Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

Evie

Moderator
You did rather suggest the most difficult solution to her problem. And you can renegotiate that, tell her you have realised that it's not fair to ask a potential interest in or by one of you that you are a package deal. And that You. Will. Date. Women. Independently. And that many have grown into this being comfortable and she can too if she does the work to get there. But you can't shield her from her feelings, it is for her to learn to process them.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
You did rather suggest the most difficult solution to her problem. And you can renegotiate that, tell her you have realised that it's not fair to ask a potential interest in or by one of you that you are a package deal. And that You. Will. Date. Women. Independently. And that many have grown into this being comfortable and she can too if she does the work to get there. But you can't shield her from her feelings, it is for her to learn to process them.

I agree. She isn't your parent or your boss. You don't need her permission to date women. One vagina policies are just as unfair as one penis policies.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
So things have been going fairly well. Spitfire and I have decided to ask fewer questions about each other's dates. I find it helps me out immensely. One came over last night for dinner and then they went to go hang out. I'll call him Riker. Seems like he's got a good chance to be around for a while. He was nice. Seemed a bit nervous though. I did my best to be welcoming and friendly and I think I came off that way.

Things have kind of tapered off with Barry. We still talk but not as much. Seems like we may only get to be good friends. Who knows?

I've begun looking for a female companion. No one that Spitfire would ever run into in town (by her request). Nothing so far but I'd like to find a woman to progress slowly with. I'm not in any rush though...

...because I met this guy. Super sweet and considerate. Very into me. Real cute. He's into a lot of the same shit I am (fucking NERD!!!) and I fucking love it. Talking to him makes my heart beat a little faster. I'm scared to rush into things though. Fall fast, fall hard. Anyone have any advice on how to take your time and not charge in blind? Right now I'm looking forward to spending a lot of time with him. Let's go ahead and refer to him as Jason.

So I've got a hotel room for this weekend so we can actually hang out and spend time together face to face without the threat of being in public and catching the plague. I'm so excited for it. I'm actually fantasizing about holding him in my arms and cuddling with him. He invited me to a Winter Solstice celebration. I'm looking forward to that now too. Hoping he sticks around. He's not really poly per se, but he has a thing going with another guy who's asexual. I look at that as a definite plus. That puts him in a unique position to understand why I need to split my time.

Things with Spitfire have been going really well. We are currently pretty happy. Granted, the mood shifts from time to time but we're learning how to stop hurting each other and stop letting ourselves be hurt. I think finding someone like Jason has helped me out a lot. I'm not so jealous of what Spitfire's doing and I'm way more excited about what I'm doing. That's got to be a major push forward. Also, she's been talking to a woman who's really into D&D! Future girlfriend for her who could be a good friend for me? Just trying to be optimistic.

I'd really like to get into a good kitchen table situation minus paras/metas living/sleeping at my house. I don't even like it when my kids sleep in my bed so the thought of another dude camping out in it pisses me off. Spitfire and I have realized that we're fairly territorial and that's some of our problem. We need our own personal territory and bringing a meta into it is not really cool. We've elected to maintain the no sex with other partners in the house rule and expand it to no sleepovers in the house. That last part may not be forever but for now it seems like a good idea until we're both ready for it not to be. We also discussed the possibility of maybe evolving to a throuple or something similar once the kids get older and move out. Who knows?

And that's what's been going on with me.
 

icesong

Moderator
Do y'all have a guest room? before we had gotten used to partners staying over / long before having one with us, Knight and I could sleep over with partners in our guest room, so there was minimal impact on our shared room/bed. That said, part of that was not having disposable income for hotel rooms then (or now, really, but still), and I often think that it would be nice to do the hotel thing instead just because it'd be really great to have a bit of time away from MiniMe with Artist (I used to go to his house a lot when his partner was staying out..yay poly dominoes...)
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Do y'all have a guest room? before we had gotten used to partners staying over / long before having one with us, Knight and I could sleep over with partners in our guest room, so there was minimal impact on our shared room/bed. That said, part of that was not having disposable income for hotel rooms then (or now, really, but still), and I often think that it would be nice to do the hotel thing instead just because it'd be really great to have a bit of time away from MiniMe with Artist (I used to go to his house a lot when his partner was staying out..yay poly dominoes...)
No, no guest rooms. Besides, my house is my home. I don't really want to have some guy in my house who's just there to bang my wife. It may stem from being one of eight roomates living in a one bedroom apartment, but I am incredibly territorial about my home. Any sort of lifestyle like that is a looong way off. Unfortuantely, Jason just finished college at the onset of COVID and lives with his parents for now. Not sure they'd really approve of a married guy showing up to their house to date their son, so a hotel room is a must. We've got a little bit of disposable income, nothing serious but enough that a hotel room or a campsite every now and then won't sink us. We're basically paying to figure out how to make this work.
 

