Needing help with a poly marriage

[Diverdude]

Need some help with a situation that has been brewing for a couple of months now.

My wife and I of 10 years talked about possibly being in an open relationship in October, I had some reserves but I agree because I wanted to make her happy. We love eachother very much and spend 90% of our time doing hobbies and activities together. The circumstance that I was to believe, was that the open relationship was to involve a mutual friend of my wife and I, who had experience in poly/open relationships, and not to be inlvoving strangers, of course for saftey. We didnt set any boundaries in the beginning (which is a big point where we screwed up). We didnt do any research on what some boundaries could be and what we would be comfortable with. One of the biggest things that have come to fruition is that I dont want her to have a romantic relationship with anyone (which was agreed on with the mutual friend because that's not what they wanted). Some time passed and being the busy couple we are, nothing ever happened with the friend and we could never get a consistent time for them to meet up. Which led to her seeking other partners. I myself reached out and tried to find a partner through mutual hobbies or relationship ideas with no avail making the situation not something that I wanted to pursue further.

So my wife does adult internet sales on the side of her day job and met a guy from not far from where we live. They started to talk more often and started to make an emotional connection and wanted to have a relationship but it was to be more than just a sexual relationship

Certain events have happened in my wife and i's day to day life and I started having some concerns about being in an open relationship and it evolved into her wanting to be poly. We have had a few discussions in the last couple of months about certain things that were a concern and worked our way through them slowly and painfully hoping to mull things over and make everyone happy.

This last month, I agreed to let my wife travel to go see the mutual friend and have a weekend of sexual expoloration. I was using this as a test to seenhow I would feel in the long run with her having sexual partners. On her way home she would be meeting with the guy she had met online and had been talking to for a few months. I had my reserves but gave the ok as long as there was not sexual relations this time. We had spoke about time frames and what time things would happen. My wife can be forgetful sometine and didnt follow the schedule we had spoken about and hurt the trust I had for the situation and I made that abundently clear when she got home in a way that wasn't mean but truthful. There has been a lot of emotional and mental strain on myself because of the situation and working through everything has been tough. I told my wife after she got home that I couldn't handle that strain anymore and wanted us to call it quits being poly. She was frustrated because we had agreed for her to see this guy here in a few days.

I dont think being friends with the guy will end up fixing anything but my wife wanted me to reach out and talk to him to hopfully try to make everything tolerable for everyone since earlier on we had talked about him traveling to where we live and them visiting each other. I reached out today to speak to him and got some concerns off of my chest which didnt REALLY help but allowed me to speak to him about his motives and long term goals for the relationship. His girlfriend has the same concerns and reserves as myself and that was brought up.

We are at a point where I have reached out to the mutual friend for some guidance on what we should do. He has never been in this kind of situation before of course because he's never been married but it was worth a shot. The biggest thing now is that I've promised to let her meet this guy this month. I've told her that this will be that last time I think I can handle heart ache if we can't figure things out before hand. My wife and i have very strong feelings for eachother to the point that we never want anything to come between us and cause us to seperate but this has been a growing wedge in between us that we havnt been able to figure out a solution. In all reality we have 3 scenarios that can happen, the first being, everything gets ironed out and we are all happy in the end. The second is I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy forcing her to make a very tough decision which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make. And the third is I'll break apart and can't handle the anxiety and stress and remove myself from the situation if that means us seperating. We are at a loss and dont know what to do but she doesn't want to see me hurt for something that she is doing and I dont want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves and we are stuck.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Diverdude,

It sounds like you had reservations about open/poly from the very beginning, you only agreed to it to make your wife happy. Now, look at the thanks you get. Your reservations have been justified. Things have quickly devolved into a situation that is not satisfactory.

You must tell your wife that you are not happy with the way things have developed. Tell her that unless there are some changes, you will have to withdraw your consent. Specifically, that you do not want it to be poly, that you want it to be open, like you agreed to in the first place.

The problem is that you love your wife very much; you do not want to tell her anything that might hurt or disappoint or frustrate her. For this reason, you must let her continue her poly plans. On the other hand, if you let her do that, you might break apart, and end up leaving her.

