In the garden

[Evie]

I had my Saturday morning call with Puck and we've honed a bit more what we are to each other. We're going with "partners" but sans sexuality at this stage/distance, sans dynamic, and with no real plans, just sharing life. So, more than friends, but less that the things that were making it too hard for me to continue. This way, I don't have to keep waiting for too much. Sure, there's still the possibility of travel at some undefined time in the future, but it no longer has the same sense of waiting attached to it because it is also coexisting in the "may never happen" basket if the world keeps going to hell in a handcart. I'm also not waiting for him to become whatever he will be on the other side of this time of depression and all the flow on effects from that.

Sometimes I wish I would have known him "when" - but maybe I wouldn't have be able to click with him in the same way if we were any earlier than we did meet. It's still unfair that I met him just before the pandemic. And that during the pandemic I started perimenopause, the consequences of which I am still wrapping my head around as well as adjusting to, physically.

I don't know how sustainable this is. Perhaps more than before (I hope so), but like any relationship of any form there's the risk that we'll eventually just drift into the periphery of each other's lives. Like Lance. Like my "best" girl friend is right now, especially while she's raising (step) kids and we're in different parts of the country. As an aside, I rather hope that when they are empty nesters her and I will have more time and money to hang out again - maybe we will go to retreats together or something, I dunno, but I would like her back one day She's the closest person I have to an actual sister. With Puck, however small, there's currently still the hope of travel. If that actually vanishes completely then I think we'll drift like Lance and I did.

At home, with Adam, things are peaceful. Next month we are getting a house mate for a while - a friend (not close) who needs a hand moving to the North Island. So we're providing a landing pad until he can build up a little savings. Maybe 6 months? We'll see. I'm pretty confident that if I need to get away because I'm being driven batty, I can spend a night at Nova's. She has a lovely spare room set up and we've already talked about doing winter movie nights with gin or wine (because that's what sustains teachers).

I'm working on some positive self-talk. I am creative, I create lessons (we don't have a prescribed curriculum here like I believe some places do). I am a sexual being (albeit with myself). I am good enough at managing this household that I can pay for what I don't want to do (gardening, weekly housework) and in doing so I am a responsible employer because I don't randomly cancel on our helper. I am a loving person (and I have high standards).

It's a work in progress. Everything is.

 

[Evie]

I'm watching a movie based in Australia with some youngish cast members. It's close enough to my culture that I miss my 20s. And I miss Tech, both from then and now. It's been about 18 months since he passed. I'm still sad that there will be no new memories.

I got ID'd at the supermarket buying wine this evening. Ridiculous. If I was actually that young, I'd be getting more sex.

I also got brave enough to proposition an acquaintance by PM. I specifically referenced non-monogamy. He was both prompt and extremely mature and kind in his rejection so I thanked him for his courtesy and said I look forward to the future events where we are likely to cross paths. Gosh I like real adults.

 

[Evie]

I had my first proper counseling session today (video based). It wasn't bad. It was rather nice talking candidly to someone who isn't allowed to talk with anyone else (since I'm in no danger). He's got a slightly hippyish background that he shared which means that I was comfortable talking about slightly offbeat things.

Tomorrow, I'm off to the nutritionist, to see if I can use diet adjustments to deal with this exhaustion and inflammation - which hasn't actually been too bad recently, except this morning and now (it's all of 8:22pm and I'm off to bed very soon) and I'm wondering if it's because I'm in phase two of my HRT, with the progesterone pills as well as the oestrogen patches. I'd honestly been feeling so much better after coming off the pill that I'm now wondering if there's a progesterone link to both fatigue and inflammation (I was on a combined pill beforehand and I guess this could have been a cause of never having a lot of energy.)

So, while that's where my health journey is at (and I'm tracking stuff with a spreadsheet to be armed with data next time I see the doc) and as for actual poly stuff, well, that's just all pretty smooth sailing right now.

Puck and I are relaxed and since my afternoons have filled up we're not talking quite so often. Last weekend our long call time didn't pan out because if stuff of his end, and he was totally unable to reschedule, but I'm rather blasé about that now. We'll talk when we can, enjoy it when we do, and I'm getting on with my life without feeling like I'm waiting for him to become available for a conversation. That sounds almost like I care less, but I don't, I'm just not so beholden to being at my computer at usual time. It helps alleviate the perpetual sense of waiting, too (since that whole crappy executive function I-can't-do-anything-else-while-I'm-waiting battle is now not so prominent).

