Just LR

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re (from LovingRadiance):
"He's blaming it on me, telling me he will never be okay with someone wanting to fuck other people because they are lonely (even though I didn't even *ask* to fuck someone else)."

Seems like a double standard to me, considering he's talking to the 24-year-old again and, am I remembering right, he was involved with her in the past? Why does he get to fuck other people and you don't? Loneliness is somehow inferior to whatever his reasons are? and of course I know we're totally talking about hypotheticals, while he's treating the hypotheticals like they're reality. :(

Re (from LovingRadiance):
"I'm so tired of trying to be good enough for a world that I can only be good enough in if I only want one lover."

I don't like that world.

Re:
"I know I fucked up having an affair."

Well look, that was a long time ago. And like you said, Maca made his own choices to stay with you. He's responsible for those choices.

Is he now acting out of some kind of belated retribution for the affair?

Re:
"I hear people say they have the same struggle ..."

No -- their struggles are theirs. Yours are yours. No one can truly imagine what it's like in someone else's shoes. They can try to imagine of course, and that's a good thing to do. But they can't pretend to know how successful they are.

Anyway. Things are obviously pretty serious. You are losing both Maca and GG. That makes me deeply sad. And I see that it puts you in a desperate position. You have kids and grandkids who depend on you and caring for them is becoming a hard proposition. Do you have any friends and/or extended family in the area who can help you out at this time?

Are you and Maca legally married? If so, and if you end up divorced, I should think Maca would be legally obligated to provide alimony and child support. It's the only thing that makes sense; you can't be in two places at once.

I don't know how to revive your plans to move and go to school, but I have to think there'll be a way to revive them. There must be some kind of support system for you somewhere. I especially feel like you need a chance to move. I have a sister who lived in Alaska for awhile and she once said, "I could never do it again. I couldn't stand to live through one more Alaskan Winter."

Is there any way you can move out for a short period of time? even for a couple of weeks? enough to decompress a little, and try to figure out your options?

Wow. This is pretty depressing. Even from this far away.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I can't answer everything.
And I cant do any of it tonight.

But I am reading Kevin.
I will log in tomorrow.

Thank you guys.
 
Just wanted to send you some love, LR.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I just cant answer the questions.
I don't know

I appreciate the outpouring of love.
I am annoyed that I can't sleep tonight of all nights. Cause I really need some sleep.

I'm at bottom lines. I'm too worn out for anything but bottom lines.

The bottom line is:
Maca can't handle open relationships because he isn't ready to take responsibility to work through his own insecurities and control issues.
So I ended the relationship.
He says maybe someday he can deal with the insecurities that make it impossible for him, but that isn't today.
Ok.
So that means incompatible which means separate.

He's planning to return to Kodiak the 1st. Until then we sit in stasis. Hopefully a quiet one. Because I need a damn break.

GG can't handle taking full responsibility for his life.
So I ended the relationship.
He says he is trying. Hopefully he will manage it. But toay is not that day.
Ok.
So that means incompatible which means separate.

I need a freaking break from drama.
They both create drama with the issues in their ownselves that they don't manage.
So-I need them to be out of my immediate circle.

I need Sour Pea in school so I can figure out work/school something from here.
So-I got her withdrawal from the home school program started and the enrollment in the public school started and am just waiting for the two to coordinate with each other so she can start.

Panther is being supportive as my friend-because as he noted "your life is in turmoil and you need a friend. That's my priority. Anything else can be discussed when you are stable and solid on your feet again doll."

All I can do is drop to tears.

Another friend whose known me nearly as long has insisted that we start doing a weekly lunch. We're meeting on Thursday. He and his significant other are concerned about my well being. He picked up on the issues & has been checking on me regularly by text. But after seeing me face to face this weekend feels that at least a once a week check in is necessary. I agreed to be there.

Another friend who has also known me since 9th grade also reached out today and said that he was concerned about my well -being (neither of these two know about the break ups) based upon seeing me this weekend and knowing about the death in the family and the stress of Spicy Peas complications with her pregnancy and everything else that's gone down this summer. He asked me to please keep in touch and stop by the house to check in face to face once a week.

All three live in damn near a straight line down one stretch of hwy in town. So it won't be hard to make a check in even if I only go to town once a week.

I am comforted by the fact that they all became concerned when I had to go to Kodiak for an extended trip, recognized that the death piled on top of that, and then my mom moving suddenly, Spicy Peas pregnancy complications and all the other crap that has arisen make me in need of more support and being watched over.

I am somewhat hurt and offended that it wasn't obvious to those who supposedly love me most.

I have a friend on the board-who has become a friend in real life-and she has asked me to check in daily as well. She's too far away for face to face visits. But I aim to message her daily.

And I have a chosen sister who walked off her job today to come check on me. Helped me get the paperwork for Sour Pea dealt with and is checking on me before and after work every day. She has Wednesday off work so we are going to the range to do some target shooting.