icesong

Moderator
Eight roommates... yeah I'd probably have a bit of territorialness too! Maybe the banging, as you put it, didn't bother me as much just because we started on the swinger side.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Yeah, my college living situation tended to always be a shit show. Spitfire doesn't really go for the whole banging thing unless she's really into a guy. She's demisexual. Any dude that'd be staying the night in my house would have a deep emotional attachment to her. It's been a rough way to start poly. Emotions first, sex later. She has a hard time reconciling the fact that I don't really have a problem with getting heavy on the first or second date. I think she's coming around to it. We set up a rule where when you come home from a date, you shower and brush your teeth no matter what happened. That way, if you don't want to know, you don't have to but at least your clean and not chancing tasting some dude's dick in a kiss.

Oddly enough, not knowing has helped. I like to know that she's going out, who she's going out with, and where she's going, but that's more of a safety thing. If she doesn't come back, I need to know where to tell the police to start looking. I had to resist the urge to get a pic of Riker's license plate. Seemed like a good security practice but I figured it might be a bit over bearing and might piss Spitfire off. She was proud of me.

So now that I sound like a complete paranoid psycho...

We're kind of in a real good place. I think Jason will probably be my first serious partner so we'll have to see how Spitfire reacts to that. I know she's worried I'm just going to run off with him. Cute guy with his shit together straight out of law school. I can see how that's threatening. It doesn't really compare, though, to a decade of best friendship, the mother of my children, and the woman I married. I have fears like that too, though. Every new guy she meets I'm worried that she'll decide our relationship just isn't worth the work and peace out. I think the longer we work at this the easier that'll get.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Spent the night with Jason. A lot of my anxiety and jealousy about Spitfire kind of melted away after that. I feel pretty good about it and she seems to be handling it real well. I've reached a point where I want her to find the same kind of happiness that I found with Jason.

I'm worrying I'm rushing in to fast though. I have a bad habit of being driven by my emotions at the beginning of a relationship and ignoring any red flags that might pop up. So far I've been trying to keep an eye out and haven't found anything, but can I trust myself? I'm really excited for him to meet Spitfire. I think they're going to love each other. At least I hope. He's not really poly and seeing me is kind of a first for him. I'm worried having him meet my wife might be asking a lot but he seems excited at the idea. I'm sure someone has run into an issue like that from time to time. Anyone have any advice on how to approach that.

I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...
 

icesong

Moderator
I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...

For some relationships, "never live together, never get married, split time" is a feature not a bug. Seriously - I have literally zero _practical_ entanglement (money, living situation, etc) with Artist (although I am fairly sure if I ever _needed_ some sort of practical support he'd give it), and that actually improves our relationship in a lot of ways. All of our time together is a gift, not an obligation, freely chosen every single time we see each other - and that eliminates SO many of my doubts and insecurities... not to mention eliminating a lot of sources of potential disagreements. Some people would say that makes a relationship more shallow, but I don't think so - I'm not sure anyone else "gets" me to nearly the degree he does these days, even Knight.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Spent the night with Jason. A lot of my anxiety and jealousy about Spitfire kind of melted away after that. I feel pretty good about it and she seems to be handling it real well. I've reached a point where I want her to find the same kind of happiness that I found with Jason.

I'm worrying I'm rushing in to fast though. I have a bad habit of being driven by my emotions at the beginning of a relationship and ignoring any red flags that might pop up. So far I've been trying to keep an eye out and haven't found anything, but can I trust myself? I'm really excited for him to meet Spitfire. I think they're going to love each other. At least I hope. He's not really poly and seeing me is kind of a first for him. I'm worried having him meet my wife might be asking a lot but he seems excited at the idea. I'm sure someone has run into an issue like that from time to time. Anyone have any advice on how to approach that.

