Hi :)

K

Karelia

New member
Hi! I'm Karelia (Kari for short). I have been married for five and a half years and with my husband over 10. We never in a million years would've considered ourselves poly.

Then in February, we met someone online. It wasn't planned, nor was it ever intended to be more than a fun online thing. But suddenly, we both developed strong feelings for her. I have been bisexual for as long as I've been able to remember (and long before I understood what it meant). It became a more serious online thing. In late May, she moved in with us.

I love her like crazy. But it's been a bit of a rollercoaster, because it unexpectedly brought up a bunch of insecurities for me. She's pretty much the only polyamorous person I know, and I can't talk to her about a lot of it. It causes issues when I do. (Long story, but it makes HER insecure.) I can't talk to him about certain issues (particularly sex) because he feels terribly guilty, like he's hurting me.

I always expected a little hurt, like breaking in new shoes. But I need a way to sort through it, and so I searched and here I am.

I look forward to making new friends.

Hugs,
Kari

P.S. In case anyone is curious, we're a closed triad.
 
Welcome! Congratulations on being open enough to embrace all the new feelings and step into the unknown as you did. Defintely not an easy road to travel but oh so worth it.

I'm relatively new, but I've seen some wonderful wise advice given here, as well as support and understanding. You've come to the right place. Good luck with everything!
 
You're going to be told by the folks here that in order for this to work, all three of you need to start communicating better whether everyone likes it or not.
 
Welcome!

This is a good place. Hope you like to read alot. I've noticed people on here tend to warmly and enthusiastically embrace newcomers. :)
 
I am happy you found someone. I hope you can get the communication going for all three of you. It is worth it in the long run.
 
Welcome!! Great to meet you. I look forward to getting to Know you better!


YGirl said:
You're going to be told by the folks here that in order for this to work, all three of you need to start communicating better whether everyone likes it or not.
Click to expand...


Ygirl has it right.. Communication..No mater how hard it is..that the most Important thing. Have a Pow wow, be honest and Open. Nothing can change if you dont.
 
Welcome and congratulations on finding something so naturally. And, yes, communication. :)
 
Congratulations on finding this new person... and i agree with others... COMMUNICATION is KEY. Even the hard topics should be adressed. Good luck.
 
Welcome aboard, Kari!

Communication, communication, communicatin....

But let's face it, we're not all quite sure how to discuss certain matters with our partners. Nor are we all particularly skilled in communicating about difficult matters. Oftentimes, we've never even seen others effectively communicate well about their needs, feelings, challenges, desires, fears....

Because communication requires knowledge and skill and self-awareness..., I've started this topic:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=255&highlight=communication

The topic has not been well used, thus far. Hopefully we can put it to better use. I bet you could get some suggestions and ideas about communication there.
 
Wow...this is like the 2nd story I've read involving a unicorn trophy in almost as many days....they're going to destroy the mythos!!! :)

On a serious note, I won't belabour the communication point....everyone's got it covered. Just don't be afraid of a little tears and heartache during a ...discussion...it makes the make-up sex that much more fun... I hope that holds true for hot-makeup-threesome-sex.

Cheers.
 
I think perhaps part of the problem is that this went very fast. There was no chance to actually get through new relationship energy (NRE) and see, after throwing the cards up, that they fall in a good place for you all. If you three don't start talking about the hard stuff, I fear it will blow up in your faces.

It's never a good idea to move in together so fast, in my opinion. Waiting good year (or more) is better. There is far too much to work out without the load of day-to-day household stuff, privacy, and division of finances and labour. There is enough to do to deal with emotions, dynamics and getting to know each other.

I think she should move out and you should work out a schedule of dating and communicating together. It sounds like going back, but I really think if you are going to make a pyramid you need a good foundation for it to reach the sky. In other words, you have a rickety relationship that will collapse on you all if you don't work on real issues.
 
Last edited:
Communication and other stuff

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I am a talker. I talk through ideas and feelings to sort them out. When I've figured out what I need, I can talk to the two of them easily and openly. It gets stickier when I use them as a sounding board for my insecurities, and I don't have any actual actionable information for them.

