Mono Couple becomes Poly Couple

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's too bad that you don't want Spitfire to have "sex all over your things" with Kirk. It sounds like all you do with Jason is chat and play games, while either the kid(s) or Spit are there, or both are. He can't host, and neither of you can afford hotels.

Spit gives you sex once a week (begrudgingly maybe?). You'd like to have sex more-- with someone!

If you could get over the ick factor of Spit having sex with Kirk in your shared home, like if they limited it to one certain place, and changed the sheets right away afterwards, would that free you up to actually have sex with Jason somewhere in your home, if, say, Spit took the kid(s) out, or after they went to bed?

I get that you really enjoy your shared games, but adults like to have sex too. After all, sex isn't gross. It's natural and actually beautiful. This might just be part of your possessive brainwashing.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
It's too bad that you don't want Spitfire to have "sex all over your things" with Kirk. It sounds like all you do with Jason is chat and play games, while either the kid(s) or Spit are there, or both are. He can't host, and neither of you can afford hotels.

Spit gives you sex once a week (begrudgingly maybe?). You'd like to have sex more-- with someone!

If you could get over the ick factor of Spit having sex with Kirk in your shared home, like if they limited it to one certain place, and changed the sheets right away afterwards, would that free you up to actually have sex with Jason somewhere in your home, if, say, Spit took the kid(s) out, or after they went to bed?

I get that you really enjoy your shared games, but adults like to have sex too. After all, sex isn't gross. It's natural and actually beautiful. This might just be part of your possessive brainwashing.
Interesting you see the solution to a cooling off in the martial bedroom as cancelling of the in house sanctuary / (no sex rule ) ?? Wouldn’t or couldn’t making this change have much much larger unintended consequences for BA and very little for spitfire ??? SO GET OVER IT so you can distract yourself enough to NOT notice or NOT care that displacement in the bedroom is occurring. I’m not sure that’s a great plan.

HOWEVER maybe this is a situation where things don’t have to be fair and equal. Perhaps because of the circumstances surrounding the individual partners a deal could be cut that would allow him to entertain and her and Kirk remain off premises for a reasonable amount of time. Say 3-4 month as a trial period and then efficacy of this rule could be reviewed on the grounds of fairness.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
It's interesting you see the solution to a cooling off in the marital bedroom to be a cancellation of the in-house sanctuary/no sex rule. Couldn’t making this change have much much larger unintended consequences for BA and very few for Spitfire?

I don't know. What consequences do you imagine?
GET OVER IT so you can distract yourself enough to NOT notice or NOT care that displacement in the bedroom is occurring. I’m not sure that’s a great plan.
I had to reread the thread. It sounds like there are only 2 bedrooms in Arrow's house, one for the parents and one for the 2 daughters. Maybe there is no family room, either. Just a living room, kitchen and 2 bedrooms, plus a garage? If this 2 parents/2 kids household has a roomy mini van or SUV, sex could be had in the vehicle in the garage. Hey, I've done that plenty when I was newly poly and my kids were still living with me. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. I used to meet one of my first bfs in my van in the parking lot of a seldom-used wooded park. The lot was big, my van had smoked windows, and we were below the sight line of anyone who was briefly getting out of their car to go hiking.

Honestly, I am just trying to help. Maybe it's because I have a high sex drive, and I'm not a passionate gamer. But I'd be moving mountains to figure out how to have sex weekly with my lover. I'd do it out outdoors, in a van, in a tent, indoors in the bathroom/shower. I'd send Spitfire and the kids out for an hour or two and have sex in the living room. Throw a sheet on the floor or the couch.

Luckily my current partner and I have got the compersion thing down, so if either of us wants to host a partner here, we just think it's cute, and feel good that our partner is having fun and being appreciated.

