Welcome.
You could start with basic reading links. Maybe these help you get started:
You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com
Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
To promote the private practice for Kathy Labriola, Counselor/Nurse and to provide educational materials for the community.
www.kathylabriola.com
My biggest concern is that she'll see it as me trying to use it as an excuse to sleep around, which is the farthest from the truth. I want intimacy and romance.
When you are ready to have the conversation? State what it is you want.
You discovered you are poly. You want intimacy and romance with more than one person. No, it's not an excuse to sleep around. You want a chance at MORE commitments, not less.
Could ask her to repeat back what you just said in her own words so you know she got it how you mean it.
Then let her think whatever and have some time to digest. Because she can think whatever in her own head. That's her space, her job.
That is not your space or job. You job is to get YOUR thoughts in order and then communicate as clearly as you can. Because she cannot be a mind reader.
And this is your spouse. She deserves to know what's going on, right? Up front and honest?
I can't risk losing her over this, but I'm worried that I truly am a poly man "stuck" in manganous relationship.
You are not "stuck." I get that you love her a lot. You probably worry. You probably feel internal conflict things like "I think I want to poly" vs "I'm scared she won't want to do open marriage and it means breaking up." You hope she will agree to continue on this journey with you. But you understand this isn't the "original marriage deal."
Maybe there's a middle space. Where you can talk freely with her about your poly thoughts and feelings so it becomes "open enough" for you so you aren't going around afraid or bottled up. And you don't see anyone else so it stays "Closed enough" for her and both of you can be living authentically.
But if that's not open enough for you? Be honest about that. If you want to move on to dating other people over time? Say so. There's nothing wrong with wanting polyamory for yourself.
And if that's not closed enough for her? Or she doesn't want to know this poly side of you? She can be honest with you about that. There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy for herself.
She married you under a different expectation, a different deal. She didn't sign up to take the bus to Poly Town.
And if marriage is "til death do us part" -- that's not just only physical death. Spiritual death also counts. (To me anyway.) If people have grown in significantly different directions, their values have changed? Which means the marriage agreements can no longer be kept in good faith? There's dealbreakers now? One loving thing is to ask to renegotiate rather than cheat on agreements. If that doesn't pan out? The last loving thing one can do is part as peacefully as possibly with some dignity and grace.
Maybe over time become good exes and friends, or just good exes. Because, being in a marriage just "going through the motions" isn't healthy for anyone.
- Yes, there's a risk she doesn't want any of it and prefers monogamy.
- Yes, there's a risk she's interested and willing to try, but in the trying you find out not actually able or you have different open/poly styles. (Being monogamously married for a time doesn't mean you are automatically poly compatible).
- Yes, there's a risk she's interested, and willing to try, and in the trying you all find it works out.
You don't get to find out by magic. You have to do that asking.
So I encourage you to get your thoughts in order, and when ready talk honestly to your wife.
Galagirl