I think you are going to have to employ the services of a marriage counselor; the two of you want things that are not compatible with each other, but you love each other very much, and do not want to separate. A marriage counselor might be able to help the two of you work together.

In the meantime, you must continue to vent your feelings in this thread, and get feedback and advice from as many members here as possible. My advice would be for the two of you to do open instead of poly, but other members might advise you differently.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We love eachother very much and spend 90% of our time doing hobbies and activities together.

I don't think that I know any couple who spends nearly this much time together - and I know quite a few couples who love each other very much. What's up with all of this together time? 90% is a LOT.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you struggle. I think you could have more realistic expectations of yourself.

90% of the time why? Pandemic lockdown?

The second is I cannot be accepting of her wanting be poly and become the bad guy forcing her to make a very tough decision which hurts her and forces her to make a choice she may not want to make.

How are you being a bad guy for reaching a personal limit? And telling her "I thought I could, but no. Turns out I cannot do this."

Nobody is like Superman or Wonder Woman. We are all human and have limits.

And yes. She will have to decide if she wants to stick with exploring poly and let the marriage go. Or let go of the poly thing.

That's just reality. Nobody is being a bad guy or a good guy. It is simply the situation.

We are at a loss and dont know what to do but she doesn't want to see me hurt for something that she is doing

You both agreed to go there and explore. So yes. You hurt. But not her doing. You both agreed to go there and find out what there was to find out.

You each could be responsible for your own emotional management.

You sound like you went in under prepared. If you're going to try again put a pause get some reading done and become better prepared.

But if the new deal was open for casual sex with familiar friends only? And now she wants to change it to polyamory? That's changing the deal. You could say "No ,thank you. I don't want that new deal. It is more than I can do."

Again... Honesty.

and I dont want to be the husband that can't give her everything she needs and deserves and we are stuck.

That is not a realistic expectation of yourself as a husband.

And if what is needed here is honesty?

How about just being up front? You don't want to participate in it if the deal changed from open marriage to polyamory. Those are two very different things.

You can love her a whole lot. But you have to love you first. Not like being selfish. But doing your own self care. You have to be able to say "No, thank you. Not even for you will I do stuff or continue to do stuff that hurts me."

Because when both things are hard? Being super honest? Or participating in wonky polyamory that you don't really want? You get to pick your hard.

Be super honest.

I think that's the least stinky choice.

If you just want zero? You have to be honest with your spouse and just say you want none of this. That you prefer monogamy.

If you are maybe open to "monogamish" where she shares casual sex once in a great while? All right then. You say you are okay with that but only if you actually are. And not just saying whatever to avoid dealing with a potential breakup. Or just kicking the can down the road.

If you do not want to do polyamory? You have to be honest about that too.

And what does meet this guy later this month even mean? They're just going to go have dinner at a restaurant? Or is this supposed to be some kind of sex share?

If you no longer want to participate in open marriage or polyamory? Your consent belongs to you. You can bow out.

And how she deals with this visit with this guy? That may affect what options are still available for her with you.

Dinner? Not a big deal. You might not love it but you could probably deal with that since she presumably has dinner with other friends.

Going off to hook up with a guy and share sex? When you have said you don't longer want to participate in this? And there's marriage problems at home? That might be another thing. Whether it's outright cheating or in a weird gray area? It might make you look at her different, trust might take a dent, and it doesn't sound very exciting for you to deal with her as this kind of hinge.

Maybe you want to do a trial separation for 6 months to a year. So then she's free to pursue open or poly however she wants. And you are free from open or poly things you do not want. Maybe you date other people. Maybe you don't. And then at the end of the trial separation you decide the fate of the marriage.

I encourage you both to have the honest conversations you need to be having. Do not sweep things under the rug. Seek a counselor if you need to.

I think that's the most loving thing you can do. Honesty.

I get that you don't want to break up. But if you two have grown apart and want different things now? Best to talk it out before involving new people and dragging them through it like collateral damage. Or putting yourself through misery because you're bending yourself into pretzels and not honoring your own values and preferences. In this whole post you go on about what makes your wife happy.

Well...what would make you happy?

Are you just doing stuff to make her happy to avoid a break up?

You don't sound like you were wanting to do any of this from the beginning.

