In the garden

[Magdlyn]

I agree, he's a basic bitch-ass jerk.

But there are more "married women" dating outside their marriages, or older women in general who may be divorced or widowed and not interested in marrying again. They are remaining single and serial dating, or "playing the field," or are actually polyamorous, or they just don't date men and prefer to hang out with their platonic gfs or family, or even with men they just want as friends or fuckbuddies.

You know why, basic bitch-ass guy? Because FEMINISM. Women have some extremely hard-earned rights now. Like you, Evie. You earn your way, you can "protect yourself," you don't have kids to raise. 75 years ago you'd be expected to marry right out of high school, or if you had wealthy parents, to go to college to find a man with higher earning potential. Then you'd be expected to breed right away, have a passel of kids, and spend your time raising them, feeding them, sewing their clothes, just doing all that mom stuff, and of course, dressing nicely, doing your hair and makeup, wearing a girdle and stockings, going to church and the kids' school activities, and meanwhile "serve" your man by feeding him, clothing him, making his appointments, keeping the house clean and nicely decorated, and of course, doing your marital bedtime duties regularly. That was your life. There was no choice. If you chose otherwise, you were ostracized from society.

Think it though, basic bitch-ass jerkface.

Nowadays, older women who may live in retirement communities, who are single? All the guys want to marry them, because they want a hot meal, clean clothes and a someone to warm their bed at night. Guess what? Not a great offer for women, who are turning them down in favor of cocktails and adventures with their girlfriends while they still have some active senior years left. lolol

 

[Inaniel]

I agree, he's a basic bitch-ass jerk.

I think it's immature to reduce the issue further with name calling. Honestly. wow. And you insult a man by calling him a derogatory term that is slanderous to women? And then go on about feminism? I'm so confused because the term "bitch-ass" is a slander men call each other when one of the "bros" is acting "weak, cowardly, or unmanly". So you are saying this man's behavior is that of a woman's, and because it's being used as slander your saying that his womanly behavior is a bad thing... Anyway.. That is my interpretation...

I think it is easy for those of us who exist in this poly echo chamber to forget how the vast majority of the world views relationships... I see influences of traditional conservatism and monogamy in this individuals message to you. When I bump up against ideological differences like that in someone I very much question my motivation to further engage, what you have to say to someone like that is not so much education as it is a debate. With that said, I am sure you will find the right thing to say, and wont mince words.

 

[Evie]

So, my feminism doesn't look like Mags' feminism - and that's partly because I'm not having to fight the same battles that America is right now, and partly because I've had the luxury of coming of age in a time and place where I didn't have to fight for very much at all.

So my indignation at my penpal's approach to dating is directed solely at his predominantly mononormative views and not at his character overall. I don't know him that well, but he's not basic (we wouldn't be half a dozen emails in if he was), certainly not a bitch-ass, and I don't think he's a jerk, at least not yet. We'll see how well he...debates...the issue. He too is a product of his age and location - and although he's only 5 years older than me, his location -and career- are a world removed from mine. He's clearly open minded enough to date married women, but if he doesn't want to be turning 50 waiting for one to leave their husband, then he'd be better off dating other unmarried/divorced women, NOT hoping to be the guy that she leaves her husband for. But currently, he's encountering married & poly women without a real understanding of the philosophy behind polyamory. I'll make an attempt to disabuse him of the notion that dating while married is for the security of having a husband (since he did technically phrase those musing as questions).

Perhaps he'll discover naturally that he can form a partnership with someone who has another partner. Perhaps he won't ever feel like a partner if he's the leg of a V. I'm sure he wouldn't cohabit in a V, I get the distinct impression he's very much a king of his own castle type person.

As for my correspondence with him, I don't know how long it will last. He really has a life so vastly different to mine that I am not sure we'll find much more to discuss.

 

[Evie]

I'M ON TWO WEEKS HOLIDAY!!

