I've been having a hard time with things this week. I feel very lonely. Spitfire's here but I feel so disconnected from her. Talking about how I feel only seems to spark an argument. She says the COVID stress and isolation are getting to me and she's probably right. All the stress only compounds my existing problems.
Things have been growing cold in the bedroom and I've gotten bitter about it. It's like it's on me to initiate and I never pick the right time. I'm trying to navigate between work, the kids, her panic attacks, her time spent with her other partner (who I know I need to name but I can't think of a name worthy of him yet), and spending time with Jason. I feel paralyzed under the pressure.
I'm definitely jealous of the time she gets to spend with her guy. Jason is still trying to find his own place and doesn't want to have to deal with explaining to his family that he's dating a married guy. I get that. The only person I've told in my family is my brother. Sadly, that means the only places we can get together are my house (which has a no sex boundary) and hotel rooms which are a bit pricey. I miss him.
He comes by most weekends to hang out but I'm often busy with looking after the kids or he's busy with a D&D game. He's got a regular game he plays over the internet on Sundays as well as the game he and I have with some other friends online on Saturday.
So Sundays tend to go like this. Jason comes over to my place around 1000 and hangs out for a bit, then Spitfire goes off to work and he logs into his game. I look after the kids so Spitfire can sleep in and then try to run interference with them so she can get ready for work. All while trying to entertain my boyfriend. She leaves around 1100 so I make lunch for everyone and make sure the little one actually eats and then at 1300 Jason signs onto his game. It kind of sucks but that's the only way we can have time to do everything since he has to drive an hour to get here. His game lasts for about 3 hours, right about the time Spitfire gets home. Then her dude gets here and I start cooking dinner and preparing for the D&D game that I run for all of them. The game ends around 2030 when Jason has to get home so he can get some sleep for work the next day.
It's been a good hobby. I pour a lot of myself into writing, painting, carving and crafting. I learned how to make a cool looking dead tree out of aluminum foil and hot glue. Pretty pleased with how it turned out.
So, back to that no sex boundary because I'm sure it's given some people pause. I work hard. I sacrifice my body, my mind and sometimes even my dignity to make enough money to have a nice place to live with stuff I like. While Spitfire may be cool with the idea, the thought of other people having sex all over my stuff grosses me out. I don't want that. Since I'm not cool with her doing it, it's only fair that I not do it myself. That's all there is to it. That's my logic there.
That brings me back to the point. I feel like Spitfire and I are not having a lot of sex. Like once a week, if that. It makes me jealous as fuck that sex seems to be this finite resource and, that she goes to his house and has it with him almost every week. That suggests to me that the problem is me. There's something I'm doing wrong or something about me she doesn't want. And when I press the issue, like an idiot, it makes her not want to have sex with me more. She pointed out that I'm making a correlation between sexual frequency and how I'm doing in a relationship. She's not wrong. I feel like a good happy relationship should have lots of sex in it. Sex is fun and it feeds this desire I have for a deep, passionate connection.
She keeps bringing up how the last few years before poly our sex life teetered off to almost non-existent. How it made her feel. So why does she not seem to understand how I feel? I of course bring up "imagine if when I wasn't sleeping with you I was sleeping with someone else." Doesn't seem to be the right course to take. Steers me right into the danger zone. She gets mad at me and I still don't think she understands how I feel. She says she does understand. She's referring to how her ex cheated on her over and over again. That situation is different. There's a difference between not having sex because someone is going behind your back (which I would agree is the shittier of the feelings) and and knowingly bidding your partner farewell as they're off to give somebody else the thing you so badly want for yourself. I'm not saying my pain is any worse than hers. I'm just saying it hurts and I hate it.
On top of all this I hate bringing up that I want more sex. Yes, I'm trying to express what I want, but now I feel like I'm pressuring her for sex, which is the kind of sex I don't want. I feel like I'm running in these self-defeating circles.
You know what? Let's call him Kirk. Solid.
Anyway, it's hard watching her have such a good time with Kirk while I'm having such a hard time. I know it's not fair to put that shit on them, but I feel how I feel. They have so much joy in each other's company while it seems like so much of what we have lately is stress and bills and screaming kids and dogs barking all the time. Picard put it really well (yep, he's still around just not physically). The hardest part is seeing them have a great time without having to put in all the work you have to put into a marriage. I'm paraphrasing.
Marriage is a ton of work and I feel like I'm failing at it. It's bumming me out which is making me fail worse. I don't know how to be better, how to get better. There's also a solid chance that I'm being over sensitive because I miss the hell out of Jason. I don't know. Spitfire thinks I should see a therapist and I'm certain she's right. Typing this out helped. I got to spew out some uninterrupted thought and there's likely some stuff here I can look back over and reflect on.
I miss karaoke. Harmlessly dumping all that negative energy on a crowd of strangers in an indirect way is very therapeutic. Now I just kind of ramble into the internet and sometimes...the internet rambles back.