Sometimes the last loving thing to people do is to let go with grace.

I honestly am not sure where this is all at. I do think it sorting it out has to start with super honest conversations.

Galagirl

 

[Diverdude]

I don't think that I know any couple who spends nearly this much time together - and I know quite a few couples who love each other very much. What's up with all of this together time? 90% is a LOT.

We have a ton of hobbies together as well as we do spearfishing competitions as a team.

 

[Diverdude]

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. It's hard to rummage around all of the questions so I will try to hit them all where I can. I did have reservations from the beginning wasn't entirely open to the idea and didnt say no, just kinda went along with it. We have agreed to look Into getting marriage counseling, and putting off the visit with the guy. The visit was agreed that there would be no sex but cuddling and the such was ok....again just me trying to make her happy and give the whole poly thing a chance.

A pause in her being poly from what we have talked about most likely won't happen. If she has to say no to the guy, she doesn't think she can do. This visit was to be the last chance I gave accepting poly as an idea in out realtionship. We have since the writing if the main thread, canceld the visit to focus on our relationship first with counseling.

In both of our eyes separation is the absolute last thing that we want and ia our biggest fear, we're both very adamant about that. Taking a trial. Where she can explore I don't think would help especially since we have our own house together and vehicles and property and everything else. In the ten years we've been together this is the only time we've ever had an issue with our marriage and one person wanting something that the other might not.

As of this moment being monogamous would probably make things easier and make me the happiest, but that puts the situation at her having to tell the guy that things won't work out and that's not something that she thinks she can do which would then push me away. And if I can accept it then I push her away.

 

[RJ Lightman]

Following

 

[GalaGirl]

I did have reservations from the beginning wasn't entirely open to the idea and didnt say no, just kinda went along with it.

This behavior did not serve you well. You were not honest and up front. I hope you consider being more up front with where you stand.

We have since the writing if the main thread, canceld the visit to focus on our relationship first with counseling.

Glad to hear it. Opening a marriage from wobbly foundations is not a great idea. Open/poly has a way of shining a light on a lot of things.

In both of our eyes separation is the absolute last thing that we want and ia our biggest fear, we're both very adamant about that.

I can see this would not be first choice. But perhaps it is something to talk about in counseling. Like "We don't want this... but if we have to do it... this is what parting well could look like." Then you have the emergency plan laid out.

IME? Couples who can calmly talk that out? Either manage to stay together, or at least manage to get the peaceful parting they hope for.

They don't avoid until the shit hits the fan. And risk it turning into an even bigger mess from lack of emergency preparedness and high emotions.

I don't think would help especially since we have our own house together and vehicles and property and everything else.

Trial separation would be something to discuss with counselor to assess feasibility. Can still own those things together in a trial separation. One of you moves out to rent a small flat. Or takes a different bedroom in the shared home.

As of this moment being monogamous would probably make things easier and make me the happiest.

Could state that plain.

No doubt it is easier -- less people is less variables, less scheduling, less time and effort, etc.

It's not like poly people date on and on and on. There's only 24 hours in a day! Time, energy, money for dating -- all finite resources.

that puts the situation at her having to tell the guy that things won't work out and that's not something that she thinks she can do

I don't get it, because she hasn't know the guy long.

Maybe he represents more than "the guy." Maybe he represents "getting to try poly at all" to her. Is that true?

which would then push me away. And if I can accept it then I push her away.

I don't think either of you is pushing the other one away. It's just coming to a crossroads place in the marriage. Where one person wants one thing, and the other person wants something else. And the two things are totally opposite things. It's not like one of you wants pancakes and the other one want burger. So fine, each one order what you want, but you can both get it at Denny's together.

If what isn't working is that (you want a monogamous marriage) and (she wants a poly marriage)? Then you are no longer suited to be married to each other. Accepting that comes with some sadness and grief.

Could still work on letting the marriage part that doesn't work any more go. It doesn't have to mean you have to exit each other's lives entirely.

I'm not even sure where the spare time for poly dating will come from. If you and wife enjoy spending 90% of the time together? What's she gonna do? Not sleep? Quit her job? Spend less time with you in favor of poly dating new people? Burn the candle on both ends?

