In the garden

[Evie]

@Ariakas - thank you so much! These look like I'll be much more comfortable one way or another.

I'm finally coming right after my second jab. I should be able to do normal stuff today. I'm expecting visitors in just over an hour so that is motivation to get up and at 'em. Whilst lying around in bed for a couple of days sounds great, it does tend to result in a very stiff back, so moving around again is the only cure. I have some interior decorating painting to do today, and cleaning, and all those holiday at home things that just make the place a little nicer.

Puck is at the beginning of a weekend long Autumn festival so I'm really excited for him for that. We've exchanged a couple of messages this morning to try and find a window where we can have a call before things really kick off for him. Once they do, I'm not expecting to see him until my Tuesday, but that is the day we're celebrating our anniversary, so we'll be on the phone most of the day. And yes, I have talked to him about NOT taking a two hour dinner break, and he's said he won't.

Adam is back at work as of yesterday, but that friggin' shed still isn't finished. I could hear the builder yesterday and got a progress photo yesterday evening when I was finally able to get up for 10 minutes, but there's still so much to do. I'm looking forward to posting the "final" photo when it's "done enough" - although we won't be able to build the deck out the front of it properly for a while. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen - being unable to finish it properly because we ran out of money. But it also shouldn't have taken so long to put up. I've basically told Adam that this is it, no more significant home improvement projects for the foreseeable future (nothing more than a lick of paint). Which upsets me, because the rest of the projects would have been more for my enjoyment, but we have no more money now, that's all there is to it. Yes, I have come to resent that stupid shed. Adam keeps telling me that it will make a huge difference in the organisation of every other space that he has stuff packed to the rafters, and maybe that will be true, but right now it's just a money pit and I'm sick to death of it. I'd be a little happier if he'd complete his qualification and get the associated payrise, but that's on hold, too.

And so, with so much I have zero control over, I'm simply going to have this little vent about it and then go deal with the things that I do have control over. The things that I can do to make my life better, including getting back on my bike

And here is the bane of my existence:

 

[Evie]

I spoke with Lance last night although we didn't have much to say. I haven't been following the news and didn't realise how bleak things were in the UK. His business is still going strong but he seems so sad in general, he has for a while.

When I finally woke properly this morning I found a message from Puck that Iris and he are breaking up. This seems out of the blue to me - Puck hasn't said things have been particularly vexed between them lately, so it will be her idea. The message I've had since sounds so sad that it might actually be for real this time. I'm perplexed and sad for him, but I'm (selfishly) livid at her since it's his and my anniversary today. I doubt she knows that, though.

I'm going to spend some time with Adam today checking out the new local library, which is actually a hybrid library, digital hub, job seekers type place as far as I can tell from the outside. I also want to mow some of the lawns today.

Edit: ended up going for a lovely country drive with Adam, also visited my grandparents' grave (well, ashes because the actual grave is my great grandmother on my grandfather's side.) I haven't been there since I discovered my original middle name. Turns out it was my great grandmother's first name. I took that in my stride, and I also took home a potted succulent from the grave that was clearly in distress in order to repot it and hopefully save it. I'll take it back before the end of the week.

And I mowed about half the lawns, including edges with the weedeater.

 

[Evie]

Today has been productive (makes up for yesterday). Plants cared for, paperwork done, interior decorating moving forward (some spackling, bought paint) and the builder has been here all day!

 

[Evie]

Puck's breakup with Iris didn't stick. I'm actually really annoyed that she fucked up his weekend and our anniversary for nothing. We've rescheduled our date day until tomorrow but he's going to her place tonight for their regular weekly overnight. I've actually begged him not to fight with her tonight and ruin his mood for tomorrow.

 

[Magdlyn]

Your patience with this LDR is beyond belief!

 

[Evie]

The long distance part was always supposed to be mitigated by travel, but this goddamn pandemic threw such a massive spanner in that works. So there's still the lure of so very many in person adventures to be had, and I am still confident I want those.

