In the garden

Evie

Mod
Thank you PinkPig, I must admit I've been second guessing myself about asking the smallest questions, like, "will you be available to touch base after work?"

The conversations have been light but it's clear there is a lot of undertones to it, both of not wanting to lose each other over this, but a little nerves that quite a lot of damage has been done. We've both agreed to changes - he's going to get more sleep and I'm going back to the gym, which I managed to remember to sign up for tonight before they closed. Let's not discuss sign up fees :cautious: But considering my heart has been doing all sorts of arrhythmic crap today, I do need to pay some attention to heart health again, that's always been my favourite part of the gym.
 

Evie

Mod
So yesterday I was at a regional professional development day (workshops on algebra) and my old maths teacher was there! I wouldn't have seen her since I was 17!!!! (I'm 43). She was the teacher who let me out of her class heaps to go work on lighting in the school theatre, and I still got a good grade in her class. She was quite stoked to discover I'd become a maths teacher and said something along the lines of that it's good that the people who didn't necessarily fit well in the school system became teachers because they can understand some of their students a bit better.

I got a tiny call with Puck this morning. The temperature is crazy over there, especially for the time of year - 95F/35C. And this year has gone so fast it seems like just a moment ago the ground was covered in snow. I wonder what season I'll first get to see it in, there's still absolutely no indication from our government if/when vaccinated citizens will be able to travel in and out of NZ without quarantine measures.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Evie, remind me of how long you've been in a relationship with Puck. Could it be that NRE is finally coming to an end?

However, there are many reasons a relationship that started out as strongly D/s can lose that edge... Work stress is definitely one of them. If the Dom is feeling just too wrung out, he/she may not have the strength or desire to get into that headspace.
 

Evie

Mod
Evie, remind me of how long you've been in a relationship with Puck. Could it be that NRE is finally coming to an end?

However, there are many reasons a relationship that started out as strongly D/s can lose that edge... Work stress is definitely one of them. If the Dom is feeling just too wrung out, he/she may not have the strength or desire to get into that headspace.
Oh yeah, after about 20 months since our first call, the NRE phase is definitely over for both of us. Especially with travel plans halted indefinitely 😥 Add on time differences, and life such as a really difficult time for me at my old job, him taking on an additional job, and the onset of his summer meaning some other projects need to happen and it's a bit of a perfect storm.

He's clearly been a little removed from that headspace for a while, and we have previously had quality chats about what we can and can't do right now that I haven't written about here. Thing is, he agreed he wanted to "tighten the leash" (metaphorically) but simply hasn't, and then found himself triggered when I couldn't submit one day (I tried but got distressed, and it was my tears that caused everything to come to a head.)

There's no fault here, it's just what it is, and obviously this is my place to vent. Some days I don't want to navigate the three sides to the two person story, I just want to write how I'm feeling. Other days, I'm far more pragmatic. And sometimes I'm solution focused. One part of that solution is to fully let go of the crap from my old job. I'm in a different place now and feeling good about it many more days than not so, it's also time to embrace optimism again. And the gym, which I went to yesterday (and am feeling today!).

So, onwards and upwards. I don't believe the end of NRE is going to be the death knell even of a LDR with no visits in sight, but we do need to actively become interesting to each other because the getting-to-know-you phase (when EVERYTHING is interesting) is certainly over and we don't have other the usual other things to transition to that one might in person.
 
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Evie

Mod
And after yet another surprise in scheduling conflicts, Puck is going to try sharing his Google calendar with me. It's not a program I have successfully used, but I will learn so it helps prevent surprises.

It sucks feeling like an afterthought.
 

Evie

Mod
You know what. Anywhere but my blog doesn't feel like a constructive space to post right now. The board has taken a turn recently and I'm scared that anything I say is going to be turned against me with hyperbolic claims about my intention or relationships. All because of one (imo toxic) poster. Seriously, we've weathered all sorts here over the last 6 years I've been a regular, and I'm sure there was some real characters before that, too. Hell, I've had my moments of being disillusioned with the daily stream of newbie postings not even interested in posting anything beyond an intro and a unicorn hunting ad and posted harshly.

And people I respect have called me out on it, and I've stepped away until I am feeling like I can pick my moments and not bother engaging with things that are just going to make me roll my eyes.

