I eat fairly healthily, but sometimes I wonder if there are foods I shouldn't be eating. I don't have the willpower to do a broad elimination diet, I was intending to get sensitivity testing done first.
I have acquaintances with chronic fatigue and I really don't believe I have the same symptoms as them. I just don't seem to have the same amount of energy as most people.
Yesterday, I was sad. Not depressed, but just overwhelmingly sad about the trials of an LDR during a pandemic. I'm okay again now, but I didn't get anything productive done yesterday. I rested, though.
Today I have a bunch of work stuff to do since last week I felt too drained to do it after classes ended.
Honestly, I think I'm just experiencing burnout. So very many teachers don't make it past their 5th year and I'm starting my 4th. But I'm also trapped by a mortgage and travel desires and no other job prospects that would even come close to earning what I do now. I have to do at least 3 more years, but have a smidge more flexibility after that since my student loan will be paid off. Honestly, I'll probably do at least 5 more and significantly lower my mortgage debt. If I can maintain mortgage payments at the current rate, I'll be freehold in 10 years. So worst case scenario, I'm teaching here that long.
I don't know why, but I feel like I've turned a corner this past couple of days. Monday was hell - good thing that's when I had the blood tests, maybe something will show up. The last two days, it's been...chill. Work hasn't been as overwhelming. I'm still behind with admin, but I'm not berating myself, and I'm beginning to develop a catch up plan. I even got back on my bike this afternoon (although dear god did every single joint hurt when I got back from even the shortest, slowest ride).
I didn't fantasize about quitting my job today. And the sun came out properly for the first time in aaaages. It really helped.
I have some social plans for next week since Nova is feeling better enough that we can have a Wednesday evening catch up with wine and a charcuterie board. I've told Puck about her before and that I honestly wish I was bisexual enough to date her, but since I'm not, I'm contentedly excited to get a new local best friend.
And I'm really happy it's nearly April. I just want this year to pass in a blink so I can finally visit Puck on my next summer holidays, even though I'm going to be so ridiculously cold in his neck of the woods whenever we venture outside (OH in January!). Oh the day I book tickets will be one hell of a celebration.
I had to cancel my evening with Nova since I since discovered a clash. Adam and I have a Zoom scheduled with an insurance broker and it's already been pushed back too often. I just want to get it sorted.
Face to face with doc was fine, he's ordered some more blood tests but said there's no hurry, do them in about a month.
I am ready for Friday, hell, I'm ready for Easter and the two week break we have starting then. I've actually started running the majority of my classes like I did back in 2017 and it's so much more chill than trying to do all the edutainment we get taught to do in teachers' college. It probably won't work so well once our classes are full again, but with so many kids away with Covid right now, the classes are small.
In case you're wondering about why we still have so much Covid, as a country, the management plan was to delay the peak until we had as many people vaccinated as possible - and we have around 95% of 12 and over double vaxxed and 80% of total population. 51% of total population is boosted. Our cases are mostly Omicron with a little Delta. We quashed the original strain. But we had our peak in March and are rather hoping that May will see the end of this wave. School holidays will probably help since secondary schools are being quite heavily hit since teens aren't so flash at self preservation.
Things are chill on the relationship fronts. I don't have tickets yet, but should be able to book in about 3 months. And I'm looking forward to spending more time with Adam during my holidays (his work schedule currently has him working my weekends so we don't see each other too much - but we have that insurance stuff tonight, and something nice on Thursday - just don't know what yet.)
I went to try and get my 2nd booster today. I am eligible since I am over 50. But the drug store where I got my first booster did not have vaccines! I am kinda shocked. I didn't quite gather if they had some and ran out recently, or what. But they said "the government" wouldn't be able to send them any until mid-next week! Their phone message that I checked a few days ago said they were talking walk-ins, but now I will need to make an appointment when their next shipment comes in. However, I have an eye dr appt next week at my clinic in Boston (which is for all health issues) and they have a vax clinic, so hopefully they have some vaccines there.
I don't know if NZ is planning a second booster yet. I rather hope if they become an annual thing that they can weaken the dose a bit because my immune system has a frigging field day with each jab. Last one was a little rough on my poor heart, which just suggests to me that catching actual Covid would have been so much worse. Here's hoping I don't get it. I'd be so pissed off at Long Covid if it delayed me traveling. I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to go spend some quality time with Puck in person!
I was going to have an "all day" call with Puck on my Saturday. He even took his Friday afternoon off work to help facilitate that.
But this morning he told me some big news about a meta and how they are now waiting to hear when she can get booked in for serious medical tests. He is clearly going to have very little room in his head for anything but that until those tests (hopefully next week) and their results - and the results could be bad and change everything.
So I told him that we'd reschedule our call and he should go spend the extra time with her since his mind will be there anyway. We'll still talk for an hour or two when I first wake up, but it'll free up the rest of his day for her.