Arrow says that part of his territoriality stems from a college experience of living with too many roommates in too small of a flat. I assume college is now some time well in his past. Sometimes we cling to outmoded feelings too long, which do not reflect current realities. We can revisit those feelings, feel them, and move on. That's life-- growth and change. Going outside the box is always scary, but always beneficial! It's not easy, and I'm 65 and I still struggle with going outside the box, but I gently chide myself out of the fear and do it anyway, and become a fuller more experienced, more skillful person every time.
HOWEVER, maybe this is a situation where things don’t have to be fair and equal. Perhaps because of the circumstances surrounding the individual partners, a deal could be cut that would allow him to entertain Jason, and Spitfire and Kirk could remain off premises for a reasonable amount of time.
I agree. Spitfire and Kirk could take the girls out to some kid-friendly place, and allow Arrow and Jason some private time. I assume Kirk does host Spitfire at his place for sex dates, so I'd be negotiating what to do since Jason can't host, and hotels are way too expensive.

I'd also look into getting a bigger house! When Pixie and I were house shopping, we got a very small ranch home, with 3 smallish bedrooms. The "master" has a tiny en suite bathroom (no shower) but the sink is great for private post-sex cleanup without needing to go down the hall. And our house has a fully renovated basement/family room, so Pixi can bring her beverage/weed down there when I have someone over, and entertain herself with TV or her PC and games happily for an hour or 2. A bf and I can then have the entire upstairs to ourselves, and even fuck in the kitchen, living room, hall bath shower if we want. It's just practical for poly, to have these options, I think.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
I don't know. What consequences do you imagine?

If memory serves BA was poly bombed many of his early struggles were the typical adjustments from going form being the one an only to being 1 of 2 or maybe 3. I think many people coming out of a mono marriage either consciously or subconsciously thinking up ways to help them preserve some “ special “ and home / castle or bedroom/ bed is often is whats chosen For obvious reasons. I the obvious unintended consequence a further cooling of their martial sex life because a) his needs being met elsewhere and b) whatever mental images or reactions to trace evidence no matter how diligent or well intentioned the other 2 are shared space is shared space.

I have had many people on this forum tell me they had the belief and opinion that their marriage or relationship was super solid and could weather any storm ONLY to learn that the sight of something ( like a very passion exchange or PDA’s ) or the sound of sounding ( spouse going at it in the next room ) or the reading of something they was left open on a phone or computer profoundly changed how they felt about their spouse or SO and thus relationship.

The other unintended consequence that jumped to mind is relaxing said rule could allow for Spitfire and kirk for more access and more opportunity for sex and or intimate contact and thus make for more jealousy and more envy for BA.

I doubt I need to remind you ( Mags ) on the sometimes delicate mental aspects of the male arousal process ie ..the erection. Let’s say you sprinkle in some ED issues and the cool bedroom goes cold or dead ?? Risk reward ?? HOWEVER if the goal is JUST more sex or having sex once with someone then yes ditch the sanctuary rule.




I had to reread the thread. It sounds like there are only 2 bedrooms in Arrow's house, one for the parents and one for the 2 daughters. Maybe there is no family room, either. Just a living room, kitchen and 2 bedrooms, plus a garage? If this 2 parents/2 kids household has a roomy mini van or SUV, sex could be had in the vehicle in the garage. Hey, I've done that plenty when I was newly poly and my kids were still living with me. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing. I used to meet one of my first bfs in my van in the parking lot of a seldom-used wooded park. The lot was big, my van had smoked windows, and we were below the sight line of anyone who was briefly getting out of their car to go hiking.

Honestly, I am just trying to help. Maybe it's because I have a high sex drive, and I'm not a passionate gamer. But I'd be moving mountains to figure out how to have sex weekly with my lover. I'd do it out outdoors, in a van, in a tent, indoors in the bathroom/shower. I'd send Spitfire and the kids out for an hour or two and have sex in the living room. Throw a sheet on the floor or the couch.

Luckily my current partner and I have got the compersion thing down, so if either of us wants to host a partner here, we just think it's cute, and feel good that our partner is having fun and being appreciated.

Arrow says that part of his territoriality stems from a college experience of living with too many roommates in too small of a flat. I assume college is now some time well in his past. Sometimes we cling to outmoded feelings too long, which do not reflect current realities. We can revisit those feelings, feel them, and move on. That's life-- growth and change. Going outside the box is always scary, but always beneficial! It's not easy, and I'm 65 and I still struggle with going outside the box, but I gently chide myself out of the fear and do it anyway, and become a fuller more experienced, more skillful person every time.

