In the garden

Due to a public holiday on Monday, I now have a 4 day week, yay! So, one down, three to go.

Mike visited on Monday to pick up a tool from Adam and to give a professional opinion on some renovations I'm eyeing up. Confirmed we'll have to do the bathroom before the bedroom for the best result, so that totally fucks the next few years of my living experience. I really, really wanted to create the master first, but no. And before the bathroom, it's going to such a large expense that I really need to pay down the revolving credit facility significantly before beginning that, especially as there will be council permits involved as I need to remove a window.

But first, waiting for the kitset building for the back yard to arrive from overseas. Everything has slowed down considerably. I also saw an article dated just a few weeks ago that isn't hopeful for border reopenings for quarantine free travel until late 2022, and then the national alert level will be raised and we'll have more restrictions on a variety of things. However, I will out stubborn this damn pandemic and I *will* spend the next very many years being able to visit and host Puck, and meet him in other places in the world. Adam and I want to travel, too, mainly to England, which would give me a chance to stop by Lance. If I can spend one of my summer holidays in the US, I would love to go meet UF and Sol, too.


Pipe dreams right now. I still can't believe that after years of not being able to afford to travel, the moment I can, I can't. Fuck Covid.
 
I feel like I'm hitting the wall today. I cried on Puck a little this morning, which I hated doing since he told me he needs me to be stronger. But when I articulated this, he apologized and indicated that he didn't want me to have the perception that I can't express to him when I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Then he told me about how he's really feeling. I'll paraphrase, but...like he's got no help, mostly at his major side project (unpaid). Like he's the only motivated and capable one, the only high functioning one. He wondered how his life might look if he surrounded himself with like natured people. As we spoke, he made a decision to visit a friend who he feels fits this category and perhaps get some advice.

Maybe I'm just a drain on his emotional resources.
 
Yesterday turned into a total disaster and I actually cried at work after I caught a student with a Snapchat photo of me taken in that class.

Today I was still feeling it this morning, but I put on the fire and music to mark tests by and I'm rocking it.

I'm going to finish the damn marking then go to the Club (Adam and I joined the local one, it's not fancy but it's got good wine and a billiards snooker room for me to learn in.)

Adam got called into work today so that's a bummer.

Tomorrow I'll be spending the day with Puck (online) but he's not going out specifically so we can deliberately spend a lot more time talking etc. for a day.
 
Saturday afternoon/evening was awesome. I had two games of snooker with two guys who apparently come in regularly, and then I had another couple of half pints with two other guys (after the snooker players left). Adam came to get me when he finished shift because I was too tipsy to drive home. I loved the whole day.

Then on Sunday, I spoke to Sol first thing followed by breakfast and then a most-of-the-day-call with Puck. We'd been planning it for about a month and it was fantastic. He thought so, too. We talked, we sat in silent presence, we shared sex the way we do, we played connect 4 on our phones (2-1 to me but it was a bit of a fluke because neither of us saw the winning 4 on the third game until after it notified us that I'd won), and talked some more. We also took time out to go do essential things (I had to go get my car, he had to go feed Iris' cats as she's out of town, and get dinner) and the whole thing just worked brilliantly. He'd been visiting with Charli the night before and they'd had a lot of laughs and de-stressed a lot already, so he had actually deliberately taken the weekend off and it was clearly good for him. I felt comfortable in our relationship again after the day spent together. (We're planning another all day call in just over a month after he's finished with a festival and before he goes on holiday with Iris.)

After he went to bed, given the time difference, I then baked for the staff morning tea that my department were hosting today (Monday). Both my carrot cake and afghan biscuits (except I used raw sugar) went down a treat. It was kinda stressful, though, because my cheese pastries didn't work. There were plenty of savory dishes though, so it didn't matter.

Adam was around all day on Sunday since his shifts swapped after Puck and I made our plans, but pottered around with his hobbies, and helped me with some of the challenges with the baking... "Adam, do you know where the ____________ is??????!!!!!!"

It was a good weekend. I didn't get all my work done, but that's okay, my day wasn't too bad (since the class from hell wasn't on my schedule today). But I have some work to do tonight. Better get to it.
 
Evie said:
Saturday afternoon/evening was awesome. I had two games of snooker with two guys who apparently come in regularly, and then I had another couple of half pints with two other guys (after the snooker players left). Adam came to get me when he finished shift because I was too tipsy to drive home. I loved the whole day.

