In the garden

Evie

Mod
Today is a professional development day rather than a teaching day. I'm actually quite happy for that as I've been experiencing insomnia much of this last week. I took Tuesday off as a sick day and it was much needed; I ended up doing quite a bit if inner work and found that there were things bugging me so profoundly that it has clearly been impacting my well being. So, since they are all things out of my control, I have decided to work on adjusting my attitude, instead. I let my gratitude journal lapse badly, so that's become my first plan - get back on that wagon. After a bit of time with that, I'll believe I'll start to feel more able to control the things I can, like my own energy levels.

I have a "whole day" call with Puck planned for my Saturday, his Friday night. Unfortunately, this coincides with Adam's swing day at work so he'll be home all day, too, but we've done this before and it's been okay.

Saturdays are going to become my and Puck's regular date day, which suits me really well. I'm effectively completely swapping with Selene, so I'm good with that.

Right, time for this mammoth day of faculty meetings.
 

Evie

Mod
Today, I'm supposed to be talking with Puck as an all day date call. Admittedly, this generally means we come and go from actual being on the phone, but today it just seems like he's more off the phone than on. First, he needed a nap. Then to go get coffee (drive to coffee shop). Then it was exercise the dog (Iris' dog as she needed him to look after it for the day), then exercise the dog some more because after a quick nap she became even more excitable. And now he needs to go make an eat dinner with Renee (a two hour mission*). He reckons after dinner we'll be able to have a longer chat.

Long distance really sucks sometimes. I just wanted connection time and he's got very little energy to give to our connection right now. There is no sexual connection and no D/s dynamic. His burnout that I first saw in May has only increased and, by his own admission, he has hit his rock bottom. I am certainly able to stick with him through it, although in my own burnout and pandemic fatigue I find my patience wearing thin. Why today, of all days, does he have to be dog sitting? (Obviously, because he simply needed to, but it just feels unfair). Why, on MY date day, does he have to go make dinner with Renee? (Obviously, because they live together, she is home, and it's simply expected). The answers are logical, understandable, realistic, but that doesn't mean I can be at peace with them.

But with no end in sight to the travel restrictions from my country, I find my heart simply breaking that all I want is time and I can't even get it when we plan it.

And now I have two primary partners with no sex drive.

FML.

*2 1/2
 
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Evie

Mod
If you have a funny bone, a feminist streak, and/or an interest in art history, go find Nanette by Hannah Gadsby on Netflix.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
I'm sorry date day didn't go as expected. I personally would be really irritated about the dinner break in particular. There is no reason one can't communicate in advance to a live in partner "I'm not available for dinner that day."
 

Evie

Mod
I'm sorry date day didn't go as expected. I personally would be really irritated about the dinner break in particular. There is no reason one can't communicate in advance to a live in partner "I'm not available for dinner that day."
Honestly, I don't think that would have even occurred to him. He was home, she was home, and when that happens, they do dinner together. It's like my date wasn't real enough to be considered a thing that changes that routine.

We spent some time talking after they'd had dinner. That, at least, was an honest conversation. I said I was aware that he had just too much going on right now to be able to have enough left to direct any of his will at our dynamic (this isn't the first time we brushed up against this, but I was super blunt yesterday). So, we have suspended the dynamic until he's got his shit together at home.

And then I reached out to Gaze and bawled my eyes out.
 

Darqon

New member
Honestly, I don't think that would have even occurred to him. He was home, she was home, and when that happens, they do dinner together. It's like my date wasn't real enough to be considered a thing that changes that routine.

I'm not sure I'd find that acceptable, for me. Seems to me if you've got a date scheduled, that should be real and scheduled.
I would put that as a matter of honor and respect.

Anyways, I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out so well too. I hope he gets his shit together soon.
 

Evie

Mod
I'm not sure I'd find that acceptable, for me. Seems to me if you've got a date scheduled, that should be real and scheduled.
I would put that as a matter of honor and respect.

Anyways, I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out so well too. I hope he gets his shit together soon.

I hope he does, too. It sucks not being wanted in that way.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Ugh, yeah. Hopefully the bluntness and stepping back from that dynamic helps him realize that he was taking it/you for granted when he should have been carving out space for you.

