My response to the previous post is this:
If you can't speak to me honestly, forthrightly & authentically as yourself; then you aren't a real friend. To have a real relationship of any kind it is necessary for both parties to be able to be their authentic selves, speak their mind freely and be real in the relationship.
Clearly that isn't part of our relationship.
I know damn well that Maca is at the end of his road.
That is the point.
We agreed that we are not compatible.
NOW we have to figure out how far we have to step from one other to alleviate the issue of incompatibility, whilst still preserving what we can preserve for the benefit of ourselves and our children.
I have stated my non-negotiables. They haven't changed in 5 years.
He has figured out that he doesn't know what his are and can't possibly express them to be to decide whether or not there is any sort of compromise possible between us-until he is able to sit down with himself and figure those out.
People have told each of us repeatedly over the years to leave each other.
~I was told to leave him when he prioritized running away and leaving me to clean up the mess with his ex-wife and child.
~He was told to leave me when I had an affair.
~I was told to leave him after he brutally raped me
~He was told to leave me when I came out poly
~I was told to leave him when he repeatedly created unethical rules/boundaries in our relationship & when he then pointedly broke them.
The list goes ON AND ON AND ON.
So yeah-it's no secret.
FURTHERMORE: Our relationship has always retained the privilege for either of us to leave at will as we see fit.
&
We have at various times done precisely that.
Only he has a right, and it is also his RESPONSIBILITY to state what he needs in a relationship. I am not calling shots. I have done my responsibility which is to state MY bottom lines, my dealbreakers as the therapist asked us to. He now needs to do his.
There's no "LR trying to call all of the shots". There is LR waiting for Maca to define what his bottomlines/dealbreakers are so that we can proceed.
FURTHERMORE: he is WELL WITHIN HIS RIGHT to take until next Friday to consider that. Because that was what was agreed upon in therapy. There isn't going to be any "jumping to conclusions" or "guessing" what it is he wants on my part.
The pain and destruction of my having an affair was catastrophic.
The pain and destruction of having my spouse brutally and violently rape me was also catastrophic.
The pain and destruction of having our lives torn asunder by the assault of his ex-wife on me and my daughter and our son was catastrophic.
You seem to be well versed in ONE part of our shared history. But completely oblivious to the whole of it. That's a dangerous place from which to give advice. It also leads me to believe that you aren't "my friend" or you would be much more aware of the whole dynamic and the significant damage that we have BOTH experienced (much caused by others unrelated to this situation) and caused to each other.
I am damn sure I haven't asked how anyone else feels about my carrying on a relationship with GG. It's not anyones business but mine, GG's and Maca's. Furthermore; that topic is not the topic on the table between Maca and I.
Maca has long known that if he wants to put this relationship to rest over that; I will not fight him over it.
If he wants to put this relationship to rest over me being unwilling to be monogamous-I will not fight him over it.
IN FACT Maca has known from the very first day that if he choses to leave, that is his free will. I will not meet him in court. I will not drag our kids through battles. He can do/have/be whatever he wants including fucking me over completely financially and in terms of our children-because I won't fight him.
Additionally; I absolutely did not make it impossible for Maca to have other relationships. He in fact had a beautiful relationship for 2 years with another quite lovely woman. I only know of one person who has the audacity to beleive I have EVER stopped him from dating. Because everyone who is involved in our lives in any sort of real way is fully aware that he has always been free to see whoever he pleases.
What I do stop, is him forcing ME to have relationships with people he dates JUST BECAUSE he dates them. If a friendship naturally flourishes, great. If not-so be it. Since that is something he requires as well; it's not ME taking any great thing from him.
He has CHOSEN not to date after getting his heart broken over the loss of his gf and the following dramatic disaster he created with lies and boundary breaking with someone else. But not at my request or demand.
Long before poly entered the picture he was free to date and fuck other women IN OUR MARRIAGE & did so.
So I find it amusing at best and disturbing to say the least that you have such an unaware picture of reality and yet think you are a friend.