On your end? You might not be all that excited about doing more work to get less of her time and attention. And you may (over time) prefer to end it and seek a partner who CAN give you that much time and attention in a monogamous shape relationship because ultimately that's what you prefer anyway.

I think slowing down and be super honest and up front with each other with the counselor's help would be best at this point in time. In case these help you find a counselor --

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

https://www.communitysolutionsva.org/files/What_Psychology_Professionals_Should_Know_About_Polymory.pdf

You both might also do some reading. Making a life changing decision with no preparation at all doesn't sound like a recipe for success to me. Not comprehensive by any means -- just starter links.

kathylabriola.com - Articles

Consensual Non-monogamy Fact Sheet from the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy (OPEN) website Great New Fact Sheet from OPEN! New article by Kathy about 5 great books about polyamory! Check out these five short book reviews of books about consensual nonmonogamy, including Love

www.kathylabriola.com

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.

practicalpolyamory.com

Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist

Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships

Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change

Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation

Those wayback ones are from the "Opening Up" book.

If after consideration you still prefer monogamy and don't want to be doing this stuff? It's not a joyfully consenting thing for you? Then you really should not be doing it.

Not if you are only doing it "to make her happy" to avoid a break up. "Save the people" makes more sense to me than "save the marriage."

There's enough stories on here of people taking the long way around trying to turn every rock and bending into pretzels to avoid dealing with having become incompatible over time and wanting different things now.

Another reality is that being compatible for 10 years in marriage is not going to automatically make you compatible for doing open/poly together.

You used to be strangers, then dating, then engaged, then married. Well, the next chapter is up to you all. Maybe you find a way to work it out. Maybe you want to try to be good exes and friends.

NOT being up front and honest? Making a mess of things on the journey? Can RUIN chances of ending the marriage with dignity/grace and allowing yourselves to become something else -- like good exes and friends.

Not trying to be a wet blanket. Just saying... be careful and go slow, and def be honest.

Because if you can't be honest with your spouse? What are you doing married in the first place?

I hope however it turns out, you both find peace. I can only imagine how hard this is for you both right now.

Galagirl

 

[Hanky]

You serve a greater purpose on this planet than to give a woman everything she wants. I see you just trying to make the wife happy, doin the whole happy wife happy life thing. But at the cost of your happiness, it ain’t worth it man. I can tell you gotta prioritize yourself more, believe in your value, draw lines in the sand and say these are the terms of being in a relationship with me. And if she like ain’t interested than you gotta move on. You can’t be everything, give everything, and make someone happy in every way.

 

[Diverdude]

As of this morning we have reached out to six different poly positive counselors in the area thanks to GalaGirl for the recouses. Last night after I got home from work we had talked about where my concerns for the poly relationship came from and figured out that I wasn't comfortable with a romantic relationship from the beginning and I agreed to the situation to make her happy. And realizing that we both figured out her wanting a poly relationship may have stemmed from a few other factors not due to our relationship but it's the lack of outside friendships that we don't really do anything with and that's part of us both having adhd

We figured out that the initial agreement and where my concerns came from was that I'm not able to accept her having a romantic relationship and that's something that was talked about in the beginning was our mutual friend not wanting that either and that's what I was okay with. Until I realizes that I wasn't ok with that either. The agreed upon open relationship became a polyamorous relationship without us talking and that's what has caused all of the heartache.

Laying in bed last night she asked if not talking to the other guy would save our marriage and I told her not to worry about dealing with that yet until we get some professional help.

I immensely appreciate everyone's help on here because it has helped us realize where my pain has come from

 

[GalaGirl]

Sounds like you are trying to be more honest with wife about things. And you are slowing it down and seeking counselors to interview. That's good.

I don't know if seeing what you have so far like a bullet list helps you any for the first intake session with a counselor. You don't have to give details here. Just might want to organize your thoughts for first appointment on paper so you don't forget things at the appointment.

PROBLEM

• You want monogamous marriage.
• Due to _____ Wife wants to explore relationship outside the marriage.
• You went along with the "open relationship" idea despite your reservations trying to "make her happy"
  • Both went in unprepared.
  • Now putting on the brakes and slowing down to catch up some stuff that could have been discussed first before more heartache or wacky happens

YOU

• Prefer monogamy
• Not comfortable with her having another romantic relationship from the beginning. Where she'd share both romantic feelings and sex with another partner.
• Thought you could be ok with "open" relationship where it would just be casual sex shared.
  • Discovered that you are not ok with that either.