SO the short answer is yes ....it’s a great plan. The answer to possible demotion and displacement in the bedroom IS adding some previously unwanted INTRUSION. You‘ll grow from it. What doesn’t kill you will make you stronger 😝👍
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
So your suggestion is that Arrow just never has sex with Jason then.

Great!

(I can be sarcastic too.)
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Honestly, what do you suggest? I know you're still hurt from being cheated upon lo these many years ago, and your ex w leaving her computer open for the whole family to see her sex chat or pix or whatever. With that in mind... your answer about erections and demotion is just a tad biased.

I do know that some poly people do not wish to host SO's in their houses. But this family is all gung ho about kitchen table poly. They know each other exists, they are even on quite friendly terms. Spitfire can have sex with Kirk any old time at his place, it seems. But other than that, Arrow and Jason are shit out of luck unless they scrimp and save for a hotel room like what? Once a month? Jason is apparently just out of college. Arrow has a tiny house and 2 kids. So I am offering ideas like cars and garages and the woods as alternatives, as well as looking at "getting over" the male ego idea of "my home is my castle.'

Shoot me.

Jason and Arrow can just go on playing D&D like a couple of 12 year olds until Jason can afford a place of his own, I guess.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
So your suggestion is that Arrow just never has sex with Jason then.

Great!

(I can be sarcastic too.)
As I read his post the primary issue was his disconnect and a cooling off in his/ their bedroom. with that spilling over into envy he was having because his wife and her lover can act on impulse or schedule hooks ups as they like. And then directly following or naturally following that there’s the disparity he has with Jason And the logistical issues. Separate issues yet centered on sex which might be the confusing part for you.

I ACTUALLY DID MAKE A SUGGESTION and you actually agreed with my suggestion did you forget ??? You even quoted it in you post.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Honestly, what do you suggest? I know you're still hurt from being cheated upon lo these many years ago, and your ex w leaving her computer open for the whole family to see her sex chat or pix or whatever. With that in mind... your answer about erections and demotion is just a tad biased.
so YOU ask me about possible unintended consequences and I reply and come up with some fair standard stuff and then you want to belittle it or dismiss it because of HOW YOU remember some story or event that happened in my life. WOW that’s a interesting way to have discussions ON A FORUM.


I do know that some poly people do not wish to host SO's in their houses
well those people are obviously stupid. Clearly they need more Mags enlightenment training. By the way thank you!

. But this family is all gung ho about kitchen table poly. They know each other exists, they are even on quite friendly terms. Spitfire can have sex with Kirk any old time at his place, it seems. But other than that, Arrow and Jason are shit out of luck unless they scrimp and save for a hotel room like what? Once a month? Jason is apparently just out of college. Arrow has a tiny house and 2 kids. So I am offering ideas like cars and garages and the woods as alternatives, as well as looking at "getting over" the male ego idea of "my home is my castle.'
awesome ideas I just saw the problem different than you did. I saw the BIG issue as the disconnect with his wife ....not him getting enough sex with Jason.
Shoot me.
it’s tempting sometimes 😝

but I take from that comment you feel because I disagree with you that I’m attacking you ?? Maybe you’re not as enlightened as you think?


Jason and Arrow can just go on playing D&D like a couple of 12 year olds until Jason can afford a place of his own, I guess.
This seems a little more than a little condescending or belittling to a forum member and his lover that you claim to want to help.

I know my comments and suggestions I didnt deliberately try to insult anyone including you.
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Holy shit, you two! Simmer down. I do appreciate both of your inputs and maybe I'm misinterpreting some playful banter but it seems like you're going at each other a little hard.