I didn't force Maca into this situation. I offered him a divorce after the affair. Hell, I offered him the opportunity to be my fuck buddy only-which is what he wanted to begin with. I offered (and the offer stands and has been restated many times) that I will give him what he is willing to accept and I won't ask for more.
If he wants to be just coparents. So be it.
if he wants to be friends and coparents. So be it.
If he wants to be fwb and coparents. So be it.
If he wants to be bf and coparents. so be it.
If he wants to be married, living separate and coparents. so be it.
If he wants to be married, living together and coparents. so be it.
The choice is his.
He chose to be with me after he had already accepted and decided he preferred to be with me over being without me.
He remains an autonomous person with the power of free will who can choose to leave at any time.
Now it's time for you to do the right thing and understand your husband's needs. Your idea of a compromise is Maca understanding your needs and giving you everything you want without question. That's not how marriage works. I really believe he will leave you this time so if you don't want that to happen, I would start to consider the compromises.
And there is where you audaciously overstep your bounds beyond repair.
You have no idea what I do or do not understand about Maca's needs. Nor do you know why. He has been QUITE CLEAR with me that HE does not know his needs and that he KNOWS I don't know them because he checked out of his life so long ago blah blal blah. THAT is a topic he is dealing with in therapy and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but WAIT PATIENTLY until he can clearly and concisely state what his NEEDS are.
You also have NO IDEA what my idea of compromising is. You haven't a clue what has been offered as a compromise. OBVIOUSLY.
Because NO COMPROMISE HAS BEEN DISCUSSED on account of the fact that it can't be discussed until he has a stance-and as of this moment-he does not. So there is nothing to compromise.
A compromise can't be made until both sides clearly state their place.
Evidently you also don't know "how marriage works" because "marriage" only works when both parties are allowed to define it together WITHOUT THE REST OF THE WORLD trying to put their two cents in.
When both parties ACTUALLY communicate honestly about who they are, what they need, and figure out if it's possible to get it together. Something that has NEVER BEEN DONE in our marriage-because Maca was unwilling to look deeply into himself to do those things. For reasons that came clear to him THIS WEEK & were shared with me. Reasons i understand & find to be worthy of me patiently letting him deal with figuring himself out.
He and I damn well may decide we aren't meant to be together. Having a marriage is NOT more important to me than ensuring that the PEOPLE I love and care for are able to be the best versions of themselves. If each of us is unable to continue to grow, learn and mature into better versions of ourselves together-then we NEED to be apart. ONLY if we can continue to grow and learn and improve on ourselves together should we remain together.
SOMETIMES LOVING SOMEONE MEANS LETTING THEM GO.
AND
if that is what is needed; so be it.
The piece of paper we signed means NOTHING to me compared to the health of EACH OF US.
No one said a FUCKING WORD about having sexual relations with other men (or women) in our house. THAT is not the issue at stake.
MAYBE you should read a little further or talk a little deeper with Maca about wtf the issue is, since you clearly aren't talking to me.
I AGREED TO THE REQUEST OF NOT HAVING SEXUAL PARTNERS IN THE HOUSE.
Which was a new request after the "not having sex while our partner was home" that I have ALWAYS respected (which changed after he no longer had a partner who he wanted to have sex with IN OUR BED). I did not sneak a partner in and fuck them on the livingroom floor. He did. I did not fuck another partner in our bed. he did. I did not ever have sex with someone else while he was even HERE. Audacious assumptions you make!!
I don't have any need for fucking anyone at all. But regardless, I don't need to fuck them HERE.
Do not-ever-talk to me about the decisions we make about our children. I don't even CARE who you are. No one, not Maca, not GG, not a soul on this planet can question my concerted effort at exemplary parenting of my kids.
He has the right to decide what HE does when HE has his kids and frankly-it's not my business.
I have the right to decide what I do when I have the kids and frankly-it's not his business.
That's the LAW.