And yes, I'm sad, because the point of us spending a whole day call together was as a part of my birthday celebrations. But clearly that's far less important than a meta's health. I won't name the meta for now just in case some lurker has recognised our polycule; it's private, it's medical and it could be serious. But right now, it's the unknown, and no-one can work with the unknown in this context.
So, I'm free on my Saturday, most of y'all's Friday evening. Anyone want to keep me company on Zoom?
I have an ulcer on the tip of my tongue and it's totally fucking with my mood.
I went to the shops and spent my weekly money on something that was supposed to numb it, and some make-up, neither of which lived up to expectations.
I spent a couple of hours messaging with Puck rather than talking because my tongue hurts too much and I sound weird. But that was kinda cool in its own way. We both did household chores and shared progress pics. He's now spending time with the potentially unwell meta but will touch base again later today.
I have a wish list a mile long but insufficient funds to do anything about it. I spoke with Adam about that this morning and what I'm going to do about winter clothes. After we talked a little, he asked me which would feel better, buying new clothes or paying down debt. We're opposites like this... he'd buy the clothes (and would totally support me if I wanted to.) Basically, I'll try and make do by layering as long as possible so I can see a real difference in the bank account before I have new unplanned spending (I'm still planning on some serious spending when I get to the States.)
Mike may pop by some time next week because he's possibly being sent to work in my town for a few days. It will be great to see him.
I can't decide what to do this afternoon. Which hopefully means sooner or later I'll beat my procrastination and do it ALL
I've been running on fumes for days and within an hour of my last class I was beginning to feel unwell. I'm sure it's just a stress crash but I took a Covid home test just to check (I'm in the clear for now at least). But I just couldn't warm up when I got home. I layered up in clothes, cranked up the heat pump, put on a woolly hat and retreated to the couch in a sleeping bag. My feet were still feeling really cold for a couple of hours and I'm very tired.
Luckily, I hung out with Nova yesterday evening - she came to my place and we made dinner, talked about work and then tried to do tarot readings for each other, not that either of us practices tarot reading. I think I surprised her slightly with my familiarity with the cards. We used the Rider Waite Smith deck which while I do feel a real affinity for Pixie, I still love the more modern imagery in Stephanie Law's Shadowscapes deck.
I haven't been able to talk with Puck this evening as he's dealing with a work issue (in the middle of the night). Adam went out about 6:15 so I'm having a very quiet and early night so I can enjoy tomorrow.
My cat has just decided she needs big cuddles and I need face all over mine. I'm going to bed by 8pm, I'm knackered.
I take B12 drops most days. I wasn't cold through lack of suitable clothing, it was definitely just a way my body was dealing with the end of term stress dump. I warmed up in a couple of hours.
Then I noticed I was developing an earache LOL. This is my typical. I've been pushing through the term and now it's holidays I'll be susceptible to physical ailments. I was exactly the same as a kid. I'm probably in the wrong career haha.
This Easter has felt really odd. For some reason, this year more than others highlights the absolute disconnect I have to Christianity now. I grew up in the Church and Easter was of course a huge thing - I'd go away to Easter Camp and have an incredible time surrounded by hundreds of other young people all celebrating. Now, I have nothing to celebrate at Easter and it felt quite empty, pointless, just another weekend.
My next not-just-another-weekend is the 14-15th of May when there will be the large heritage festival for a small town about half an hour away. I'm volunteering and hopefully getting to enjoy some of the festivities. I'd rather like to enjoy one of the organisers (he's really attractive) but I'm not sure his relationship status so I'm loathe to ask. I'm hoping to notice at the festival if I need to navigate the "are you open" question along with the "I'm poly" thing.
I was asking Puck about Charli today and what the chances are of her wanting to be friends with me. Apparently, she's only poly adjacent right now and is still navigating metamours. She's met Iris at a shared recreational location, but that's about it. I'm rather surprised since I would have thought she'd have met Renee by now, but nope. So I'm guessing there's every chance that I won't get to meet her, at least on this first visit. I was actually hoping to socialise with most of the polycule to some extent, plus I think it would be nice to spend some time while I'm there doing casually social and independent things - it would help with the transition of returning home - as in not going from 24/7 glued at the hip to totally separated by land and sea. I think I'd like to do a shopping day without necessarily having him in tow. And honestly, just being somewhere so totally new by myself...fun! (I'd probably do all this in Columbus and walk/whatever public transport everywhere because I don't think I'd feel comfortable driving on the "wrong" side of the road on my first visit.)
But we still have to wait and see if this late December/early January is even going to be a go. I'm honestly not sure how I'll cope if it's not, if the meta medical situation I mentioned a few posts ago is going to take precedence. But no decisions can be made yet, so I'll try not to dwell on the negative possibilities.
Now to get some stuff done today.
Update: yeah, so stuff didn't get done. I have difficulty with time management.
My parents arrive tomorrow evening! I'm desperately hoping that during the day I find the oomph I've been lacking to make the house and section look immaculate, well, for a given value of immaculate. Do you Americans say section for the lawns and gardens? I pulled out some plants from a garden bed today that's riddled with dieback fungus. I bought a treatment for the remaining plants, but I have to apply it tomorrow.
