Electrons Introduction

Electrons

New member
Is this how it ends? The metamour changes mind about being a Poly couple and this terminates the relationship between the two other people. . . that's a lot of power!? Does this happen often?

I've been just a lurker here for several months, reading a lot on all the topics, trying to get an understanding of the scene. This thread jarred me into registering and writing a first post.

I'm a mid 50's single guy, always have been mono. Last year, I met a women and we had that instant connection - one that was unlike any other either of us have ever felt. She had always been mono and has been with her #1 for 20 years. She has no intention on leaving him, but (due to her sparks with me) they agreed to their boundaries and shifted to a Poly arrangement to allow her to experiment as the hinge, with the known heirarchy of me being her #2.

She and I have been seeing each other weekly and are enjoying all the NRE hormones flowing - feeling love, intimacy, and who knows, maybe just maybe we are soul mates indeed. He (my metamour) says he feels compersion, has kept his insecurities and jealousy in check, and has also been seeking new relationships for himself and I hope he finds one that is as satisfying as what I have found. We've all met and everyone is cool. I feel lucky to be in this relationship with her (them?), but at the same time, there's a foreseeable future out there where it could all come crashing down, totally out of my controls, and for no reason of my own doing . . . because in this newly experimenting Poly couple, the primary metamour could change his mind and ask the hinge break it off with me, the #2.

1. This forces me to live in the moment even more, not entertain dreams/ fantasy about a longer term relationship, and simply enjoy the time she and I have together.

2. What I'm trying to wrap my head around is. . . . if #1 did ask her to end their Poly experiment - and this is something she is embracing and enjoying to the fullest - would that not be the same as asking a person who has "come out of the closet" . . to go back into the closet?
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
You might consider asking a mod to split your post into a thread of its own so more people see it.

We've all met and everyone is cool. I feel lucky to be in this relationship with her (them?), but at the same time, there's a foreseeable future out there where it could all come crashing down, totally out of my controls, and for no reason of my own doing . . .

That possibility exists even in a monogamous relationships. Your partner could decide to end it out of the blue, out of your control, for no reason of your own doing.

because in this newly experimenting Poly couple, the primary metamour could change his mind and ask the hinge break it off with me, the #2.

Well, if they practice primary-secondary model? And do vetos? Yes. That could happen. The meta could change his mind and ask the hinge to dump you.

At the same time? Hinge behavior is ultimately up to the hinge.
  • The hinge could agree and dump you.
  • The hinge could say "No, thanks. I said I would, but nope. Not actually gonna veto."

You might want to ask if they have any agreements that would affect you. Especially if you weren't part of the agreement making.

And if you don't like anything, ask to renegotiate agreements now that you ARE part of the group.

There's lots of threads on here with veto issues. Here's one article.


If this network does do veto, and you were not told before, and/or you don't like it? You may have to decide if you want to keep going with it as is, ask the renegotiate agreements, or bow out.

1. This forces me to live in the moment even more, not entertain dreams/ fantasy about a longer term relationship, and simply enjoy the time she and I have together.

Nothing wrong with either. Enjoying the present moment. Or dreaming about the future.

2. What I'm trying to wrap my head around is. . . . if #1 did ask her to end their Poly experiment - and this is something she is embracing and enjoying to the fullest - would that not be the same as asking a person who has "come out of the closet" . . to go back into the closet?

To me? No. To others? Maybe. I don't know. It's hard for me to imagine because to me it's two separate issues. People can practice poly while still being in the "poly closet."

To me the question would be "if #1 did ask her to end their Poly experiment and go back to monogamy with just them - and poly is something she is embracing and enjoying to the fullest... what would she do? Would she go back?"

Cuz if meta wants to stop and hinge wants to keep going? That's possible to do. They could part ways. Then meta can stop. And hinge can keep going.

If what you need is reassurance from hinge on how she'd break up with you IF she had to break up with you? So it's decent and not like at the whim of the meta? Talk that out with hinge.

Galagirl
 
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Electrons

New member
You might consider asking a mod to split your post into a thread of its own so more people see it.



That possibility exists even in a monogamous relationships. Your partner could decide to end it out of the blue, out of your control, for no reason of your own doing.



Well, if they practice primary-secondary model? And do vetos? Yes. That could happen. The meta could change his mind and ask the hinge to dump you.