And Adam's good, he's been amazingly supportive through all of this - health stuff, Puck stuff, he's just been a total rock in my storm.

And I've got a Sunday roast and winter movie friend date with Nova on Sunday night, and wine, because it's a long weekend, whoot!

(Also, I've been drinking a lot less since I'm busy with other stuff most nights now, like tonight I had practice with my students for the sports team I've just take over managing. And last night was the local choir. Do I actually have the energy for this stuff? I dunno, but at least I'm living a bit more, even if I'm running myself into the ground.)

 

[Evie]

I didn't make it to the nutritionist because I got really sick this morning - some kind of reaction to something, probably won't ever know what. I had to come straight home from work, then I slept and had an epic and increasingly unpleasant dream. Luckily, Adam was on a rostered day off, so he could get me from work and get me to bed. It's now evening and I'm lot better than I was, hoping to sleep off the last of it tonight.

And Puck is really sick and waiting on PCR test results.

 

[Evie]

No Covid for Puck. But he's still been very sick. He thinks he knows what's happening, but his doc is ordering further tests.

Adam came home sick from work today (first time ever he's had to do that during a shift). And I've had significant enough heart palpitations this morning that I'm feeling wiped out.

I had a short call with Puck but neither of us were feeling very good, and to top it off, Renee interrupted him to have a conversation about mowing the lawn. When I gently pointed out that that is becoming more and more common during our weekly calls, he replied that this wasn't our usual time (it was a few hours later). He backed off from that lame defense pretty damn quickly, but I'm annoyed now. Sure, we aren't having the same type of quality time we used to have before we adjusted the parameters of our relationship, but on any type of scheduled call (as opposed to a spontaneous one usually after work my time) he should manage the expectations at his end better. I'm really trying to let the annoyance go, I'm pretty sure he knew he fucked up since he almost immediately said he'd redress the situation. But we both signed off the call as lacking energy. We'll try again in a while.

I want to enjoy today, but I have difficulty enjoying grey days that have no good plans. I certainly need a recovery day after this week, but something's off with today. Or a lot of things are, honestly. The unplanned power cut this morning started a bit of a landslide of crap. I need to make something. Or many things. Bake, sew, "Cottagecore" stuff. If I can deal with the compressing of pictures in order to post them here, I'll show you whatever my outcomes are.

 

[Evie]

So, this happened.

And my cat is snoring, audibly.

In case you are a baker, this is the NZ Edmond's Cookbook recipe for Afghan biscuits (cookies).

200 grams softened butter.
1/2 cup / 100 grams of white sugar (not castor).

Cream these well (till light and fluffy).

Add:
1 and 1/4 cup of plain flour.
1/4 cup of cocoa.

Mix in well.

Add:
Up to 2 cups of cornflakes. Not all might mix in.

Scrunch these in. Roll into balls of whatever size to make small or large cookies. Flatten, anticipating just a little spread (almost none, don't make too fat).

Bake at 180°C (do your own conversion) for 15 mins max, or until set (i.e. they will continue to harden upon cooling, Do Not keep baking until they are hard as cooled cookies or you will regret it.)

Cool.

Ice with chocolate icing of your choice and top with a walnut half or walnut pieces. Pecans also good, but not traditional.

 

[Evie]

Adam and I have various degrees of tummy bug. His meant he had a couple of days off work, mine is just ruining my long weekend. It's Monday, a holiday, and that means I'll spend quite a lot of time planning lessons. maybe even for the next couple of weeks. My two older classes are actually quite easy. My three younger ones, aren't. Even though two of them are the same year group, I can't just repeat the lessons since one class have a vast array of supported learning needs - these are the dys-everything kids. But then, there's also massive differences in their academic ability, I have kids ranging from curriculum level 2 to 6 on a scale of 1 to 8 (they "should" be 4-5). I'll also have to spend a little time in the classroom today doing the (ridiculously time consuming) stuff like laminating. So much laminating.

One thing that is rather special about the NZ Curriculum is it's focus on statistics with elements of data science. By the time my youngest class are doing their national qualifications, statistics will be a full half of the course.

Since today is a day off, I can also talk with Puck a bit more than a Monday would usually allow.

