Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

Evie

Active member
You did rather suggest the most difficult solution to her problem. And you can renegotiate that, tell her you have realised that it's not fair to ask a potential interest in or by one of you that you are a package deal. And that You. Will. Date. Women. Independently. And that many have grown into this being comfortable and she can too if she does the work to get there. But you can't shield her from her feelings, it is for her to learn to process them.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
You did rather suggest the most difficult solution to her problem. And you can renegotiate that, tell her you have realised that it's not fair to ask a potential interest in or by one of you that you are a package deal. And that You. Will. Date. Women. Independently. And that many have grown into this being comfortable and she can too if she does the work to get there. But you can't shield her from her feelings, it is for her to learn to process them.

I agree. She isn't your parent or your boss. You don't need her permission to date women. One vagina policies are just as unfair as one penis policies.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
So things have been going fairly well. Spitfire and I have decided to ask fewer questions about each other's dates. I find it helps me out immensely. One came over last night for dinner and then they went to go hang out. I'll call him Riker. Seems like he's got a good chance to be around for a while. He was nice. Seemed a bit nervous though. I did my best to be welcoming and friendly and I think I came off that way.

Things have kind of tapered off with Barry. We still talk but not as much. Seems like we may only get to be good friends. Who knows?

I've begun looking for a female companion. No one that Spitfire would ever run into in town (by her request). Nothing so far but I'd like to find a woman to progress slowly with. I'm not in any rush though...

...because I met this guy. Super sweet and considerate. Very into me. Real cute. He's into a lot of the same shit I am (fucking NERD!!!) and I fucking love it. Talking to him makes my heart beat a little faster. I'm scared to rush into things though. Fall fast, fall hard. Anyone have any advice on how to take your time and not charge in blind? Right now I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time with him. Let's go ahead and refer to him as Jason.

So I've got a hotel room for this weekend so we can actually hang out and spend time together face to face without the threat of being in public and catching the plague. I'm so excited for it. I'm actually fantasizing about holding him in my arms and cuddling with him. He invited me to a Winter Solstice celebration. I'm looking forward to that now too. Hoping he sticks around. He's not really poly per se, but he has a thing going with another guy who's asexual. I look at that as a definite plus. That puts him in a unique position to understand why I need to split my time.

Things with Spitfire have been going really well. We are currently pretty happy. Granted, the mood shifts from time to time but we're learning how to stop hurting each other and stop letting ourselves be hurt. I think finding someone like Jason has helped me out a lot. I'm not so jealous of what Spitfire's doing and I'm way more excited about what I'm doing. That's got to be a major push forward. Also, she's been talking to a woman who's really into D&D! Future girlfriend for her who could be a good friend for me? Just trying to be optimistic.

I'd really like to get into a good kitchen table situation minus paras/metas living/sleeping at my house. I don't even like it when my kids sleep in my bed so the thought of another dude camping out in it pisses me off. Spitfire and I have realized that we're fairly territorial and that's some of our problem. We need our own personal territory and bringing a meta into it is not really cool. We've elected to maintain the no sex with other partners in the house rule and expand it to no sleepovers in the house. That last part may not be forever but for now it seems like a good idea until we're both ready for it not to be. We also discussed the possibility of maybe evolving to a throuple or something similar once the kids get older and move out. Who knows?

And that's what's been going on with me.
 

icesong

Member
Do y'all have a guest room? before we had gotten used to partners staying over / long before having one with us, Knight and I could sleep over with partners in our guest room, so there was minimal impact on our shared room/bed. That said, part of that was not having disposable income for hotel rooms then (or now, really, but still), and I often think that it would be nice to do the hotel thing instead just because it'd be really great to have a bit of time away from MiniMe with Artist (I used to go to his house a lot when his partner was staying out..yay poly dominoes...)
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Do y'all have a guest room? before we had gotten used to partners staying over / long before having one with us, Knight and I could sleep over with partners in our guest room, so there was minimal impact on our shared room/bed. That said, part of that was not having disposable income for hotel rooms then (or now, really, but still), and I often think that it would be nice to do the hotel thing instead just because it'd be really great to have a bit of time away from MiniMe with Artist (I used to go to his house a lot when his partner was staying out..yay poly dominoes...)
No, no guest rooms. Besides, my house is my home. I don't really want to have some guy in my house who's just there to bang my wife. It may stem from being one of eight roomates living in a one bedroom apartment, but I am incredibly territorial about my home. Any sort of lifestyle like that is a looong way off. Unfortuantely, Jason just finished college at the onset of COVID and lives with his parents for now. Not sure they'd really approve of a married guy showing up to their house to date their son, so a hotel room is a must. We've got a little bit of disposable income, nothing serious but enough that a hotel room or a campsite every now and then won't sink us. We're basically paying to figure out how to make this work.
 

icesong

Member
Eight roommates... yeah I'd probably have a bit of territorialness too! Maybe the banging, as you put it, didn't bother me as much just because we started on the swinger side.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Yeah, my college living situation tended to always be a shit show. Spitfire doesn't really go for the whole banging thing unless she's really into a guy. She's demisexual. Any dude that'd be staying the night in my house would have a deep emotional attachment to her. It's been a rough way to start poly. Emotions first, sex later. She has a hard time reconciling the fact that I don't really have a problem with getting heavy on the first or second date. I think she's coming around to it. We set up a rule where when you come home from a date, you shower and brush your teeth no matter what happened. That way, if you don't want to know, you don't have to but at least your clean and not chancing tasting some dude's dick in a kiss.