Then on Sunday, I spoke to Sol first thing followed by breakfast and then a most-of-the-day-call with Puck. We'd been planning it for about a month and it was fantastic. He thought so, too. We talked, we sat in silent presence, we shared sex the way we do, we played connect 4 on our phones (2-1 to me but it was a bit of a fluke because neither of us saw the winning 4 on the third game until after it notified us that I'd won), and talked some more. We also took time out to go do essential things (I had to go get my car, he had to go feed Iris' cats as she's out of town, and get dinner) and the whole thing just worked brilliantly. He'd been visiting with Charli the night before and they'd had a lot of laughs and de-stressed a lot already, so he had actually deliberately taken the weekend off and it was clearly good for him. I felt comfortable in our relationship again after the day spent together. (We're planning another all day call in just over a month after he's finished with a festival and before he goes on holiday with Iris.)

After he went to bed, given the time difference, I then baked for the staff morning tea that my department were hosting today (Monday). Both my carrot cake and afghan biscuits (except I used raw sugar) went down a treat. It was kinda stressful, though, because my cheese pastries didn't work. There were plenty of savory dishes though, so it didn't matter.

Adam was around all day on Sunday since his shifts swapped after Puck and I made our plans, but pottered around with his hobbies, and helped me with some of the challenges with the baking... "Adam, do you know where the ____________ is??????!!!!!!"

It was a good weekend. I didn't get all my work done, but that's okay, my day wasn't too bad (since the class from hell wasn't on my schedule today). But I have some work to do tonight. Better get to it.
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I'm so glad you reconnected with Puck so well, and had fun at da club doing British-type things lol.
 
Less "da club" and more "workingman's club" (membership required but fairly simple vetting). Apparently they only admitted women 15 years ago!

I had to have a day off yesterday. I actually got to work but my colleagues sent me straight to the doctor. I was going to call and make an appointment for after work but they insisted I go straight away as a walk in. Waiting on blood tests now. Actually had a doctor's note for four days off, but it's almost impossible to take four unplanned days off as a teacher because I can't possibly set that much relief. Easier to go to work. At least Friday is another staff only day; the schedule looks okay, too.

Puck was awesome on Tuesday morning (day off) when I was feeling sick and scared. Adam had already gone to work so Puck got my tears, at least eventually after I'd been trying to put on a brave face. It's probably just a minor thing that's wrong, but I feel so terrible when it plays up. Now I'm living at home again, I can at least see my doctor. I'll get fixed up, I'm sure.

Can it please just be post Covid. I desperately want to get to visit Puck.
 
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Sometimes, timezones are a blessing. Adam is out, Puck should be sound asleep, Mike's never available on a Friday night, but Lance is still early enough in his morning that he could take half an hour for a chat.

I'm not just lonely, I'm a little scared tonight. It's obvious that the pills I was on for a few days have worn off. My chest hurts and I've been sucking back the salbutamol. I've spoken to a nurse on health line and I should be fine to self manage at home, but I really hope I can get into the doctors early next week. I am ready to be fixed up and get some real quality of life back.

Well, it's 8pm and I feel like I could sleep for a week. I'm about to take early to bed, early to rise rather literally. Well, sans the actual getting out of bed part.

I was messaging a platonic buddy earlier who wanted some insight on polyamory because his FWB wants to start dating some bloke. He's torn between compersion, because he really does want her happiness, and confusion about his concurrent sadness that she'll be less available to see him. He is still wrapping his heart and head around poly and is unsure what it would mean for him if she gets a full on romantic relationship, seasoned with a little fomo of what if he should be in a relationship with her. He then found a way to define what he meant by that, so I left him to go talk to her about writing their own lives rather than trying to follow the unwritten script of societal norms. He's still trying to figure out if he wants to be in a poly relationship configuration as the leg of a V, but I'm proud of him for considering it all.
 
Evie, I looked back a few posts and couldn't figure out what this health problem you're having is. I don't think you ever actually said?
 
Magdlyn said:
Evie, I looked back a few posts and couldn't figure out what this health problem you're having is. I don't think you ever actually said?
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Don't know what it is yet. Something heart and or lung based.
 
Evie said:
Don't know what it is yet. Something heart and or lung based.
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Oh, that sounds scary.

Albuterol (also known as salbutamol) is used to treat wheezing and shortness of breath caused by breathing problems (such as asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease). Albuterol belongs to a class of drugs known as bronchodilators.