Look.
Magdlyn: The housing market out here is a nightmare. Also I move every three years or so for work so just getting a bigger house is kind of out of the question. Jason and I have done some wacky things to get some time together sexually. Right now everything is hard. He's just settling in to his new job after moving back home from college and is weeks away from getting his own place. I can't fault him for that. Also, 12 year olds? That just seems a bit impolite.
I am not solely driven by sex but it is definitely a huge motivator for me. The struggles I'm having getting it from Jason make sense to me logistically whereas the problem I have getting it from Spitfire do not. As for opening up my home to it. No. I don't want that. I spent enough time in college living in situations where you would suddenly discover you were sitting in someone else's jizz or that the one clean place you had to sleep after a hard overnight shift is now covered in sweat and various other fluids. I'm tainted for life.
Also, I'd like to stop feeling like a third wheel in my own home.
Dinged: I don't have ED. The problem we're facing is timing, her desire, my discomfort doing it while the kids are up and constantly needing us, and the fact that her anxiety leaves her exhausted (like 2-4 hour naps every day).

When we started this thing I was assured that in my home I'd have a place where I was still important, where I was the husband. When here and Kirk were finally allowed to touch (COVID fear if you remember) the only place they had was here. I'm still adjusting. Not everything is perfect but while still rough in the feels I watch my wife sit on another man's lap and snuggle him on our couch while I just sat around dying for the same kind of attention. I get that. I even supported it as this was the only place they could have that kind of connection. This is the only place right now that Jason and I could have a cost effective sexual relation and I don't want it because that last bit hurt enough that I know I'm not sticking around for Spitfire to be having sex in the house. If it's not okay for her then it's not okay for me.
The thought breaks me up inside. Why is it so bad to want a place that's just ours? The hanging on him in the house, she wanted to hang out in the bedroom one day when he was here because Jason and I were in the office and the children were everywhere else. I wouldn't agree to it. Not because I thought they were going to fuck but because the thought of them hanging all over each other in the last place in the entire house that's just for us would be gone and I'd want to move out. I need a place for me. I'm willing to accept that the only place for me is a place for us but not that it's a place for us, my paramours and my metas. I'm not ready for that and I'm not sure that I ever will be.
Little background. I worked for two years at my last location pulling 13 hour days, making sacrifice and becoming an expert in my field so that I could finally secure a position on the day staff and have my very own desk. I cleaned it up, covered it in my things, made it efficient. Some junior new kid rolled in and decided he'd sit at my desk on day one because it was just far enough from the watchfloor that he could get away with not doing his job. Coming in to my shit being moved around, Monster being spilled on my keyboard and boot prints on my desk, I snapped at the fucker and proceeded to make his life difficult until he cut it the fuck out. Why should he sit at that desk having done none of the work and in fact using it as a way to avoid work, while I had to sacrifice so much just to get it?
There's a definite parallel here but it should give you an insight as to who I am. I am a territorial person. I need a sanctuary. Some space of my own that I feel like I've earned. Having to feel like I've earned it is important, otherwise I don't want it. I need to feel like there's some reward for all of the work, even if it's just a bedroom to call my own.
Now. I'm feeling especially shitty because this week I've been having to work 11-12 hour days and even after discussing this with Spitfire, there's still no time for us. In a whole week there's no time for intimacy even once! and tomorrow she's leaving as soon as I get home from work to go camping with Kirk. I'd get into that more (it's why I logged in) but I'm going to be late to work if I don't move my ass.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
NO I wasn’t suggesting you had ED or anything of the sort. I was suggesting that removing sanctuary status may trigger a ick factor and downward cycle that could take a cool bedroom cold That’s all. It’s alwasy easy to see a snowball effect after the fact. AND I think lots of people ( and I’ve chatted with some) who tell themselves or are told by others to “ Just get over it “ and jump in and try only to learn of this mind body connection Or head heart penis connection. THIS isn’t something I made up or something I actually struggled with as Mags has suggested but I’m happy to run down a list of names or members of who have experienced this if anyone wants or needs them.

it sounds like the situation with you and Jason is soon to be worked out and hopefully the other situation will right itself as well.

good luck 😝👍
 

icesong

Moderator
You're not wrong that Dinged and Magdlyn have been sparring for years, although there is at least a *slight* tradition on the forums that the Life Stories section doesn't get quite so contentious so if you want to tell them to knock it off you totally can.