At the same time? Hinge behavior is ultimately up to the hinge.
  • The hinge could agree and dump you.
  • The hinge could say "No, thanks. I said I would, but nope. Not actually gonna veto."

You might want to ask if they have any agreements that would affect you. Especially if you weren't part of the agreement making.

And if you don't like anything, ask to renegotiate agreements now that you ARE part of the group.

There's lots of threads on here with veto issues. Here's one article.


If this network does do veto, and you were not told before, and/or you don't like it? You may have to decide if you want to keep going with it as is, ask the renegotiate agreements, or bow out.



Nothing wrong with either. Enjoying the present moment. Or dreaming about the future.



To me? No. To others? Maybe. I don't know. It's hard for me to imagine because to me it's two separate issues. People can practice poly while still being in the "poly closet."

To me the question would be "if #1 did ask her to end their Poly experiment and go back to monogamy with just them - and poly is something she is embracing and enjoying to the fullest... what would she do? Would she go back?"

Cuz if meta wants to stop and hinge wants to keep going? That's possible to do. They could part ways. Then meta can stop. And hinge can keep going.

If what you need is reassurance from hinge on how she'd break up with you IF she had to break up with you? So it's decent and not like at the whim of the meta? Talk that out with hinge.

Galagirl
From the very outset, hinge had originally stated that #1 had the power to call this all off and she would comply with such request. My being #2 was all very clearly spelled out - mostly to alleviate his insecurity - and I suppose in part to prevent me from thinking things might ever develop beyond a #2 level of her heirarchy.

With every day that's passed by, it seems less and less likely that meta will change mind and ask her to end Poly agreement. . . but Yes, I will ask if that "veto power" has changed now that she's embracing and enjoying poly, and the "could you even go back to mono" if asked to - of which I am most curious as well.

I know relationships of mono or poly can end suddenly and without good reason. Reasurrance of how it ends (via meta) would be nice, but in reality not possible. I suppose my request is simple - if/when it comes time, she tells me it is that she has changed her mind, and not that she has been asked to change her mind by #1 and she has agreed to that request.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Electrons,

Sorry you are in such a difficult position, you are at the mercy of #1 and his veto power, you have the sword of Damocles hanging over your head. The hinge could cancel the veto power, but again that is not up to you. The best you can do is live in the moment, and try not to worry too much about the future.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Electrons

New member
Been a few months, so I thought I should post an update about my Poly Hetero, MFM, Heirarchy, Vee, where I'm #2. I'm not totally sold that I am Poly, but rather I'm dating a woman who is the hinge in her Poly scene.

Summertime done come and gone . . . and what a glorious summer it was. Hinge and I spent plenty of time together and continued to fall deeper and deeper into our relationship of love, intimacy, fun, and frolicking about. Our one per week Date Night quickly became 2 or 3 nights, with overnights and hotels and road trips and more. She's having the time of her life,and I must say, so am I. We are both still living in the moment and enjoyed all the NRE that we could squeeze out of each other over the summer. I calculated that she and I spend around 7% of our time together

Hinge and her #1 continued to live their solid relationship together (the other 93% of time), cohabitating and having their good times together too. He did start seeing other women, and happily expanded his Poly world and experiences. This worked well for me as when he was out on his Date Nights, my lovely hinge would find more of her time available for me. So, based on this, maybe I can report that the idea that Meta could issue a Veto on Hinge and I having a rel is in our past. I don't actually know if Damocles sword is still there or not, I don't imagine it is, but either way I've just come to accept that a sudden termination could happen and not look for the sword.

Meta and I spent some time together this summer, just he and I, trying to get to know each other a bit more, but it's kinda awkward. We do not talk about our relationships with Hinge, and I can't find much else that we have in common. TBT, if it weren't for Hinge, he does not seem like the kind of guy I would normally become friends with. . . but I'm trying.

Overall, there's very little serious talk of anything long term for our V. When she and I are not together, we'll send a few texts and cutesy heart emojis, but I do get this feeling that I've been put on a shelf and will stay there until she's ready to pull me in and play again. I suppose that's just the way of it for the V Heirarchy #2. Am I just the boy toy? A mere lover? A dalliance? Or is/ was there something deeper? I get confused because it feels like it's a lot more, and it's pure magic when we are together, but then, when we are not together, she's gone ghost town and I'm wondering where I really am in the relationship.

