Imagine your ideal relationships.

I think I am in an ideal relationship structure, although not everyone is 100% comfortable with each other yet. I am not sure if any of us could change our living arrangements, but it would be nice to have the freedom to come and go as we pleased, as we needed. Ideally, I would like to be in a close familial way with KT and 2R. I would like our children to know each other and have some support and contact amongst themselves. Ideally, time would not be an issue. We could all just be together, or at least, be with whom we sought at that particular moment.
 
Quoting Mez, earlier in this thread:

There is NO ideal, there is NO perfection. Each day is a reminder that all relationships take and give a working love.
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Quoting Pat Carini, "We Love the Things We Love for What They Are", in Starting Strong: A Different Look at Children, Schools, and Standards, which I swear is relevant:

"...A perfect child? A perfect marriage? A perfect school? A perfect society? It doesn't parse.

It isn't even that the words are untrue, as that they are so woefully inadequate: at the same time, too grand and too small; too narrow and too abstract. What is perfectible is tiny by comparison to life, to a child, to a marriage, to a school, to a society. Perfection privileges virtuosity. It privileges the solo performance. It privileges correctness. It privileges form and conformity. It privileges the stellar moment, and the brief, bright shine of success.

Privileging [all of these things], perfection misses humanness. It misses the effortful daily work of making and remaking. It misses the roughness of the terrain. It misses the mistakes. It misses joy and sorrow. It misses aspiration and longing. It misses all that is daily-- the continuing on of life, of raising a family, of teaching, of educating. Missing these, it misses a lot. Perfection falls short of us humanly." (italics my own)
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I repeat that last line to myself daily, regardless of what imperfection I am struggling with at that moment. My 'perfection' is the journey.
 
Anne said:
I agree that ideals don´t exist, but I understand that this threat is about irrational dreaming, which is great and necessary for the human being, isn´t it?

It´s worth dreaming!
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EXACTLY! As long as we do not deny the possibilities simply because they do not live up to our dreams, there is no harm in dreaming of an ideal relationship. It is worth dreaming, because as long as it does not hinder us, then it is a positive thing to think of and hope for. Even if a dream is never obtained, it was worth thinking about it. Trust me, I know that all too well. Sometimes a dream is just a dream... and there's no harm in that.
 
Honestheart said:
As long as we do not deny the possibilities simply because they do not live up to our dreams, there is no harm in dreaming of an ideal relationship. It is worth dreaming, because as long as it does not hinder us, then it is a positive thing to think of and hope for. Even if a dream is never obtained, it was worth thinking about it. Sometimes a dream is just a dream... and there's no harm in that.
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Sometimes achieving a dream can backfire, too, because if that dream breaks down, everything else may look a little more dull than before. It's hard to come back down to reality from too high a height.
 
I think the key is to dream without losing a sense of the reality and what is good about the real world.

Having said that, my ideal relationship would be one of equal love, where there is no wondering whether you care as much for the person/people as they do for you. It would be between individuals who are their own persons, and who are (thanks for the word, Polynerdist) interdependent and independent. I would like it to be a relationship where everyone is there because they want to be, not because they're afraid of being lonely, or because they need the other members, and where the relationship is part of their life, not all of their life.
 
ksandra said:
I think the key is to dream without losing a sense of the reality and what is good about the real world.
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There we go. That's what I agree with when I keep saying it is ok to have a dream, as long as you do not deny the possibilities.

These are just humble honest opinions I have, but to paraphrase: "It is better to have dreamed and then lost than to never have dreamed at all."

As long as we keep a focus on what is really here offered to us, and do not shut out the possibilities of love in reality simply because they do not fit the ideal in our dreams, then I think having an ideal relationship as a dream is not harmful. If I read ksandra right, it's all about a healthy balance of keeping it real while still hoping for something better. I think an ideal or a dream is a hope, which is a light that rarely leads us astray.
 
I'm still thinking about it, but it would be something like this.

I would have one primary and one secondary. We would all care for each other deeply, but respect our needs of wanting to be alone or be with our other partners sometimes. We would have an understanding of what everyone wants out of the relationship. There would be caring and love, even cuddling every now and then.

We'd all be a big happy poly family.

We might argue sometimes, or someone might sleep on the couch, because in almost any relationship there will be arguing. But at the end of the day, we'd always be there in the other person's time of need, or even just a shoulder to cry on.
 
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I thought I had my ideal. My hubby's wonderful, but I would love to have another guy that is good friends with hubby also. He would love me for me, and not be ashamed of the way we want to love. He would treat my kids like they belonged to him, too. Honestly, what I have now is perfect, just me and hubs and kids. But one day maybe I will find the guy to add to the love in my house.

It's nice to have someone here with me all the time. I hate being alone, especially when hubs is at work. I love to sleep snug in the middle.
 
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Hmm... I have been thinking about this a lot recently, mainly due to time constrictions. Once I started dating people other than my primary partner, I have found myself dwelling on what would be ideal for me, if I do find this third partner, or mainly saying NO to people who are nice, but I don't feel connected with enough to add as a partner, unless they fit some criteria.

I really like the person I am dating now, so ideally they will stick around my life for a yet-to-be-determined future. But if I dated a third person (which I would like to do, if it fit into what I was already doing) I would like them to be somebody who would be a very close friend to me (a chatty communicator who didn't mind talking about their FEELINGS), and who would LOVE to hang out with my husband to kill zombies, and have an independent friendship with him that involved them making plans with each other that didn't need to include me. (Let's say seeing some of these horrible upcoming geeky movies...)