 

[Evie]

Some days I want to quit my job on the spot. Unfortunately, I haven't won lotto and even if I did, I have contractual obligations.

But 13-14 year old boys are my nemeses.

I did get to the nutritionist today. My homework this weekend is to list to her just how badly I eat and drink (water, what's that?)

Mostly, I know what I should be doing, I just don't. I'm too stressed to do it.

Tomorrow, I'm also out in the afternoon. And my Friday, Puck is out. Not being able to talk with him is a double edged sword. I wanted quality over quantity, but often there's little chance for quality, too.

Adam and I are going to the movies twice in a fortnight this weekend!!!!

 

[Magdlyn]

I didn't realize you were doing hormone replacement therapy. Is that standard in NZ? I was never offered that just off the cuff. I think US docs are wary of it and most just recommend it when there are very debilitating symptoms. It's odd that you felt better coming off hormones previously (bc pills) and now you feel odd again. Definitely something to talk over with your doc, and do your own research on, as well.

 

[Evie]

Well, it was pretty clear I had to come off the pill, but I was on that to manage endo. So the HRT was partly to do that, and partly because I was having a pretty miserable time of it with regards to sleep (or lack thereof), pain, mood and executive function. I don't know how common it is to go onto HRT straight away, but as for me, I'm tracking pain and sleep daily on a spreadsheet so I have enough data for when I go back to my doc for review. General and joint pain is still an issue, but more at night than in the mornings now, and I'm not waking up with night sweats anymore.

I finally got to see the nutritionist, after having to cancel the first appointment. Also in the data gathering phase of that.

Puck just had chronic lyme confirmed.

Adam is out of town until late Friday night.

And I'm on antibiotics, because when it rains, it pours.

 

[Magdlyn]

Well, it was pretty clear I had to come off the pill, but I was on that to manage endo. So the HRT was partly to do that, and partly because I was having a pretty miserable time of it with regards to sleep (or lack thereof), pain, mood and executive function. I don't know how common it is to go onto HRT straight away, but as for me, I'm tracking pain and sleep daily on a spreadsheet so I have enough data for when I go back to my doc for review.

I'm glad you're tracking. A hassle, but it's worth getting the data!

General and joint pain is still an issue, but more at night than in the mornings now, and I'm not waking up with night sweats anymore.

I'm fascinated by women's health care. You know I worked as a lactation specialist for 25+ years. I know much less about peri- and menopause though.

So the joint pain is something new? I got joint pain in my early 40s too. It started with heel pain. If I sat for a while and had to get up suddenly, oh my god, the pain. It got better as I walked on it. I could take long walks fine. I guess it was bursitis or plantar fasciitis. I didn't do PT at the time, although now I am a convert to PT. However, I did finally figure out if I limited nightshade plants, I felt ever so much better. I still can't eat any kind of pepper at all, but I can eat a limited amount of tomatoes and potatoes. That might be something to talk about with your nutritionist, if they are open-minded enough.

I still have joint pain to a degree, but of course, I'm old! Chiropractic, xrays, PT... I've had it all. I've got arthritis and bursitis. I get nervous hearing about HRT, since I have a blood disorder that caused me to get those blood clots when I was on the pill in my early 40s. But that's just me. I know endo is extremely rough to deal with. I also didn't have night sweats, although my mom and sister did.

I finally got to see the nutritionist, after having to cancel the first appointment. Also in the data gathering phase of that.

Puck just had chronic lyme confirmed.

Ah shit!

Adam is out of town until late Friday night.

And I'm on antibiotics, because when it rains, it pours.

hugs!

 

[Evie]

Yeah, my joint pain started within the last year. I was honestly lucky with the endo, I didn't know I had it until after the surgery - they went in for my appendix and discovered it wasn't grumbling, it was affected by endo, so they did a full scrape while I was already under. I could get it done again I suppose, but there's a good six months healing period from it and that's not fun.

Puck is back on antibiotics for 6 weeks, I've got a week of mine to go.

I'm almost, sort of keeping on top of work. Three weeks to go and two of them will be 4 days, including this one thanks to a new public holiday on Friday. Small mercies.