As these initial months of NRE are now getting long, I can feel it fading a bit. Especially and mostly when we are not together. Being together is so intense, when it comes to time to say goodbye/ goodnight, it really kinda hurts. and to follow that departure up with a few days of feeling like I've been shelved is kinda miserable. Of course, whenever we do meet up again, all that lovin' goodness returns and we just melt into each other.

What I'm now wondering is the "what if" for the past few months. What if we hadn't limited these first few months to One or Two dates a week? What if we had dove in and went 4 or 5 or more from the outset? Would the NRE have faded quicker? Or would we have enjoyed 4 or 5 more date nights per week and still be at this same place currently? Of course, I realize it could not have been more at the outset, because of this being Hinge and #1 first experience into Poly and they are just making it up as they go along. . .and Having Bought the Ticket, I'm Taking the Ride.

But I do wonder . . "what if"
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Electrons,

Thank you for that update, I am glad that things are going well with your partner/hinge, and even with your metamour (her #1). Things are going so well that you are thinking the risk of Veto Power has decreased and maybe even gone away, and that sword of Damocles is no longer hanging over your head, or even if it is, you have come to a place of acceptance about that situation. It's great that you and Meta are making some efforts to become friends or at least, be on friendly terms with each other. Just know that that is not a requirement. More like a bonus if you can do it.

You may want to have a talk with Hinge about where you stand in your relationship with her. Are you just there for casual sex when she wants it, or is she in love with you, and is that a romantic/emotional commitment for her? Hell, you may want to ask yourself whether you are in love with her, and are you romantically/emotionally committed to her. That sword cuts both ways!

I do not know what would have happened if you and Hinge had started out with four or five dates per week. Are you thinking maybe she (unwittingly) denied you of the love you could have had with her? Did her #1 deny her of that love? We could drive ourselves insane asking these questions, it's too late to get in a time machine and have her do the extra dating with you that you wanted her to do. It is hard to know how that would have played out. There is some good (and euphoria) in your relationship with Hinge, and some pain (when she puts you on the shelf, like a toy).

I hope things will get better over time.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Electrons

New member
Kevin, your analysis is spot on as always. Yes, I am feeling she unwittingly denied the both of a lot of love . . I wonder if I there's some anger or resentment buried inside that is driving that? One of the things this experience is bringing to me is a lot of personal, emotional reflection. Of course, no time machine and no turning back, and this idea is just a silly thought experiment, but I am seriously left with wondering about possibilities of the road not taken.

OK . . communication is key. Hinge and I have talked a lot about our feelings and she says she's in love with me and that there is a romantic and emotional connection . . but sometimes actions don't align with words. What she does is shelf me until she's ready to play again . . I don't know how much she's even thinking about me or "missing me" during the times we are apart. She says we would not be in any extended relationship if she wasn't in love with me . . . I take this to mean that the first time we hooked up, it was casual sex, but then we fell in love and what's continued on after is due to the feelings of love, not merely just the sexual desire. I would never know of course. . .and yes, I can see how these kinds of mind readings and what if's and such could easily drive a person batty.

Now. . . I have been thinking of things in terms of romantic / emotional as a CONNECTION. . . . but Kevin, you wrote "romantic/ emotional COMMITMENT". Please elaborate! Yes, I feel that I love her, I feel connected as if we've been long lost soul mates . . . but Emotional Commitment. . . what's that?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I think your "what if" is pointless, as you suggested. Lots of mono relationships start out with only one date a week, or even much less. Some serious relationships take place mostly online, for months or even years.

I wouldn't blame the polyamory for only a couple dates a week in the beginning. I know NRE makes us feel like we want to be together every day, talk on the phone for hours when we aren't physically together. That's Mother Nature's way of making sure we have plenty of sex to cause us to procreate. It's hormonal. It's not necessary for love to bud and blossom and grow, however.

Most adults can delay gratification and take what they can practically get as far as frequency of dates. There are other things to tend to, after all, such as jobs, kids, other family (like an elder parent for example), friends, hobbies, exercise, housework!