I'm also worried that I'm not a viable long term option for him, but I think that might just be me self-sabotaging. Honestly though, we'll never live together, we'll never get married and my time is split. I haven't even thought to discuss that with him. Well shit...
Um, I think you just mentioned Jason a week ago? It's way too soon to start meeting the meta, having the Talk about the future, etc. I'd recommend just keeping it light and enjoying getting to know each other. Even if you really clicked, it's very early days. Resist the urge to rush, like a lesbian with a U-Haul on the first date. ;)

You never know how things will evolve... you may not be deeply compatible, or you may be very compatible and want to make long range plans. But not yet! Coming on with all that kind of talk could seem intimidating after one or 2 dates.

And it's not good for your marriage, especially as you are still both worried about being replaced!
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Um, I think you just mentioned Jason a week ago? It's way too soon to start meeting the meta, having the Talk about the future, etc. I'd recommend just keeping it light and enjoying getting to know each other. Even if you really clicked, it's very early days. Resist the urge to rush, like a lesbian with a U-Haul on the first date. ;)

You never know how things will evolve... you may not be deeply compatible, or you may be very compatible and want to make long range plans. But not yet! Coming on with all that kind of talk could seem intimidating after one or 2 dates.

And it's not good for your marriage, especially as you are still both worried about being replaced!
Good point. I need to just see where it goes.
Jason and I have been talking and what not for about a month and some change now. We've got a lot in common so far. Plus he's a hell of a sweet guy. I need to stop over thinking and just enjoy the ride.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Good point. I need to just see where it goes.
Jason and I have been talking and what not for about a month and some change now. We've got a lot in common so far. Plus he's a hell of a sweet guy. I need to stop over thinking and just enjoy the ride.
That's right. If you keep seeing him, you'll both probably have NRE for at least 6 months. You'll be seeing each other with rose-colored glasses. Just have fun, and stay connected with BlackDahlia too.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
So things have been good. We've had our ups and downs but, ultimately we're doing fairly well. Spitfire and I still love each other very much. A lot of the intense feelings have started to die down and we're pretty comfortable.
I'm still seeing Jason. It's difficult because of the crisis. Luckily we both have an incredibly small bubble so our limited interactions are a pretty low threat. I got very lucky with him. We have a regular D&D game online and talk all the time. We're both pretty busy with work, though. Soon enough. I got the first round of the vaccine on Tuesday. In about a month I'll get the second and a few weeks later I'll be considered very low risk. That's a huge relief.
Spitfire has been seeing a couple folks. She kind of pulled back from Riker because he was out and about quite a bit. She just couldn't risk exposure. I really appreciate her taking the cautious route. She see's Picard occasionally but only at a social distance point. However there's a guy that came forward after I kind of stopped updating. Don't have a name for him. Want to wait and come up with one that does him justice.
BEST META EVER! Super cool guy. Comes over and just chills. Wears a mask (mostly for his wife's sake), paints with us and plays D&D.
I started a D&D game with my daughter, as she was VERY interested. It was just my wife and her while I DM'd but it grew to include her boyfriend, and then my boyfriend. I'm going to set something up with just me and the kid because I don't want her to feel like her parents boyfriends stole her game. But she loves them. Both the girls do! It makes me so happy to see everyone sitting there getting along.
We still have our moments. The other night the dude was over and seeing him and Spitfire made me feel very obsolete. It was just a rough patch so I excused myself to the bedroom for a few hours and relaxed rather than rain on everyone's day. So, still having issues but they aren't such a big deal anymore. We're working on finding a good balance here. It also helps that we each have somebody. It takes a lot of the sting and the loneliness out of it. Plus, I've got a new nerd friend! I keep telling Spitfire that this whole "poly" thing is just a cover and I'm really pimping her out to bring me more D&D players! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I've felt sort of guilty for not updating this. My whole purpose behind writing all this has been to work through my feelings and maybe act as a roadmap for other people going through what I've gone through, good or bad. I've been making all this progress and having a good time and just keeping it to myself. We still haven't self destructed. Things are looking pretty good. I dare say this life is sustainable.
 