Obviously, adding a third changes the dynamic for the original two. I'm sure I don't need to say that, but it's something my husband and I are still adjusting to, and there are times when he gets defensive, and it's hard for him because he thinks he's hurting me. He has had no jealousy and no insecurities (regarding me with her, although he's had some with just her), so he has a hard time understanding some of what I've dealt with.

Redpepper, her moving out is not an option. She was 1000 miles away and knows few people here. While I understand where you are coming from, I also disagree on some points. In a long-distance relationship, it is much easier to ignore someone's flaws, and much easier for someone to hide their flaws. This was going to be long distance until it wasn't. She had to move, we decided to jump.

There are issues she has that we probably wouldn't have been able to see until she moved in, and I honestly think it would've been worse to go a year without knowing what we were dealing with. She has never really had a good relationship, and she has some communication issues. Also, she sees how he and I communicate (delicate triad subjects aside-- we're still learning those), and expects to be at the same standard.

We keep telling her we didn't get here overnight. We've been involved for ten and a half years. During our first year, we spent more time breaking up than staying together. But since that first year, we've lived together, and grown together. We were only 23 when we first met. We've shared a lot of experiences and time together. So of course, we have this bond and this communication that's developed over that time period.

I am definitely the most open communicator. The trouble is, sometimes I am too open. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it goes back to what I said about insecurities and actionable information. I have facilitated conversations starting between the two of them many times, and he's worked to do that for her and me when it's been needed. So, it's not that there isn't communication. It's just that there are times when I need to vent or sound off or whatever, and it's not necessarily fair or appropriate to do that with either of them.

They don't always like it, but I talk when I have something I have to say. Sometimes I turn to email, because it's easier to get my points out without getting sidetracked. Sometimes we all talk together, and other times I talk to them individually. It depends on the matter at hand. But the point is, there IS communication.

We're still learning how to work with her issues, and she's come a long way in not a lot of time. He and I are learning to communicate about things we never in a million years imagined we'd be talking about. It's a bit delicate and tricky at times, but we've been together so long, and even when things get heated, we usually don't take long to understand what the other is saying, even if we can't necessarily understand the feelings behind that.

Sooo... hopefully I've explained myself a bit better, but the bottom line is, don't worry. I talk when I need to, and I'm pretty good at telling when one of them needs to, also.
 
Hi, Kari. I have no advice whatsoever to add, as I am more or less completely befuddled where poly is concerned. Just wanted to say welcome! :)
 
It sounds like things are humming along, then. That is awesome. However, for the benefit of those tuning in for the first time, I would not advise moving someone in from 1000 miles away that you've met online! I'm glad its working for you.

But if it were me, and if I wanted it to last, I would have them move into their own place and get to know me from a closer distance. I would expect them to find their own friends, job, and life outside of me, because that is healthy and a sign of taking responsibility for oneself. I would be very wary of caretaking them and being all they have, a position that I have known to build co-dependance and resentment for all concerned. I don't mind being someone's favorite person to hang with, but do like to know they have a support network and can look after themselves.

Anyway, welcome to the forum. :) it doesn't sound like you have any pressing issues. I hope it stays that way and you find what you need.
 
TY, Redpepper. Really, the "issues" I have are all in my head, which is why I'm here. Sometimes I need someone to say, "Hey, stop being stupid and paranoid." LOL
 
Oh, I don't know if I would stop being paranoid. For me, that is a gut response that is telling me something. I don't feel paranoid in my V (perhaps this is naive?). at least of late anyway, because I know that everyone is being radically honest and communicating really hard stuff the moment it comes up. Every time I have been paranoid, it has been for a good reason, and I have had to face up to something really difficult, not just in my V, but in life also. You could drop the "stupid," but keep the "paranoid" and try and get to the bottom of why. Once there, do something about it, because it doesn't get better with time, just worse and more messy. At least, that has been what I have experienced.
 
Oh, there's something to face up to, but it's not them. It's me. The paranoia is seeped in my own insecurities, and they can't resolve those for me.

In fact, in some ways I think she'll be a fabulous addition for me, because this brings those matters to the forefront and I have to deal with them, as opposed to them being there, but not actively dealt with at all.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top