But your feeling of being a toy on a shelf, only taken down for playtime, that could and maybe should be addressed. Why is that feeling there? Lack of communication in between irl dates. You want more communication than a quick jokey text here and there. Does she not like to text, or talk on the phone, for more than a couple minutes a day? You could tell her you'd prefer more, and see what she says. It's always OK to ask for your needs or desires to be met, rather than simmering in unease, loneliness, resentment, etc. Some people just aren't good texters, though. But maybe if she reassured you she was thinking of you often, even if she doesn't hop on her phone and tell you, it might help.

If you want to feel like more than a toy being used for sex, it is perfectly reasonable to express this and ask for reassurance.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Electrons,

Emotional commitment is what happens when one chooses to make one's partner a priority -- not just put that partner on a shelf. It sounds like she loves you enough to make a poly arrangement with you in it, but not enough to make you feel loved when she can't be with you. And not enough to spare you of the dreaded Veto, nor enough to spare you of the #2 placement. Emotional commitment means going further than one's own gratification. It means dedication to the other person's well-being as well.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 

Electrons

New member
Hi Electrons,

Emotional commitment is what happens when one chooses to make one's partner a priority -- not just put that partner on a shelf. It sounds like she loves you enough to make a poly arrangement with you in it, but not enough to make you feel loved when she can't be with you. And not enough to spare you of the dreaded Veto, nor enough to spare you of the #2 placement. Emotional commitment means going further than one's own gratification. It means dedication to the other person's well-being as well.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
When you put it this way, I can tell for sure that she is not "there" yet . . . and I'm not even sure if she (we) are heading that way.
Good thoughts, Thanks.
 

Electrons

New member
I wouldn't blame the polyamory for only a couple dates a week in the beginning. I know NRE makes us feel like we want to be together every day, talk on the phone for hours when we aren't physically together. That's Mother Nature's way of making sure we have plenty of sex to cause us to procreate. It's hormonal. It's not necessary for love to bud and blossom and grow, however.

Most adults can delay gratification and take what they can practically get as far as frequency of dates. There are other things to tend to, after all, such as jobs, kids, other family (like an elder parent for example), friends, hobbies, exercise, housework!
I don't blame poly for our slow start, it was more a matter of the specific situation . . and yes, "what if" exercise is totally pointless. . . other than to potentially guide decision making in the future. So . . Here's my NRE question, it does not matter whether the couple is poly or mono. We know NRE won't last forever. I think I read that it typically might last around a year. So from the start to the end, there's a decline. Of course, every couple will have a unique experience. . . . but Typically . . if a couple met daily from the outset of a new relationship, would they burn through their NRE quicker than if that same couple delayed gratification and only met once a week or less?


But your feeling of being a toy on a shelf, only taken down for playtime, that could and maybe should be addressed. Why is that feeling there? Lack of communication in between irl dates. You want more communication than a quick jokey text here and there. Does she not like to text, or talk on the phone, for more than a couple minutes a day? You could tell her you'd prefer more, and see what she says. It's always OK to ask for your needs or desires to be met, rather than simmering in unease, loneliness, resentment, etc. Some people just aren't good texters, though. But maybe if she reassured you she was thinking of you often, even if she doesn't hop on her phone and tell you, it might help.

If you want to feel like more than a toy being used for sex, it is perfectly reasonable to express this and ask for reassurance.

We do text and phone in between irl dates. We communicate very well. She knows that I prefer more and I believe that she is giving all that is available for me. I guess I just have to figure out a way to stop complaining about wanting more of what I know won't be coming along. Our love is limitless, our time is not. Another exercise in futility, right?

And besides, isn't this is exactly what I signed up for as #2 in the heirarchy structure . . . being shelved for most of the time, being patient about it, and then getting to take my no-strings attached turn with a thrilling date night every now and then. . . with the trade off being my not having the day to day stresses, chores, bills, and strings attached kind of stuff that #1 gets to deal with. He's Mr. Right . . . but I'm Mr. Right Now. (or is this the difference between emotional connection and emotional committment, Kevin?)

Maybe if I spun my mindset and approached our limited time together more like the every-other-weekend-divorced dad who gets to take the kids to fun events, ball games and amusement parks, but then returns them home to mom for chores, discipline, and schoolwork.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Interestingly, when a new couple has a long-distance relationship, their NRE tends to last longer. Of course, there also tends to be more conflict in their relationship (than in a short-distance relationship), long-distance relationships are hard to sustain. So maybe there is something to the idea of burning through the NRE faster if you date every day.