We call it albuterol here. I hope you get diagnosed soon! I had shortness of breath back in 2004 and it turned out I had a pulmonary embolism. Have you had x-rays, etc.?
 
Just blood tests so far. Aiming to get back to the doc this coming week to get results and discuss the next step. I want to have some energy again!
 
I don't think this is something to mess around with. Don't you have urgent care drop-in clinics in NZ? I went to the ER myself back in 2004 when my breathing got so bad. It was very serious and they were glad I had not delayed longer. I had been walking around like that for at least a week, thinking it was just pollen or something. I'd even flown from MA to FLA, and gone to my parents' big wedding anniversary shindig, running through airports, dancing (trying to) at the party, wondering what was wrong with me. Yikes. I also had a clot in my leg!
 
Yep, of course we have drop in clinics :) but I'm not urgent. I'm not struggling to breathe today, I'm just tiring out easily. No pain, no swelling (e.g. ankles), not needing to take a puffer even...I just have to do things in tiny bits.

It's now three weeks until the end of the term and I just need to get through those three weeks, then I can have two off to recharge a bit better. I'll make sure to get to the doctor this week so if not enough has shown up on the blood tests, he can order a scan or a referral.

Edit: Adam is an EMT and has enough equipment at home to check things like my 02 sats, which are at 99%. I'm safe.
 
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I have a doctor appointment Wednesday evening :)

I've finally caught up with Puck after he's been super busy all weekend doing festival stuff (solstice, yay!). I was largely wiped out during the weekend, didn't even go to the club, and then, naturally, I was feeling pretty good this morning (Monday) right up until about 15 minutes before the end of class. Now I feel like crap, but Adam is home and he'll take care of dinner, so that's nice! Ooooh, he's just come out and suggested we get Indian take aways. That sounds good to me!

Hmm, what else. Hermit has been in touch a little more lately, just a few extra texts mostly to do with work (also a secondary teacher), oh, and his wife and I had a laugh in pm the other day about sharing a gin and tonic (or pitcher thereof) without him. Apparently, I'm one of the few women she feels no jealousy over him being friends with. Yay! I guess she figures if we were going to be a couple, we would have been years ago.

Mike's been quiet for the last week. I'm sure we'll be chatty again when we both feel like it. We've had breaks from communication before and always roll back around to it.

Cheese has sent a couple of long pms lately via Fet. He's broken up with his girlfriend yet again and is trying to navigate how to attract women on there. He never stays broken up with her, though, so I figure when he has repeated lack of success in the dating pool, he'll head on back to her. I've tried to point out that if you want to attract kinky people, you need to show that you're a safe person to be around, which can be done through how you write. He has a ridiculously blank profile and he's screwing up his pm approach, so I've made some suggestions. But honestly, after the last time he was here, *I* don't feel safe around him anymore, so I'm not *too* eager to help.

So, it's winter solstice and it's cold, wet and miserable. I heard about a NZ school the other day that inverted their calendar and are about to start their long break. I think that sounds quite good, to be honest. It means that in a non-covid year, I could have a summer holiday in the northern hemisphere when the weather here is worst of all. And then, in NZ summer, we would have long evenings so even after work it would be a more enjoyable and productive time anyway. Plus there are a heap of public holidays in December/January that are currently just absorbed by the long holidays. I think I'd be happy working through summer and having my main international holiday nowish. I'd love to go see Puck at this time of year. Oh well, we can dream.
 
This morning, I woke up all sorts of motivated. But I lost it. I don't understand why this happens, just that I was excited to get the day underway, but now I've been lying on the couch for a little over an hour. I want to get up, I just can't.

It's like, the other day with my youngest class, we went to the gym and they did the thing where you jump straight up on a box. A number of them got to the point where the did one pretty easily, but then simply couldn't do the next height. It was a mental block more than a physical one. That's what I feel like now. Of course I can do things today, I even want to, I just "can't". It sounds so silly, and writing it out (and posting it) means sooner or later I'll end up getting up and doing stuff out of some sense of embarrassment that I'm a grown adult that's not currently adulting. I hate when I feel like this. So much to do, so much satisfaction in doing it, but gahhhhhh. I both want to and don't wanna all at once. Where did the drive go?