Why do I seem like I am looking on the dark side of something? Why do I sometimes now seem like I'm looking on the bright side of something? Because I fucking am. I'm human and on different days I have different responses to different bullshit or interesting shit. Why *don't* I continue to engage with a discussion even though someone has brought something new to the table? Because I. have. other. things. to. think. about. Why don't I have a consistent message to every different OP? Because THEY are fucking different and I am a human being that responds to the TONE OF THE OP and replies (or not) according to my interest or indifference to the situation.

I am part of this community, but one of the things I love about this community is the dissent among regulars on various threads without it devolving into ad nauseum attacks and hyperbole. Those who have stuck around a while realise we can have different responses to different situations because the wording and tone of each post is what determines where it goes, not some One Rule For All regarding what should be.

Interestingly, out of core members, the divides over different OPs vary here and there. Regular members regularly debate each other and the "teams" shift depending on the issue at hand.

That's a healthy community.

Recently, this has been questioned by someone so new they haven't seen, or perhaps wanted to see, the diversity in each thread. One post is claimed to be the spokesperson for all, which we know is simply not true because cherry picking is the antithesis of quality analysis. Reading the whole threads paints a different picture to what is being portrayed when just one or two entries are highlighted.

And yet, I now feel unsafe posting anywhere but my blog. Because of one poster.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Trolls are so annoying. I just keep reporting them. Ref is aware.
 

Evie

Mod
Puck sent me a lot of messages in short order today which included an apology for his behaviour lately, an acknowledgement that the issues have been his and are largely centred around his mental and physical health, and how he's going to address them. So, we're going to get healthier together and I'm feeling a lot better about our future and the still unknown wait before we can start exploring travel options together.
 

Evie

Mod
Puck and I had a really connective date call today. It was oddly interrupted by Renée with a non-emergency phone call she'd received that was actually trying to get hold of him. He dealt with it quickly at the time and let me know he later reiterated that when his office door is closed that he is not to be disturbed. I said that I was aware that a true emergency could interrupt us and would understand that, but we were both unimpressed today.

He is out at Selene's tonight then away camping with Renée for the next few days. But I'm feeling good about our next date now we've got the foundations solid again.
 
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Evie

Mod
I missed this episode but just want to say how very valued you are, Evie. I always appreciate your contributions to the discussions.
Thank you Karen. That account has been closed by admin so I feel that the board is back to normal again.
 

Darqon

New member
Thank you Karen. That account has been closed by admin so I feel that the board is back to normal again.

Glad it got resolved and you're feeling better. I don't post a lot myself. I spend most of my time reading/learning.
I'd like you (and all the people that write in this section) to know how much I appreciate your contributions here.
These blog/life story posts feel so much more like real-life and complete experiences than the rest of the sections of the forums. Hope that makes sense..
So.. Thank you! :)
 

Evie

Mod
Puck's home from his camping trip and feeling very reflective. I won't go into those personal details, but I will say I have asked him how I can be of support when I can't do things like just notice what needs doing around the house and do it. Long distance relationships have yet another version of hard - I literally can't care for him in all the ways I know how. We listen to each other, provide a few words of support or advice, and that's about it tbh. I don't need more from him (on that front), but I can't help but wish I could do more for him.

He's realised that he could be a little more creative during our long (date) calls and has asked me for an inventory of my toy box. We had some fun with rope last weekend, but I'm actually quite sensitive to the jute rope fibres (causes breathing issues) so I'm considering a nylon option. I went to price it up last weekend and the guy at the hardware store asked me what my project was!!! He kindly let it drop as soon as I started going, "um, ahh, err, I can't really say."

I've decided to start coming out on my Insta. There's nothing to post yet, but I've been strategically culling those who it would be problematic sharing any photos I take with Puck when I finally get there. I already have people on there that I've met here and at my old local kink group who know I'm poly, and I'm strategically removing family from my followers. My account is private so I get to approve or deny requests for follow me. I'm honestly quite excited about becoming more authentic. Bring on my USA trip! (Nope, still no tickets, and I'm not even vaccinated. NZ has a very slow roll out).

But I'm feeling so positive about everything again. So positive. Like I have a whole lot of energy I want to release into this positivity!!! Probably a good thing I've joined the gym lol. I'm not expecting quite so much of myself this year, I'd be happy if I start with 3 days a week. There's actually a really inspiring guy down there, and yes, his physique is part of the inspiration, he's beautifully strong and I want to be able to do at least some of what he does and look (sort of) what he looks like. He's young, so he's not the kind of hot to me that Cute Gym Guy from Worktown was, but he's literally inspirational just because I see what he does and get ideas.

