My wife and I lead very busy lives apart, so we've agreed over the years to allow each other the freedom to talk to other people. It helps us get through the day and the stimulation leads to deeper intimacy between us when we are together. It's had its ups and downs, but overall has been a positive decision in our lives.
For my wife, this mostly manifests itself in a form of building sexual tension, edging, etc. She has a large online presence so there is no shortage of attractive guys knocking in her DMs at any given moment.
For me, it's been much more about finding someone to conversate with and feel a connection to, because I spend the majority of day alone (aside from animals). And I miss my connections and conversations I used to have when I was working full time.
My perspective is, put simply, that my wife has small relationships with many people and I want to have a big relationship with only one other person.
In all honesty, I struggle understanding what it is she gets out of what she does. It feels empty and shallow to me, but on her end it's fun and lite and just a distraction. So no matter how uncomfortable I've been with some of her actions, real or perceived (I make mistakes too), I've tried to support her and encourage her in every way I know how, because I feel that's what she needs from me. That's how I'm most supportive. And truthfully, that that is what she deserves. She's an amazing wife and we have a great life together when, well, we are together. We just spend soooo much time separate and in stressful situations. But we have a great marriage so I want to give her these things. She deserves my support and effort.
On my end, it seems she feels threatened by me having an emotional connection with this person and would rather I just sleep around. She's said as much. This is difficult for me, because while it sounds fun, I've experienced the depression I feel after an emotionless romp. I feel worse, not better. Sure, sexual tension is temporarily gone, but it's not satisfying to me. I don't feel fulfilled. So whenever she says anything along these lines I become guarded, but still do my best to offer what perverted sexually buried interest I'm able. I've been clear and she knows that just isn't my comfort zone. And at my age, I'm not sure that will change. I'm open to it, but not until I'm in a healthy place mentally, and that starts with wanting that, and I don't.
I have been talking to this lady online since April. A couple months ago, I opened the door so my wife and she could begin to communicate directly. Felt right at the time, and initially it was. The lady I've been talking with is a lot like me, very reserved and emotional. We have had great conversation and I feel like she could be a long-term important person to me. But also like me, she's afraid of letting others down, being a disappointment, etc. My wife seems to feel she's being dishonest and that she wants to be in a relationship with just me. I am positive that is not the case, but my wife sees it differently.
I feel my wife often tries to force me into her way of thinking or perspective. She talks about emotions in the same way that I would talk about sex and vice versa. I feel I often take a step to the side with my feelings, because I would honestly like to be someone who could sleep around for the fun of it. But the reality is, I don't actually want that. But at the same time, I don't want to limit her. What I do want is to have a lasting relationship with someone who treats me well and is kind and complimentary.
Something relevant to this for me is that my wife began her edging with strangers within our relationship without telling me. It was a spot of contention for awhile once I found out. Once I had someone of my own to put some focus into, I stopped worrying so much what she was doing and with who, because I felt by allowing me to have this one person, she was meeting me in the middle. So I've been able to embrace her more, due to having my own support or place to receive positive energy from, the past 6 months or so.
But now it feels like she's putting my other relationship into a box, as well, and is struggling with her intentions because of it. Trying to settle the feelings has pushed all of this into a non-enjoyable space and I've essentially now lost the positive from all of this. But she still gets to take her vibrator to work type of thing. Nothing has to change for her, but has at the same time put her insecurities onto the shoulders of this other lady that I've never even met, just talked to online. But because I opened that door for them to communicate, it's fallen on me to somehow mediate, as well. And now I'm feeling EXTREMELY guilty because this lady feels she's being treated like a homewrecker, but she's been nothing but respectful from day one. My wife has expressed that she doesn't trust it. I've definitely taken too much on here, but it feels dire at times in my wife's reactions. My wife feels that this lady should be able to have some type of communication open between them, and since they aren't friendly yet, it's because she wants more from me.
Now the lady I've been talking with since April feels like she's affecting a marriage that she saw as positive when she entered, now questionable. I'm taking on so much of the blame and so is this lady. My wife, however, while clearly having her own feelings, seems to be convinced that this person is trying to squeeze in, and I just don't think that's the case. At all. Not even a little. I'm not in love. I'm not falling for this lady, I'm just fostering a positive friendship that has gone no further than having genuine conversation on either side, so I'm confident my judgement isn't clouded with those types of emotions. When I think of loss with her it looks like a book I found enjoyable never being talked about, not some heart-wrenching pain. But it still sucks, still seems so very pointless.
I know life isn't fair and I know polyamory is different on either side, so I understand that fairness is not something I should be focused on, but I can think of no other way to say it than this feels unfair.
