In the garden

It's Monday and I've done bugger all. I'm actually having a mini black dog day I think because I am feeling lethargic and a little hopeless. I'm feeling the smallness of this town and how desperately I want to go away somewhere and do something to make this feel like I'm properly recharging, but I can't afford it (this statement is somewhere between perception and reality). I've been reassured by a couple of people that this is some of the adjustment to having a mortgage - we're only really 8 months in, not quite, and I feel terrible every week I can't pay a couple of hundred off the revolving credit. It's not like we're drawing on it right now, but the other half of the yet-to-be-even-in-the-country kitset new building for the back yard still has 50% owing on it, plus whatever extras the builder will need and his labour cost to put it up. I'm very worried that the damn thing needs to be paid down tout de suite or it won't get finished properly because we'll run out of money. I really wish Adam had chosen a different (yes, cheaper) building, but this is the best fit for purpose.

Puck has been crazy busy for days and we have barely seen each other, although we've just been able to touch base quickly before he goes to bed tonight. I had a brief exchange with Mike the other day. Adam has been working or out for most of the weekend and today.

I feel so useless. I so want to be creative and I am just...not. I really thought I'd overcome my tendency towards perfectionism, but today it's actually perfection paralysis. I really wonder what's going on right now, I suspect I'm entering some kind of growth phase because a number of things are getting my attention as problematic and I am guessing that's because my psyche is ready to deal with them. I wish it could be as easy as, "oh, I haven't done that in a while, how about I do that now," but I don't seem to be wired quite like that.

It'll be okay, I want balance and I'll find it. This, at least, is something I don't have to wait for.
Yesterday, I forced myself out of the house an into town proper (first stop, 40 mins north, second stop, another 20 minutes north from there) and ended up having a good day. There was (mostly unsuccessful) clothes shopping but in that process I realised that I was actually ready to start buying some new clothes again to get exactly what I want. I've been op shopping for years, and while I enjoy that, the shops around here have the occasional gem, not a steady supply of suitable clothing. I also got to have some really good pizza for lunch, so that was part of my motivation to drive that far. I think I'll spend another day in a different part of town some other day that Adam is working, it was good for me to just get out and about.

I spontaneously tracked down an alt site friend while I was in town, visited her at her place, and ended up inviting her over for dinner on Friday night. I hope she can make it as she's having a bit of a tough time at the moment and admitted that she doesn't always want to eat. I indicated that I could really use the company, too, since I can feel a bit isolated at times, so it would be totally mutually beneficial.

Today, I'm feeling quite motivated. I have a zoom meeting at 10 which should last a couple of hours, and then I'll head to work and organise my classroom a bit. Adam is working tonight so will be resting a lot of today. We'll have our evening tomorrow night as we have tickets to see a show in town, yay! Puck is really busy at the moment, but I'm looking forward to next week when we have a whole day date planned. Unfortunately, that's not during one of Adam's work days, but we'll make it work.

I'll make the most of these holidays yet.
Puck has been on a big project for a while now, with other smaller ones thrown in for good measure. The last time we had a decent chat was my Friday, and since then just a few quick chats when possible. Certainly no time for sexual intimacy for a while.

I had thought that today was going to be the end of the utter chaos and that we'd have a chance to talk in my morning. I guess I had misunderstood because he's simply not answering right now. I'm pretty sure he'll either be "putting out fires" with that project, or perhaps spending some much needed time reconnecting with other partners. I can wait, but today it's uncomfortable - not because of any catastrophizing, but simply because I miss him so much it hurts. I'm also aware that in the not too distant future he's going away for over a week and it will be basically no real-time contact. I'll ask him to check and acknowledge emails as much as possible during that time.

I feel empathy for Iris right now, too, since she's out of town and will probably be getting minimal conversation time, too, while the project consumes most daylight hours. I'm aware that when I do eventually get to visit, we'll actively build in some time for us both to reconnect with other partners, for their sake.
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Is walkabout a thing in New Zealand like it is in Australia?
Hahaha, no, walkabout is uniquely Australian.

She's not the kind of cat to have multiple homes, so I'm not sure where she got to. But it was such a massive relief when she reappeared.
I totally adulted today. I went to work for hours, did heaps, actually had a good time and plan to do it all again tomorrow. I wore my dress collar largely to remind myself that I am going to work diligently from Monday to Thursday so I can be completely free on Friday to enjoy Puck's company all day without anything hanging over me. I also want to spend the weekend with Adam because last weekend and this weekend, our days off finally coincide. Soon they won't for the majority of the next wee while since he works 4 on/4 off/day/night/12 hours per shift whereas I do a traditional 5 on/2 off/8-5 give or take.

Last Thursday was actually Adam and my anniversary of the beginning of our relationship. It has been 9 years! We went to see a fantastic One Woman Show after a decadent dinner. The show was delightful, although she really needs to be touring a tech who can learn the cues. I wasn't impressed with the venue lighting in general, to be honest, but that's my past career as a lighting designer coming to the fore. Adam and I also decided that next school holidays, we'll do a different decadent dinner and rather than a show, I'm actually planning a really big deal, like $1000 budget for one day/night, but we have been working hard for it and since I'm not going to the States for at least another year (sigh, NZ border restrictions will be closed for some time) then I reckon that Adam and I are worth the splurge.

Oops, gotta go, he's home.
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Today, I pencil booked the fancy getaway for Adam and me. I had to ask him if he'd like something from the spa (and after asking me what a hot stone massage is he agreed to wanting that). I'm getting a face reflexology session since I carry so much tension in my face and neck.