That said... I totally get that you have *reasons* for wanting that safe space. I would just at the same time like to ask whether the outcome of those reasons is actually serving your life as it is now. I mean, obviously Kirk is not your jackass former(?) coworker, for instance, nor is your home your place of work.

I'm not saying that you *should* change or that it's intrinsically wrong to be territorial. I'm not, mostly, so I don't entirely understand it (though there are a few things that make me twitch and I just wrote about one of them in my blog ) but I can see how you got there. It just, from what you're writing, seems to be a thing that isn't adding happiness or even really security to your life.

(And for what it's worth I've been there with the "my relationship with my spouse isn't physically in the place I'd want it to be while his other partner is getting everything I want, meanwhile my other relationship isn't anything like that either" and yes, it 100% was terrible. )
 

BrokenArrow

Member
You're not wrong that Dinged and Magdlyn have been sparring for years, although there is at least a *slight* tradition on the forums that the Life Stories section doesn't get quite so contentious so if you want to tell them to knock it off you totally can.

That said... I totally get that you have *reasons* for wanting that safe space. I would just at the same time like to ask whether the outcome of those reasons is actually serving your life as it is now. I mean, obviously Kirk is not your jackass former(?) coworker, for instance, nor is your home your place of work.

I'm not saying that you *should* change or that it's intrinsically wrong to be territorial. I'm not, mostly, so I don't entirely understand it (though there are a few things that make me twitch and I just wrote about one of them in my blog ) but I can see how you got there. It just, from what you're writing, seems to be a thing that isn't adding happiness or even really security to your life.

(And for what it's worth I've been there with the "my relationship with my spouse isn't physically in the place I'd want it to be while his other partner is getting everything I want, meanwhile my other relationship isn't anything like that either" and yes, it 100% was terrible. )
I would agree that it is 100% terrible right now. I'm miserable and I don't know how to get over it. Jason is going to come over this weekend since Spitfire and Kirk are going camping. That should help. He really makes me feel good about myself. He's the nicest and sweetest man I've ever been with. Plus he pushes me to work out harder which I kind of love. He's texting me right now and I don't feel so empty and sad.
So, no. Kirk is not the same as my jackass coworker. I actually like him. And my home is not my place of work. But I've worked hard for it. I work hard for a little bit of peace. I have an office that I've filled full of the things I love. My comics and memorabilia adorn the wall. My D&D stuff have a nice little table. My desk is packed with nerd art, I've got my XBox and TV and the computer's in here. I built a space that makes me feel happy. It did provide me security and reinforced a sense of self. But now it's the room all the adults want to hang out in. The kids rule the living room and the adults chill in the office. Now I share my special space with everyone. No more quiet writing or painting. No more sanctuary. Another man comes and sits in the chair that was my big splurge on myself. He holds my wife's hand and I'm just kind of left out. The third wheel in my own safe place. At least there's the bedroom. No one goes in the bedroom. Sort of.
Today my three year old told me she peed in her pull-up during nap time. The last 2 days Spitfire has been bringing our daughter into our room to take a nap with her. She sleeps in my spot. "Dad! I peed in my pull up in your bed! *chuckle chuckle chuckle" To be clear, my youngest is extremely intelligent but uses it exclusively for evil. Fucking gross. Looks like I'm doing the sheets before bed.
 

Evie

Moderator
To be clear, my youngest is extremely intelligent but uses it exclusively for evil.
Lol, thank you for injecting some mirth even while everything around is leaving you at your wits end.

Out of curiosity, if you have to move every three years, how much longer until there's the next round of upheaval?
 

BrokenArrow

Member
Lol, thank you for injecting some mirth even while everything around is leaving you at your wits end.

Out of curiosity, if you have to move every three years, how much longer until there's the next round of upheaval?
In about a year and a half. I'm trying to get placed in the same state. We like the schools here and we don't want to leave our partners. The downside is I'll be going back to sea. Gone for months at a time. I need to find a way to deal with the jealousy before that happens.
 
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