Does anyone have any perspective here that might help me in addressing this? I'm close to cutting ties with this lady, but I know resentment will swell if I do.
Thank you for your time.
For my wife, this mostly manifests itself in a form of building sexual tension, edging, etc. She has a large online presence so there is no shortage of attractive guys knocking in her DMs at any given moment.
For me, it's been much more about finding someone to conversate with and feel a connection to, because I spend the majority of day alone (aside from animals). And I miss my connections and conversations I used to have when I was working full time.
My perspective is, put simply, that my wife has small relationships with many people and I want to have a big relationship with only one other person.
In all honesty, I struggle understanding what it is she gets out of what she does. It feels empty and shallow to me, but on her end it's fun and lite and just a distraction. So no matter how uncomfortable I've been with some of her actions, real or perceived (I make mistakes too), I've tried to support her and encourage her in every way I know how, because I feel that's what she needs from me. That's how I'm most supportive. And truthfully, that that is what she deserves. She's an amazing wife and we have a great life together when, well, we are together. We just spend soooo much time separate and in stressful situations. But we have a great marriage so I want to give her these things. She deserves my support and effort.
On my end, it seems she feels threatened by me having an emotional connection with this person and would rather I just sleep around. She's said as much. This is difficult for me, because while it sounds fun, I've experienced the depression I feel after an emotionless romp. I feel worse, not better. Sure, sexual tension is temporarily gone, but it's not satisfying to me. I don't feel fulfilled. So whenever she says anything along these lines I become guarded, but still do my best to offer what perverted sexually buried interest I'm able. I've been clear and she knows that just isn't my comfort zone. And at my age, I'm not sure that will change. I'm open to it, but not until I'm in a healthy place mentally, and that starts with wanting that, and I don't.
I have been talking to this lady online since April. A couple months ago, I opened the door so my wife and she could begin to communicate directly. Felt right at the time, and initially it was. The lady I've been talking with is a lot like me, very reserved and emotional. We have had great conversation and I feel like she could be a long-term important person to me. But also like me, she's afraid of letting others down, being a disappointment, etc. My wife seems to feel she's being dishonest and that she wants to be in a relationship with just me. I am positive that is not the case, but my wife sees it differently.
I feel my wife often tries to force me into her way of thinking or perspective. She talks about emotions in the same way that I would talk about sex and vice versa. I feel I often take a step to the side with my feelings, because I would honestly like to be someone who could sleep around for the fun of it. But the reality is, I don't actually want that. But at the same time, I don't want to limit her. What I do want is to have a lasting relationship with someone who treats me well and is kind and complimentary.
Something relevant to this for me is that my wife began her edging with strangers within our relationship without telling me. It was a spot of contention for awhile once I found out. Once I had someone of my own to put some focus into, I stopped worrying so much what she was doing and with who, because I felt by allowing me to have this one person, she was meeting me in the middle. So I've been able to embrace her more, due to having my own support or place to receive positive energy from, the past 6 months or so.
But now it feels like she's putting my other relationship into a box, as well, and is struggling with her intentions because of it. Trying to settle the feelings has pushed all of this into a non-enjoyable space and I've essentially now lost the positive from all of this. But she still gets to take her vibrator to work type of thing. Nothing has to change for her, but has at the same time put her insecurities onto the shoulders of this other lady that I've never even met, just talked to online. But because I opened that door for them to communicate, it's fallen on me to somehow mediate, as well. And now I'm feeling EXTREMELY guilty because this lady feels she's being treated like a homewrecker, but she's been nothing but respectful from day one. My wife has expressed that she doesn't trust it. I've definitely taken too much on here, but it feels dire at times in my wife's reactions. My wife feels that this lady should be able to have some type of communication open between them, and since they aren't friendly yet, it's because she wants more from me.
Now the lady I've been talking with since April feels like she's affecting a marriage that she saw as positive when she entered, now questionable. I'm taking on so much of the blame and so is this lady. My wife, however, while clearly having her own feelings, seems to be convinced that this person is trying to squeeze in, and I just don't think that's the case. At all. Not even a little. I'm not in love. I'm not falling for this lady, I'm just fostering a positive friendship that has gone no further than having genuine conversation on either side, so I'm confident my judgement isn't clouded with those types of emotions. When I think of loss with her it looks like a book I found enjoyable never being talked about, not some heart-wrenching pain. But it still sucks, still seems so very pointless.
I know life isn't fair and I know polyamory is different on either side, so I understand that fairness is not something I should be focused on, but I can think of no other way to say it than this feels unfair.
Does anyone have any perspective here that might help me in addressing this? I'm close to cutting ties with this lady, but I know resentment will swell if I do.
Thank you for your time.