Yes, I'm that excited about it I want to shout it from the rooftops. I still have a lot of marking and planning to do, but oh my goodness I'm ready for the break from students. I ran out of wellbeing some time ago. Although I have to admit, the HRT has made I positive difference, I think I'd be a lot worse without it.

I am about to do a quick grocery run then talk with Puck. Adam is out until about 1am after a one day trip to Wellington and I've told him he can sleep on the couch

Tomorrow, we have guests all day and I'm a bit stressed about that, but Sunday I'll have a truly quiet day.

 

[Bariah]

I already feel guilty for that, spending money, petrol, time that I would usually be trying to work while feeling totally drained...

...

Focus on my wairua

...
It's the guilt that will drain us in the first place, and take us away from being connected and sharing. I've noticed that you have spells where the disconnected and draining events cause a furth r lack of connection to your loves in part due to circumstance. I've found that my response to continue deepening my engagement to my own life in the sense you've expressed guilt over is monumental to sustaining myself and my soul -- apart from that type of temporary conflict. Hopefully you wont let guilt discourage you from your firmness.

 

[Bariah]

Nowadays, older women who may live in retirement communities, who are single? All the guys want to marry them, because they want a hot meal, clean clothes and a someone to warm their bed at night. Guess what? Not a great offer for women, who are turning them down in favor of cocktails and adventures with their girlfriends while they still have some active senior years left. lolol

This is the reason I distain a lot of mono normative relationships. There a lot of hidden arrogance where the burdens and expectations of work involved in maintaining the relationship and household fall on disgracefully on the woman as a default mode of interrelating. Evie's encounter highlights the superficial aspects that account of how that arrogance codes itself deeper into the consious will and desires of how people choose to gender and sex roles and responsibilities, and there's absolutely no condition where understanding can be shared without spending tremendous amounts of energy hashing out the common terms for understanding. I suppose we all find ourselves under that umbrella to a degree.

He's clearly open minded enough to date married women, but if he doesn't want to be turning 50 waiting for one to leave their husband, then he'd be better off dating other unmarried/divorced women, NOT hoping to be the guy that she leaves her husband for. But currently, he's encountering married & poly women without a real understanding of the philosophy behind polyamory.

Evie highlights where the conversation takes its real turn, and it's a tricky one to make cooperate. It involves him latching on to a deeper and more connected understanding of himself in the dynamics of relating in the poly arena, particularly one which is in opposition to self-centered and immature aspects of the normative roles and territorialistic notions of sex, romance, and sharing, all of which he seems to be at odds with in what's been indicated by his inexperienced (and potentially sympathetically nervous) comments. It will be interesting to see if your corrections will nurture the relationship. Best of luck

 

[Evie]

Yesterday, I started looking at flights. There's a problem with potential travel dates, as in most are too pricey now when I check online. Some days still have tickets a little under $2000 (each way) but those aren't necessarily suitable days. Tomorrow, I'll try the agent to see if I can get any more variety, but even then, the cheapest flights are significantly more than last time.

And although I have Adam's utmost support, I have so much guilt around this spending since he also needs hearing aids and I've had to put that off already. Adam says that travel is the priority but I can't reconcile that in my heart. The hearing aids really should be, and soon.

This timing is simply devastating.

 

[Evie]

Aaaaand I have tickets. (And a mild panic attack).

And Adam has his quote for hearing aids.

Update: panic has quelled enough that I've even paid to choose my seat for the really long haul flights, for a little extra cost. But at my height, it's worth it. I still have to apply for my visa waiver, but my travel agent said to delay that a bit.

 

[Evie]

Because of the financial situation (both personal and weak NZ dollar) and because Puck and I didn't really get to talk while I was booking - not properly - this trip is shorter than I wanted. We'd been talking about a 2 week trip wherein I'd also have time to just go exploring a city (probably Columbus) by myself. But when I mentioned dates that covered 15 days he said it was longer than the 10 days he had talked about with Renée. And although he also said he'd make it work, my RSD kicked into high gear and I shortened the trip.