This, err... manly unicorn (in the platonic sense of fulfilling "needs" for an ideal relationship) would also be excited to watch Top Chef or some other horrid reality TV show with me. He would find sex a joy; that's very important. But I admit, the whole bonding over a TV show or another hobby holds some appeal for me.

After reading some of the other responses, I would say, yes, my focus is on the ideal of partners and metamours being able to communicate verbally, or with the written word, how they feel, what they want, what is going on, what is bothering them... so that everybody I am involved with is profiting from the relationships I have a part in. And it's not just about my wants. I don't mind at all "limiting" myself in ways that might make me happy with a partner, if it would cause problems with other relationships they have. Recent experiences have definitely let me know that the kindness and consideration of my other partner's partners are much more important than caring about if everything is roses and sunshine in my world.

And on another note, I am pretty damn thrilled how much poly has to offer, no matter that sometimes it offers good, and sometimes bad. I do like the high points!
 
Wow, this is an old thread. Almost a year since I posted in it.

I don't have an ideal relationship. I did when I first got into this-- closed triad all the way. I ended up wiping that concept away once I realized I was falling in love and wanted to not be locked into experiencing relationships as a couple only.

One year along... many changes (personal and relationship-wise). I can't think of anything preconstructed that I want. (OK, I lie. I like women. That's most definitely a limitation. haha)
 
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A logistical wet dream of mine would be for all of my partners in life to live close by, not necessarily in the same house, but within walking distance. (I know everything's within walking distance if you take enough time to walk, but let's say a kilometer on foot.) That would solve the 'Why the heck is everything I need ALWAYS on the other side of the town?' problem I keep having. :mad:
 
Wow, I love reading through this! It gives me lots of a ideas and it's very inspiring.

As for myself, I think my ideal relationship would be to have one of two situations (keep in mind, I am not single lol):

Option 1: An established couple (preferably with children) brings me in as a "male-type" romantic partner. What I mean by this is that they expect me to provide and protect, to be a secondary father figure, not to tend and befriend (like a secondary mother figure).

Option 2: I have several FWB-type relationships. All of them know that I have others, and all of them understand that they will never be the only one. Basically, I have no primary, just many wonderful friends with whom I share romance and sex.
 
I have gone back and forth on this...

To START:
I want a primary partner with whom I can be in cahoots, best friends, a very intimate team in all things, whether it's work/business related, family-related, etc. I want us to have sexual adventures together, as well as separately. I want each of us to be free to love whomever we choose without ever feeling the primary relationship is at risk. I want to feel the closeness of being in our own, private party that no one else "gets." At least for awhile...

After a few years of built-up trust, I think I'd like to explore the possibility of plural. It's starting to seem like a natural progression, because since I can't imagine only loving one person for the rest of my life, I certainly believe it's probable I'll want that depth of intimacy and trust with others, as well. But I honestly need to feel like there's a good existing "core" with the primary before adding more people permanently to that core.
 
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Interesting thread!!

My current relationship is perfect for me. I have never loved so much or felt as loved. It started out as poly/mono so that's quite a feat; some so-called experts say that poly/mono relationships are doomed to failure. It hasn't always been easy but I like that, I like that it has helped me to grow so much.

I honestly can't imagine myself in a relationship more ideal for me.
 
I want to be in a triad with two people that love me and each other equally. A relationship where we all share enough interests to go and have FUN together, doing whatever we decide to do. And I want it to be that way for forever.
 
This may sound super typical but I really just want a boyfriend. I've never really been a primary or had that stable singular relationship. I would be open to having an open relationship but I kind of want to try monogamy.
 
ray said:
I would be open to having an open relationship but I kind of want to try monogamy.
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Monogamy will break your heart. Polyamory will break your heart. Being single will break your heart. ... Darlin', being human will surely break your heart. It always does. Your choice is between two possibilities. Two only. Will this human experience break your heart closed, or will it break your heart open.

I'm an optimist in these matters.:)
 
I wish I knew...

I wish I could have a big house for people to come and go as they please, and love each other. I would ultimately love to have people to play music with, and do athletic and artistic things. And everyone should love dogs and cats. :) When I say this, it isn't random people. It would be maybe 2 other couples or singles, not a set number. We would all be sharing resources and working for the common good of the household and each other. Maybe we would each have our own room or something like that, so that while we could be together, we could also have our own spaces.

However, lately, I have been feeling out of sorts. Just feeling like I will never have another poly relationship, as my first one sort of ended, and not the way I wanted it to. I wish I could find someone who would get the situation and want to be part of it... and that my husband would be ok with everything like it was before (not with that same person).

So one, or more? Hmm... I'm not sure. It is a confusing and happy thought, all at once.
 
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I have put a lot of thought into this, and my ideal relationship, and by association my ideal future, is something that is constantly evolving as I meet new people and discover new things about myself and the world around me. Ten or so years ago, I wanted to live in a town with a boyfriend and three dogs. Now it couldn't be more different.

I'd quite like to live in the countryside, for instance, now, but within twenty minutes drive of a town, at most. I still want the dogs and some cats. My career plan has a great influence on all of this, because I want to be a writer, which means most of my time will be spent at home.

I wouldn't expect my partners to do the same. In fact, I'd quite like partners who work. I'd love to cook them something special, and light a few candles when they got home. I'd have to ensure they all did a share of the housework, so maybe another one who only had a part time job would be nice.

I'd like two or three partners of each gender. It sounds greedy, but it's what I'm comfortable with.

Maybe I'm a little weird, but it's a dream life for me...
 
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