Update:

by 3pm:
  • showered and dressed (ok, that was before 8am)
  • dishes done, kitchen surfaces cleaned
  • new shower curtain bought and hung
  • a few groceries bought
  • dough made and rising
  • about 90 minutes at work making resources (I've nailed this one).
  • about to talk with Puck, vodka lemonade in hand
to do:
  • a little pruning in the garden
  • go to the club for a game of snooker if I can convince anyone to play with me
  • come home, use dough to attempt pizza
  • maybe continue making a PowerPoint for one of my classes
tomorrow:
  • marking (oh how I hate thee, but I'm also starting to get curious as to what the little blighters got)
  • I want to bake something
  • if the weather is like today, I'd like to go for a real cycle
 
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Didn't make it home until closing 😅

Had home made pizza for breakfast, which wasn't terrible.

Now to do some marking while mildly hung over. Oh well. It was a great night. I got to dance with a guy who could really lead. Fun!
 
PMS is a bit fuckin' rough today. It's been a difficult month, health wise, and I'm still fearful about stuff.

I checked the calendar and Puck is booked out for weekends for the next month, being summer and all. So my regular date days are all basically cancelled. We need to talk about when we can have some time to make up for that, but even finding that time right now is hard.

Less than a third of one of my classes passed their algebra test. I wasn't here to teach them that, but somehow I'm going to have to teach it all again.

And, as always, I have more marking (grading) to do than ever.

Two weeks until a small holiday. I just need to hold on for two weeks.
 
Fuck I'm glad I'm childfree (and my partners are 100% with me on that).
 
Saturday was fantastic. Sunday, today, much less so. I had to go into town to a pharmacy that's open on Sundays for UTI antibiotics that can be dispensed by a pharmacist, and although they are working for that problem, now I have a sore throat (no, it won't be Covid, this is NZ). I actually first felt the sore throat on Friday night, but it went away for Saturday. Saturday was cool. I talked to Puck in the morning and then went to the Op shop (thrift store/charity shop) and scored a white shirt (I was looking for a costume piece) and some cards that I can mail out, then I had a great night at home making pizza, messaging with Mike and generally chilling out.

In new news, I'm really enjoying talking to a new-old Fet friend who I befriended a few years ago I think, but we just stayed on the periphery of each other's lives, reading the things we wrote on there, but not really communicating directly. But that's changed and we're in that "getting to know you" phase, which is nice. No hint of a spark, but developing the kind of friendship that we'd end up sleeping together just to say "hello" when I eventually get to the UK. He's a teacher too, but primary school, so we tend to compare and contrast a bit. It's fun.

I did get to help a couple of students today, one former, one current. Actually, my entire day fell into place so I could help out the current one (a thing I know I'd said I'd do but then forgot) by email because by the time I got to work and was on my laptop, it was really late in the day which turned out to be perfect.

Then I came home, ate really bad Chinese takeaways, and watched sappy tv. And now Adam is home, it's definitely bedtime.
 
School holidays start in 1 hour.

I'm so beyond ready for them. Sucky part is I won't get to speak with Puck today, and Adam is heading to a different city for the night. I don't want to be alone tonight.

Upate today: I GOT TO TALK WITH PUCK!!!!! It was soooooo cathartic because it was clear that he wanted to talk with me too. I was slightly embarrassed that I wasn't the best listener today since I was soooo hitting the wall with exhaustion at end of term plus being on my 3rd gin...but we've seen each other tipsy before and it's not the end of the world. I love him so fucking much. (yep, more gin.)

I actually had a really weird dream about him last night that I complete forgot about until right this minute. I was over there and we were having sex for the first time, and we were at his place, but during, he heard a car pull up unexpectedly and went to check at the window and saw it was his wife, and I said "oh well, we'll go downstairs soon, it's ok" and he said "no, we need to stop now," and I said, "what? Adam would totally get this and we're 5 years into poly, not 20! wtf?" and he said, "we just don't overhear each other, ever, that's our hard limit" which I was cool with but then pissed off that she arrived home early.

So, I forgot to tell Puck all of this (I'll copy/paste this into the journal he reads so we can unpack it sometime) because neither of us want to be doing this today, or in the next week because we're already fucking exhausted by life. But I guess we do need to have another conversation about boundaries before I EVENTUALLY (fuckcovid, and yes that's one word now) get to their town.

EDIT: we've already planned that the first time we have sex in person will be in a hotel very close to the airport that I will arrive at, so this dream was totally weird, but I'm glad it brought up a talking point.
 
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