 

[Evie]

Yesterday, I cried on Puck. We've been ships in the night and I've been absolutely worn out by work when we have managed to talk. I have a long weekend coming up (Friday off), but he's away for all of it. When he gets back, I have an extra long work day due to a late meeting. He says he'll stay up to see me afterwards, but I know I'm just going to be stressed out because Mondays suck - I've made a silly evening committment as a failed attempt to get a life, and it's killing me. It will be over an done in August, thank god.

This morning, he didn't remember I wasn't available after work today or that he said he'd stay up on his Sunday night until I had done with my work meeting on my Monday afternoon. He's so in demand at the campground that, combined with health things, he just can't remember details from one day to the next.

 

[Magdlyn]

It seems like you tried to pull back from Puck, but haven't kept your resolve, and it's still causing you more pain. You know he's stretched too thin...

You can get a (local) life! I believe in you!

 

[Evie]

We're both stretched too thin, but mine is pretty much all because of my job. But I need this salary and where I live there aren't other options. After my student loan is paid off, I will have a little more flexibility. Until then, I will simply persevere.

This year is ticking along and although we have the depths of winter to go, the days are getting longer again.

I'm going out on Sunday, a friendly catch up more than a date, but I wouldn't be adverse to a little chemistry. I already feel guilty for that, spending money, petrol, time that I would usually be trying to work while feeling totally drained... So I'll work when I can today and tomorrow, mostly making visual resources and attempt to again learn to write a type of interactive, if I still have access.

Adam and I get to spend today together It's a Friday and he's on and ordinary rostered off day and I'm on a public holiday!

update: turns out Adam is leaving at 3 pm for a thing I knew about but didn't realise was that early in the day. But at least we got to share a good breakfast, and then rearrange the spare room from a bedroom that never gets used into a drawing room. I'm in the process of procuring a cheap dining room table to replace the couch that was in the lounge (just waiting for a message back from FB Marketplace). I also bought some more clearance plants to pop in and get a decent ground cover going. Today's going to be okay.

 

[Evie]

My not-a-date wasn't quite as engaging as I hoped. On the up side, I then went to see Mike and everything got much, much better for a while. We haven't really been in touch much lately but since we developed our friendship so thoroughly years ago, we literally just picked up where we left off, although honestly, better than any other previous time we've got to have some time alone. God it was so good just being able to...be.

 

[Evie]

I gave up that commitment that was killing me and honestly, I feel much better for it. Sure, it was 2 hours a week, but at a terrible time and I was bordering on a panic attack on Monday trying to get there. So I didn't go and emailed that I wouldn't go again. I do feel a little bad for it, but I was feeling worse trying to build it into my week.

So, that's a step back on the local life, but hey, at least I went out on Sunday. Winter is hard and I don't like being cold. I come home and light the fire, but as all international visitors always say about NZ, they've never been colder because most of our houses are at best retrofitted with insulation and not very good stuff at that. I need to eat hot food to warm up my feet, at least tonight I have the energy to do so in a min.

It's already the end of June. I remember when it was the end of January and I wished I could blink and it was December already. I think I'm going to end up feeling like that's actually what happened. But winter is my least favourite time of year and it's been a slog lately.

Adam and I were, at one time, expecting to get a flatmate (roommate) this week, but the guy chose to not move from his comfort zone in the South Island. So we still have the house to ourselves, and we rearranged that room to remove the bed and turn it into a drawing room instead. Except that it's too cold to be in there right now lol.

So, with the local life fail, I'm starting to think it's time to look inwards a bit more. Focus on my wairua (why-roo-ah; roll the r once). I have had chats with Adam lately about how I'm feeling disengaged with spirituality since I'm so focused on work. Maybe it's time to redress that.

 

[starlight1]

I gave up that commitment that was killing me and honestly, I feel much better for it. Sure, it was 2 hours a week, but at a terrible time and I was bordering on a panic attack on Monday trying to get there. So I didn't go and emailed that I wouldn't go again. I do feel a little bad for it, but I was feeling worse trying to build it into my week.

So, that's a step back on the local life, but hey, at least I went out on Sunday. Winter is hard and I don't like being cold. I come home and light the fire, but as all international visitors always say about NZ, they've never been colder because most of our houses are at best retrofitted with insulation and not very good stuff at that. I need to eat hot food to warm up my feet, at least tonight I have the energy to do so in a min.

It's already the end of June. I remember when it was the end of January and I wished I could blink and it was December already. I think I'm going to end up feeling like that's actually what happened. But winter is my least favourite time of year and it's been a slog lately.