The relationship part has been and will be tweaked as wanted/needed. We're both struggling with pandemic fatigue and I've been struggling with career stuff and he's been struggling with midlife stuff. We've both had difficulties at home. Neither of us are able to give each other our absolute best, but we still enjoy each other's company.

I'm just so ready for an open world again.

Delta is starting to pick up here and the government is starting to give up on moving known cases to managed quarantine facilities, it's now a race to vaccinate as many people as possible. We were so slow on starting a proper vaccination rollout and now there's a massive push to get a high percentage done. At least the vaccine isn't a political issue, every party line is the same. But there are some cultural issues. Pasifika communities are doing pretty well within themselves to promote vaccination - at least once it started being a threat, but Maori are lagging still. We have one megachurch leader being a total asshat about it.

I'm still hoping that we'll see some progress in opening up (no more border quarantine) from the two year mark of when it first got here, so around March next year. I'm pretty convinced, though, that I'm unlikely to be able to travel until Dec 2022/Jan 2023.

LDRs are harder in a pandemic.

 

[Evie]

Puck and I had a really great Friday call and had a fairly decent chat on Saturday morning, and also a chance to touch base this morning. He's spending a lot of time with a new person this weekend - it is probably going to remain casual but right now they're enjoying getting to know each other. I think I'm remembering correctly when I say she's Selene's friend.

On Saturday, Adam was working so I had a day that was initially all to myself. I started with a trip to my grandparents grave to drop off a couple of potted plants. I'd brought one home earlier in the week to repot as well as find something for the now too small pot. So they are back there. Then it was home for some chores (mostly laundry since work starts again tomorrow), and then I headed into town to go to a travelling market. I wasn't far from home when I decided to ask Therese to come with me. That turned into a really good idea, and we had a bit of a catch up. After I dropped her home, I went and did some very leisurely clothes shopping at the department store I apparently am now old enough to find pieces I like at. Luckily it was sale time because I really, really needed some new work clothes. It was also sale time at the homewares store so I got a heap of things that Adam and I have talked about needing for the house. I then took myself out for dinner at a rather up market Indian restaurant and had a goat curry. It was my first time eating goat and I did it with an adventurous spirit. I wouldn't again, there at least, as it was just too tough. All in all, it was a good day.

Today, I have social video calls booked throughout the day, and I'll also spend a little time at work making sure I'm ready for tomorrow. Well, if my work computer will actually talk to the school network. Sigh.

Update not much later:

My call with Puck didn't feel long enough, my second call was too long. I'm just back from doing groceries and Adam has got the hint that I need help and is doing the dishes. I want to prepare for tomorrow's classes - I don't think I can face more than that. It's been so frustrating that I can't get my work computer to talk to the school system anymore when I'm on WiFi.

My third call is later this afternoon. I need to have enough done beforehand, and my brain is frazzling at just what that is. I need a list and it needs to be very, very short.

Update a couple of hours later:

OK, I'm having a difficult day. List didn't happen. I can't focus, I can't bring myself to do stuff I actually wanted to do today (including any actual prep), also after 3 complete loads yesterday I'm having difficulty even going and hanging out the last load of laundry I put on last night. I can't even figure out what I need right now to move forward that I can actually do. I know I could hang out that laundry, put away those dishes Adam did earlier, school work I could be doing on my personal computer - but I just can't seem to open that tab or get off the couch. Yesterday was so GOOD and so PRODUCTIVE and I felt so POWERFUL. Today, I feel like a lazy, confused, paralyzed, irresponsible person. Why can't I be like yesterday every day? Why do I get one good day (sometimes two) and then it all turns to custard?

My third call has just cancelled (we've known each other forever so I'm actually not taking it personally, which is a pretty impressive thing). I'm not sure what that will mean for the rest of the day except that it will mean I stop waiting for some unknown time to roll around (I had sent a message asking when is best and just now got a reply saying "not today" with an apology and very valid health reasons.) And by waiting, I mean being unable to do anything at all until it's that time (which made the unknown time even worse). I've been trying to get better at using the time before an expected thing (like a call) to do small, useful things but today, it's all just too much. I can't bear to even do the simplest of chores.