But I've also been doing things that I've just seen elsewhere and never been able to try before. Like jumping up on boxes. From the floor to the box, y'know? I did the low one the other day, I don't know how high it is, they aren't marked which is probably good because that way I can't freak out over a number. I stepped up onto a few times until I had a real feel for the height, then jumped straight up a few times to see if I could even have a go at it, then jumped onto it and straight off so I didn't have to try to stick the landing, but then, I landed up there. And again, and again. So on Monday, I graduated up a box. I then discovered that I could change from landing from really heavy, to strangely light. I'm sure physics would say it's exactly the same force, but my shins have a different opinion. So, tomorrow, box 3.

I've (finally) been watching The Bold Type and I'm really enjoying it except they didn't really run far enough with the open relationship storyline, and they glorified the OTT reaction to a kissing a rando. I really hate the phrase, "it didn't mean anything" which they have used twice now, emphatically. HOW RUDE (yes, I'm channeling the Full House vibe, since we're on American TV)! It did mean something! It meant that in that moment there was a deep attraction to that person, that they were hot, interesting, human, and worthy of a kiss. And the excitement of a first kiss within itself! I love first kisses and it's been sooooo long since I've had one. Also, I really wish they would have totally run with a poly storyline with Kat as hinge to Tia and Adena. But I guess that's a bridge too far for ratings (or whatever the modern equivalent is).

Does anyone remember that thread about things that don't exist for poly people? Well, I hope that someone makes that movie I pitched. And somewhere in there that, "it didn't mean anything," is totally dismantled into the value of that moment and how it is actually wrong to dismiss your kissing partner, or yourself, like that.
 

Evie

Mod
Yep, okay, I'm talkative tonight, but I just spoke with Lance and I really hope I've talked him out of the WORST business name ever.

We laughed so hard I nearly choked 🤣😂🤣😂🤣
 

Evie

Mod
I did the third height box today!

No more boxes, though :-(

I'll just have to find other things to challenge me.
 

Evie

Mod
It's Sunday, tomorrow is a public holiday, and I'm struggling.

I have a huge to do list and just can't get started. Which is of course then stressing me out. And in turn I become even more fatigued and resistant and really wish I could just sleep and then wake up "on the right side of the bed" because today I'm feeling on the wrong side. It's days like this I feel so very far from normal.

Puck's had some devastating news, too, and must be processing in his own way, because he's not up to a conversation so far today.

Spoke with Sol this morning, but I couldn't bring my best self. I didn't sleep so well last night so I'm tired, beyond tired by now and just want to cry it out.

Reading up on RSD (as has been written about here that then led me to search deeper) has also held up a mirror to my childhood and beyond. I'm so torn. I'm pretty sure I exhibit ADHD symptoms but I'm also a fan of Sir Ken Robinson, so agree that ADHD is a diagnosis that is for frequently people who don't fit the current predominant western social structures (including, obviously in his case, schooling). School was challenging for me and I originally became interested in education because of how incompatible I felt I was with my experience of it. Now I'm teaching because I love working with young people, and I'm actually pretty good at explaining ideas. But I still hate standardised testing, compulsory hours of work, aged based learning, implicit and explicit power structures in education, and the slightest critique from my superiors can bring about the extreme thought/emotional reaction (that I can actually then overcome by my executive thought function because I know I'm having an extreme reaction, but that RSD reaction still happens in the moment).

I want to fit the damn world in a way I don't right now (because the world is a long way off fully accomodating people who don't fit.) I can imagine myself working in a different but related career somewhere in the future. Certainly away from standardized education or any of its support structures (I'm looking at you, Ministry of Education). But what? I have to earn a certain amount to service the mortgage (which is actually overall cheaper than renting anywhere that I'd have broader career opportunities).

My current school is looking at a total revamp of the timetable next year and getting rid of traditional subjects, so I'm curious as to how that will go.

But today, Adam is just back from the supermarket so I'll make some breakfast and see if that can help me find the energy to do anything else at all.
 
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tdh

Active member
I'm pretty sure I exhibit ADHD symptoms but I'm also a fan of Sir Ken Robinson, so agree that ADHD is a diagnosis that is for frequently people who don't fit the current predominant western social structures (including, obviously in his case, schooling).
ADHD was commonly not diagnosed in women due to sexism (having been diagnosed accurately via brain waves and DSM) . Read/listen to the book ADD Friendly Ways to Organize your Life even if you remotely think you might have some tendencies and it might help you as an adult. I struggle still with things and this book is my manual and I have to reread it yearly. Extremely helpful.
 
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