Yes, emotional connection is, "Mr. Right Now," while emotional commitment is, "Mr. Right." At least that's one example of the difference. When one is emotionally committed, strings are attached and one embraces those strings.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Electrons have you ever discussed how she and her husband decided to open and how they landed in the poly end of the pool ? I think maybe either their collective motivation or maybe someone’s individual motivation could be the answer to some of the disconnect coming from her end. At the very least it’s worth having that conversation with each of them to see what each of them have to say .
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I don't blame poly for our slow start, it was more a matter of the specific situation . . and yes, "what if" exercise is totally pointless. . . other than to potentially guide decision making in the future. So . . Here's my NRE question, it does not matter whether the couple is poly or mono. We know NRE won't last forever. I think I read that it typically might last around a year. So from the start to the end, there's a decline. Of course, every couple will have a unique experience. . . . but Typically . . if a couple met daily from the outset of a new relationship, would they burn through their NRE quicker than if that same couple delayed gratification and only met once a week or less?
Yes, you'll burn through NRE faster if you're together a lot. But that can depend on how good the match is, how much fun chemistry you have, how strong your overall sex drives are (in general), how much energy you put into quality time, etc.
We do text and phone in between irl dates. We communicate very well. She knows that I prefer more and I believe that she is giving all that is available for me. I guess I just have to figure out a way to stop complaining about wanting more of what I know won't be coming along. Our love is limitless, our time is not. Another exercise in futility, right?
One sign of maturity is accepting our partners for whom they are, and loving them despite their faults. The good thing about poly is, you don't have to depend on one partner to meet all your romantic/sexual/companionship needs. You can have another lover or two, or indeed, very deep platonic relationships. ( Of course, mono people can become jealous of their partner's platonic friends, and this doesn't/shouldn't happen in polyamory.)
And besides, isn't this is exactly what I signed up for as #2 in the hierarchy structure . . . being shelved for most of the time, being patient about it, and then getting to take my no-strings attached turn with a thrilling date night every now and then. . . with the trade off being my not having the day to day stresses, chores, bills, and strings attached kind of stuff that #1 gets to deal with? He's Mr. Right . . . but I'm Mr. Right Now. (or is this the difference between emotional connection and emotional commitment?)
No, I would not agree that a secondary is Ms/Mr Right now, at all! You may not be entangled financially, or with kids, a house, etc., but you can be deeply emotionally connected/committed just the same. Maybe you want the commitment of a shared lease or bank account, or marriage certificate, but those are not necessary, if there is trust, quality and enough quantity time, and mutual gratification. And you can come to depend on a secondary for attention/companionship, love, caring, their opinions on things, etc., very much. Sometimes poly couples do NOT have a prescribed hierarchical set up. My gf and I do not. She eventually began to see her other partner as her co-primary. And I've been seeing my bf for almost one year now, and in some ways, even though our NRE is starting to mellow, I often get more out of our relationship than I do with gf. He's got more free time than she does, and better health. So, it all balances out!
Maybe if I spun my mindset and approached our limited time together more like the every-other-weekend-divorced dad who gets to take the kids to fun events, ball games and amusement parks, but then returns them home to mom for chores, discipline, and schoolwork.
But you can be more than the fun dad. You and gf can depend on each other for day-to-day support, like rides to the airport, help with home maintenance, caring when one of you is ill, cooking, dishes, all that ordinary stuff. It's all up to you two though, and how you work it out.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I could be wrong in my impressions. FWIW? Here's what is sounds like to me.

At the start you were worried you'd be vetoed. Did not happen.

Now you are coming off the NRE high somewhat, and actually "living into" what it is to be partners who aren't nesting.

I will gently lift these two up.
  • "Overall, there's very little serious talk of anything long term for our V. When she and I are not together, we'll send a few texts and cutesy heart emojis, but I do get this feeling that I've been put on a shelf and will stay there until she's ready to pull me in and play again."

  • "We do text and phone in between irl dates. We communicate very well."
I wonder if you aren't communicating well about the thing you want to know? And maybe you aren't getting the "between care" you prefer?