Adam and I were, at one time, expecting to get a flatmate (roommate) this week, but the guy chose to not move from his comfort zone in the South Island. So we still have the house to ourselves, and we rearranged that room to remove the bed and turn it into a drawing room instead. Except that it's too cold to be in there right now lol.

So, with the local life fail, I'm starting to think it's time to look inwards a bit more. Focus on my wairua (why-roo-ah; roll the r once). I have had chats with Adam lately about how I'm feeling disengaged with spirituality since I'm so focused on work. Maybe it's time to redress that.

I hope that you're able to find balance again Evie. And stay nice and warm!

 

[Evie]

I have a new penpal. He waltzed into my alternative site inbox a wee while ago and for some reason I wrote back. No, I have no interest in yet another long distance relationship, before or after reading the below.

The other day he sent me this:

The lady I met, I don't get to see her much. She's married as well. Seems I know far more married women these days who choose to date outside their marriage. I don't know if that's because I'm drawn to the "type" or if there actually are more of you. Possibly an economic indicator? A safety thing in these unsafe times? Anyhow, the time I have with her is rewarding, but it's far from a partnership right now. I don't know if it will ever be. I've decided to give it the rest of this year without overthinking. I'll reassess at that time. I don't want to turn 50 and still be waiting for a woman to leave her husband.

Oh. Dear.

I'm still working my way up to replying... anyone feel like adding their two cents? I guess I shouldn't be so surprised at this way of thinking, but wow, um, just...<audible exhalation>

I know anything I write here for blog readers would be preaching to the choir. I just actually need to vent a little before I try to reply.

An economic indicator? Fucking seriously? I earn 1.5 times what Adam does, and I don't share finances with Puck. No, I'm not poly for the financial security. It's actually to my financial detriment to have two relationships, possibly even one.

And as for "a safety thing "? I've never thought of marriage as safety in unsafe times. I am a grown adult who is more than capable of keeping myself safe (and courtesy of sensible gun laws and being an island nation state that's hard to invade). I don't need rescuing or protecting at this stage of my life - and if I did, from whom? Oh, right, that would be "not all men" just one or two of them. Which ones? Quite possibly my penpal (whom I have no intention of ever meeting because of red flags like this.)

"Turn 50 and still be waiting for a woman to leave her husband"? Yikes. No, that's not strong enough. YIKES! When yikes is spelt J...F...C. Dude, just don't with the polyamorous women. Just DON'T. We aren't in it for the soft exit.

So, do I make a meagre attempt to educate? Of course I will, I'm hard wired like that. But ooooh boy. And then, somewhere down the track he'll find his soft exit lady and everything I bother to reply will be dust in an instant.

Until she leaves him for the next guy. Because serial monogamy is a bitch like that.

 

[Magdlyn]

I agree, he's a basic bitch-ass jerk.

But there are more "married women" dating outside their marriages, or older women in general who may be divorced or widowed and not interested in marrying again. They are remaining single and serial dating, or "playing the field," or are actually polyamorous, or they just don't date men and prefer to hang out with their platonic gfs or family, or even with men they just want as friends or fuckbuddies.

You know why, basic bitch-ass guy? Because FEMINISM. Women have some extremely hard-earned rights now. Like you, Evie. You earn your way, you can "protect yourself," you don't have kids to raise. 75 years ago you'd be expected to marry right out of high school, or if you had wealthy parents, to go to college to find a man with higher earning potential. Then you'd be expected to breed right away, have a passel of kids, and spend your time raising them, feeding them, sewing their clothes, just doing all that mom stuff, and of course, dressing nicely, doing your hair and makeup, wearing a girdle and stockings, going to church and the kids' school activities, and meanwhile "serve" your man by feeding him, clothing him, making his appointments, keeping the house clean and nicely decorated, and of course, doing your marital bedtime duties regularly. That was your life. There was no choice. If you chose otherwise, you were ostracized from society.

Think it though, basic bitch-ass jerkface.

Nowadays, older women who may live in retirement communities, who are single? All the guys want to marry them, because they want a hot meal, clean clothes and a someone to warm their bed at night. Guess what? Not a great offer for women, who are turning them down in favor of cocktails and adventures with their girlfriends while they still have some active senior years left. lolol