I have already had a couple of small chats with Puck today which is helping me reconnect with him between his times away. Looking at the calendar, this next month is still going to be custard and I'm admittedly very frustrated that I don't have plans with him for a week away from everything. I still have no idea when I'll be vaccinated let alone when we'll have quarantine free travel that will mean I can visit him or he can visit me. When we started a long distance relationship, this really wasn't foreseen. It was more imagined that there'd be at least one trip a year. Fuck Covid. But we can do this, even without a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been fostering a newer friendship in the UK as well. We've actually been on the periphery of each others' lives for a couple of years now, but something or other meant we started talking a little more and the talking has recently become flirting. I have an agreement with Puck that I run these things past him before I take them particularly far, which has proven useful because in articulating it I can also guage my own enthusiasm. With new UK guy, we'll call him, Gaze, I suspect this current little flare of engagement is a "reason" (reason/season/lifetime) thing and we'll probably go back to a peripheral relationship sooner or later.

I'm at work, but I'm not feeling it today. Partly because I have the task from hell to do, and partly because I'm just tired today. I'd honestly rather be home having a nap, but I'm not good at falling asleep unless I'm sick, and I don't think I'm sick, just a little low on spoons.
I got to have an unexpected slightly longer chat with Puck today! He's actually about to spend a week with Iris, who won't be up for sharing his time at all, so we'll be going for a pretty long time for us without having a call (we generally aim for twice a day although recently it's been more like once because of crazy schedules).

Now, I'll be waiting somewhere a little over a week. But (unfortunately for him) he had a missed flight connection due to weather delays and other issues and is now spending the night in a hotel (which has been its own saga but is apparently now free). But that means I got to talk with him before he finally slept for a few hours before he goes through the process all again of trying to get to Iris and get them both home.

Ugh, I want to tell so much more about that side of my polycule, but too many details could identify people (in that rare moment that is internet fuckery). In short and without the assigned nicknames I've given them, I'm about to become the only LDR because the other one is moving closer. Much, much closer. Which is going to piss off someone else. And I'm torn between being worried for Puck that that will end that relationship, and being incredibly bitchily smug that there actually will have to be some personal growth happening for the one who will be jealous.

I honestly do not like jealously one bit (although acknowledge that it can on few occasions be a legitimate warning signal) and it is extremely rare for me to be that insecurely attached that I experience it. Last time I did was with Lance, and that turned out to be a fair appraisal of the situation. I honestly don't like being around people who seem to revel in their jealousy as if it is something to be a benchmark of a successful relationship ("I love my partner so much I get jealous over every other person [of the opposite sex, usually] that they interact with" or "I'm jealous because I love them so much" - no you don't, you're just an insecure asshole who refuses to acknowledge that your version of love is actually toxic if not an outright personality disorder - an attachment disorder at best, borderline at worst). Go do the goddamn inner work to be a healthy partner. Their early life may have predisposed them to insecure attachment of some form, but very few people are incapable of growth.

Okay, rant over, I let it sit for a while but I am going to post it.

My weekend has begun, but it's nowhere near long enough.
It's Saturday morning and I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. Adam won't be back from work and a chore in another town until around midday - one o'clock, so soon I'm going to get up and "do stuff" although I'm not entirely sure what that stuff is. I need to attend to the hedge, unfortunately by hand because I seem to be incapable of starting the hedge trimmer. I actually can't wait until we can totally remove the hedge but financially we are all systems stop until this damn new building for out the back is finally delivered and erected. It's the end of July and they still haven't delivered and I no longer believe anything they say about when it will be available. There's no point cancelling the order because Adam hasn't found a different supplier with a kitset model he wants. We could get it built from scratch, no kitset, but that's it's own hassle with design. Always with the waiting.

I had a tiny heart to heart with Mike yesterday, just a couple of messages back and forth to check where we were. We've hardly engaged for over a month and it was feeling more and more difficult to do so, but it turns out we're both just struggling with winter and have turned a little inwards rather than towards each other this year. He told me he's been playing more computer games, and I laughed and said that I've got more game apps on my phone than ever before. It's just 2021.

So, today I think I will do the hedges, and my nails, and there's always laundry and dishes, and then simply make a nice dinner for Adam and I. Oh, and do some flute practice today, too.

I think Puck inadvertently suggested a technique that will help me overcome some procrastination. I'll try it for a while before I divulge it.
A few years ago I worked at a school with an insanely good haka. Those kids did honour to the guests whenever they broke it out. For example, a speaker in assembly telling his life story and at the end the leader's cry went up and suddenly kids stood up from their seats all around the hall and went to the front and delivered a thunderous haka. The first time I saw this, I got goosebumps as you could tell they really really meant it for the speaker. Here's a glimpse.

This is another school during a teacher's funeral service.

Powerful stuff.
Very moving.
Today is a professional development day rather than a teaching day. I'm actually quite happy for that as I've been experiencing insomnia much of this last week. I took Tuesday off as a sick day and it was much needed; I ended up doing quite a bit if inner work and found that there were things bugging me so profoundly that it has clearly been impacting my well being. So, since they are all things out of my control, I have decided to work on adjusting my attitude, instead. I let my gratitude journal lapse badly, so that's become my first plan - get back on that wagon. After a bit of time with that, I'll believe I'll start to feel more able to control the things I can, like my own energy levels.

I have a "whole day" call with Puck planned for my Saturday, his Friday night. Unfortunately, this coincides with Adam's swing day at work so he'll be home all day, too, but we've done this before and it's been okay.

Saturdays are going to become my and Puck's regular date day, which suits me really well. I'm effectively completely swapping with Selene, so I'm good with that.

Right, time for this mammoth day of faculty meetings.