WIFE

• Wants to explore poly because of things not due to the marriage relationship. They are ______?
• These could be resolved in other ways by doing ______?

BOTH

• Both have ADHD
• Both don't want to break up
• Spend 90% of the time together
• Lack outside friendships

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[Diverdude]

My wife and I set up to talk to a counselor yesterday at 4 but I felt like I needed to talk to somebody a little bit sooner than the scheduled meeting that we had, so I ended up talking to a counselor on Monday morning for quite some time and figured some things out.

The counselor helped me understand where I needed to draw boundaries and what emotions I needed to get out. Monday night my wife and I sat down and had a pretty long conversation with her about some things that I had talked with counselor and the biggest question that scared me. We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be the best for our marriage, and she has since agreed that polyamory was something that she wanted to try to explore because she felt like she didn't have enough friends around in her day-to-day life due to work and our Hobbies.

Yesterday we decided to go on a hike up into the mountains and it was a pretty tough couple of days for both of us. After our conversation on Monday I ended up having to anxiety attacks where I couldn't control my breathing, and while on our hike yesterday any moment that we had where we showed each other a little bit of compassion or love caused her to cry because of how much connection she had with the other guy. We're both making sure that we're here for each other and we both think that us being monogamous is better for our relationship together. I know this is going to take a little bit for both of us to get back to a somewhat normality in our relationship.

She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with it as long as those parameters would be followed but I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.

 

[Magdlyn]

I think it would be healthy for both of you to seek other friends to be with. Couples can get too enmeshed, depending on each other for everything, every emotional and physical need. That is not healthy or natural. I am sure your counselor(s) would agree with that idea.

However, if your wife already feels deeply emotionally connected to this other guy, and it's more than friends, it's really romantic love, there is no easy way to step back from that. It can take years to transition from romantic love and sexual attraction to "just friends," so don't kid yourselves.

 

[Hanky]

She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with it as long as those parameters would be followed but I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.

Bad idea if you ask me. She agreed to be mono for you. That other guy has no purpose in her life anymore. If they stop contact she will get over him a lot faster. It’s like ripping off the bandaid. Her emotions will go away faster.

Good on you fro sticking up for yourself! You gotta fight for what you want.

 

[Diverdude]

Finding friends outside of our normal groups has been something that I have mentioned in the past but with work and our main hobbies we do, we dont see too many other people. I meet a ton of new people with my job but she doesn't have that same ability.

With the other guy, should I just go with the no contact idea? I had the same thought of the "ripping it off like a bandaid" but felt that may be to harsh to do

 

[GalaGirl]

We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be the best for our marriage, and she has since agreed that polyamory was something that she wanted to try to explore because she felt like she didn't have enough friends around in her day-to-day life due to work and our Hobbies.

Sounds like you both decided on what to do next then. A return to monogamy.

Not having enough friends is an odd reason (to me) to get into poly. Why not just deal with that direct and make some friends? But ok... wife now has to deal with her stuff -- grieve her break up and work on making friends then.

And you have to deal with your stuff. Not everything in this is gonna be "our stuff" like a joint effort.

After our conversation on Monday I ended up having to anxiety attacks where I couldn't control my breathing

That sometimes happen after tough conversation. Not pleasant, but not unheard of. Emotional flooding/stress releases a lot of brain chemistry and it takes time to clear out.

while on our hike yesterday any moment that we had where we showed each other a little bit of compassion or love caused her to cry because of how much connection she had with the other guy.

She just broke up with the dude. She's going to grieve.

She did ask last night if I would be okay if they still communicated but without the romance and sexual talk. I agreed that I think I would be okay with it as long as those parameters would be followed

Now that you both agreed to return to monogamy? And you stated where you stand? That how she talks with ex is her business so long as she sticks to monogamous agreement? I think you could could stay out of it.

Anything else about this ex from this point on, she could run by the counselor rather than you. Because you have your own healing to do. You can't be her coach.