I'm not diagnosed because there is still a lot of denial in me (plus cost and of course being afraid of my doctor thinking I'm just making something out of nothing - and yes, I cried just typing that, hello RSD) but I'm pretty sure you ADHD ladies are reading this going, "I see you, Evie, this is basically text book shit happening here."

Sometimes, I know (am pretty sure) I'm struggling with a condition that I should be able to get help for. But in many ways I'm also hiding it a lot and simply doing my best to add coping mechanisms to my toolkit myself.

 

[Evie]

It's still Sunday, but rather than another update, I thought I'd add another post.

I've just been talking with Puck, an unexpected call as his guest (Selene's friend) went home at the end of their night. I didn't quite understand at first, but he's known her for years and every now and then they have a bit of salacious/cathartic sex of whatever form. Sounds like they had a really lovely evening and for once, I'm not envious. I think it was because I told him explicitly the other day that I was struggling with envy and it ended up being "a problem shared is a problem halved." He was quite drunk when we started talking, which was fun as hell because it's very rare that we talk when either or both of us is in any kind of altered state.

We bantered, and laughed at the banter. Honestly, in breaking the relationship a few weeks ago, it has been strengthened in ways I'm sure neither of us imagined.

In vino, veritas, and we talked about all sorts of things we wouldn't normally think to share. I told him more about Tech (who passed last January) and why that really cut me to the core. He had told me on Friday more about someone important to him in a similar (but probably more complex) way, who has also passed. Tonight's conversation stemmed from him lamenting the struggle to find people with whom he deeply identifies. I was a little surprised at how objectively I took that and pointed out that we spent a lot of the early part of our relationship finding similarities, then later on finding differences, partly because too many similarities are actually less stimulating than differences are. But dare I say it was apparent that earlier in his evening left him feeling a little...[I feel like I can't choose a really suitable word here without being a little offensive to his guest, which I really don't want to be].

I'm so very glad we got to talk tonight.

 

[icesong]

I know you know this but the trying to hide from / cope with is also textbook - so is "waiting mode" when. you have things to do later and can't do other things "now". So is the occasional good day where it doesn't FEEL like you're using up all your dopamine stores but you totally are and thus have none for the next day, and then you find yourself with no executive function at ALL.

 

[Evie]

I know you know this but the trying to hide from / cope with is also textbook - so is "waiting mode" when. you have things to do later and can't do other things "now". So is the occasional good day where it doesn't FEEL like you're using up all your dopamine stores but you totally are and thus have none for the next day, and then you find yourself with no executive function at ALL.

Waiting mode is freaking horrible. Have you ever tried taking dopamine supplements? I'm wondering if I should try some "natural remedy" stuff.

In general news, that freaking outside building is getting closer to finished. I am afraid to look today in case I'm disappointed, but the floor should basically be down and hopefully the only remaining thing are the steps up to it. I did notice that the builder screwed up a window catch, but I'll let Adam know and he can sort it out tomorrow. Adam's also going to polyurethane the floor and we're putting down rugs - just ones that are around the house right now. Always a work in progress, but maybe, just maybe, it will be ready for furniture in the next couple of weeks.

Puck is getting a promotion at work! I'm really happy for him, especially since it was totally out of the blue. As for me at work, yesterday was horrible because I got sick with something (a weird migraine?) that meant I came home early and slept for nearly 2 hours. But whatever it was, I was okay by this morning and today actually went alright and I was able to finish the day by getting everything ready for tomorrow.

I am really getting a bit antsy again to find someone local. Mike and I have drifted quite a way by now, not that he was ever particularly local...but let's just say, I'm not feeling polysaturated at the moment. In saying that, I'd like to find some ways to boost my energy and concentration so I can actually do anything at all after work most days. The weather turned again so I haven't jumped on my bike today. Spring is just so variable. I really hope that I can have a good summer. I need a plan. Or a new romance lol.

