck it up and make the kiss a longer and more passionate and noisy for all to see. At one point, he and I were alone and he says to me, "Thank you. You are helping in so many ways. You don't even know the ways." I didn't get a chance to ask for him to elaborate, but will see him tonight and plan to follow up, since he broke the ice.

Some time later, the hinge and I leave the party to go back to their place and get at it. He comes home super late, like 2 or 3 am, and sleeps in the spare room. I leave in the morning before he emerges from the room. . . and she plans to "check on him". Wink Wink.

What's interesting to me is . . . She and I have never talked about the kink.. She keeps talking about being Poly and how he's feeling Compersion. . . but it obvious that he's getting off on this scene, not just compersion. I know she knows there's an uptick in their sex life, and she's enjoying that, because she said so. I have to imagine that she's aware of this as his kink, but I don't know if she knows of it as having a known name of "hotfwifing". . . that's never come up. Maybe I've been deluded all along and she's got an anklet somewhere and she knows full on what's up and just doesn't talk about it with me and would rather sell the experience as her being Poly.

Is "being Poly" somehow more acceptable than "being a hotwife"?

Can one be both Poly and a Hotwife at the same time . .. or is it more that he is Hotwifing and she is Polyamorous?
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Can one be both Poly and a Hotwife at the same time

Yes. Someone could be both polyamorous and have a hotwife kink.

. .. or is it more that he is Hotwifing and she is Polyamorous?

I don't think guessing is as productive as asking each one of them directly.

Since you plan to talk to him directly about it tonight? I suggest getting your thoughts in order and asking all the questions you want to ask.

Galagirl
 
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