We'd been talking about 2 weeks with days where I'd have time alone to explore the city by myself, but because the booking was rushed, we weren't able to revisit that conversation. Also, given the ticket prices, I don't have the wherewithal to actually do tourist stuff. So a shorter trip it is.

I'm not feeling excited about it like I did last time. I'm sure that will change, but right now, I'm angry about these circumstances. I can only hope that my financial situation will improve in the next few years and I'll have trips that make up for this one.

 

[Evie]

I'm moving through various stages and I'm no longer angry. I'm sad though. And it's a terrible week for all this because Puck is at a festival and we won't get to talk until it's over.

So I'm slowly pulling myself through the mire of emotions and I'm developing a tiny spark of excitement, when the sadness isn't overwhelming. I have a few things to do today. And more this weekend. I haven't slept properly for days, though, so I'm working on that, too.

It's the depths of winter here so throw in being cold and some S.A.D. and also some financial uncertainty because payroll made a huge mistake.

So, I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Slowly. Knowing that I get to spend New Year with Puck.

 

[Evie]

So, on a work note, I contacted my union the other day about a bit of a fuck up that wasn't mine. I rang my "local" office number but because it is the winter holidays I got forwarded to the "officer on duty" and I've just checked my email and realised this the guy I spoke with is basically a union celebrity - I have seen his name time and time again on the union page. I'm starstruck lol.

 

[Evie]

Today is a new struggle.

Puck is in the middle of his festival and I'm missing him a lot.

Adam and I have a house guest this weekend and I don't want to deal with that. I have to be social pretty soon and I'm feeling anything but.

I saw the nutritionist again yesterday, she's told me which of the supplements I already own to focus on taking. I actually remembered this morning, eventually.

I know I'm not okay right now. I'm doing what I can to keep pushing through but I'm not winning yet. Adam is being amazing. Really supportive.

 

[Evie]

It's Saturday and I slept better last night, I have a lot more spoons today and I have done some gardening and some throwing out of stuff that was just taking up space in the laundry. Adam is on dinner and I'm looking forward to the roast he's planning. Visitor is chill with my moods. Puck texted me. I spoke with my parents and told my mum about my tickets. I cleaned the ashes out of the fireplace and lit a new fire. I'm watching that Netflix show. Today I am doing okay.

 

[Evie]

Today is Wednesday and I've had a brief chat with Puck, some good chats with Adam, and I've even done a little work. I intend to do enough tonight that tomorrow is less painful. I intend to do enough tomorrow that the next 10 weeks are less painful...

Puck and Iris are at loggerheads again. God I'm sick of their shit. I'm actually wondering if it will stick this time though (the breakup). Puck seems happier with Renee than in my memory. And when I reminded him that he said something rather inaccurate about me he admitted that he had his head up his ass when he said it. I'll take that. He seems to be really undergoing a period of change and I'm honestly not entirely sure I'll be part of his life on the other side. He seems less...needy...of the status quo. More accepting that his life is overfull. I'm not sure what will be left on the other side. I've already preempted that I might be the one really getting off this ride (and yet we pined so hard for each other we did reunite and now I have tickets...) but is this really sustainable? If he implodes with Iris will he let me fall away too, recognising that he's not as great at poly these days as he once was? I don't know. What I do know is that he doesn't read here, actively giving me a space I don't censor in ways I censor what he might read. In saying that, I've made my latest journal entry over there --> (iykyk) friends only so he can't read it. I told him I wasn't well last week. He didn't delve into that statement, he didn't even ask if I meant Covid so he probably assumed I meant mental health. I've already called him out on not talking with Renee sufficiently about my visit. He's already talking about a return visit, bugger the cost (bugger means something different in NZ/UK). I hope that in a month or two he'll have the energy to talk about that practically, not just ephemerally.