Evie

Moderator
"I keep telling Spitfire that this whole "poly" thing is just a cover and I'm really pimping her out to bring me more D&D players!"

Lololol

Welcome to post poly-bomb life. Shit settles into a new normal and there's humour in it, too! Thanks for the update, it's a joy to read!
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Wait, all this time we've been told that wearing a mask protects others, not the wearer. Is his wife there? Just trying to follow along.....
Actually, I heard a couple of months ago that studies showed masks protect the wearer, as well as others around the wearer. This made sense to me, and I'm not sure why they didn't know earlier that the virus can travel both ways! *rolleyes*
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Wait, all this time we've been told that wearing a mask protects others, not the wearer. Is his wife there? Just trying to follow along.....
No, his wife's not here when he comes over. But she wasn't ready to include us in their COVID bubble so when he came over he was always wear a mask and we would put our masks on if we were in the same room. Until recently, he and Spitfire would only hang out in the garage. It was a big enough space to be six feet apart in and wearing a mask in there worked out because it also kept your face warm. It had the added benefit of keeping the kids away from him (it's hard to get them to wear masks). We did what we could to respect his wife's wishes. Eventually she agreed that he could hang out in the house and that was a weird phase of wearing a mask in my own house that's already covered in all my germs and stuff. As of this weekend, though, she's accepted us into their bubble so when the dude came over we all got to hang out mask free! I'm not saying I took the perfect precautions and sterilized my house or something but, we did try and work within reasonable guidelines to make sure everyone felt safe. And it did take some work. I think it was worth going through it all to have a cool meta I can actually hang out with.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
I've been having a hard time with things this week. I feel very lonely. Spitfire's here but I feel so disconnected from her. Talking about how I feel only seems to spark an argument. She says the COVID stress and isolation are getting to me and she's probably right. All the stress only compounds my existing problems.
Things have been growing cold in the bedroom and I've gotten bitter about it. It's like it's on me to initiate and I never pick the right time. I'm trying to navigate between work, the kids, her panic attacks, her time spent with her other partner (who I know I need to name but I can't think of a name worthy of him yet), and spending time with Jason. I feel paralyzed under the pressure.
I'm definitely jealous of the time she gets to spend with her guy. Jason is still trying to find his own place and doesn't want to have to deal with explaining to his family that he's dating a married guy. I get that. The only person I've told in my family is my brother. Sadly, that means the only places we can get together are my house (which has a no sex boundary) and hotel rooms which are a bit pricey. I miss him.
He comes by most weekends to hang out but I'm often busy with looking after the kids or he's busy with a D&D game. He's got a regular game he plays over the internet on Sundays as well as the game he and I have with some other friends online on Saturday.
So Sundays tend to go like this. Jason comes over to my place around 1000 and hangs out for a bit, then Spitfire goes off to work and he logs into his game. I look after the kids so Spitfire can sleep in and then try to run interference with them so she can get ready for work. All while trying to entertain my boyfriend. She leaves around 1100 so I make lunch for everyone and make sure the little one actually eats and then at 1300 Jason signs onto his game. It kind of sucks but that's the only way we can have time to do everything since he has to drive an hour to get here. His game lasts for about 3 hours, right about the time Spitfire gets home. Then her dude gets here and I start cooking dinner and preparing for the D&D game that I run for all of them. The game ends around 2030 when Jason has to get home so he can get some sleep for work the next day.
It's been a good hobby. I pour a lot of myself into writing, painting, carving and crafting. I learned how to make a cool looking dead tree out of aluminum foil and hot glue. Pretty pleased with how it turned out.
So, back to that no sex boundary because I'm sure it's given some people pause. I work hard. I sacrifice my body, my mind and sometimes even my dignity to make enough money to have a nice place to live with stuff I like. While Spitfire may be cool with the idea, the thought of other people having sex all over my stuff grosses me out. I don't want that. Since I'm not cool with her doing it, it's only fair that I not do it myself. That's all there is to it. That's my logic there.
That brings me back to the point. I feel like Spitfire and I are not having a lot of sex. Like once a week, if that. It makes me jealous as fuck that sex seems to be this finite resource and, that she goes to his house and has it with him almost every week. That suggests to me that the problem is me. There's something I'm doing wrong or something about me she doesn't want. And when I press the issue, like an idiot, it makes her not want to have sex with me more. She pointed out that I'm making a correlation between sexual frequency and how I'm doing in a relationship. She's not wrong. I feel like a good happy relationship should have lots of sex in it. Sex is fun and it feeds this desire I have for a deep, passionate connection.
She keeps bringing up how the last few years before poly our sex life teetered off to almost non-existent. How it made her feel. So why does she not seem to understand how I feel? I of course bring up "imagine if when I wasn't sleeping with you I was sleeping with someone else." Doesn't seem to be the right course to take. Steers me right into the danger zone. She gets mad at me and I still don't think she understands how I feel. She says she does understand. She's referring to how her ex cheated on her over and over again. That situation is different. There's a difference between not having sex because someone is going behind your back (which I would agree is the shittier of the feelings) and and knowingly bidding your partner farewell as they're off to give somebody else the thing you so badly want for yourself. I'm not saying my pain is any worse than hers. I'm just saying it hurts and I hate it.
On top of all this I hate bringing up that I want more sex. Yes, I'm trying to express what I want, but now I feel like I'm pressuring her for sex, which is the kind of sex I don't want. I feel like I'm running in these self-defeating circles.
You know what? Let's call him Kirk. Solid.
Anyway, it's hard watching her have such a good time with Kirk while I'm having such a hard time. I know it's not fair to put that shit on them, but I feel how I feel. They have so much joy in each other's company while it seems like so much of what we have lately is stress and bills and screaming kids and dogs barking all the time. Picard put it really well (yep, he's still around just not physically). The hardest part is seeing them have a great time without having to put in all the work you have to put into a marriage. I'm paraphrasing.
Marriage is a ton of work and I feel like I'm failing at it. It's bumming me out which is making me fail worse. I don't know how to be better, how to get better. There's also a solid chance that I'm being over sensitive because I miss the hell out of Jason. I don't know. Spitfire thinks I should see a therapist and I'm certain she's right. Typing this out helped. I got to spew out some uninterrupted thought and there's likely some stuff here I can look back over and reflect on.
I miss karaoke. Harmlessly dumping all that negative energy on a crowd of strangers in an indirect way is very therapeutic. Now I just kind of ramble into the internet and sometimes...the internet rambles back.
 