I'm glad you have other support during rough relationship times too! That's invaluable.
 

Evie

Mod
I sent Puck an email this morning (not totally unusual, it's how we used to communicate before video calls took over) not to overtly call him out on anything but to ask what he wants to do to nurture our relationship.

He's acknowledged the email and has said he'll reply with detail later.
 

Evie

Mod
I'm mostly back on track with Puck although our D/s dynamic is suspended for the foreseeable future - which he has suggested as just a couple of weeks but I'm honestly in no rush. It was my call based on his behaviour and I want a little more time to rebuild in general before leaping back into my collar. We haven't planned another all day call, either, because I wanted to recover from some serious sleep deprivation first.

Today, NZ has jumped straight to a level 4 lockdown because of one positive case in the community yesterday. Today, that one had climbed to five cases. None are in my region and unaffected regions may only have a three day lockdown Honestly, I doubt that, but my work is basically treating it as a long weekend and if we can't go back to work on Monday, then we'll commence actively working from home.

I was supposed to have a gp appointment this afternoon about not sleeping, but that's been cancelled. However my doctor rang last night to ask why I'd made the appointment, and when I told him he said he'd send a sleeping pill prescription straight to my pharmacy. He's told me to rebook once I can and we'll sort out why I'm not sleeping. There's a bit of a theme going on around here at the moment with those of use in our early-mid 40s so I suspect I'll join in with some peri-menopausal symptoms of waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to get back to sleep. I've been keeping an eye on the book recommendations you guys are making so I'll see what I can get my hands on. Slightly annoyed if it is, because my birth mother only just went through this a couple of years ago and I thought I'd be like her, but I've been told that age of menopause isn't particularly hereditary. Go figure.

I finally slept well last night because of a different pill I took, but I've clearly still got some catching up to do because I'm tired again and it's only 1pm.

Honestly, lockdown is a blessing for me, I get to get my sleeping back on track, I hope.
 

Evie

Mod
I'm sleeping normally again now, thank goodness. I must admit, I'm finding this lockdown generally more stressful than the last one. Part of it is because of how rudely my students communicate online. Even the ones who are polite in class are coming across as horrible in the forums. Also, this is a much different time of year than last time and the administrative requirements are significantly different. Nothing in itself it too difficult, but we're looking at some serious time pressures when we get back into classes so I'm already getting a little anxious about how that would turn out. Also, I strongly suspect we'll be going back masked. And I also strongly suspect that a lot of students won't comply.

The weather has been lovely and I have gone on a couple of bike rides this week. Sadly, it's about to turn nasty so I suspect I'm going to have a harder time of it in the coming week.

Puck seems to have turned a corner in his own wellbeing and has been able to put a little more effort into our connection. We're both noticing the difference, and although it's early days in this new phase, it's feeling much better.

Adam is just Adam. He is a front line worker so keeps working. Luckily , we're in a low risk area of the country for Covid. I love being home with him this lockdown, so much better than last year when I worked out of town and had to stay there for most of it.

I'm still having moments when I feel really out of sorts and I can't quite place why. Sometimes, I'm just really tired of life.
 
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Evie

Mod
So far, today is a better day. I upped my bike ride from 5km (3mi) to 8km (5mi) and although my legs, butt and arms really felt it (I need new handlebars) I was pleased with myself. I did the ride in exactly half an hour, so now I know what I need to beat. Unfortunately, the weather is about to pack in for a week or so, but maybe on the days where it's not too cold, I can get out in the pauses, even just to do the 5km route.

Adam is grumpy today but is doing a good job not letting it spill out to anything between us. I've asked him if there's anything I can do to help and he's suggested making a particular biscuit (cookie). I don't think I have enough butter, though, so I'll have to investigate that after I have finished my video class. I baked up some bread this morning that had been proving overnight. It has such a different texture two a same day batch but either way, it's really yummy. I've probably eaten too much today already :LOL:

I'll be talking with Puck this afternoon before he head away for a long weekend white water rafting. I do get envious of the people he can spend in person time with doing cool stuff, but it's not an envy that is detrimental to us in any way, I know when I can finally travel internationally again he and I will have our own epic holiday. I'm also really looking forward to when he can come here and I can show him around my figurative back yard.