 

[icesong]

I haven’t tried anything from the article you linked - the only things I’ve done are wellbutrin (which definitely helps) and l-tyrosine which didn’t seem to do anything. And caffeine in large doses of course.

Though now I’m tempted to send that article to my next door neighbor, who is a professional herbalist, and see if she has any ideas for me. She made a tea for Joan that is apparently helping with some of her chronic health issues…

 

[Evie]

I never developed a taste for coffee. I have it once or twice a year when I'm at a very good cafe. Cola, however...sigh. The sugar as well... just so calming. If I'm ever feeling anxious, a Coke will take the edge right off. I sometimes take caffeine pills, but I can only take them in the morning or they will mess with my sleep.

 

[icesong]

I suppose I don't need to tell you that "caffeine calming you down" is also textbook? and yeah I do the same with caffeine pills or gummies. (the gummies are nicer but ridiculously expensive for what they are).

 

[Evie]

I bought ginko and turmeric pills today (a bottle of each). And I'm trying to source some of the L-dopa one. I'm going to end up with a freaking regime of pills, but if they make a difference to my ability to function not just at work, but to be able to have a life outside it, I'll take them religiously.

 

[Evie]

The building is done, we're just waiting on the temporary steps (and by temporary, I expect at least a year) and then the floor needs polyurethaning and we need electricity in there. Thank goodness the neighbour is an electrician who bumped his ute into my car earlier in the year... We have leadlight lampshades from my parents' old house that will look perfect out there. And even with the floors hardened, we will put rugs out there which won't be a big cost as we have a couple that can move out there since the house is carpeted anyway. Adam is motivating himself to finish the floors by packing up his in-the-house study today, which is partly so I can take that room over as my haven while I have a long weekend.

Gaze has Covid, which in many ways was just a matter of time since he's a teacher, too. But he's fully vaxxed and still feeling pretty awful, so I'm a bit worried for him.

I spoke with Puck this morning, only briefly since he's really hung over and I seem to be having slight side effects from the first pills I took last night (just ginko and turmeric) coupled with a poor sleep. We'll try talking again in an hour or so.

This afternoon, Adam and I are going to visit one of my colleagues socially. I've never been very good at making work friends. Work is work and all that. But I don't really have a lot of other option around here, so this is a bit of an experiment.

I'm going to wear my new dress from last weekend's shopping spree (well, 2 dresses, 1 top) just so I can feel a little new myself.

 

[Vicki82]

Evie, I don't know if this would help at all but we take NAC supplements. My husband has ADHD and executive functioning issues and I have severe sleep disorders and take stimulants for that. We're finding a little bit of improvement with the NAC. https://www.amazon.ca/Now-Foods-NAC-600-Vcaps/dp/B000WSMRL0

I hate the good days and bad days yo-yo. I'm on the low end of the swing myself lately.

 

[Magdlyn]

It's funny, my parents were teachers and all of their best friends were teachers, either from their own schools or others in the area, or people they went to college with and ended up living near. They often used to go out for drinks on Fridays at the same local hangout, and had frequent parties with their teacher friends, or went to the beach, or camping, etc., etc. My mom was such a social butterfly though. She was always making plans to do stuff with people.

 

[Evie]

My mum was a teacher, but her social circle was not work related. It took me a long time to realise just how much of a people person she is. Covid lockdowns have really affected her as she realised when she was able to socialise again, she didn't want to. She also knew that she didn't want to become a recluse, so she gave herself a stern talking to and made a point of going out again. I'm far less social than her in general, which I'm starting to work to overcome. It's not that I am afraid of walking into a social space by myself (unless I'm having a really bad slump), it's actually that I forget. I see something interesting in the paper on Wednesday night for the weekend, and then, come the weekend, I have completely forgotten. I'm going to have to get better at using my phone alarm for these things lol.

 

[Evie]

Well Shit. Puck has been seriously exposed to Covid. Now, we wait.

 

[Evie]

In happier news:

Steps are temporary until I can afford a real deck. All that's left is to run power/install lighting, and to polyurethane the floor (Adam's job).