You two sound really enmeshed and if you are going to continue together, you both could work on becoming less so.

but I know it's going to be harder for her to let him go if she continues to communicate with him.

Some people do a no contact for 30 days after a break up before trying to be exes and friends. If she's not letting that happen or letting this go entirely? I have to agree with you. To me it just would prolong her break up grief or crush-y feelings on the dude. If she wants to go at it the hard way? Her problem to solve. Not yours. You may have to stand back and let her learn that.

It is one of the reasons I prefer kind but firm partings, quick and clean. No dragging things out. It doesn't really help either party. Her or the dude.

And you getting mixed up in that -- I doubt it would help you calm your anxiety. So you could give her space to address her stuff her way and she can deal with the consequences of her choices.

Maintain better personal/emotional boundaries with your wife.

We're both making sure that we're here for each other and we both think that us being monogamous is better for our relationship together.

I see that you both want this. But HOW will you be there for each other? In a healthy and appropriate way? Or in an unhealthy, enmeshed way?

With the other guy, should I just go with the no contact idea? I had the same thought of the "ripping it off like a bandaid" but felt that may be to harsh to do

Why do YOU have to deal with this? He is not your ex.

You said you are ok with it so long as it stays in bounds and no more romance stuff. So... that's pretty much it for your part of it.

Could expect it to be her job now. Think whatever in your head, but step back from this. Not your issue to solve. She has to figure out how to cope with her ex. Not you. She has to hold up her end of the "we are going back to monogamy" agreement. You have your own end to be holding.

I think you could talk to counselor about enmeshment and how to detangle/detach some to a more healthy level. It doesn't mean you don't care about her at all. But going around like you are joined at the hip like some kind of CoupleBlob.... that's not healthy.

In the interest of making more friends and finding a better life balance? Maybe you scale back on some of the main hobbies to make some space on the calendar for meeting new people and making new friends. You can't make her do that on her calendar, but you could do it on yours.

Could focus on holding up your end of the stick, and doing the parts that are just your job, and doing your fair share of the appropriate "our stuff" jobs.

Don't go leaking into "her stuff" jobs. Maybe that right there is a session with the counselor.

• Defining what are your jobs and yours alone to do.
• What are her jobs and hers alone to do.
• What are "our shared responsibilities" that you both do.
• What is nobody's job, and can be discarded

My 2 cents,
Galagirl

 

[Diverdude]

My worst fears came true this morning. The other guy didn't follow our terms that we had talked about the other night and keeps trying to tell her that he loves her and how much he misses her and how much they need to be be together. He's not respecting me as her husband and I told her that she needs to break off full contact with him.

 

[Evie]

As much as I generally hate veto power and control based off insecurity, reading through your whole thread I actually agree that this isn't the right time and probably not the right person for you guys to be moving towards polyamory with.

Your wife sounds dreadfully lonely and I'm sure she'll have been delighted to have been getting to know this new person and feeling that rush of excitement that comes with that. But it also sounds like she appears to have agreed with you that your marriage is worth working on as in itself it's not necessarily broken beyond repair.

But since you're taking away this new romantic interest, I recommend that YOU help her build more platonic connections since for whatever reason she doesn't have enough friends. This help could take on many forms including letting go of some of that 90% of time spent together so she can develop an independent friend group.

Going forward, if your wife is the kind of person who makes friends with men rather than women, rather than put rules around those friendships, I suggest you work on being relaxed with that. You may, in time when it's not so raw, use this as a case study for the difference between rules and boundaries. Maybe your wife needs to develop firmer boundaries so you don't feel like you have to make rules. Rules are for children and teens until they become secure in their own boundaries - how they will let themselves be treated by others.

I met a man who treated me badly in moments, and I told him to stop doing that. He didn't, so I ended the relationship. The process took about 5 months until those moments had added up enough that I fully enforced my boundary by walking away. My husband was not involved in my decision, I was perfectly capable of recognising the problem wasn't going to improve and consequently leaving the situation and relationship.

It sounds like the guy your wife has been getting to know hasn't been treating her badly, though. Just falling for her. Do you blame him? She's awesome and you fell for her! It also sounds like there was a time where he was lead to believe that a romantic connection would be okay, so now he's on the receiving end of a bait and switch. Poor guy. He's not the bad guy here, no-one is, you've just tried to fix the original problem (lack of friends) with a solution you weren't ready for.