I am trying to keep myself from isolating too much and falling apart. It's not an easy task.
But it does help that so many people are aware of how serious the emotional strain is and the need to be able to fall apart on someone's shoulder; not alone in my room where I'm at risk of falling too far.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Solo Poly

And SO

the immediate weeks are going to be stressful, emotional, traumatizing.

But-I suppose the story changes at this point from a poly family to solo poly.
Of course I still have the kids and that makes us a family.
But the poly dynamic is going to be a solo poly dynamic.

I'm curious to start talking about what's different about that from the family poly dynamic.
 

SNeacail

New member
I am somewhat hurt and offended that it wasn't obvious to those who supposedly love me most.

This is not uncommon as they are usually too close to the situation and also swept up in the same drama and experiencing their own turmoil of emotions - can't see the forest through the trees.

Another friend whose known me nearly as long has insisted that we start doing a weekly lunch. We're meeting on Thursday. He and his significant other are concerned about my well being. He picked up on the issues & has been checking on me regularly by text. But after seeing me face to face this weekend feels that at least a once a week check in is necessary. I agreed to be there.

Another friend who has also known me since 9th grade also reached out today and said that he was concerned about my well -being (neither of these two know about the break ups) based upon seeing me this weekend and knowing about the death in the family and the stress of Spicy Peas complications with her pregnancy and everything else that's gone down this summer. He asked me to please keep in touch and stop by the house to check in face to face once a week.

I have a friend on the board-who has become a friend in real life-and she has asked me to check in daily as well. She's too far away for face to face visits. But I aim to message her daily.

And I have a chosen sister who walked off her job today to come check on me. Helped me get the paperwork for Sour Pea dealt with and is checking on me before and after work every day. She has Wednesday off work so we are going to the range to do some target shooting.

This is VERY good!

I found that as I get older, I have to "clean house" and remove those relationships where I'm doing all the work, or where I have to pretend to be someone or something I'm not. I have less tolerance for adults acting like children and other bs. It's not in my best interest to engage in or even try to change such behavior in anyone (except my children). Unfortunately, there comes a time where the only thing left to do is throw up your hands and walk away. There is no point in continuing to bang your head up against a brick wall.

Don't be afraid to lean on your friends, they are waiting to catch you and lend a hand when you need it. I know this is hard to do when you are usually the one rescuing everyone else - it's your turn to let your friends return the favor.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
What SNeacail said. This is a time in your life to accept all help from any who are willing to help and can. Even the ones who should have noticed that you were struggling. Tell them what you can about what's gone south and let them know you need extra support at this time. Even the smallest thing can help on the extra bad days.

I hope you'll consider Polyamory.com a place you can turn to for help, even if it's just moral support. Alas that I am not a man of great means, otherwise I'd offer to fly you and the kids and grandkids down south and have a large abode where you could live. Due to the tanked economy and corporate corruption, my little V is just keeping its own head above water. But I am following your blog with care and concern and hope to offer words, yes, words, since that is the one sure thing I know I can offer. And maybe somewhere in my words will be the seeds of ideas that can bear fruit later.

Your friends are asking you to see them every week (or more) so they can see how your doing. The same goes for this forum. We, your friends at Polyamory.com, ask you to check in with us regularly so we can read about how you're doing, and talk you down from the darkest places. I don't know if it helps, but I am more than willing to provide extra support via private messaging and email. Consider it a standing offer whenever you need an extra boost. You've been such a good friend to me on this forum; I think I kind of owe you one anyway. That and of course the fact that I do care, I can't help it.

Since I'm an atheist I know it's kind of ironic for me to say, but I will send out prayers for you to get through this, and come out okay on the other side. You can do it with help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

opalescent

Active member
Thinking of you LR. I'm sorry things have gotten bad. I've been the person that needed to do the work internally and didn't, and got deservedly dumped. It is so very true that one cannot make anyone do something they really don't want to do. You are doing the best you can. And, yes, now is the time to lean on friends and family.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Thx everyone. I am taking each step one at a time.
Sourpea starts school tomorrow.
I set reminders in my phone for doing text checkins twice a day with three people who asked me to do that.
My fb is off for now. To avoid too much (more) input.
But i will keep logging in here and checking in.

My baby sister totalled her car sometime last night. So may be coming to stay with me for rides to/from school/work.

More later
 

Garriguette

New member
I am glad that you have local friends who are checking in with you, LR.

And I'm so sorry that you're hurting.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Made it through today.
Got my sister and her stuff here so I can facilitate her going to school and work.
Got Sour Pea's school supplies so she can start tomorrow.
I'm going to go to bed now.

Tomorrow I take Sour Pea to school then drop my sister at school then I will go to the range and use up some ammo. :)
 

KC43

New member
I'm sorry things have gotten so rough for you, LR. But I'm glad you have friends who are checking in with you and helping you through it.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am so sorry.... So much stress!

I am glad your friend support is strong. I am sad to hear of break ups, but I am glad you are being decisive. I hope that leads to a quicker transition period so you can arrive at peace and calm soon. I hope the kids and grand kids weather the transition quickly and smoothly too.