I was hoping to see Ayin this holidays but it hasn't happened. I truly believe that's for the best. I'm passing through his town next holidays on the way to a work conference so hopefully I can take advantage of him that then. Yes, yes, I know. But we're comets anyway and still have a line to cross, and I really hope we eventually cross it.

I've been missing Tech this last couple of days. I'm not sure why he's so present, it's not like it's his birthday anytime soon. But I've been catching glimpses of people that vaguely resemble him. I'm still mad at him for dying without telling me. He had time to tell me and he clearly chose not to. I don't even know if it was a selfish or altruistic motive. Probably both at different times of the process.

Looks like I'm on a roll call.

I'm sort of back in touch with Mike. I send a goodnight text over half the week and occasionally we have a wee chat. He's the last person that was actually in me around a month ago maybe, so there's that. That was actually pretty damn awesome for reasons I won't disclose here. I just sent him a selfie with the caption, "yeah, yeah, but I just needed to be seen/pretty for a moment" in complete confidence that he'll be a friend and simply get it. His mental health is just as much in the toilet as mine at the moment, and he asks for less than I do, but these small hellos work for us.

Lance is out of his country for a minute visiting his parents. He's promised me a call when he gets back. I'm not holding my breath.

Gaze is having gf issues and I'm lending what ear I have.

It's my turn to message Enigma and I've been procrastinating. I might go do that now.

I hung out with Nova last night and I'm dog sitting tonight. So I'll drop him off tomorrow, and then she's coming for dinner on Sunday. I sort of wish it was a romantic connection, but it's not.

Ugh, I better get back to marking the equivalent of middle school work, while I can still see straight enough.

Edit: ehh, fuckit. Tiktok is more interesting than grading (marking) assignments.

 

[Evie]

It's Saturday morning and Puck has had to delay our call. So I'll write a little, then go light the fire and get enough wood in for the whole day - the forecast says it's going to be a cold one. Adam is at work and Nova is coming over later for drinks and dinner and to dye my hair - I hope I've chosen a good colour. Yesterday, deadline brain kicked in so I finally started working, which means my anxiety is well up as I realised just how much I had to do that I'd forgotten about.

Today I'm wearing a cute new top I got at the op shop (thrift store) the other day and generally feeling okay enough, physically. A picture from 10 years ago popped up on my FB memories and wow I was lean. Good, healthy lean. This particular phase of my 40s has been pretty damn hard to take care of myself, but as I mentally adjust to being in perimenopause, I think soon I might be ready to tackle the physical side with regards to strength and fitness. Tickets are motivating.

Adam and I just celebrated 10 years together. It was a sedate celebration, but it was good to acknowledge it.

 

[Bariah]

I'm not winning yet.

Yet.

 

[Evie]

Yet.

In my job we have this thing called "growth mindset" (it honestly drives me nuts, but I still managed to adopt the "yet".)

 

[Evie]

One more week through the year. I can hardly believe that Monday is August. At the beginning of the year I wished that I could blink and it would be over and, despite the absolute trial that this year has been and will more than likely continue to be, I feel positive that I will get to December and feel...so many feels. But mostly that the last two and a half years if waiting is finally over.

Obviously, I'm happy to be going to visit Puck, even though our relationship has changed significantly. I have more walls. We aren't what we were. We aren't yet comfortable in whatever we are since his summer has been so flat out. Oh, yeah, Iris broke up with him too, again. Yet they're also in some weird kind of reconciliation or developing something new. I understand why... they've been together a very long time and they do love each other even when they don't like each other. But my worst fucking nightmare is her pulling some kind of shit - again - that seriously negatively impacts my time with Puck. Sure, sure, I have a hinge problem not a metamour problem, but it's actually not that simple. No-one fully compartmentalizes, I don't think that would actually be healthy either. But I'm really hoping she's out of State when I'm there (she was at the same time last year). I know Puck is already counting on it.