Oddly enough, not knowing has helped. I like to know that she's going out, who she's going out with, and where she's going, but that's more of a safety thing. If she doesn't come back, I need to know where to tell the police to start looking. I had to resist the urge to get a pic of Riker's license plate. Seemed like a good security practice but I figured it might be a bit over bearing and might piss Spitfire off. She was proud of me.

So now that I sound like a complete paranoid psycho...

We're kind of in a real good place. I think Jason will probably be my first serious partner so we'll have to see how Spitfire reacts to that. I know she's worried I'm just going to run off with him. Cute guy with his shit together straight out of law school. I can see how that's threatening. It doesn't really compare, though, to a decade of best friendship, the mother of my children, and the woman I married. I have fears like that too, though. Every new guy she meets I'm worried that she'll decide our relationship just isn't worth the work and peace out. I think the longer we work at this the easier that'll get.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Spent the night with Jason. A lot of my anxiety and jealousy about Spitfire kind of melted away after that. I feel pretty good about it and she seems to be handling it real well. I've reached a point where I want her to find the same kind of happiness that I found with Jason.

I'm worrying I'm rushing in to fast though. I have a bad habit of being driven by my emotions at the beginning of a relationship and ignoring any red flags that might pop up. So far I've been trying to keep an eye out and haven't found anything, but can I trust myself? I'm really excited for him to meet Spitfire. I think they're going to love each other. At least I hope. He's not really poly and seeing me is kind of a first for him. I'm worried having him meet my wife might be asking a lot but he seems excited at the idea. I'm sure someone has run into an issue like that from time to time. Anyone have any advice on how to approach that.

I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...
 

icesong

Member
I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...

For some relationships, "never live together, never get married, split time" is a feature not a bug. Seriously - I have literally zero _practical_ entanglement (money, living situation, etc) with Artist (although I am fairly sure if I ever _needed_ some sort of practical support he'd give it), and that actually improves our relationship in a lot of ways. All of our time together is a gift, not an obligation, freely chosen every single time we see each other - and that eliminates SO many of my doubts and insecurities... not to mention eliminating a lot of sources of potential disagreements. Some people would say that makes a relationship more shallow, but I don't think so - I'm not sure anyone else "gets" me to nearly the degree he does these days, even Knight.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Spent the night with Jason. A lot of my anxiety and jealousy about Spitfire kind of melted away after that. I feel pretty good about it and she seems to be handling it real well. I've reached a point where I want her to find the same kind of happiness that I found with Jason.

I'm worrying I'm rushing in to fast though. I have a bad habit of being driven by my emotions at the beginning of a relationship and ignoring any red flags that might pop up. So far I've been trying to keep an eye out and haven't found anything, but can I trust myself? I'm really excited for him to meet Spitfire. I think they're going to love each other. At least I hope. He's not really poly and seeing me is kind of a first for him. I'm worried having him meet my wife might be asking a lot but he seems excited at the idea. I'm sure someone has run into an issue like that from time to time. Anyone have any advice on how to approach that.

I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...
Um, I think you just mentioned Jason a week ago? It's way too soon to start meeting the meta, having the Talk about the future, etc. I'd recommend just keeping it light and enjoying getting to know each other. Even if you really clicked, it's very early days. Resist the urge to rush, like a lesbian with a U-Haul on the first date. ;)

You never know how things will evolve... you may not be deeply compatible, or you may be very compatible and want to make long range plans. But not yet! Coming on with all that kind of talk could seem intimidating after one or 2 dates.

And it's not good for your marriage, especially as you are still both worried about being replaced!
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Um, I think you just mentioned Jason a week ago? It's way too soon to start meeting the meta, having the Talk about the future, etc. I'd recommend just keeping it light and enjoying getting to know each other. Even if you really clicked, it's very early days. Resist the urge to rush, like a lesbian with a U-Haul on the first date. ;)

You never know how things will evolve... you may not be deeply compatible, or you may be very compatible and want to make long range plans. But not yet! Coming on with all that kind of talk could seem intimidating after one or 2 dates.

And it's not good for your marriage, especially as you are still both worried about being replaced!
Good point. I need to just see where it goes.
Jason and I have been talking and what not for about a month and some change now. We've got a lot in common so far. Plus he's a hell of a sweet guy. I need to stop over thinking and just enjoy the ride.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Good point. I need to just see where it goes.
Jason and I have been talking and what not for about a month and some change now. We've got a lot in common so far. Plus he's a hell of a sweet guy. I need to stop over thinking and just enjoy the ride.
That's right. If you keep seeing him, you'll both probably have NRE for at least 6 months. You'll be seeing each other with rose-colored glasses. Just have fun, and stay connected with BlackDahlia too.
 
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