Hang in there!
Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Those 2 men were a couple of low self esteem pains in the asses anyway.

Something/someone(s) better for you is just around the corner.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
I am just reeling. The pain, the shock, the ephmereal quality of everything is overwhelming.

A friend wrote in an email how easy it is to jump to 'what the fuck is wrong with me' thoughts at a time like this (followed by a reminder that its not necessarily a sign of me being totally fucked up).
I am totally there.

Not completely because I love them.
But because I am not good enough.
Im not "normal" enough.

It hurt so much already having to step away from GG.
This is more than my mind can currently process.

I took Sourpea to school today after being sure she got the dogs fed, had a shower and breakfast, practiced piano. Met the teacher, went over details.
Then to the range. Shot off 100 rounds with the .44. 1/2 specials (fairly easy on the arms) and 1/2 magnums (rock ya backwards each shot).

I drove my sister to school and picked her back up as well. Then waited for Sourpea to come home on the bus. She had a good day. Went over homework briefly, got her through chores.

Sat in the shower with the lights turned off til the water ran cold.

Talked to Maca. Painfully confirming that we can't bridge the gap between us.
He told me he could see us resolving things if we did a couple years of counseling. BUT he would only be willing to do the counseling if I was not "fucking anyone else" during that time. So we would be separated, but not with anyone else. In other words-no sexual or romantic relationship of any kind at all for a couple of years while we work through personal insecurities, fears, control issues. AND he figures if we tried to do that I would be resentful of him.
So-no point....

Not much to say following that. So I didn't say a word. I did some sit ups and a few bench presses. But my heart wasn't in it. So I am curled up in bed.
 
Sending you hugs. This isn't about you - or GG or Maca - not being normal enough. You have all tried hard to make things work between you - and what you have achieved together has been amazing. Don't ever forget that.

I think that it's difficult to predict always where difficulties lie. GG probably thought he would be fine stepping up and doing more. He wasn't. When he tried, he became absorbed in work and forgot all about his relationship responsibilities and by the time he realised his mistake the action was too little, too late.

I'm sure that Maca, having adjusted to having the man his wife had an affair with living in his home and continuing a relationship with his wife, thought that he had conquered his control issues. Turns out he hasn't. He'd sorted out his problems with GG and that turns out not to go for all men.

You LR have been consistent throughout. You want both men in your life and you were willing to do any amount of work to make that happen. You are not into monogamy and intend never to live that way. You have been consistent about talking about and living that way from the start of this blog (and likely before then too). Things in your home life seemed stable and settled enough that you could focus on other things - your studies, something that you love and which gives your life focus and meaning.

It turns out that without your incredible focus and guiding hand on all parts of family life, the men in your life cannot hold things together and now you are all faced with parting.

This is not about you being not normal. It is about you deciding to live for yourself, to not prop up those around you as you have been doing. It is common for relationships - of any configuration - to break down once women start studying and having a focus outside of the home. You are starting to see, understand and grasp your own worth. That change is something that neither of the men in your life are able to move with. You are not going to be able to change back into the you of a few years ago who focussed utterly on home and family and as your men have not moved with you, you all need to part company.

In a way it isn't normal for women to want to have a life outside of caring for others. Our society is set up to encourage girls and women into caring roles and to place the responsibility for building homes and maintaining families with them. To step outside of that is still a bit unusual. It's something that we should be doing regardless. The more women who do it, the more it will become normal for women to do things other than home make.

I know that there is great pain now but I am absolutely sure that when things settle you will surround yourself with friends and lovers who support your way of doing relationships and desire to have a life outside of your home and family.

Wishing you a good day.

IP
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Thanks IP. Today isn't going so well. I got sourpea off to school, but broke down while driving my sister to work and haven't pulled it backtogether in the hour since.
Just sitting in my car sobbing.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Very sorry for how much you are hurting right now.

Re (from LovingRadiance):
"*But* he would only be willing to do the counseling if I was not 'fucking anyone else' during that time. So we would be separated, but not with anyone else."

But I take it he would still be seeing the 24-year-old? Gee, maybe that would make you resentful.

Anyway, InfinitePossibility made a good point or three. No need to cast blame, the bottom line is that the guys aren't up to it when they thought they would be.

I think the breakups that are happening should continue in a formal and respectful way. The three of you aren't used to having boundaries between each other, but some new boundaries are going to be appropriate and necessary.

Thus and so are my thoughts for the moment.
 

opalescent

Active member
I realize internet hugs from electronic people are nowhere near as helpful as real hugs but I am gently <<hugging>> you (if you are ok with that of course!).
 

SNeacail

New member
But I take it he would still be seeing the 24-year-old?

That's what I was thinking too.

Based on the issues of just a month ago, Maca needs counseling desperately and is unwilling to get help. The severity of the moods swings says there is something wrong - more than just "he can't deal". He is not healthy, you have done everything in your power to convince him to seek help. Now it's time to protect yourself. He has been violent in the past, is there any chance of that repeating?

Hugs sweety!
 
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