So, if you and your wife want to save your marriage as a priority, then her breaking it off with him will be the way forward. I hope you can at least appreciate that it will hurt her since he's not actually treated her badly (from what you have written).

 

[GalaGirl]

My worst fears came true this morning. The other guy didn't follow our terms that we had talked about the other night and keeps trying to tell her that he loves her and how much he misses her and how much they need to be be together. He's not respecting me as her husband and I told her that she needs to break off full contact with him.

It is possible that he grieving the break up. And doing the "Say it isn't so!" thing while working through the stages of grief on his end. Did you expect different?

But whatever is going on with him?

Monday night my wife and I sat down and had a pretty long conversation with her about some things that I had talked with counselor and the biggest question that scared me. We both agreed that a monogamous relationship would be the best for our marriage,

He was not in the room as part of the agreement making.

He's not married to either one of you. The other guy doesn't HAVE to follow you and wife's agreement to hold up a monogamous marriage. That agreement is something YOU and WIFE hold up. Not him.

I get this is raw for you, and scary, and you already told her to go no contact with him.

Could leave it be now, and expect her to deal with it/him now. If she brings you more of this stuff? You can say "I am full right now. I think you best talk to counselor about that."

When you are calmer... consider talking to counselor about it yourself to detangle more.

1) How do you even know he was doing lovey-dovey stuff?

• Did your wife tell you? Is she oversharing info and bringing you drama when you are raw and have your own stuff to be healing/doing?
• If WIFE is upsetting you bringing you her breakup drama details, YOU could tell her to talk to counselor and not you about this topic at this time. YOU hold up your personal boundary of "I am hurting and trying to heal. I cannot be her grief counselor too."

2) Are you blaming the third party -- the Dude? Because it's easier to blame him (He's doing lovey stuff...) Rather than holding wife accountable for her choices/behaviors? (... and then wife brings me drama telling me about it rather than dealing with her exes herself.)

3) You have to be like your wife's rule maker or parent? She can't figure out what to do on her own? Or is this part of the enmeshment?

4) Are you ok seeing wife be sad after her break up? Or are you trying to rush her through grief so you don't have to feel uncomfortable witnessing it?

5) What is it you are afraid of?

• That the guy still has a crush and is grieving the break up and doing the denial stage of grief?
  • Well, if she just dumped him, he's gonna need time to get over it. From his POV, she presented as ok to poly date and then "Oops, sorry, no, my marriage is actually not ready for poly. Bye!" Why did she do that? Because you said you were ok when you really weren't. It sucks to be collateral damage to a marriage couple's wonky.
  • If you and wife jumped the gun, it's good to reel it back in and repair before it gets worse. But could remember ALL the people got dinged here.
• That your wife makes agreements she can't keep? Because you said stuff you didn't really mean about being ok with poly when really you were not... you worry now she's doing it? That's she's ok going back to monogamy when really she's not?
• Something else?

Bottom line?

If you find hearing about the ex trigger-y at this time when you are raw and trying to heal?

Wife coming to you with her ex problems in deep detail? Not appropriate. She can talk all that out with counselor, NOT YOU.

You can be sympathetic and sorry she feels sad. Give her a hug and say "I'm sorry. Break ups suck."

But for your OWN well being, you request she not deep detail you about it because it hinders your OWN healing and well-being.

Galagirl

 

[Diverdude]

The guy was told by me with the parameters of the friendship was supposed to be and I found out because I had a bad feeling that he wasn't going to follow them. They message through Instagram and she left her chat opened and I had an insecurity and looked at their conversation.

I do agree that they were more like rules instead of boundaries but it was all because of the parameters changing without her and I talking about them changing. We agreed to an open relationship with a specific person and those parameters didn't stay the same.

Both of our biggest fears are of course a divorce, we lose 10 years of happiness that we've had up until this point. Or she stops talking to this guy and is heartbroken for some time.

Since my last post this morning her and I had a conversation while she was at lunch and talking to a counselor this morning she has agreed to have no contact with the guy from here on out at the expense of some emotions.