Some people want "comet relationships" or "relationships of the present" where it's on when it's on and it's off when it's off. Some people want something else.

Have you actually asked her "What kind of BF am I to you? What sort of relationship is this at this point in time? I'd like this to be like.... How about you? "

Take a break from the cutesy flirty emoji stuff, and have serious talks. To see if actually deeply compatible or not.

And besides, isn't this is exactly what I signed up for as #2 in the heirarchy structure . . . being shelved for most of the time, being patient about it, and then getting to take my no-strings attached turn with a thrilling date night every now and then. . . with the trade off being my not having the day to day stresses, chores, bills, and strings attached kind of stuff that #1 gets to deal with. He's Mr. Right . . . but I'm Mr. Right Now.

Is that who YOU want to be? Being shelved most of the time and no-strings good times? Or do you want something else from this relationship?
OK . . communication is key. Hinge and I have talked a lot about our feelings and she says she's in love with me and that there is a romantic and emotional connection . . but sometimes actions don't align with words.

What behaviors would you like instead?

It's like you initially signed up here for "accept whatever I get" and then are realizing "Oh. I actually have a voice in my relationships. Well... Does this relationship actually fit me?"

If this is a series of adjustments over time like stepping stones? Because poly is new to you? If thinking this helps you? Go with it then. But think correct.

Maybe if I spun my mindset and approached our limited time together more like the every-other-weekend-divorced dad who gets to take the kids to fun events, ball games and amusement parks, but then returns them home to mom for chores, discipline, and schoolwork.

You know what most coparents do? They are committed to the children even if not nesting together. BOTH do fun things AND chores/homework things.

Even every other weekend dads still get recruited to come fix whatever at the kid's house, and still have to do discipline and make sure the schoolwork gets done while kids are at his house. And the Mom also does fun stuff with the kids. She's not the only discipline/chores person.

Both coparents show up. They do the stuff. Not all of it is taking kids to the ball game kinda fun stuff. Some of it is dealing with vomit, chaperone field trips, washing clothes, etc.

Maybe you want a GF who'll do the "not as fun stuff too." Bring you chicken soup when you are sick. Not always fancy dinner and the theatre "fun" dates. Sometimes she just comes over for pizza and help you paint your living room and helps put in a new faucet "chore" date.

Sounds like you want to know she's committed to your shared relationship even if not nesting with you. But even if not nesting with you, maybe you choose the next sofa and curtains together for your place. She has a drawer at your place. Stuff like that.

If you are used to thinking about the relationship escalator culminating in marriage and you know you won't get marriage here... well... talk to her.

It's like you want to know some benchmarks so you know you aren't just a "toy" to her. And that this relationship has some kind of future even if not traditional marriage.

Maybe you and her could read this together and look at this visual aid at the end and figure out what it does contain at this time, and what it might grow to contain later on.


I encourage you to have the actual conversation about what you each expect from this relationship.

Galagirl
 
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Electrons

New member
Take a break from the cutesy flirty emoji stuff, and have serious talks. To see if actually deeply compatible or not.

Emojis are for in-between IRL dates. . . in person, do have our serious talks and "I don't know what the future will hold" is the outcome every time.

Is that who YOU want to be? Being shelved most of the time and no-strings good times? Or do you want something else from this relationship?

This is the dilemma. Who's complaining about a being Mr. Good Time with No Strings? Not I. On the other hand, who's complaining that he wants more of what he can't have. I am. Why can't I just have my cake, and eat it too.

It's like you initially signed up here for "accept whatever I get" and then are realizing "Oh. I actually have a voice in my relationships. Well... Does this relationship actually fit me?"

Yup. Mr. Good Time with No Strings is what I signed up for, and while I'm loving what's happened/ is happening, but yes, at this point, I don't know is it's "enough" . . that's what I'm exploring. Yes, figuring out my role as #2 is harder than I thought it would be. But what is the alternative? . . . breaking it off and not having any relationship at all? Isn't 5% of something amazing better than 100% of nothing.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
If this is all of you having your first poly relationship? Some of it is gonna be clunky. It's not like you all have past experience to smooth out the bumps some. But that doesn't mean you can't be ok enough most of the time.

But what is the alternative? . . . breaking it off and not having any relationship at all? Isn't 5% of something amazing better than 100% of nothing.