LoveBunny

Member
I feel like Spitfire and I are not having a lot of sex. Like once a week, if that. It makes me jealous as fuck that sex seems to be this finite resource and, that she goes to his house and has it with him almost every week. That suggests to me that the problem is me. There's something I'm doing wrong or something about me she doesn't want. And when I press the issue, like an idiot, it makes her not want to have sex with me more. She pointed out that I'm making a correlation between sexual frequency and how I'm doing in a relationship. She's not wrong. I feel like a good happy relationship should have lots of sex in it. Sex is fun and it feeds this desire I have for a deep, passionate connection.

Anyway, it's hard watching her have such a good time with Kirk while I'm having such a hard time. I know it's not fair to put that shit on them, but I feel how I feel. They have so much joy in each other's company while it seems like so much of what we have lately is stress and bills and screaming kids and dogs barking all the time. Picard put it really well (yep, he's still around just not physically). The hardest part is seeing them have a great time without having to put in all the work you have to put into a marriage. I'm paraphrasing.
Marriage is a ton of work and I feel like I'm failing at it. It's bumming me out which is making me fail worse. I don't know how to be better, how to get better. There's also a solid chance that I'm being over sensitive because I miss the hell out of Jason. I don't know. Spitfire thinks I should see a therapist and I'm certain she's right. Typing this out helped. I got to spew out some uninterrupted thought and there's likely some stuff here I can look back over and reflect on.
I miss karaoke. Harmlessly dumping all that negative energy on a crowd of strangers in an indirect way is very therapeutic. Now I just kind of ramble into the internet and sometimes...the internet rambles back.
FWIW I think what you're feeling is pretty normal under the circumstances. I'm sure I'd feel similarly in the same situation. If you're both having more sex and fun with others, while your relationship is mostly drudgery, it can't be good for your relationship.

And also yay karaoke! It's still going on at my fav pub, I confess I've gone a few times. Everyone has to wear a mask while singing or even standing, plus I have my own mic cover there because I'm mad cool. Some Alanis Morrisette, maybe?
 
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