I need to make a list. A nice, long list.
I'd like to have, "cook a special dinner" on that list - but then I become paralyzed with the choice of what to make lol.
Puck is ankle deep head first in organizing a special event - he's not alone, but it's short notice and all hands on deck, and he's first mate. I probably won't get to talk with him tomorrow.
Adam is on his 4/4 day of shift (he works 2x12 hour days followed by 2x12 hour nights) and he's tiiiiired this week. I had some hours of fatigue today, too, but I pulled through. I didn't get quite as much done as I wanted to, but I started a scholarship application (it's small) and did that garden stuff, some chores and some hanging out here.
Right, I'm going to put tomorrow's to do list here for a little accountability:
talk to Gaze
go to work and print my scholarship application, mail physical bit that needs signing by my former boss (this will be the hard one because it means I have to GO OUT and my former boss was LIVID at me for resigning)
spray garden with new treatment
mow lawns/do edges (joint task)
get in firewood
"do" the kitchen
choose and make a yummy dinner and dessert
do a flute practice because Mum has never heard me play
do a load of laundry (because why not and never ending)
The ridiculous part is that if I did this end to end it might take 4 hours tops, but if I stop for a breather at any point, I'll find it almost impossible to get started again.
I also want to learn to make a satay sauce. It's only 7pm now so you'd think I could do that tonight, but it's dark and my brain shuts down at sunset. I fucking hate that.
Anyone have any hot tips for being able to function after dark during winter?
No, we don't say "section" for yard and garden.
I have heard that some people with SAD benefit from sitting in front of a full spectrum light bulb for a certain length of time each day.
I hope you get most of your stuff done and have fun with the parents!
My parents have left this morning and I've promptly eaten a tube of Pringles and a litre tub of ice cream (with added chocolate sprinkles) as recovery. I'm starting to feel better.
I love them, they aren't bad parents, and they try to be very supportive of me. I just find it difficult to spend much time with them. And they want me to visit them more, which would massively add to my holiday stress both with expenses and time. But then they are, and my mother especially is, getting really quite old and I feel guilty about not having the mental and physical energy to deal with them.
On another topic, I was messaging with a guy from Fetlife. He's overseas and I have no interest in anything romantic or sexual, but he'd asked me for some help with a personal matter so I'd stepped into a service top role. Then he stopped messaging. As he wasn't a part of my daily life, I wasn't particularly concerned - that is until I sent a message using WhatsApp and lo and behold, just one grey tick. He wasn't even getting my messages. Now, first, he's in a Muslim country and just having a Fetlife profile could be punished, and in this day and age of Covid, that could also have been an issue. All in all, I was quite concerned.
He'd told me that another Fetlife person was a very good friend so I messaged her. Within a couple of hours I'd heard from him, so whew, he's alive. But he said he thinks his wife blocked me on his WhatsApp because she can access his phone, but he was perplexed since he had already told her about me. He said he's going to talk with her about what she's found so challenging since he was under the impression she was fine with him messaging me and others.
BUT, there's still the issue that he hadn't told me that she could access his phone on a whim and read enough that she opted to block me without telling him. I feel quite violated about that, plus of course I was genuinely worried about him. I hadn't sent him anything particularly personal about me, but I'm still miffed in learning that our conversations were effectively never private since he knew the entire time that his wife might check his phone.
Whilst Adam and I know how to access each other's phones, the only reason we would is in a genuine emergency. And NOT to read message history.
It's been sort of useful that Puck has had days of festival management while I've been dealing with parents, but we got to talk for about 20 mins and it made me appreciate our mundane lives and our regular routine.
Today, I'm still in recovery mode. Tomorrow, I have a bunch of other stuff to deal with. Right now...a nap sounds good. I hope I can sleep.
For my own sanity, I've stopped imagining that I'll get to visit Puck in Dec/Jan. There are too many unknowns at this stage and he's only enthusiastic about half the time I mention it. So I'm going to stop talking and thinking about it and plan some home improvements instead so I at least have something to look forward to.
I'm a little sad about this so I'm making a to do list for the rest of this week to help me focus.
Aaaand I've just realised that I don't think we can keep this week's usual date because it will clash with things happening on his end that we overlooked earlier. I've let him know I remembered so hopefully we can make a different plan when we have our end of day call later.
I've always said I can out stubborn the pandemic. Now, I'm not sure I can.
Last night, I took it a step further and sent him an email that was part one of breaking our current relationship model. This morning, my time, we talked, and cried, and agreed to a very different, significantly de-escalated model.
The deepest irony is that in that conversation we were more connected than we had been in months.
But this isn't a faux break up that results in everything going back to normal in a week or so. Normal really wasn't working, so something has to change, and for me to feel secure in that change, it had to be significant.
It's significant enough that both of us are now grieving, but we also have a plan to salvage what we hold most dear, which is simply still being a part of each other's lives.