I just had a lovely video lesson with my favourite class so I'm feeling really positive about that.

Right, time to go do some of the never-ending chores that define adult life.
 

Evie

Mod
Today has been grocery shopping and baking so far. Since I'm trapped in this domesticated life, I might as well do those things that I'd miss if was traveling right now. I'll probably do some of the needed machine sewing shortly. I'm on top of work enough that I don't have to do anything today - a Sunday (bonus of lockdown).

Mike messaged earlier. He didn't stick around long, just a brief hello. And a guy I haven't given a name to but have been in vague contact with also messaged. He often does when he sees that I'm on Messenger. I'm honestly not really sure why, it's not like we're going to spark anything serious up, but in some ways it's kinda sweet. I saw a short video on facebook where there was some weird concept of "piggy banking" mentioned. Apparently, some of the younger generation have a problem with this type of staying in touch. I personally don't. Hello old friend, yes please, please do stay in touch with me and flirt a little on the off chance that we may end up in the same town one of these days and be able to bang our brains out. That sounds like a lovely idea LOL.
 

Evie

Mod
Puck will be back from his weekend away later today. He has already messaged me early this morning just to say a quick hello and that he's looking forward to talking later on.

I'm still really struggling with the feeling of being trapped in my life in small town NZ. Yet another case of be careful what you wish for. I'm really working on the gratitude stuff so that I don't constantly feel like the grass would be greener elsewhere. A large part of it is that Adam and I have really drifted as a couple. We've already talked about what we could do to reengage, but we don't actually do it. I guess it doesn't really matter. It's not like I could do anything else with my life right now, I'm very stuck here.

At least my boss is super relaxed about this time during lockdown. She's identified one priority and doesn't care if I chase up anything else. Sweet.

I'm not actually depressed. I'm still curious as to what comes next. Because this too shall pass.
 

Evie

Mod
I'm having a rather shit time with the side effects, but it's been over 48 hours now so hopefully I'll sleep the last of it off tonight.
 

fuchka

Member
I'm having a rather shit time with the side effects, but it's been over 48 hours now so hopefully I'll sleep the last of it off tonight.
That's rubbish, sorry to hear that. Hope you get good rest tonight and you wake up vaxxed and fresh
 

Evie

Mod
Thanks fuchka! I'm feeling much better this morning :)

I've had my weekly longer call with Puck, but he was dealing with a lot going on there, so mostly today I just listened. He's decided what he needs to do as his next step to proper well-being, so I've actually sent him a little financial support for that. I keep an account for us anyway, so I just used that. Unfortunately, just as we were about to sign off, I moved a little and my knee did that really painful thing where something gets all twisted or caught up on the outside, and then has to shift again for the knee to be able to straighten - if you've ever experienced this you'll know what I'm talking about and are probably wincing with your own memories right now. I've had it happen for years, but the older I get, the worse it seems to get. So, poor Puck got to see this happen and what I look like in actual really unpleasant pain, enough pain that I couldn't actually form words for a minute. He was really good about it, waiting without pestering me for an explanation.

Adam and I had a really lovely night last night. I was on the supermarket run after the crowds thinned and I was starting to feel a bit better. I spontaneously got a small piece of salmon and figured it was time to have another go at learning to cook that nicely. I nailed it. I served it with a tiny green salad - just mixed leaves, diced kiwi, lime infused olive oil, and balsamic drizzle. Dinner didn't end there, but although the rest was really great, this isn't a food blog ;-) Admittedly, we're seriously thinking about how to make tonight's dinner a memorable one, too. It's a way to alleviate this stir craziness of lockdown while NZ rushes to vaccinate the population now that we have a delta outbreak (notably confined due to the quick and strict lockdown measures).

Mike just popped up to say hello. I'll probably talk with him more tomorrow when I'm in a better mood.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Maybe planning meals, trying new recipes will be a nice way to sort of re-bond with Adam.
 
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