I don't understand what you mean.

If you mean "Isn't getting scraps better than getting nothing?" I don't think so. It might feel good in the moment, but later it's like "Why am I settling for scraps? Is this self respecting behavior? Can I be proud of me participating in this like this?" And if before this you were lonely, this might actually make it worse and even more lonely feeling.

If you mean "I'm getting 100% of what she has to offer -- a comet relationship. And it's great. But I actually want more than a single comet relationship. So I have to figure out if I want to continue with her as a comet while seeking another partner or not." Well, only you can answer that.

If you mean something else ... could you please be willing to clarify what you means by "Isn't 5% of something amazing better than 100% of nothing?"

This is the dilemma. Who's complaining about a being Mr. Good Time with No Strings? Not I. On the other hand, who's complaining that he wants more of what he can't have. I am. Why can't I just have my cake, and eat it too.

You don't actually list what things you want. What are they? And have you and her actually talked that out? What did she say she can/cannot offer you?

You've been dating a year. She may not know the big future like 5 years from now. But perhaps she can talk about small future -- 3 months out, 6 months out a year out.

Again... I encourage you to read the list and articulate what it is you want for this chapter in time. What is the "more" you want? Maybe people can help you find ways to ask if they are reasonable requests. Examples from article:

Do you expect to...
  • do chores together?
  • co-create things together?
  • meeting friends and family?
  • shower together?
  • take care of each other if sick?
  • support each other with big life goals?
  • Keep pix of each other in special places?

Like, fine. Marriage and kids are not on the table. Even in monogamy, it would be too soon to talk about that when you have only been dating since last June. But a year in? Could some things be talked about so expectations in this next chapter of this relationship are clear and you aren't confused?

Doesn't have to ride the escalator. But can't be on perpetual "newbie relationship" either.

Basically to me it sounds like you want to know you can count on her to be there for you when it matters. Like... You'd like some clarity but don't want to actually be the one to start the conversation.

Is that true?

Galagirl
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Mr Good Time with No Strings would imply casual sex, or a FWB relationship. If you actually are in love with each other though, it is polyamory. This usually does indicate there are at least *some* strings. What strings do you actually want? Does gf want any strings or does she just want a play partner to be on hand when she's horny and free? It sounds like you don't want to be just a toy to be used. Maybe there is a conflict.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
But what is the alternative? . . . breaking it off and not having any relationship at all?
Here's another alternative. You keep dating other people so you get the chance to develop a primary relationship while you and her continue to be each other's secondaries.
 

Electrons

New member
I estimate that she and I see each other 5% of our time - so yes, a comet rel is a good descriptor. When we are together, we are 100% into each other. When we are apart, she's with her #1 and I am out of sight/ out of mind/ on the shelf like a toy.

After reading responses to this thread (THANK YOU EVERYONE), having good conversations with Hinge along the way, reflecting, reading between the lines and knowing that actions speak louder than words, here's where we are at.

From the outset, she was and is interested in having a FWB rel with me. To justify this, she is and was "using" the label of polyamory as an ethical excuse to step out of her primary rel, and her #1 did and does support and encourage her to explore with me, but under the heirarchical structure with veto parameters. Along the way, she and I fell deeper in love than just a NSA casual sex rel and we are trying to figure out what that means. At least, she "says" she's fallen in love with me, but I'm more observant of how her actions make me feel than her words. Yes. . this is a first "poly rel" for us all and yes, clunky and making it up as we go along and adjusting after that. He's dating other women now too, which both makes things easier and more complicated. She said that if (or when) she and I were to break up, she would not be interested in finding other guys to date.

What "more" do I want. . . Great list GalaGirl, thanks. Upon reflection, not much of that is going to be realistically available for me, given their heirarchy. Clearly, I want a relationship that's more than a just NSA comet casual sex when she's horny and available (AT THE CURRENT FREQUENCY), but less than full on moving in, sharing chores and daily life responsibilities, and living in a Poly House - which is not even an option at all, even if this were something I wanted. I would be happy with More Frequency of our Comet Dates, but beyond that. . . I need to do some more thinking about my own desires.

Yes, Evie, I do absolutely need to find additional partner(s) to fill up my "empty time". That'd be the best alternative of them all.
 
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