So, I'm still going to see him mostly because I just want to. There's a small part of me that also doesn't want to admit defeat to the fucking pandemic, especially with the light at the end of the tunnel. I think I can get one more booster shot before I go. At least after 10 days there we'll know for sure if this will be a full relationship again, or if we will end up redefining what we want to something very different.

Locally, Nova and I are going to town tomorrow for a girly day out, shopping, decent wine bar, a bite of dinner.

Adam and I are just cruising along. It's a very loving relationship and I can truly talk with him about anything.

After days/nights of insomnia, I really hope I sleep for many hours tonight. This morning I woke around 2:30 after about three hours sleep and then dozed off about 6 only to wake to a dream where I was sobbing my heart out with exhaustion. My mum and dad were there and I was trying to reassure them that I was just crying because I was so tired and someone did something nice for me and that was enough for me to totally lose it.

I bought some epsom salts today and will really try and treat myself to a bath this weekend.

 

[Evie]

Nope, no bath yet. I have slept - every other night on average right now. I am almost coping at work (excluding a couple of hours today); there are high points and low points and I was really, really short of spoons today. Many got used up yesterday when Puck when to hospital for chest pain. Thankfully, NOT a heart attack; really, he's just been working himself to the point of exhaustion (no shit, Sherlock).

I texted with Mike a little over the weekend, that was nice. I also went out with Nova and actually felt like I had a really relaxing Saturday. Even Sunday was pretty chill, but when Puck went to hospital on Monday, until he was able to tell me that all was "well" (enough to go home and get more tests later).

Adam has seen me struggle with work, and so much, but let's face it, work is the underlying culprit and now I have a mortgage I can't quit a job that makes me cry like I have been able to in the future. I am really unhappy in this phase of life and I can't wait for it to be over. Once my student loan is paid off, I will get a lot more flexibility. But I'd also like to throw a bit more at the mortgage for a few years after that to give myself a lot of wiggle room once I turn 50. I'm already starting to do job searches so I have some idea as to what I need to do to retrain and be employable in a different industry. If I want to get into workplace training, I need to learn Articulate or something similar. The other option is HR - which is generally a whole other qualification, but if I throw myself into union stuff in my current job, maybe I can use that as a selling point. Now I just have to find the energy to do these things. Ugh.

Mortgage. Death grip. Selling my soul for the next 10 years or so. I wish I knew how to do something else, but I've never sustained any kind of career that would make me worth what I'm getting now. And the worst part is, I love teaching...those who want to learn, even a little bit. But if they actually don't want to do anything, I'm at a complete fucking loss as to how to trick them into it. There's the kid who thinks he's going to be an NBA star when he can't even function as a team member (I've heard from his coach that while he can handle the ball, he can't actually think - which I see in class, too). I have the kids who just want to go into primary industries - and honestly, I have no idea what such employers actually want. This gives me an idea so I'll just leave this here to remind me to totally make a plan when it isn't bedtime.

I'm going to need another sleeping pill tonight because I embarrassed myself so deeply on Facebook I'll be blushing over this for years to come. My school is doing a fundraiser and I shared the link not realising that they didn't do home delivery for a small fee. Now I owe a friend a trip to Auckland to deliver the goods, or some other expensive work around

I wish the fundraiser was selling ice cream, then I'd just eat it all and reimburse them.

 

[Eponine]

Teaching is hard. I taught a few undergraduate classes when I was in graduate school. I liked teaching itself, but everything that came with it was so demanding: trying to make the class entertaining with different types of activities, dealing with students who requested extensions and score reviews, explaining how the final grade was calculated (even so, some students still didn't understand the math, and blamed me for giving them the wrong score), etc. At first I thought a teaching job at a community college would be good for me, but I gave up on it after teaching for a while. I think teaching younger kids would be even more challenging, maybe because I'm terrible with kids.

I hope you manage to find a career that makes you happier, Evie.